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Hi everyone,
I'm turning 33 tomorrow and wanted to share a bit about my journey. I had loving parents but a hard and lonely life. The few boyfreinds I had in the past didnt value me and would cheat or perfer their ex. After being single for 9 years, I started dating my current boyfriend, who is 25 years older than me and has been married and divorced twice. He had difficult relationships before me. I guesss he brings in some bad habits from this.
Our relationship had a rocky start. When we began dating, he was in a long-distance relationship with a woman from Thailand. He struggled as he loved us both and wanted her to move in with us. He supported her financially and gave her gifts, would text a few times daily.. which hurt my self-esteem. Despite my concerns, he was harsh and dismissive towards me. I tried to be supportive by making space for her in our home and attempting to befriend her. However, she eventually stole his money, found a boyfriend from another country, and cut off contact.
Since then, our relationship has improved. He treats me better and shows love, but I am still hurting. The foundation of our relationship is shaky, making it hard for me to build something good. He used to be unsupportive of my hobbies and interests, and he didn't take the time to understand me. For the first year and a half, he didn't want my family around, causing me to celebrate holidays with my parents on different days. He often dismissed my feelings, labeling me as depressed, an overthinker, and emotional.
I handled the situation with his ex well and stayed strong despite the challenges. Two of his adult kids didn't like me and tried to break us up. I encouraged him to spend time alone with his kids, but even that led to fights, with him accusing me of being controlling by suggesting and making space for him to be with his kids. My efforts to show love and care, like making handmade cards, were often met with accusations of manipulation, even though he knew it is something I do for my loved ones & I am a creative person.
I feel worn out, tired, and confused. Although he has made significant improvements, I struggle with trust and find myself getting angry, which is new for me. He is quick to judge, talk, and provide answers, but rarely listens to me, making me feel lonely and stuck. I got serious IBS & often sick from stress.
Last night was particularly hard. His son got involved in my private life, calling me ungrateful and accusing me of treating his dad poorly because he noticed my frustration when I wasn't understood about my need for my own office space for hopfully getting a remote job. I was feeling stressed from yet another interview and other things in my personal life. Despite everything I've done, including handling many of his sons chores, I feel unappreciated and ganged up on. I never involve my family in our relationship issues, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the situation.
I thought I was pregnant last year. my boyfriend was pushing for termination as he has 4 adult children and financial stress. As much as I understand his stress and concerns. I was left feeling me and my baby would be unwanted. Personally I didnt want to terminate the pregnancy. he has changed his mind and assures me that If I get pregnant he would be okay..
He reasures me often and I see he really does put in effort. He admits what he has done & understands why I feel hurt. He doesnt always realise that he can come across as impatient, his personality type is looking for improvements and solutions which can come across as harsh, need for perfection, etc.. He also hates emotion, I know woman can use tears to manipulate but crying is our bodies way of releasing. He puts up walls & cuts me off before giving me a change to show That I am open minded, etc.
How do I heal? how do I move forward and trust again? How do I calm down my anger? as I am getting angry & asuming he is just going to carry on doing what he did before.. How do I improve the relationship? How do I improve my own responses? How do I let go of the past hurt? as now I am starting to hurt him..
It is concerning me that yesterday when I needed support for a job interview, when I needed to feel heard and understood, it turned into a fight. I am normally not a person to express anger but I am getting really angry.. I am concerned about my anger as well as that I am getting panic attacks and bad IBS...
I was crying out for an office space of my own. This way I can decorate in a way that makes me feel relaxed. A space I can sort out my thoughts and meditate. A space for Privacy. I asked to have time to do my hobbies instead of cleaning up after everyone... This is what I need for myself to fill my cup again...
sorry for the long rant
Thank you for listening.