Day's One Line A Day

I am doing ok. Feel lonely on the weekends. no one around. hiking tomorrow. complicated plans with emily and sarah. Would it be weird for them both to be here at the same time? Seems complicated a lot. just mostly feel lonely a lot and bored a little.

I feel really depressed right now. Overwhelmed by everything being a mess and no support trash family friends are distant and wont show up. I am so lonely and depressed and just want to do nothing I have people so much. where are humans so stupid and bad at listening and empathy I just hate humanity f my mother and father and brother they suck so much . I'm tired of not having any help with anything and being responsible for a mountain of responsibilities with no help or anyone I can truly count on

Feeling like I have difficulty taking up space due to avoidance issues and I need to do some desensitization so I can still be present and not shrink when someone responds defensively or even yells. It was hard even to try to stand up to roommates to clean dishes or be quieter at certain hours, let alone standing up to offensive comments. I am eager to talk to my counselor about it but that will have to wait all the way until Tuesday now because she was sick this week.

Talked to the dance teacher today. I am proud of myself even for showing up and facing my avoidance around going there which was really hard in and of myself. I had a lot of trouble with feeling cold in the heavy A/C shop which made me struggle to be talkative cuz I was so focused on the pain of being cold. Would like to try to bring a warmer sweater to going out in the future. It was really hard but did my best to make a few points. She was resistant but seemed open to a small compromise of having casual dances sometimes where I could learn to dance lead.

I am frustrated with feeling very behind on small animal med. Trying to watch a little bit of lectures even 1 hr each day to try to keep up a little. I can only do my best.

Feel really frustrated and anxious with my counselor because we didn't work on roleplaying today like we said we would. I guess she forgot. I am anxious because I am afraid of not getting up the courage to ask her. Also, sometimes she is mellow and I feel like I match her energy instead of being outgoing when I want to which reminds me of my family where they say things like "it's just quiet around here" or something and it pisses me off because they are so passive and it just sucks the energy out of me because of how bland and passive they are.

Struggling with motivation to study today. still feeling really depressed and struggling with my sleep. Opened letter from mom and felt angry again. She just focuses on gifts and money and doesn't listen. All I want is an apology, accountability, for her to understand how much she hurt me and how much I am struggling because of her behavior but she just dismissed me to try to uphold an image of look everything is fine I'm a good mom I got you gifts regardless of how I feel.

Feeling really depressed today. I am wondering if I should try paying someone to help me again but I am afraid of how this would work with the landlord situation and everything as usually there are not people over a lot. Maybe could just start with having the friend shruti over. maybe I can ask how she feels about helping each other sometimes like helping with decluttering or changing a tire, etc

Finding difficulty navigating lots of connections online with not having much time to actually meet up with them. Please I also really need help. But also now my room is clean so I guess I am ok. Maybe it could be asking to talk on the phone or facetime instead of text. Expressing that I am feeling overwhelmed but would like some people to connect with for quick phone calls when I have to study a lot or to either come over or go out on a Friday or Saturday night.

Worried about my cat. Wonder if it is his teeth. I ran out of dental chews and have avoided buying more cuz I'm so busy with exams. Tried to brush his teeth twice but i think maybe its bad if his teeth are hurting idk. Glad I moved up his appointment til wednday.

Also I don't know what to do with dating/relationships. Talking to this guy but I am worried he will push for a serious relationship but also I kind of like him so dont want to miss the chance? Do I want to try hooking up with people / do I feel safe. Definitely spending more time with friends and inviting more friends over

Worried about Archie. Glad I got him some meds but I am really worried about his teeth. I asked them to check on his teeth and they didn't say if they did or not. I am afraid of being too much or being too pushy or needy. Maybe when they call about the bloodwork I could ask about his teeth and see? Or I could call and ask. Maybe give it time and see if dental chews and gel and antibiotics help. If it is not too bad maybe that tooth can still improve? It's ok to advocate for myself and ask a question. They are there to help. Maybe give it time and try to ask with the blood work/follow up, especially if not improving with the doxy. If it is an infected tooth, maybe antibiotics will help anyway?

also anxious to ask John about letter. what would I say "hey I know you are probably very busy with loon duties; I just wanted to send a quick reminder about the letter, since I am having the lottery to find out my schedule for my clinical rotations in mid-November.

I deserve to ask for what I need. My needs matter. I worked hard for him for not much money and I deserve to have a reference.

Feeling frustrated that I wasn't more productive today. Was tired and had low motivation and kept getting distracted. I seem to be getting addicted to dating apps because I feel lonely and it feels so easy to connect to all these people that seem appealing but then I get overwhelmed when I don't have the time to keep up with them and I am doing my best to set boundaries and say no to people but I have trouble with dealign with angry responses or lack of respect for boundaries cuz it is really scary.

I also really need to send reminder to John but also am afraid of his reaction, afraid he will judge me or be annoyed or hurt me.

I also am frustrated a bit with Melissa, but I don't know how to bring up my feelings. She never checks in with me or asks  how am I feeling about therapy.

I don't know what to do with all the people

Also got contacted by Daniela, but afraid it will stress me out with the time and I will be scared to say no because of being scared of how she will react. Would like to practice saying no more in therapy and being vulnerable/asking and expressing what I need.

To Brendan, I just want to be upfront that I don't feel comfortable jumping into something serious right away. I haven't dated in a while and I'm just trying to put myself out there a little bit to meet people.

I feel so lonely and tired and depressed today. I can't focus on school catching up. I feel really down that B cancelled our date. I understand it, it just sucks. I thought we would kind of slowly date and maybe be a light bf/gf while I am in school, like maybe be dating but not too serious. Getting rejected is really hard and letting go of something that was positive is really hard. There is a different person Gus. I messaged him but he hasn't responded yet. Maybe I can give him my number or ask to get a drink this weekend or next.

I am struggling so hard to focus and catch up on small animal lectures. I get distracted by how lonely I am and take long naps and I'm so tired of going it alone. I just want someone to take care of me a little bit, be there for me and I don't know how to even ask or how to make that happen and I feel scared of asking because people will just see how depressed I am and not want to connect. So I am trying to connect over hobbies and stuff but I feel like people run away from me and don't help me or take care of me and I don't know how to let people in and feel even if I did they just wouldn't help me so it feels easier to do everything myself than be vulnerable and get hurt so much emotionally just to have that person be unreliable, passive and unable to be there for me.

Really struggling to focus. cat is driving me crazy he is so picky with food and won't leave me alone.

I am so irritated and lonely and it's so dark and I hate everyone

I am so frustrated and angry I had plans with three people this weekend and none of them came through. one had covid, so thats understandable. one was guy looking for different things which is ok but upseting and last was woman as friend who didn't even say I can't make it and hasn't responded. I am so depressed. I have no support system and I keep trying so hard, initiating plans with people and they just flake?? how am I supposed to stop being lonely if people are so flakey and never come through or initiate?? why are people like this and will she even apologize?? i'm so *** angry

I am doing okay today. Felt like I was able to be a little more vulnerable in therapy and almost cried a little. Having trouble focusing on small animal today. Doing 10 minute timers trying to go through first half more. Archie is getting on my nerves lately. Won't eat his food, very picky. I am very anxious about externships and planning them out so I can make a good impression and match with a good option after school. I don't like the scheduling system. It's so stressful

Hi Mom,

Yes, I can show up and catch up briefly, but not for too long (over 30+ minutes) as I have work to do and I still feel anxious connecting with the two of you

I feel afraid that she will be mad and if I express negative feelings or disagreements in the past she would yell or intimidate me to dismiss my feelings and get her way, so maybe I need to learn to express my feelings and lean into the situation knowing she will react how she will react.

How do I tell him to go away? Thanks for checking in. It was really nice. I hope you are doing well, but can you please message me less frequently? Like maybe only every 3 days or so? I'm interested but receiving messages so frequently is very stressful and overwhelming because I don't know you that well and don't want to feel like I have to commit so much of my time to someone I barely know. I need more time to myself.

I am really anxious about how he will respond. Very scary and triggering for someone to not respect my boundaries after dealing with parents and also counselors who don't respect boundaries. Mom coming into my room and screaming. Dad pounding on the bathroom door and screaming at me all because I didn't help enough with moving. Remind me myself not everyone is your parents. There are nicer people in this world who do have some empathy. We will see how he responds. he has a history degree but works at a restaurant. does he have some long term goals? Is he passionate about other things? Does he have his own life, hobbies, interests? It's not my job to rescue him, bolster his self esteem. I need to do what is best for me. I wanted to connect with some nice new people but my career always comes first. I don't even know this person at all.

We just have to wait and see. Maybe he could respond positively like he just likes me and is excited.

I hate my mother. I have to deal with talking to them today. Ignored my feelings. I don't know how to deal with these people. Maybe I should send a stronger message next time. For now, I just really want you to acknowledge my feelings, try to put yourself in my shoes instead of dismissing the hurt you have caused me.

I can't imagine having a huge fight in front of my children and viewing it as not a big deal. It was incredibly scary and hurtful. I deserved to have a good christmas and your refusal to deal with these issues and go to couples counseling hurt your children and created a tense and stressful environment for me and my brothers which we did not deserve. A good parent should be able to empathize with kids and learn how to reduce conflict so that you create a positive environment. It's your job to take responsibility for doing that. I shouldn't be put in the position of acting as couples counselor to my own parents who refuse to take responsibility for working on themselves and reducing those conflicts.

I didn't get good night sleep and tried to nap but I think I might have a cold. Then lady didn't come and flaked and I'm really upset. I could have gone to starbucks. Only got through about two lectures so far but I am going to keep trying. I don't know if I can go to dance tomorrow. Need to prepare for interview

Feeling a little frustrated with phone interview and being sick, because I had trouble with my voice but I did the best, I could to ask questions and answer questions. Felt like I was sometimes awkward and could have been more outgoing but I had a hard time over the phone while sick. I did the best I could and I am human. I still have a lot to offer them

Found out Archie's cancer may be back. I cried so much. Also I'm sick and behind on finals studying but I'm trying my best. Will try to start making charts tomorrow at least a little bit. I feel miserable.

Plus financial things with ssdi like why are they torturing me when they are supposed to help me??

Will need to call them to reschedule again

Also I can't go out and see anyone because of how sick I am and I'm worried about this man whether it is a red flag or no

I am really anxious about my kitty. Have to focus on finals this week. Hope he can hold on for a bit. I am afraid he is getting worse. Also want my friend to have a chance to visit.

Maybe I should do earlier next week like Monday or Tuesday as he is getting worse

I put my account in for laps of love.

At least he is eating, which is a good sign hopefully that he will hold on for now. I am very worried about the breathing getting worse

What I want to say:

I appreciate your support with my cat and I know you are doing your best to be there for me, however, I feel the need to express that I have felt like I have to bottle my feelings about connecting with you and how stressful that is for me. While I appreciate the support and gifts, I still have a lot of deep feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and resentment. I am not trying to make you feel bad about yourself, but I really just need you to at the very least acknowledge my feelings and experience . I really need you to try to empathize, put yourself in my shoes and think about how scary and hurtful it is for a child to be a target of a parent yelling at them and criticizing them or to be caught between two parents having aggressive fights. While I can understand you were stressed and having a hard time, how you acted was not okay and has hurt me and impacted me deeply. Particularly the situation when I lost my job and stayed at the house in Acton was very scary and upsetting for me at a time I was really struggling and needed support getting on my feet, and it had a deep impact on me. Again, the main thing I need is just for you to take this seriously and not be defensive. I know you are human and did your best, but at the same time, I need you to take real accountability. I also really need you to respect my boundaries and not force me to connect when I don't want to. You may not get the picture perfect mother-daughter relationship you want, but I would rather you actually focus on having an honest one that acknowledges the reality and my feelings.

I am seeing a different counselor now, and if you would like to talk further about this, you are welcome to come to a zoom session with me and her.

Hi Mom, thank you for sending the flowers. They are really nice. However, while I appreciate you support, I still have mixed feelings about my relationship with the two of you and receiving big gifts makes me feel guilt-tripped to connect with you more in ways I'm not comfortable. While I appreciate it, please don't send me any further gifts or messages. While I appreciate you trying to support me, I still feel very angry and hurt about how I was treated in the past, and have mixed feelings about being given gifts like this. I know you like giving gifts, but what I really need from you is for you to acknowledge my feelings of hurt and pain and just to try to put yourself in my shoes and to try to empathize with how I am feeling.

I don't want to connect further right now. Archie is doing better at home right now. I know you like giving gifts, but it's not what I need. What I need for you is for you to try to be understanding of my feelings I don't want to connect further right now

@Daydreamer47 I feel like she may respond taking it personally or snap cuz how could I say something negative about a nice gesture, but I didn't ask for that. You didn't ask what I actually needed, same with the care thing over the summer. I wasn't upset with Aunt Linda, I was upset with YOU for pushing a gift on me I diddn't want after I had just set a boundary about connecting with you, and instead of respecting that, you tried to push a gift on me despite me saying that I don't want to connect and still feel hurt.

It is scary, and I also I tend to feel overemotional, but they are my parents, they're supposed to show care when they're child is upset. It is so scary because their anger scares me so much, but I did the right thing trying to take up space and leaning into that even if it was messy and my mind keeps telling me I did something wrong or I was mean because she tried to do something nice. I told her that I know she tried to do something nice, but I also have explicitly said that I have mixed feelings about receiving gifts.

I hate her I hate her I hate her I hare her Ihate her I hate her I hate her

Maybe I overreacted slightly but the feelings that I said are real and valid. I did thank her several times but it's really not what I needed to have a grand gesture from someone who has hurt me and keeps being defensive around that. I did tell her before I have mixed feelings about gifts and she ignored that and kept sending me gifts because it's what she wants and likes even when I told her it doesn't make me happy.

I don't know what to do with that message. I really don't like gifts but you continue to send them. It just makes me so unhappy. I don't know how to approach that conversation. Am I allowed to say no? I don't want a closer relationship. The gifts just don't make me happy and I just feel resentful of them at this point.

Honestly, I think I just don't want to connect. I just feel very done. I am tired of all of this. Tired of having to put on a fake smile for people I feel so much rage and resentment towards, who screwed up my life, my career and my relationships. I just want to focus on having time to myself.

I'm sorry, but I am just really upset right now, and I don't think I want to connect until my counselor is there with me. It is really painful for me to have to act like everything is fine and open presents while bottling my deep feelings of anger, hurt, and resentment and I am tired of just pleasing you when I am internally really unhappy being there.

We usually have appointments on Tuesday mornings at 10am. The week of the 15th is my spay surgery week, so it is not a good time to connect, but if you can meet on zoom on another Tuesday in January at 10, let me know and I will coordinate with her.

@Daydreamer47 I am sorry, but I am too upset right now and I don't want to connect until my counselor can be there and I can express how I feel openly. It is really painful and exhausting for me to act like everything is fine and open presents while being internally so deeply unhappy to be there. I am tired of bottling that I am really unhappy just to please you and keep up appearances. I just don't think I can do it anymore. I usually have counseling appointments on Tuesday mornings at 10am on zoom, so if there is a Tuesday in January you are free. The week of the 15th is unfortunately my spay week so it is not a good time but any other Tuesday in January you can come on the zoom and I will coordinate with her.

No, I don't think I want to connect again until my counselor can be there with me so I can express how I feel. I am having a really hard time right now and I need to celebrate the holiday in a way of my choosing with mg roomates and friends. It hurts me so much to have to keep up appearances opening presents like everything is fine when I feel deeply unhappy. I just have been hurt be you so deeply and for so long and I don't feel like you have really taken accountability

It's exhausting to keep up pretenses. I just can't do it anymore. I hope so part of you is empathetic enough to try to understand and not have a tantrum like you have in the past when I said no.

No, I don't want to connect on Christmas anymore. I don't want to connect again until my counselor is there in January on zoom so I can express my feelings. It has been so painful and exhausting to bottle my feelings to keep up pretenses to pleass you and I am having a hard time right now and I just can't do it anymore. I have been hurt by you so deeply and for so long and I am tired of pretending like everything is fine just to keep you from yelling at me. You can yell all you want but I need to be true to myself and I deserve to spend Christmas with people who haven't harmed me so much when I am already in so much pain about Archie. I just really deserve to heal and be happy right now even if NO is something hard for you to hear.

Yeah I really like this one. Need to be unapologetic