Space After Argument

@Mikanicolay I think answer to this may be subjective to one answering, some people like or are ok with space but some don't find it comfortable to wait or be patient

i need lots of space to function specially while feeling stressed so i can see why your partner may be feeling the need also

it's ok to be patient and compassionate with people while they deal with their emotions and situations they are on ... sometimes that's helpful enough!

would you consider letting them know you'll be around if they wanna talk sometime or something?

hope things get better for you both <3

@Mikanicolay

There are times when some individuals or people need a little separation and space to process information, emotions and events. The duration of time is definitely not a one size fits all, and may take longer for some.

I do sense your frustration with the sudden or maybe common reaction of space and distance after an argument by your partner. It can be an added stressor - for you. Why do you think he needs space? Time to calm down? Does he naturally inclined to self discover, or does he like to vocalize his thoughts?

How are things when the time has passed and a conversation resumes?

This was our first argument. Unfortunately at the same time he’s been stressed about money. He left out of town to work. It’ll be 2 weeks Monday since we’ve talked…

@Mikanicolay,

everyone deals with emotions and stress in a different way. All you can do it let him know you are there for him.

@Mikanicolay If he's going through something and you both have just had an argument, maybe he felt like he needed a bit of space to clear his thoughts cus he just had a lot going on. It's not that he has anything against you, its totally normal dont worry.

PS: If you wanna help him through it or support him or something, then you should consider writing him a love filled paragraph or make a voice recording. A few words from your soulmate sure feels the best.

Hello Mikanicolay!

This maybe a subjective answer as how people deal with arguments differ from person to person. I do know that I’m relpying quite late. Sorry about that.

Healthy arguments are part of healthy relationships. I understand that you are aware that your boyfriend has stress outside the relationship. Having a supportive conversation about the stress would make a difference as most find it comforting when people close to them listen to their difficulties too. People taking space would be subjective as some may find to easier to forget about the argument while some may reflect on the situation for the future and need some space. I hope this helps.

Sorry for the late reply and I hope both of you feel better❤️

I think it's good to have space but not more than 3 days

@blindAngle

I agree with this. 

@Mikanicolay

i dont know its normal or not, but what i can say is that having some peace of miand will certenly helps you and your partner ot take moment to have thought on your relastionship and life in general for positive out come

@Mikanicolay

Hey 👋🏻

I see it's been over a month since you've posted this question, hope everything's going well there.

To answer your question, it truly depends on factors such as the communication style, methods for handling stress, problem solving, and others each of you prefer on given condition.

Some partners would like talk about the issues right away while some would like to take a few minutes or even days off to cool down and recollect their thoughts before engaging in a conversation.

If you are someone who'd like to talk immediately at the rise of an issue while your partner favours the opposite then, establishing a safe middle ground could help you both freely share/ take time off without leaving room for any negative thoughts to grow.

And this would be appropriate at a time when both are calm.

@Mikanicolay

There are situations when the other person needs both space and time, and this is sometimes difficult to accept. Especially after an argument. You also mentioned that your partner is stressed. May I ask if he has reacted like this before? Everyone deals with emotions in a different way. I hope all goes well!

It depends this is what my ex asked for and she kept me holding on for over a week...it can be used as emotional abuse aswell

@Mikanicolay

Hey there, that all depends on the person and situation in itself. If your partner needs his space sometimes it's a healthy thing to do. How are you during this time?

Yes after arguments most relationships take some time to settle down. Its important to clear your positions as to why the conflicts started in the first place, and discuss peacefully when the situation calms down @Mikanicolay

Sorry for commenting on an old post, you may have resolved this already, but in case youre not sure how you feel about his behavior or if anyone is going through something similar… How he acts once he reconnects is the best indication of whether this behavior is healthy. If he comes back and wants to pretend the fight never happened, that’s not a great sign of healthy coping. As others have said, some people do need more time to get their thoughts together and prefer to get their emotions in check before continuing a difficult conversation. If he’s ready to resolve the issue and has constructive things to say about it, then that’s just his process. Of course, it’s still up to you to decide what you’re comfortable with. Two people can have perfectly healthy coping mechanisms that work against each other.

I need your question answered as well. I’m in a relationship and I haven’t seen my boyfriend in 11 days.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with stress and giving someone space usually helps. I think it would be best if you gave him his personal space and then have a talk after. Hope everything goes well!

Yes. In a relationship we must constantly balance our mental health and boundaries, our needs, but also at the same time we must be conscious of our partner’s needs and the needs of the relationship for intimacy and connection.

At a certain point if he keeps asking for space the distance will grow in your relationship. At a certain point “space” might become a pretext for avoiding the issue. Although pressuring him to commit to a timeline of when he wants to deal with the issue really would not take into account how emotions like anger and frustration actually work.

In the end though, people need to decide if they want to be angry forever, or if they want their relationship to survive, if they want a solution to move on to a better place in their relationship, or do they just want to stay unhappy and frustrated and stuck in the argument?

If he is also experiencing stress outside of the relationship, he MAY be questioning the relationship more generally, whether it is right for him right now with everything he already has going on in his life. That questioning and doubt might cause him to be more reluctant about resolving the issue with you when he is uncertain as to what he actually wants from you, from the relationship. Also the nature of the argument may have caused him to question and have those doubts if it was a serious argument. How you handle it can also contribute to his reticence to resolve it. For example if he adamantly feels you did something wrong, but you won’t accept any responsibility or accountability then he might feel that working on a solution is just a waste of time because maybe he feels you both don’t even agree on what the problem actually is or who is at fault.

To be clear I have no idea what the argument was about and as not saying you’re at fault. I am just offering perspective as to thoughts that might be going through his mind and how he might be thinking and considering the issues right now.

If you want to move past this, look first to your own attitude and behaviour. What do you communicate to him during this time? Is it a willingness to listen? Is it self-pity? Is it blame and conflict oriented frustration? Impatience? Accusations? When we want peace, we do not begin by expressing aggression. When we want understanding, we do not begin by attacking and blaming. The outcomes we desire should guide our behaviour and attitude. If you want connection and love in your relationship, then your behaviour should reflect that ALWAYS. And even more so when there is tension and distance; that is when you need to make MORE efforts to nurture trust, intimacy and positive regard.

Hope this was helpful to you in some way! Wishing you both all the best.

CastInTheCradle

Thank you for staying your perspective this way! I find your viewpoints very helpful and insightful!

Honestly speaking, if he cared about what u r going through he would have responded or tried to communicate, but he didn't. That suggests a toxic relationship. If u r bothered deeply about it and it is affecting ur day to day mental health, its better if u talk to him clearly and let him know that this is not something u r comfortable with, and depending on his response u should prepare for whats coming.

Also it's never worth it to lose ur mental stability for any relationship. As he is thinking for himself rn, u should think for urself too.

This happened with me, so I can tell what's going on.

@Mikanicolay

I definitely think it's normal that your boyfriend wants space after an argument because some people need that extra time by themselves to reflect and recharge. I can understand how it might make you feel uneasy, not knowing or fully understanding why he needs so much space. I think it's incredibly mindful of you to notice that he's been experiencing some stress outside of the relationship. So him needing space might not actually be about your relationship or the argument you had.

Do you think asking your boyfriend if there's anything he wants to talk about (whether it's about you guys or outside stresses) would be a good thing, or how do you think that would affect your relationship?

I'm wishing you both the best, I hope you can reconnect and find a way to resolve this long-term.

@Mikanicolay

Hey, its okay to feel stressed after an argument. Every person functions differently. Some people like to talk it out and respond. While others like to think through before they respond. He might be the one that is more reserved , think out through what he is feeling about and then respond. So this saves your relationship and does not sabotage it. Give him some time, I am sure he will come around.

@Mikanicolay hi there..well I wouldn't say it's normal or not, should be based on the individual, and you know him better, in the sense that you'd definitely feel it ,if this is not right or it is, but mostly communication is key in every relationship and respecting each other's feelings and sometimes Compromise for the better,if he (your boyfriend) is asking for a week..just see where it goes 

@Mikanicolay @Mikanicolay Hi I am Ellen G and I hope you are doing okay. I am a person who is reserved when they are stressed especially if there was a huge argument. Sometimes giving space can be the best thing for a person and showing level of compassion.  I would tell your partner that you are open to communication and that when they are ready you can be too. That way there is space, communication and a sense of compassion between the both of you. Hope everything gets better and I hope the best and better for both of you. :))) 💗

Yes it's normal, sometimes space can really be helpful that you both can think wisely and avoid new arguments.

@Mikanicolay yes this is normal. I usually encourage couples to give at least a week window to sort things out. I also realize that your boyfriend is dealing with other issues outside the relationship so it is necessary to give him time while also opening up the floor for communication at certain intervals.

@Mikanicolay hi there. thank you for sharing this with the community!

@Mikanicolay I don't think that anyone can answer this without knowing the proper contexts. Listening to such advises maybe harmful for you . Only you know what the entire situation is , so do what you think is right.  Try to write down your thoughts it will help you understand yourself better 

@Mikanicolay

As it can feel like your doing something wrong your not doing anything wrong. 

It can be hard when there is someone that you love and care for not to be there anymore. 

What stresses are going on outside of his life and can you help him through those while also working on your relationship. 

I hope all goes well and good luck. 

@Mikanicolay

Hii! People have different ways of coping with stress and conflict. Needing space after an argument can be a way for your boyfriend to process his emotions and thoughts. It's not uncommon for individuals to seek time alone to reflect, especially when dealing with external stressors. Communication is key, so consider discussing your feelings and concerns with him when he's ready to talk. Understanding each other's needs can help strengthen the relationship.

@Mikanicolay

Absolutely. Giving space to the other person after the argument helps in processing what went wrong and ultimately helps in building a stronger bond and understanding of each other.

In case of stress outside the relationship, getting support and care from the partner helps in a better understanding of your feelings.

@Mikanicolay

It depends with the argument in question. People handle conflict differently if the issue is severe and they just need to recollect their thoughts they may ask for a break. There are those who won't find it a big deal and will be patient to wait till they come through especially since you have stated he has been going through stress out of the relationship. May not even be the argument but just factors surrounding the outside stress. Its Okay to be patient and wait when he comes through then you can have a conversation on way forward and how to handle disagreements. 

@Mikanicolay

Hey, thanks for sharing this with us.  I understand how arguments can affect a relationship and sometimes its completely normal and valid to take some time off and work on yourself for a while, and to sort things out. In fact,  this is what makes a relationship healthy. But of course it depends on the context, but every relationship has its ups and downs and i feel both the partiea should work towards sorting the issues, even if it means to have some time off. 

Alrighty that's all,  hope it helps. 

I can't live with that

@Mikanicolay If he‘s been going through stress outside of the relationship as well, he might be feeling overwhelmed with everything. A common response to that feeling is to withdraw, and take some time to process things. 

@Mikanicolay 

Having space and being distant is indeed a tricky topic in a relationship. This is something that both of you can figure out by sitting down and figuring out a solution. Have you checked out the self help guide available in 7 cups website?

@Mikanicolay I think it’s normal for him to want some space, and it may have to do with the external stress you’ve mentioned. Perhaps he just needs some time.

@Mikanicolay

At times, certain individuals or people may require a bit of distance and time to process information, emotions, and events. The length of this period is certainly not uniform and may vary for each person.

I sense your frustration with your partner's tendency to withdraw or create distance following an argument. It can certainly add stress to the situation for you. Have you considered why he might need space? Is it to calm down and collect his thoughts? Does he tend to engage in introspection, or does he prefer to verbalize his thoughts?

It's understandable that you might wonder about his motivations and how he typically approaches conflict resolution. Does he use the time apart to self-reflect and gain clarity, or does he need space to cool down before discussing things further?And when you both do eventually come back together to resume conversation, how do you find things typically unfold?

@Mikanicolay

How does he usually respond after an argument? Does he cave in into his own space or talk it out? If he does require space, how long does it normally last? 

As the relationship involves you two and you know the dynamics better, it would be best if any clarification on why the space and for how long it will be could be dealt between you and him, ask him. He has the answer and therein you'll find your answer and peace too.