It's Not Your Fault
It’s not your fault.
What has happened to you is not your fault.
The challenges and hardships you’ve endured at the hands of someone else are not a reflection of your character. The harm that’s been done is not a testament to your worth.
I can say this because I’ve been there, too.
I wrestled with self-loathing for years. I was raised in a toxic abusive environment by parents who were not equipped for the job. They fought relentlessly with the use of emotional warfare with no regard for what I heard and what they subjected me to. I was helpless to do anything to stop the hostility. It was over my head. They used threats I could not hope to understand until I was an adult.
Only after gaining distance from them both could I look back on that part of my life and piece together the puzzle I hadn't been able to see when I was stuck in the middle of it. Unfortunately, once I put it together and viewed the full picture, I started blaming myself for all the things that I believed that maybe, just maybe, I could have prevented, if I just said this, or did that.
What if I had just been more assertive? What if I had just said no?
What if, what if, what ifs ruled my thoughts, clouding my judgment, and instead of being the closest friend I needed to be, to the inner child relying on me, I was making an enemy out of myself.
I did quite a bit of soul-searching, but the reality is it took people around me—external voices—who heard my story to give me perspective and show me that I was hurting myself.
You were a child. How were you supposed to know?
It hit home. I was a child. Accepting that was hard but in doing so, I took the first step to forgive myself for the pain I put myself through.
The sky opened, and a shower of catharsis washed over me. For the first time, I felt this wonderful freeing thing called validation.
Feeling validated roused this sense of empowerment and ignited a newfound curiosity to find out if I was not as alone as I led myself to believe through my pain-driven isolation. I sought out to hear other stories. I listened to countless cases of similar suffering and as heartbreaking as it was to hear them, it was deeply soothing to realize that I am not alone. Not at all. I just needed to open up and talk.
By recognizing that I was a survivor, I could release the unnecessary burden of guilt, shame, and self-hatred.
I can’t begin to know what you’re going through, but what I do know is that you are not responsible for the actions others have taken.
For whoever needs to hear this: you did only what you knew how to do. You did the best you could with what you had.
Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, and there’s nothing you could have done to avoid it. It's okay to acknowledge that and to give yourself grace.
You can’t change your past, but as they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” You are accountable for one person: you. Let go of what you think you could have done, and focus on what you can do now, and you’ll find glimmers of hope where there weren’t before.
You may even find some of those glimmers right here in our community.
It’s not your fault. Don’t be afraid to break the cycle and cut yourself loose because you will not fall. We will be waiting here to catch you. It’s one of the bravest most empowering things you could ever do.
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To those who are struggling, I hope reading this brings you comfort, and return to this post whenever you need a reminder to practice self-compassion. 💙
@Heather225
Hey , your story is a testimony of strength and its really wodnerful to see that people get out of it . i m 15 . and tbh my life is somewhat like yours , and i am really struggling to built a life with all the extra things i have to deal with . my friends dont understand as they never had to deal with something liek this so i feel lonely and i hate myslwf for not being enough .
Poverty , bullying, trauma , childhood neglect ...idk these are terms that i guess fit my description though i have had no professional therapy . what are some ways you coped or what would you suggest your younger self ? Are there ways to make it better until i am really grown up . ? How can i make it better right now .
@Heather225
Yes you are right. Whatever happens is not our fault. I can understand what you gone through. I was also in the same condition as you when I was a child. And started to blaming myself. But later on I recognized that no it was not my fault.
Gives you a lot of hugs.
Your post is quite insightful. I’ll need to read it a few times in order to digest it fully.
i do have a couple of comments and a question.
A child’s living situation and parents are not the fault of the child. There is no leaving for the child. Where would one go? So, survival is the goal. Children are not at fault for their confusion, low self-esteem, sadness and hopelessness. However, I don’t think one can say they are not at fault for anything. We’ve all done things for which we are at fault.
My question is, can we say that as children we were not at fault for our circumstances but we should be held accountable for many of our behaviors? Can we say that as adults, we should be held accountable for our poor decisions?
i am slowly working through replies and will try to respond or at least upvote that i see you because i am truly moved by the reception to this post! for now, i wanted to thank everyone who read this. my intention was to impart wisdom from my own experience and i can see it's touched many who can relate to it, who may have struggled similarly. this story isn't for everyone but for those who resonate, i hope you feel the sincerity of my words and the reassuring vibes i am radiating your way. ✨ i am pulling for you no matter what challenge you are facing. we're all in this thing called life together, after all. i am constantly touched by the collective compassion of our community. ❤️
@Heather225
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for this. You really understand what it feels like.
Love from Malaysia ð©¶ð©·ð©¶ð©·
@Heather225 I needed this, thank you
@Heather225
why? why do bad things happen to good people?
Ross Geller :p
@Heather225
Wow, thank you for sharing this. I really felt that. Especially the part about blaming yourself for things you couldn’t have changed. It’s so easy to get caught up in those "what ifs," even though, deep down, we know we were just doing our best with what we had at the time. Your story is powerful, and it shows that you’ve been through so much, but instead of letting it weigh you down forever, you found a way to release it and see things more clearly. That line, "You were a child. How were you supposed to know?", that really hits home. It’s something so many of us need to hear, even as adults, because it’s easy to forget our own innocence in situations we had no control over.
Very well written! Kind words. Nicely done. Thank you for sharing.
@Heather225 thank you for sharing this powerful message