My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) Dropping off a hug ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Now I am stopping by to check on you. I got a great big hug for you 
@scarletPear1945 This is so nice :) Thank you! Sending you a big hug back ❤ You've been in my thoughts my friend and I've been wondering how things are going
@mytwistedsoul
Today has been an eventful day. I was fine until about 1:30 today. Got in my car to go to the bank and I got this overwhelming flood of wailing just took me over out of nowhere. Nothing on my mind just wham! then my body began to shake and quiver. I felt so out of control I had to get off the road and pull into a parking lot and try to regroup myself. I don't understand what was happening. I know that one of my insiders Hortence does not like to ride in the car. But even if they were coming from her, what made it so intense this time? is there something I should have gotten from this? Still feel some of this emotion and my emotions have been dead for years. I guess that is another reason this is shocking
@scarletPear1945 It's allways scary when that happens - especially if you're driving or doing anything that needs you to be in control - it was really good thinking to pull over
Does Hortence talk to you? Did you have the radio on? Could it have been a song or even something you saw? When that happens here - I remind everyone we're safe, we're ok and I ask what's wrong - what has whoever upset and I ask them to please tell me - to please talk to me. I have to admit - I get frustrated and impatient sometimes and I snap at them. Even if she doesn't have the words for it - maybe she could draw you a picture? Sometimes it can be that they're just in a mood and it gets so intense because it's like a temper tantrum - well - not like one - it is one. Maybe she just really really didn't want to take a car ride. Do you have an insider who is mean? Could they have told her something that upset her? But if it's still affecting you - hours or even days later it's definitely something to try and figure out
There are times when going out here is a big issue too and I'm not too ashamed to admit that I have resorted to bribery - if we do this or that - whatever - we'll get donuts afterwards or they can pick a treat when we get groceries. It can help too to let them know the day before that there are errands that need to be dealt with - like a heads up. This is where we're going - what we're doing and why. Maybe it could help?
@mytwistedsoul
Great things to try. I did journal some of the things you mentioned. I asked if it was Hortence but as of now no reply. The therapist tried to get us or Jamie to draw but they did not want to they played with dolls figurines and talked about their playing roles. When I started to feel some emotions rise I quickly changed our direction to another subject. My therapist thinks that maybe I am ready to handle the unknown that I did not want to face.❤️
I am going to get away for 2 weeks out of state with my Grandson. You stay safe❤️
@scarletPear1945 Hopefully someone will eventually let you know what caused it. I know it can take time for everyone to be comfortable enough to admit to things and talk about other things
That sounds nice! Some time away. You deserve a break! Thank you! I hope you have a safe trip and get to have some fun ❤
* big hugs * Take care of yourself ok?
@scarletPear1945 *safe hugs* An official welcome back :) I hope you had a nice trip with your grandson and that hopefully things are going alittle better ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hi👋👋
So glad to be back home. Had fun for the most part. No place like home. Went to see therapist for the first time in weeks. The DID stuff is on the rise. Yet I wonder why I had never heard of this until now. A lot of the symptoms match but then many don't. Still in denial about that but some fit like a glove.
How are you doing? you are always here encouraging others, how about your own mental issues? who supports you, my dear friend? If and when you ever need a hand to hold or an encouraging word, I am here for you. I feel we have grown very close to one another and I see you as my family. I really care about you.❤️❤️❤️
@scarletPear1945 I'm glad to hear you had fun :) That first visit back with the therapist is allways kind of awkward. That might just be me though lol. It's like I have to get reacquainted all over again
I'm sorry to hear things are on the rise with DID. That can be scary and frustrating. Alot of times we don't know we have it because everything is kept hidden. And it - like everything else mental health wise is on a scale. Yay! I don't mean to make light of things but sometimes it feels like if I don't - I'll lose what's left of me
I haven't been too bad. I'm learning to enjoy my own company. I keep busy. Its spring here now so there's alot of things to do to keep busy. Keeping busy keeps me from thinking too much. Tbh - I'm not sure I have much support wise other than the therapist. I mean there's a few people here that will talk with me and offer encouragement if I say I'm having a hard time. I guess I sort of noticed that most people like it better if things are ok - know what I mean? Positivity seems to be key - so I just keep most of the bad stuff to myself now
Now you got me alittle weepy here. Thank you Pear. I care alot about you and I'm so grateful to have gotten to know you and to have you think of me as family - you have no idea how much that means to me *big hug* ❤️
@scarletPear1945 I'm glad to hear you had fun :) That first visit back with the therapist is allways kind of awkward. That might just be me though lol. It's like I have to get reacquainted all over again
I'm sorry to hear things are on the rise with DID. That can be scary and frustrating. Alot of times we don't know we have it because everything is kept hidden. And it - like everything else mental health wise is on a scale. Yay! I don't mean to make light of things but sometimes it feels like if I don't - I'll lose what's left of me
I haven't been too bad. I'm learning to enjoy my own company. I keep busy. Its spring here now so there's alot of things to do to keep busy. Keeping busy keeps me from thinking too much. Tbh - I'm not sure I have much support wise other than the therapist. I mean there's a few people here that will talk with me and offer encouragement if I say I'm having a hard time. I guess I sort of noticed that most people like it better if things are ok - know what I mean? Positivity seems to be key - so I just keep most of the bad stuff to myself now
Now you got me alittle weepy here. Thank you Pear. I care alot about you too and I'm so grateful to have gotten to know you and to have you think of me as family - you have no idea how much that means to me *big hug* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ugh so it posts twice 😂
@mytwistedsoulI love it and I really mean what I say, I am here for you and I get what you mean that some would not like to hear us talk about our struggles but rather keep things upbeat. My thoughts on that are I am who I am and I am here for a reason. Take me as I am or not at all because I am tired of hiding behind the mask to please others. You can always share or vent with me😊.
My husband's sister died and things are kind of upside-down right now. But things will smooth out soon, I have to keep busy to to keep my mind busy to so I am not focused on my thoughts. I also got me a little part-time job working for a contractor doing his filing, just a few hours a couple of days a week. The change comes in handy😃
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) I'm so sorry for your loss. That would turn things upside down. I hope you're taking time for yourself ❤️
Congratulations on the job! I think that's awesome! Something to help keep busy and something to get out of the house is probably nice too. Yay you!
I definitely agree with the take me as I am but it is something I still struggle with
Thank you - Thank you for being you. Thank you for caring ❤️
@scarletPear1945
@mytwistedsoulI love the cute little mouse. Thanks for sending him to me. Really much needed right now. I am tired of bellyaching all the time but this is the stuff I get dished out. Seems like nothing ever falls right for me without a tremendous battle. I won't even mention the crap. Really hard when there is no one around outside the internet to get support. I even tried to call a new mental health office for an appointment they take my insurance and I don't have to pay out of pocket. Called them two days in a roll and all I get is an answering machine and a recording they will call back in 24 hours and I just hang up. The therapist I had I saw for 2 and a half years at $110.00 a week and I don't feel we have made any progress. She said that I am Multiple and have at least 5Headmates that I need to accept and begin to communicate with before I can move forward. I told her I think she is crazy, not accepting that. Very confused at this point.
@scarletPear1945 In just wanted to let you know you were in my thoughts❤️
It's not bellyaching - it's venting and its better to let it out rather than keep it all in
So you're not leaving a message or you are and they haven't returned your call? I might not be reading it right - I'm sorry. Do they have a website? Maybe you could send an email? If it's a small practice - maybe they don't have a receptionist? Which sounds weird I guess
Its a hard thing to accept and its confusing and scary. If you feel you're not making any progress then you should try someone else. I guess my question is do you trust her? Can you think of any reason she would say this and not be telling the truth? If she says 5 - they must have made their presence known to her. And a tougher question - do you really feel that way or could those thoughts and feeling be coming from some where else? Because if there are others involved they can stop therapy or try to - because they don't think its needed and they feel threatened by it. They can influence things - which is scary and I don't mean to scare you or confuse you more
I have a link here - there absolutely no pressure to look at it ok? And I'm not trying to convince you of anything - one way or another. It's a big site with alot of information and its alot to take in https://did-research.org/ I'm sorry if I gave this to you allready ❤️
@mytwistedsoul,
Thanks for the link. Life has been really different since I have been told about DID. Things are so different I can't lie. Denial totally deny acceptance. They are just imagery. Made them up as an invisible le person and now they are trying to become human. Feels like I am in the Twilight zone. Maybe I just got devils inside.
Dear Diary:
Trying to find the ability to make peace inside and find myself, sounds like an easy task. However simple it sounds I can truly say it is like climbing a mountain without the proper equipment. What I have discovered is that for any task or journey you need to have the proper tools and or gear to accomplish the mission with the least amount of resistance possible. Improper shoes, clothing, or gear will just make the task harder. For me, I don't need any more complications added to that which I already have.
I am so used to keeping noise going on around me that I don't know what it feels like to just allow my mind to quiet down and focus on the right now. I get antsy and uncomfortable when I try to be still. I get fearful in the midst of pure quietness. You see I never learned this skill and had never heard of this practice before. I never was allowed to feel emotions so they are foreign to me.
So not here I stand in my old age trying to learn what I should have learned in my youth. I guess it is like trying to tame a wild horse who has never had a saddle on his back. They can be pretty resistant and even dangerous. Like an old-schooler going back to school to learn new-age math🤔. Totally lost🤷♀️.
Being given that there is little information to build foundational skills upon is no picnic so what do you do? I have begun to search and research the internet for information and understanding about the process of acceptance and communication with people who have DID so that we can begin to build foundational tools to help us learn what to do and how to heal. There has to be an ordered foot print that we can use as the modality to help us understand and shed light on an otherwise scary process. Being able to find a place of none judgemental and honest sharing helps one another with support and honesty. Now I kind of understand what a person must go through when they say, "They Are Coming Out of the closet" must feel. The acceptance, the being able to be you, the taking down of the masks, and becoming vulnerable to others by being true to one's own self. Trying to find a pathway where no road has yet been built.
So I continue to wander in my own wilderness till someone helps build a highway and clear a pathway where we all can walk that leads to a broader destination. Till that time we will keep pressing on brick by brick till victory we have won.🙏
self.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey!, How are you? what's going on in your world?
For me, things are getting done business-wise but as far as the DID my inability to communicate with my insiders has left me feeling a bit like missing parts of myself. For some strange reason, I have been feeling like I am underwater. I even can see the water in my head. I believe that has to be one of my headmates that is experiencing this. For me, I have been drawing and playing just like a little child, But it has been kind of fun. The pictures I am drawing are strange but are like trying to say something that I am missing. I keep trying to deny the realness of all this but it is really real. But why now this long and this late in life.
I went to the links you gave me and found them very informative, Thanks❤️🤔
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) I've been thinking of writing you but you beat me to it
The communication part can be the hardest. They can be afraid and distrustful too. They might be too young to use the words they need. They may have been told to be quiet. They may be stuck in the past yet. It takes time and alot of reassuring that it's ok to come forward. That it's safe now. Sounds easy but it's not. You could create a safe space for them inside. It doesn't have to be much
I have something similar with water sometimes and it does belong to someone else. Have any of them talked with your therapist? Maybe she could tell them that you'd like to meet them and get to know them better. Maybe a notebook. Introduce yourself and ask if they'd like to do the same. I hope someone communicates with you soon. I know it's frustrating
There could be a number of reasons why it's happening now - why they're making themselves known. A while back you met some of your bio family - they might have been dormant and that woke them up. Because they can disappear and reappear. I talked to someone shortly after I was diagnosed - she was allmost 80 and had just found another little. We make excuses for things - losing track of time - forgetfulness. Oh I must have zoned out or saying boy I'm an airhead today. It's alot to take in and wrap your head around. You end up doing alot of research on your own. Some therapists don't even acknowledge DID. Not many are well versed in it. But a good one is willing to do their own research too
In my world - I'm struggling. I have a persecutor who makes it difficult. The things she yells are horrible. I try to ignore it but after awhile it wears me down. Thank you for asking
I'm sorry this got so long 😬
Peace and love to you Pear ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for sharing this with me. I went to therapy very reserved and a bit perturbed with her for putting me off last week. I was able to ask her some questions about what she see with me. She said that when she tries to talk to me that I shut down and she thinks that Hortence fronts at that time. She said that Hortence had spoken to her a few times but now is silent. She feels that we insiders have shut her down and she is afraid to speak anymore. As she talked to me about my dad I described him as this Hanson tall well-dressed man and she blurted out, Your Dad Fu..k you. Then she did EMDR before I left. But that shocked me and I am still mulling over her words. She Triggered what my mom said to me about putting a sign on the front door telling everyone I was gone to F..... my dad. Maybe she was trying to shock me into blaming him instead of myself. That felt like a stab in my heart.
@scarletPear1945 Do you have an idea who might be keeping her quiet? Or is she just afraid because we're often told to be quiet or else. Perhaps it would help to remind her that it's safe to talk now. It's safe for everyone to talk now. Especially at the therapist's office. What's said there is kept between her and you. We have one here who is often afraid to talk, afraid that "she'll" find out. It can help to remind everyone as you walk in that this is a safe space for everyone. Of course it does take time to build trust, between yourselves and with a therapist.
Would you do a favor for me? Would you please tell Hortence that I'm proud of her for coming forward. It was very brave of her.
It wasn't your fault. I know how hard I can be to accept that but it's true. You were a child, an innocent. You had no say in any of it. Of course I don't expect you to just believe me either and that's quite alright. It's something that we have to work out ourselves but it can help to hear it from outsiders.
@mytwistedsoul
My therapist said t.o us Thursday that Our dad was Fuc...king us. I am very hurt that she yelled that at us and feels like betrayal and it hurt us deeply. I don't want to trust any more therapists with my stuff. I feel retraumatized. they all turn on you and use the stuff as a weapon against us. How can we heal? how are we to learn to trust? I did not need that. We will not ever heal like this. Why did she say that to us??😭😭😭
@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry you were hurt by her words. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt anyone. It can be incredibly hard to hear some of the things we hear from our insiders. Unfortunately the only way to heal is to get it all out, to acknowledge all the hurts and talk about them, because denying or ignoring them doesn't make them go away. I wish it did but it doesn't.
Trust can be tricky. You have to start slowly. You could start by telling the therapist you don't trust her and that you feel others have used the things you've shared against you. Is it just you that feels you can't trust her or do the others feel the same? You don't have to share anything you don't want to but what if some of the others would like to or do you speak everyone?
@scarletPear1945. I’m really sorry to hear about what happened with your therapist. I had similar things said to me as a child. I can’t imagine why a therapist would yell such things at you. I can only tell you that I have had some bad experiences with therapists also and it can be really hard to understand. You will be in my thoughts.
My insiders are pissed with me because they warned me not to trust her or give her any information about them or our secrets. It was me that thought I had built a bit of trust in her to tell her about my insiders and I let her read out journals and well I messed up again. It is all my fault to trusting. Now we are all bleeding with remorse
@scarletPear1945 I apologize, I misread something. You've every right to be upset. That was something that absolutely shouldn't have been yelled at you. I can better understand now why everyone is upset. Did your therapist apologize? Not that it would help much of course. I would tell her, if you haven't already. You have to let her know she was in the wrong.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine why she would have done such a horrible thing. You've seen this therapist for awhile too haven't you? I mean she's helped you to this point and then she does something like this to you? What the h*'ll was she thinking? I wish I knew what to tell you - I'm just so sorry this happened
*offering safe hugs to anyone who'd like one*
@mytwistedsoul
I just got no words right now, thanks
@scarletPear1945 *sits with you quietly*
@mytwistedsoul
Just wanted to let you know going out of town for a while. I will touch bases with you when I get back. Stay sweet and stay safe my friend.❤️
@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts. Have a safe trip ❤️ Thank you for letting me know 🙂
@mytwistedsoul
I have tried to post you twice and it keeps getting deleted. I am back.
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) Welcome back! I hope you had a nice trip ❤️
I have that trouble every now and again lately. Or sometimes the reply box is twice the size it should be. I guess they're trying to work out some bugs yet?
@scarletPear1945 You popped into my thoughts so I thought I'd drop off a hug ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, so happy to see you and I am really hungry for that hug😁. I took a chance for closure matters and felt I had to tell her what habic she reaked on my system. I told her just how she set us back and the anger we had. I was the blame for trusting her.
She gave Hortence and all my parts a real heartfelt apology. She said she never meant to hurt us like that. She said she was trying to get my attention. I expressed that the way she did it did not work in fact it was Triggering. I expressed the fact that she never even tried to guild me into parts work and I felt lost trying to find my own way by whatever means I could find. I ordered some books off of Amazon that is great foundation information. One is called "PARTS WORK" workbook and book, By Tom Holms.
Great information. The other is a very simple book called "WE ALL HAVE Parts" by Colleen West. Also extremely easy to read and give you a road map in communicating with your parts.
@scarletPear1945 *big hugs* ❤️ I'm so proud of you! It can be scary having to confront someone about something they did that causes us trouble like that. Its like instant chaos. It's frustrating and causes alot of problems because there can be so many different emotions from everyone and when it causes the whole system to lose trust in one another or even just to lose trust in us. It was so hard to get that trust to begin with
I'm glad she apologized. I know It doesn't instantly make things better because it's allmost like you're back a square one and have to start all over again. And well - I can't help but think she should have known better then to try to get your attention that way. I hate to say it but not many therapists are really trained in DID. Even mine - he's trauma based but he hasn't much training with DID but he's learning - as am I. I am grateful for him though because there's a few times I think we would have been totally lost. But I still struggle with some things. I haven't read those books. I'll have to look for them. Anything that can help make things easier and there are some I still struggle to communicate with
*another big hug* I'm so happy you're back ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I changed Hortences name to PRECIOUS. She really likes the new name. I saw her respond. I cried
@bubblegumPuppy68 This is so wonderful and I'm so happy for you both! ❤️ Precious is a very fitting name.
It makes it more real doesn't it? Witnessing moments like that.
*safe hugs to you and Precious and any others who might like one* ❤️