Day's One Line A Day
Frustrated that I made mistakes on neuro hw. I still got an A on it though. It's ok to make mistakes. Always feel lonely and sad before I go to bed. I went to support group today but it's so hard to share things there sometimes. I try to tell myself I am doing my best to show up and share a little more each time.
I didn't get good night sleep and tried to nap but I think I might have a cold. Then lady didn't come and flaked and I'm really upset. I could have gone to starbucks. Only got through about two lectures so far but I am going to keep trying. I don't know if I can go to dance tomorrow. Need to prepare for interview
Feeling a little frustrated with phone interview and being sick, because I had trouble with my voice but I did the best, I could to ask questions and answer questions. Felt like I was sometimes awkward and could have been more outgoing but I had a hard time over the phone while sick. I did the best I could and I am human. I still have a lot to offer them
Found out Archie's cancer may be back. I cried so much. Also I'm sick and behind on finals studying but I'm trying my best. Will try to start making charts tomorrow at least a little bit. I feel miserable.
Plus financial things with ssdi like why are they torturing me when they are supposed to help me??
Will need to call them to reschedule again
Also I can't go out and see anyone because of how sick I am and I'm worried about this man whether it is a red flag or no
I am really anxious about my kitty. Have to focus on finals this week. Hope he can hold on for a bit. I am afraid he is getting worse. Also want my friend to have a chance to visit.
Maybe I should do earlier next week like Monday or Tuesday as he is getting worse
I put my account in for laps of love.
At least he is eating, which is a good sign hopefully that he will hold on for now. I am very worried about the breathing getting worse
What I want to say:
I appreciate your support with my cat and I know you are doing your best to be there for me, however, I feel the need to express that I have felt like I have to bottle my feelings about connecting with you and how stressful that is for me. While I appreciate the support and gifts, I still have a lot of deep feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and resentment. I am not trying to make you feel bad about yourself, but I really just need you to at the very least acknowledge my feelings and experience . I really need you to try to empathize, put yourself in my shoes and think about how scary and hurtful it is for a child to be a target of a parent yelling at them and criticizing them or to be caught between two parents having aggressive fights. While I can understand you were stressed and having a hard time, how you acted was not okay and has hurt me and impacted me deeply. Particularly the situation when I lost my job and stayed at the house in Acton was very scary and upsetting for me at a time I was really struggling and needed support getting on my feet, and it had a deep impact on me. Again, the main thing I need is just for you to take this seriously and not be defensive. I know you are human and did your best, but at the same time, I need you to take real accountability. I also really need you to respect my boundaries and not force me to connect when I don't want to. You may not get the picture perfect mother-daughter relationship you want, but I would rather you actually focus on having an honest one that acknowledges the reality and my feelings.
I am seeing a different counselor now, and if you would like to talk further about this, you are welcome to come to a zoom session with me and her.
Hi Mom, thank you for sending the flowers. They are really nice. However, while I appreciate you support, I still have mixed feelings about my relationship with the two of you and receiving big gifts makes me feel guilt-tripped to connect with you more in ways I'm not comfortable. While I appreciate it, please don't send me any further gifts or messages. While I appreciate you trying to support me, I still feel very angry and hurt about how I was treated in the past, and have mixed feelings about being given gifts like this. I know you like giving gifts, but what I really need from you is for you to acknowledge my feelings of hurt and pain and just to try to put yourself in my shoes and to try to empathize with how I am feeling.
I don't want to connect further right now. Archie is doing better at home right now. I know you like giving gifts, but it's not what I need. What I need for you is for you to try to be understanding of my feelings I don't want to connect further right now
@Daydreamer47 I feel like she may respond taking it personally or snap cuz how could I say something negative about a nice gesture, but I didn't ask for that. You didn't ask what I actually needed, same with the care thing over the summer. I wasn't upset with Aunt Linda, I was upset with YOU for pushing a gift on me I diddn't want after I had just set a boundary about connecting with you, and instead of respecting that, you tried to push a gift on me despite me saying that I don't want to connect and still feel hurt.
It is scary, and I also I tend to feel overemotional, but they are my parents, they're supposed to show care when they're child is upset. It is so scary because their anger scares me so much, but I did the right thing trying to take up space and leaning into that even if it was messy and my mind keeps telling me I did something wrong or I was mean because she tried to do something nice. I told her that I know she tried to do something nice, but I also have explicitly said that I have mixed feelings about receiving gifts.
I hate her I hate her I hate her I hare her Ihate her I hate her I hate her
Maybe I overreacted slightly but the feelings that I said are real and valid. I did thank her several times but it's really not what I needed to have a grand gesture from someone who has hurt me and keeps being defensive around that. I did tell her before I have mixed feelings about gifts and she ignored that and kept sending me gifts because it's what she wants and likes even when I told her it doesn't make me happy.
I don't know what to do with that message. I really don't like gifts but you continue to send them. It just makes me so unhappy. I don't know how to approach that conversation. Am I allowed to say no? I don't want a closer relationship. The gifts just don't make me happy and I just feel resentful of them at this point.