Day's One Line A Day
Frustrated that I made mistakes on neuro hw. I still got an A on it though. It's ok to make mistakes. Always feel lonely and sad before I go to bed. I went to support group today but it's so hard to share things there sometimes. I try to tell myself I am doing my best to show up and share a little more each time.
I am struggling so hard to focus and catch up on small animal lectures. I get distracted by how lonely I am and take long naps and I'm so tired of going it alone. I just want someone to take care of me a little bit, be there for me and I don't know how to even ask or how to make that happen and I feel scared of asking because people will just see how depressed I am and not want to connect. So I am trying to connect over hobbies and stuff but I feel like people run away from me and don't help me or take care of me and I don't know how to let people in and feel even if I did they just wouldn't help me so it feels easier to do everything myself than be vulnerable and get hurt so much emotionally just to have that person be unreliable, passive and unable to be there for me.
Really struggling to focus. cat is driving me crazy he is so picky with food and won't leave me alone.
I am so irritated and lonely and it's so dark and I hate everyone
I am so frustrated and angry I had plans with three people this weekend and none of them came through. one had covid, so thats understandable. one was guy looking for different things which is ok but upseting and last was woman as friend who didn't even say I can't make it and hasn't responded. I am so depressed. I have no support system and I keep trying so hard, initiating plans with people and they just flake?? how am I supposed to stop being lonely if people are so flakey and never come through or initiate?? why are people like this and will she even apologize?? i'm so *** angry
I am doing okay today. Felt like I was able to be a little more vulnerable in therapy and almost cried a little. Having trouble focusing on small animal today. Doing 10 minute timers trying to go through first half more. Archie is getting on my nerves lately. Won't eat his food, very picky. I am very anxious about externships and planning them out so I can make a good impression and match with a good option after school. I don't like the scheduling system. It's so stressful
Hi Mom,
Yes, I can show up and catch up briefly, but not for too long (over 30+ minutes) as I have work to do and I still feel anxious connecting with the two of you
I feel afraid that she will be mad and if I express negative feelings or disagreements in the past she would yell or intimidate me to dismiss my feelings and get her way, so maybe I need to learn to express my feelings and lean into the situation knowing she will react how she will react.
How do I tell him to go away? Thanks for checking in. It was really nice. I hope you are doing well, but can you please message me less frequently? Like maybe only every 3 days or so? I'm interested but receiving messages so frequently is very stressful and overwhelming because I don't know you that well and don't want to feel like I have to commit so much of my time to someone I barely know. I need more time to myself.
I am really anxious about how he will respond. Very scary and triggering for someone to not respect my boundaries after dealing with parents and also counselors who don't respect boundaries. Mom coming into my room and screaming. Dad pounding on the bathroom door and screaming at me all because I didn't help enough with moving. Remind me myself not everyone is your parents. There are nicer people in this world who do have some empathy. We will see how he responds. he has a history degree but works at a restaurant. does he have some long term goals? Is he passionate about other things? Does he have his own life, hobbies, interests? It's not my job to rescue him, bolster his self esteem. I need to do what is best for me. I wanted to connect with some nice new people but my career always comes first. I don't even know this person at all.
We just have to wait and see. Maybe he could respond positively like he just likes me and is excited.
I hate my mother. I have to deal with talking to them today. Ignored my feelings. I don't know how to deal with these people. Maybe I should send a stronger message next time. For now, I just really want you to acknowledge my feelings, try to put yourself in my shoes instead of dismissing the hurt you have caused me.
I can't imagine having a huge fight in front of my children and viewing it as not a big deal. It was incredibly scary and hurtful. I deserved to have a good christmas and your refusal to deal with these issues and go to couples counseling hurt your children and created a tense and stressful environment for me and my brothers which we did not deserve. A good parent should be able to empathize with kids and learn how to reduce conflict so that you create a positive environment. It's your job to take responsibility for doing that. I shouldn't be put in the position of acting as couples counselor to my own parents who refuse to take responsibility for working on themselves and reducing those conflicts.