It's Not Your Fault

It’s not your fault.

What has happened to you is not your fault.

The challenges and hardships you’ve endured at the hands of someone else are not a reflection of your character. The harm that’s been done is not a testament to your worth.

I can say this because I’ve been there, too.

I wrestled with self-loathing for years. I was raised in a toxic abusive environment by parents who were not equipped for the job. They fought relentlessly with the use of emotional warfare with no regard for what I heard and what they subjected me to. I was helpless to do anything to stop the hostility. It was over my head. They used threats I could not hope to understand until I was an adult.

Only after gaining distance from them both could I look back on that part of my life and piece together the puzzle I hadn't been able to see when I was stuck in the middle of it. Unfortunately, once I put it together and viewed the full picture, I started blaming myself for all the things that I believed that maybe, just maybe, I could have prevented, if I just said this, or did that.

What if I had just been more assertive? What if I had just said no?

What if, what if, what ifs ruled my thoughts, clouding my judgment, and instead of being the closest friend I needed to be, to the inner child relying on me, I was making an enemy out of myself.

I did quite a bit of soul-searching, but the reality is it took people around me—external voices—who heard my story to give me perspective and show me that I was hurting myself.

You were a child. How were you supposed to know? 

It hit home. I was a child. Accepting that was hard but in doing so, I took the first step to forgive myself for the pain I put myself through.

The sky opened, and a shower of catharsis washed over me. For the first time, I felt this wonderful freeing thing called validation. 

Feeling validated roused this sense of empowerment and ignited a newfound curiosity to find out if I was not as alone as I led myself to believe through my pain-driven isolation. I sought out to hear other stories. I listened to countless cases of similar suffering and as heartbreaking as it was to hear them, it was deeply soothing to realize that I am not alone. Not at all. I just needed to open up and talk.

By recognizing that I was a survivor, I could release the unnecessary burden of guilt, shame, and self-hatred.

I can’t begin to know what you’re going through, but what I do know is that you are not responsible for the actions others have taken.

For whoever needs to hear this: you did only what you knew how to do. You did the best you could with what you had.

Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, and there’s nothing you could have done to avoid it. It's okay to acknowledge that and to give yourself grace.

You can’t change your past, but as they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” You are accountable for one person: you. Let go of what you think you could have done, and focus on what you can do now, and you’ll find glimmers of hope where there weren’t before.

You may even find some of those glimmers right here in our community.

It’s not your fault. Don’t be afraid to break the cycle and cut yourself loose because you will not fall. We will be waiting here to catch you. It’s one of the bravest most empowering things you could ever do.

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To those who are struggling, I hope reading this brings you comfort, and return to this post whenever you need a reminder to practice self-compassion. 💙