My Silent Voice (Diary)

@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) just dropping off a hug ❤️ I hope your all doing ok

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks for dropping in on me. I like that😊

How about you?

@scarletPear1945 @scarletPear1945 You're welcome Tbh - I like dropping in ❤️

@mytwistedsoul.

Misty is checking on things and said she would get back to me by the end of the week.

I hope to be able to help more as a forum supporter

Since we have no therapist now< I find myself all wired up, especially during the wee hours of the morning. Can't sleep without nightmares so I use the time cleaning reorganizing and doing whatever can get my focus off myself and the insiders. I found my tennis shoes, they reappeared after a month. I think Thunder might have been behind that. Everyone is still pretty distant but that I told you so is getting on my nerves. Reading is not so good right now as I am not focused enough. However, I still keep trying to journal.

Thanks for asking😊 The GreatGrand is doing fine

@scarletPear1945

Goodluck

@ayeyaeyaaaaaaaa,

I need all I can get

Thanks❤️😊

@scarletPear1945 I hope you hear back from Misty soon. I think you'll be a wonderful forum supporter 😊

Lord, Lord:

Therapy withdrawal is harder than I thought. I did not think for one minute that I would be struggling like this. I feel like some old whinny baby trying to get mama's attention. Am I this attached to this lady that is causing me this much inner remorse? I had sworn to myself that I would never allow anyone to get this close to me in my life. Yet here I stand foot in the mouth once again. I don't know why I just did not listen to the voices telling me and warning me. Not safe, not safe. I went against that voice and did what I always do . Look at everyone as safe. As many times as I have been bitten, why the heck am I still following my self-thoughts? This is the kind of stuff that makes me so uncertain about helping others. It would be my least intent to hurt someone or tell them wrong. Does the way get brighter the longer we are on it? I am a compassionate person and I have been hurt a bunch and I know the pain and the anguish. If I can't help someone then I don't want to hurt them.

I guess being in therapy has some benefits, is the purpose of therapy is to win our trust, and in doing that we get emotionally attached to them that can't function without them as our outlet??

I just got to vent my way through. Three years with her😡😢🙏😒🙏🤷‍♀️

@NoneTheWiser

❤️❤️❤️ thanks

@scarletPear1945 Popping in on you to see how you are ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Doing ok, making myself be ok👌

@scarletPear1945 *hugs* ❤️ I do that alot too

*sending you strength and much love Pear ❤️* We'll weather this ok?

@mytwistedsoul

Gosh...It sure is hard to stay positive and upbeat when all heck never seems to cease. It seems I have to fight for everything that should come naturally. Life is so full of people that prey on taking advantage of others. Keep smiling and turning the other cheek, just not the one on my face. Still thinking about the therapist and how that went sour. I don't think I learned much at all. I paid an attorney some big money and now he has disappeared. it's been two months and no calls no emails no nothing. The contractor had a TIA and can't finish the work I paid him for. Lastly, my car needs a $11 hundred dollar part. and the bank is still investigating the hack on my account.

My Cup Runneth over, no more please

@scarletPear1945 It sure is hard. Wow Pear you have an awful lot on your plate right now. I think it's understandable that you would be struggling to stay positive and upbeat. It does seem like there's alot of those people in life - but there's good people too
I was wondering how things were going since things ended with the therapist. There's probably alot of mixed feelings about it too. A mix of relief and regret - anger - all those confusing emotions. It's alot to take in - the information we get and some of it - as hard as we try to hold on to it - it slips away. Would you be able to maybe try face timing her? I remember you said that it's hard for you to have any privacy - but I wonder if maybe it would be easier to find a safe place if you were on your phone? Even if you would have to sit in the car? Or maybe - You could give alittle more thought to finding another one? Allthough the might be more feelings about that too - plus fear of getting close to another one. The littles especially - which of course brings out those protectors - because we're not going through this nonsense again

Is there anyway to research this attorney? I mean to find out what his reviews are? I would imagine he's probably allready cashed the check? Have you tried to email him? With the contractor - he should give you a refund for the work he didn't finish right? I mean - I would hope he would if he's not able to finish the job

Omg - I'm sorry to hear about your car! Everything seems to be even more expensive right now when it comes to parts to fix things. Does the bank have any idea when they'll release the account? I mean I can see they want to figure it out but there has to be some way to release the fund to you so you can take care of things. Could they maybe open a new account for you? Keep alittle in the old one to keep it open but transfer the funds they know you have to a new one?

*sending you strength and leaving a hug* I hope things get straightened out soon Pear - you definitely deserve a break ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks for being here.

I have tried everything I know to get in touch with the attorney and I did research on his law firm before I hired him. They are a number one rating, don't understand what has happened. He is in another state which makes tracing him more difficult.

The contractor will not refund the money he spent it and now he is saying that he is going to finish the work for several months but never shows up. This is my fault because I went against my own principles and paid him in advance because I thought I knew him better than that. Big dummy I was.

The car we took to Kia this morning and we are waiting to find out the verdict. One thing good about that is I have Car Protection Plan that I just have to pay the first hundred dollars.

The bank has given me some provisional funds but I can't use my card they want to attach overdraft fees till the investigation is over and I don't want to do that. I did go and open a new account at another bank but even that is going to take 10 business days before I get the card.

The therapist: I have been looking at the lack of progress I made with her after reading another post here about someone else that had therapy issues and the reply to them made me reevaluate my progress and lack of direction from her. As far as Telehealth it never worked well, maybe because we are in the country and internet connections are in and out. But I still had to pay the full price plus go get money orders and mail them to her. I think the price should reflect a discount. Even when we could only talk on the phone, it just was not the same because I can't see them judge the facial expressions and she has a habit of saying some things that make me wonder what she is really trying to infer

When I am under this kind of pressure things get really hectic inside. Experiencing the presence of someone inside keeps coming into my peripheral vision and talking but I can't clearly hear what they are saying. It's really weird and a bit scary. I still don't know how to relate to them or communicate with them. I guess I have not proved they can trust me as of yet, and I have to agree with them on that. Not sure to trust me.

@scarletPear1945 You're welcome - I'm sorry I don't have better ideas though ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Picked up my car at no charge. Yea! Blessing***

@scarletPear1945 That's awesome Pear! I'm so happy to hear this! 😊

Today I am really *** off that I have called several Mental Health Offices and Three therapists and I can not get one to even call back and say one darn thing. These are the people that are supposed to be there to help. Even if they are not taking new people they could call and say that.

We are expected to conduct ourselves orderly but ish like this sends me slam off the roof. I am not in the system so they have no type of bad reports about me and I don't know what the problem is.

I think I will go to Psychology Today website and put in a complaint that if they don't want any more clients they should remove their names from the site. That is just rude and traumatizing for them to do people that way. That does more damage than they could imagine or maybe they just don't care.

To me, this is a form of Abuse that should be reported. Makes trust a real issue if they were to handle me in the same haphazard way. I understand that we all have our issues but you chose a profession that you are not being professional in. They say we should have a therapist to help us do the work but ................you can fill in the blank any way you want to.

@scarletPear1945 From what I understand it does violate the Ethics code. If they can't take new clients ok - but they need to at least take 5 minutes or so to return your call to let you know. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble having them get back to you and at this point its kind of a red flag for them as therapists. This is just so wrong 😞

@mytwistedsoul

Thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I don't mean to pry but sending you Lots of hugs

@scarletPear1945 Pear ❤️ Hey you 🙂 You've been in my thoughts too. This is so sweet and so nice. I don't have many people that check in on me - this is - gosh you've got me speechless

@mytwistedsoul

I got myself in a bit of an unforeseen issue by posting this in a forum that I was not authorized to post it in. I had no idea that it was wrong. I guess they fixed it🤷‍♀️

Hope you are taking good self-care. Know you are always in my thoughts and🙏

@scarletPear1945 The way I look at it - if you weren't authorized to post there then they should have had some thing in place so that you wouldn't have been able to. Their mistake - not yours. Tbh - even if you shouldn't have posted it where you did - there was something bothering you and you let them know - that's pretty doggone brave!

@mytwistedsoul

@scarletPear1945 *hugs* ❤️ um - you have a birthday coming up. Yeah? 😊

@mytwistedsoul

Yep, getting ready for that 71 mark😊 getting too old for this healing journey. Trying not to lose hope though.❤️

@scarletPear1945 I know it might not seem like it but I think you've taken some pretty big steps these past few months. I don't mean to seem like I'm trying to make light of anything. * I worry that this isn't sounding the way I want it to* I admire you for how hard you have been fighting for yourself. I admire how hard you've been pushing forward. How you've been using your voice to make yourself heard ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

You are just too sweet and special. I wish you were in reach I would give you one of the biggest heartfelt hugs I could. Thanks............tears of joy🥲

@scarletPear1945 You're so very welcome! ❤️ ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Great granddaughter born at 8am......Hey

@scarletPear1945 Oh my gosh Pear! Congratulations! Woo hoo! That must be pretty special having a grandbaby born on your birthday! ❤️

@scarletPear1945 Did you have a nice birthday?

@mytwistedsoul

It is today 21st. Off to a rocky start

@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry to hear it's off to a rocky start. What can we do to smooth it out and make it a better day? *offers hugs* ❤️

@scarletPear1945. Happy birthday 🎂🎉🎈🎁🎊! Thinking of you on your birthday and I hope that your day improves too ❤️.

@adventurousBranch3786

Thanks so much/ Got a Great Grand born this morn at 6am my Birthday

@scarletPear1945 Wow! Congratulations 🎉🍾🎈🎊!

The allusions of life:

Delusion, or Illusion???

I feel I am always struggling to find me the real and authentic self. I am she who portrays as one who is in control of herself and her thoughts but deep within I am engaged in this inner warfare that hides deep within. The sense of being authentic is far-fetched. One part behaves one way then other times a whole different part of me emerges with different attributes and desires. Paranoia grips my daily life and refuses to let go. The sleepless nights that plague me day in and day out. Words I never tell, I never acknowledge yet they torment my soul.

I walk down the pathway of Healing and yet it seems so far away as if walking in place but never really moving. I form this visual allusion and my eyes see this illusion of a life that is not what it appears to be. This person who can't even watch tv without getting triggered and reminded of the past. It is not my choice it just is. The woman who has for years been afraid to sleep in a bed in a room for triggers and fears. This person who reached out for help but whose voice fell upon silent ears. This past that never dies. I heard it said Fake it till you make it, Only works but for a while. Yet I don't and won"t quit. I am the Palm Tree, I have got to keep rising, reaching for the unreachable, hoping for the unobtainable, and believing for the unexpectable. Against all odds.

@scarletPear1945

I hope your day is going better than it was this morning ❤️ Sending you much love and hugs

Happy Birthday! ❤️ ❤️