My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome - I'm sorry I don't have better ideas though ❤️
That is really weird that the lawyer was so well ranked but isn't getting in touch with you or returning calls or emails. Hopefully he gets back to you and has a good explanation on what took him so long
I don't think it makes you a dummy. Its his fault for not doing the job in a timely manner. If he spent money on any material could have at least make sure you have those? I've seen some of your handy work on that one thread - is it something you can finish yourself? Or does he have a helper that can finish? Cause it seems like you could sue him if you wanted to - providing you have a contract or agreement
Good thinking with the car protection plan! Which I mean you still have to shell out money but good that its not as much. Cars are great until they need something fixed
Omg that bank sounds ridiculous! Over draft fees while they investigate something that shouldn't have happened?
I know what you mean about the Telehealth thing. When covid was a big problem and we couldn't go in for appt's - tbh I'm not sure why we even bothered. There was too many outside distractions here at the house and not all of us were comfortable with it because some require reading body language more. And yeah tbh - I thought the same thing about having to pay full price and not really having the full experience. And we had just started working on a few things that required face to face and it feels like we lost so much ground during that time
It makes sense that things are more chaotic inside right now with all the stress you're dealing with right now. Building trust can take a long time. It sucks tbh - but it can. I have some too that I can't communicate with - not in any meaningful way or in a way that gives me any solutions and I know the trust that is there is such a slippery slope right now. Unfortunately the only thing we can do is keep trying. And it might not even be a lack of trust in you. There might be someone inside preventing them from talking to you. They could be feeding the lack of trust
I know it might not seem like much but I see how hard you're trying and how hard you're trying to understand and get things to work. I really hope they open up to you soon ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Picked up my car at no charge. Yea! Blessing***
@scarletPear1945 That's awesome Pear! I'm so happy to hear this! 😊
Today I am really *** off that I have called several Mental Health Offices and Three therapists and I can not get one to even call back and say one darn thing. These are the people that are supposed to be there to help. Even if they are not taking new people they could call and say that.
We are expected to conduct ourselves orderly but ish like this sends me slam off the roof. I am not in the system so they have no type of bad reports about me and I don't know what the problem is.
I think I will go to Psychology Today website and put in a complaint that if they don't want any more clients they should remove their names from the site. That is just rude and traumatizing for them to do people that way. That does more damage than they could imagine or maybe they just don't care.
To me, this is a form of Abuse that should be reported. Makes trust a real issue if they were to handle me in the same haphazard way. I understand that we all have our issues but you chose a profession that you are not being professional in. They say we should have a therapist to help us do the work but ................you can fill in the blank any way you want to.
@scarletPear1945 From what I understand it does violate the Ethics code. If they can't take new clients ok - but they need to at least take 5 minutes or so to return your call to let you know. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble having them get back to you and at this point its kind of a red flag for them as therapists. This is just so wrong 😞
@mytwistedsoul
Thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I don't
mean to pry but sending you Lots of hugs
@scarletPear1945 Pear ❤️ Hey you 🙂 You've been in my thoughts too. This is so sweet and so nice. I don't have many people that check in on me - this is - gosh you've got me speechless
*sending hugs back* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I got myself in a bit of an unforeseen issue by posting this in a forum that I was not authorized to post it in. I had no idea that it was wrong. I guess they fixed it🤷♀️
Hope you are taking good self-care. Know you are always in my thoughts and🙏
@scarletPear1945 The way I look at it - if you weren't authorized to post there then they should have had some thing in place so that you wouldn't have been able to. Their mistake - not yours. Tbh - even if you shouldn't have posted it where you did - there was something bothering you and you let them know - that's pretty doggone brave!
Thank you - you're in my thoughts alot too and I often light a candle for you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
@scarletPear1945 *hugs* ❤️ um - you have a birthday coming up. Yeah? 😊
@mytwistedsoul
Yep, getting ready for that 71 mark😊 getting too old for this healing journey. Trying not to lose hope though.❤️
@scarletPear1945 I know it might not seem like it but I think you've taken some pretty big steps these past few months. I don't mean to seem like I'm trying to make light of anything. * I worry that this isn't sounding the way I want it to* I admire you for how hard you have been fighting for yourself. I admire how hard you've been pushing forward. How you've been using your voice to make yourself heard ❤️
I send you hope dear Pear and strength and much love to you. You deserve so much of the good life has to offer you ❤️
Happy Happy Birthday! 🎉 ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
You are just too sweet and special. I wish you were in reach I would give you one of the biggest heartfelt hugs I could. Thanks............tears of joy🥲
@scarletPear1945 You're so very welcome! ❤️ ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Great granddaughter born at 8am......Hey
@scarletPear1945 Oh my gosh Pear! Congratulations! Woo hoo! That must be pretty special having a grandbaby born on your birthday! ❤️
@scarletPear1945 Did you have a nice birthday?
@mytwistedsoul
It is today 21st. Off to a rocky start
@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry to hear it's off to a rocky start. What can we do to smooth it out and make it a better day? *offers hugs* ❤️
@scarletPear1945. Happy birthday 🎂🎉🎈🎁🎊! Thinking of you on your birthday and I hope that your day improves too ❤️.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thanks so much/ Got a Great Grand born this morn at 6am my Birthday
@scarletPear1945 Wow! Congratulations 🎉🍾🎈🎊!
The allusions of life:
Delusion, or Illusion???
I feel I am always struggling to find me the real and authentic self. I am she who portrays as one who is in control of herself and her thoughts but deep within I am engaged in this inner warfare that hides deep within. The sense of being authentic is far-fetched. One part behaves one way then other times a whole different part of me emerges with different attributes and desires. Paranoia grips my daily life and refuses to let go. The sleepless nights that plague me day in and day out. Words I never tell, I never acknowledge yet they torment my soul.
I walk down the pathway of Healing and yet it seems so far away as if walking in place but never really moving. I form this visual allusion and my eyes see this illusion of a life that is not what it appears to be. This person who can't even watch tv without getting triggered and reminded of the past. It is not my choice it just is. The woman who has for years been afraid to sleep in a bed in a room for triggers and fears. This person who reached out for help but whose voice fell upon silent ears. This past that never dies. I heard it said Fake it till you make it, Only works but for a while. Yet I don't and won"t quit. I am the Palm Tree, I have got to keep rising, reaching for the unreachable, hoping for the unobtainable, and believing for the unexpectable. Against all odds.
@scarletPear1945 
I hope your day is going better than it was this morning ❤️ Sending you much love and hugs
Happy Birthday! ❤️ ❤️
I have been stumbling around here and came across your forum/diary. I see you have had a lot of people reach out to you here.
I started reading your earliest posts and it struck me to let you know that I too came from an abusive home. Three sisters , I know for a fact one was abused for a lot of years. The other two were too but I don’t think it was as regular. All three were out of the house as soon as they could. I was the accident baby , sympathy relations or something along those lines. I was also abused in a similar fashion. But as far as I know it the extreme invasions stopped when I was in grade school. There was other things that went on from there and I will drop my rambling there. I guess what I’m saying is I relate completely with what little I have read. I will stop reading if you want me to but if you are ok with it I would like to continue as my mind allows. Thank you and I am thankful to have met you .
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Ah, you are so sweet❤️. Yes by all means you may read my diary. Most of all I want you to really know that I intend to try and stay with you as long as you allow me to. You have a friend in me.
@scarletPear1945 Thank you, I am very grateful to have you be part of my journey.
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) You have been in my thoughts my friend ❤️ How are you?
*sending hugs* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I am still here, still working on things., I am getting ready to head home from work at the moment, I will try to remember to get back to this , I want to be able to focus a little better on my conversation with you. Thank you for thinking of me, talk soon.
@mytwistedsoul sorry I responded to somebody else’s post that was very wrong. I apologize.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey :) its ok no harm done and nothing to be sorry for ❤️
I've seen alot of your posts and you really seem to be dealing with a great deal of things. You have been in my thoughts - I don't know everything you're going through but I'd like to offer you a safe hug and I'll send some good vibes your way. I'm only a tag away if you ever want to talk ok?
Be gentle with yourself ❤️
* I like your name btw :) *
@mytwistedsoul Thank you so very much for your kindness.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hey, how is it going? glad to see you. So you go to the doctor soon, and I know your adrenalin is running high. Sending you prayers for good news and a hand to hold while you go into the doctor's office.🙏👋✌️a victory hand.
@scarletPear1945 I am ok, I have done my usual postings here with my ramblings. Honestly I’m scared but such is life.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't think your ramblings have bothered or offended anyone. It's sort of the whole point here. To get things off your chest and out of your mind - to share. You're doing it in a way that feels right to you and I think that's wonderful ❤️
It sounds really serious and I hope that your latest posts were not your last posts. I'd miss seeing you on Cups. I know it's hours after you wrote this but I hope your appointment goes well and that we all continue to see you around here ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Thank you for your kind words once again. I actually am sitting in the hospital parking lot right now, getting the ambition to go in.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami @scarletPear1945 and I are with you ❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hello, Hello, calling @iamwhoiamwhoami
@scarletPear1945 Hello?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Thanks for answering my call❤️😊 You have been on my mind so heavily. I prayed for you. I was feeling that family bond with you and I never want to let you down.
@scarletPear1945 I can’t imagine you letting me down. I may get wrapped up in my negativity and issues, and that results in short responses, but I understand everyone else here is struggling with their own problems and dealing with them in their own ways. I am here with a non-expecting attitude. I don’t expect any responses, it is wonderful to get them and be recognized. I’m not a positive person, and with all of my struggles I have very little confidence in anything I do or say, so I’m not comfortable trying to get the right words out to those who need that kindness and compassion that I have been lucky enough to have received. I want to be there for others, I just don’t have the confidence or enough positivity to actually be worthwhile.
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for checking in on me😊, I have been busy shopping and decorating the outside of the house along with hours of raking leaves. I also renovated my She Shed a bit. Really proud of how it turned o
ut.
@scarletPear1945 You have been busy! Wow!! Your she shed looks amazing! You should be proud! It's so cool! You did all that yourself too! Super Pear! ❤️
Oh gosh leaves! I spent some time doing that today too! Ugh Every time I think I have them all more fall! A lesson in futility
You mentioning decorations reminds me need to get the lights out for the porch so I remember to put them up - thank you! 😊❤️
Enjoy that she shed! It looks so nice and cozy 😊
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. How are you doing? these leaves are crazily still coming down and about 1.5 archers are covered with leaves. I only managed to do around the back of my house and partly in front of the She Shed/ Taking small breaks in between. My yard looks as though I just barely made a dent in the leaves. I wanted to burn them but it is now raining. I'll have to wait till they dry out.
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome 😊 I'm doing better thank you. Finally getting over the illness that's plagued me for the past month
Sounds like here with the leaves! Its surprising how taxing cleaning up leaves can be. I'm glad you're taking breaks in between. It's raining here today too and I think its supposed to get windy. Hopefully the rain has the leaves heavy enough that they don't blow around again!
Have you had any luck with a therapist? I think about that alot and hope that someone gets back to you soon ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
No therapist called and I called Mental Health to ask for an appointment because they are 10 minutes away from me. They told me I had to go to the one that is 28 miles away. That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.
@scarletPear1945 That is pretty dumb tbh 😕 Is there a county line or something? Maybe they're broken down into districts? Still pretty dumb. It shouldn't be so hard to find a therapist my gosh! And the fact that none returned your call. That really sucks. They should at least return it even if they don't have any openings
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) You popped into my thoughts today so I wanted to see how you're doing. I see you doing some awesome threads for the 50+ community! ❤️
*drops off some hugs and sends some good vibes* ❤️
