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It's Not Your Fault

Heather225 September 12th

It’s not your fault.

What has happened to you is not your fault.

The challenges and hardships you’ve endured at the hands of someone else are not a reflection of your character. The harm that’s been done is not a testament to your worth.

I can say this because I’ve been there, too.

I wrestled with self-loathing for years. I was raised in a toxic abusive environment by parents who were not equipped for the job. They fought relentlessly with the use of emotional warfare with no regard for what I heard and what they subjected me to. I was helpless to do anything to stop the hostility. It was over my head. They used threats I could not hope to understand until I was an adult.

Only after gaining distance from them both could I look back on that part of my life and piece together the puzzle I hadn't been able to see when I was stuck in the middle of it. Unfortunately, once I put it together and viewed the full picture, I started blaming myself for all the things that I believed that maybe, just maybe, I could have prevented, if I just said this, or did that.

What if I had just been more assertive? What if I had just said no?

What if, what if, what ifs ruled my thoughts, clouding my judgment, and instead of being the closest friend I needed to be, to the inner child relying on me, I was making an enemy out of myself.

I did quite a bit of soul-searching, but the reality is it took people around me—external voices—who heard my story to give me perspective and show me that I was hurting myself.

You were a child. How were you supposed to know? 

It hit home. I was a child. Accepting that was hard but in doing so, I took the first step to forgive myself for the pain I put myself through.

The sky opened, and a shower of catharsis washed over me. For the first time, I felt this wonderful freeing thing called validation. 

Feeling validated roused this sense of empowerment and ignited a newfound curiosity to find out if I was not as alone as I led myself to believe through my pain-driven isolation. I sought out to hear other stories. I listened to countless cases of similar suffering and as heartbreaking as it was to hear them, it was deeply soothing to realize that I am not alone. Not at all. I just needed to open up and talk.

By recognizing that I was a survivor, I could release the unnecessary burden of guilt, shame, and self-hatred.

I can’t begin to know what you’re going through, but what I do know is that you are not responsible for the actions others have taken.

For whoever needs to hear this: you did only what you knew how to do. You did the best you could with what you had.

Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, and there’s nothing you could have done to avoid it. It's okay to acknowledge that and to give yourself grace.

You can’t change your past, but as they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” You are accountable for one person: you. Let go of what you think you could have done, and focus on what you can do now, and you’ll find glimmers of hope where there weren’t before.

You may even find some of those glimmers right here in our community.

It’s not your fault. Don’t be afraid to break the cycle and cut yourself loose because you will not fall. We will be waiting here to catch you. It’s one of the bravest most empowering things you could ever do.

-

To those who are struggling, I hope reading this brings you comfort, and return to this post whenever you need a reminder to practice self-compassion. 💙

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Theofficialcockroach September 13th

@Heather225 i really needed to hear this, thank you

1 reply
Sunisshiningandsoareyou September 13th

@Theofficialcockroach


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Fuechsin September 13th

@Heather225

Wow, thank you for sharing this with us. The way you portray your learnings from what you've been through is really empowering. It takes a lot to be able to reflect that openly, and to be that vulnerable openly.

I'm sure there are many people who need to hear this. Hopefully, they will gain some energy and strength from this to be able to take care of their inner child, just like you seem to have been able to do more now.

1 reply
Heather225 OP September 18th

@Fuechsin

this means means so much to me ❤️ thank you

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genuineShoulder461 September 13th
Thankyou for this. It really makes some of us feel so good and like less burdened. Thankyou @Heather225 and @soulsings for always being the most awesome people you're.
1 reply
Heather225 OP September 18th

@genuineShoulder461

thank you very much! and 100% agreed - soulsings is an amazing individual and an asset to our community

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mytwistedsoul September 13th

@Heather225 Thank you for sharing your story. I have to admit I got a little choked up reading, because it hit close to home for me. I've been holding tightly to the could've, would've, should've and what if thoughts, especially lately. Reading this and knowing that you moved past the past, gives me some hope that I can do it too. Thank you ❤️

3 replies
Sunisshiningandsoareyou September 13th

@mytwistedsoul

Yes, you can as well, Soul, and at your pace, taking your time always. ❤

2 replies
mytwistedsoul September 14th

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou aww Sun 🥹 ❤️ You always bring the light ❤️🍦🍪

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Tinywhisper11 September 17th

@mytwistedsoul hugs soul ❤❤

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aCalmOasis September 13th

@Heather225

Wow, what a healing balm of a letter Heather. So beautiful, thanks for sharing a piece of your journey with us. Finding that validation and knowing that you are not alone is essential to the healing process. 💗 

1 reply
Heather225 OP September 17th

@aCalmOasis

it's my pleasure. thank you for the sweet encouraging reply 💙

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KatePersephone September 13th

@Heather225
thank you for the kind words, H!
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Heather225 OP September 17th

@KatePersephone

thanks for reading, Kate!

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RainbowRosie September 13th

@Heather225

Self-compassion is something I’ve been working on for some time now. So thank you for this as it will help me and many others to do the same 🌹

1 reply
Heather225 OP September 17th

@RainbowRosie

you are very welcome. i am happy i can help instill some hope and motivation 🥰

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HoldingOnByAThread01 September 14th

This is a very sobering and helpful post. Thank you for the heart you put into this. It’s much appreciated. Please continue to share this knowledge you have gained.

2 replies
Heather225 OP September 17th

@HoldingOnByAThread01

thank you! i am touched by the positive reception to this story. i will definitely share more life wisdom as it applies to our beloved community 💪

1 reply
HoldingOnByAThread01 September 17th

Happy to hear that @Heather225

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floatingLeaf4973 September 14th

@Heather225

That's really helpful Heather, thank you. I wish people like you weren't so scarce here. I often feel guilty to burden one or two person with my problems. 
Maybe I'm a bit hungry, but can this kind of spirit be trained among listeners? Or like listeners with this attitude given more encouragement and other things so that they continue to come to this site and volunteer? This kind of forgiving attitude is so much needed. Thank you again <3

2 replies
Heather225 OP September 17th

@floatingLeaf4973

i love your thinking and would certainly be open to brainstorming ways to instill more of this in our listener community. thank you for reading!

1 reply
floatingLeaf4973 September 18th

@Heather225

Thank you for considering my idea Heather! <3

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Wildflower257 September 14th

@Heather225

So well articulated. And couldn't have come at a better time. 

I have also lived the exact same situation as you, felt all of that helplessness, hopelessness, shame and self loathing as a child, and still struggle with it as an adult. I hope I can one day find my way through the darkness and learn to accept my past and love myself.

1 reply
floatingLeaf4973 September 14th

@Wildflower257

Thank you for sharing flower. I feel you, I appreciate your courage to work on it. Sending much love and soothing <3

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