Day's One Line A Day

No, I don't want to Skype on Christmas anymore. I only want to connect again with my counselor on zoom in January so I can express myself openly. I am having a hard time right now and it's too painful to have to pretend like everything is fine on Christmas just to please you. I have been hurt by you so deeply for so long and right now I am also having a hard time because of Archie. I just need to spend the holiday in a way that feels healing to me. Please try to be understanding.

The holidays carry a lot of pressure to act like the family is perfect and that feels so painful for me because I feel deeply hurt angry and resentful still and I am also having a hard time with Archie. I know this will upset you but I need to do what is best for my mental health

Counseling with my mom was tough. She acted like a child and didn't take any accountability. She was super emotional and tried to guilt trip me, saying she's losing her daughter when I tried to explain I want boundaries because it has been unhealthy for me. I feel like I did the best I could and did say no about the white coat thing. I am grateful to my counselor for being there for me.

Date was confusing because he was really cute but a bit of a mess. I am concerned he doesn't have a lot of friends or things to do on his own. I would consider maybe still being friends but I don't know if a relationship is a good idea. I don't know if he can handle something casual with me.

I still miss B so much. My heart reaches out for him and it hurts. I did good with school today. I don't know if it is worth going in tomorrow, although I think I prefer going in. I will try again next week. Trying to get ahead on small animal and reviewing for spay.

Wish I heard back from people about mom on here. It was really hard to deal with. I think I need to tell guy no. It just doesn't seem like a good idea and feels like I would be taking the lead/overfunctioner role and I don't think that is a good idea. I feel scared to tell him no in case he is very upset or has low self esteem or something.

My kitty has passed. I miss him so much. My room and my life really feel like something is missing now. I was so used to him being around. I have so much cat stuff; it's going to take me some time to deal with it. I feel like I am forgetting something because I no longer have to feed him, wash his bowls, change the litter. It is a big change.

I miss my kitty so much. Feel so lonely without him. Should I foster a cat, maybe not rush into it? But also foster can be short term, so maybe could be ok to try. I felt annoyed at K being bossy at the clinic. I tried to express that I was just copying what I saw M do with the dog, but she didn't listen. It is ok to be annoyed at someone. She didn't have to be so bossy about it and could have been a bit nicer.

Running out of time today to study for exam. Repeat it is ok to do my best. I don't have to get perfect grades all the time. I am more than my grades. I can only do my best.

I miss B so much today. It hurts a lot that he just disappeared, to not even be friends. I've been through a lot and wish we could just talk on the phone as friends for support. I also haven't gone to improv so long and I miss it. It's so weird that we could be so close and intimate and then he just kind of slammed the door in my face. I feel so lonely. Also have been unable to get practical around the house support at all.

Did I overshare? Did I embarass myself? It's ok to have emotions and share things. You're human. I am anxious about talking to mom and so mych content for this exam and haven't even really started studying much yet. All I can do is a little each day and do my best.

Feeling super lonely. I miss B and A a lot. Having such a hard time being productive. I wish I had B to hold me and wish A was still here to pet and snuggle with. I miss him so much. I don't know what to do with my mom. She did better but was still defensive in a lot of ways and I really don't know if I will every trust her or if she will really improve.

SHould I try to hire someone to help clean? What about changing the ink on computer? Investing? stop avoiding cooking? What about budgeting? Doing my taxes? Cleaning my car more? Declutter/getting rid of things, help with understanding my computer/ipad... Backing up files?

Very difficult final therapy session with my mom. I just feel like I want nothing to do with her ever again, keep things limited, only holidays and emergencies. I will have to not give in to her and stay strong despite guilt tripping. She did not take accountability, showed criticism and blaming me a lot again, flipped everything on me that I was shutting her out, doesn't understand the concept of boundaries and can't respect that. Very selfish and focused on getting her way or the highway. I just need as much distance from her as possible and will not be her friend.

What to bring up with my dad.

1. The need for him to go to therapy, issues from his childhood

2. Memory with my brother

3. Spanking, fear and punishment based parenting. How that affected me and perpetuated anxiety and lack of self confidence. Dismissing my emotions and wellbeing.

Sitting with what she said.

Not acknowledgin that she contributed to me going to the hospital and made me feel unsafe.

Judgement/criticism instead of understanding that I was having a hard time and was struggling to function well

Demanding that I open up to her and give her a lot of attention despite just beign mean and critical and mistreating me

Thinking that she was supposed to know a lot about mental health instead of lack of basic empathy/compassion/moral code. Justifying abusive behavior and really just not seeing a problem with it, thinking this is an acceptable way to treat other people when you are stressed instead of a cruel and mean overreaction to someone being human.

Yeah I just want her out the f of my life. I said I would send updates, but why at all should I give this awful person the time of day at all. She is fully focused on herself only, cannot show compassion or empathy. I just don't see what I would gain from it at all. I have other people to connect with who are more fun, have more shared values and more empathy.

As much as I feel angry, I am still so so scared of her and her influence. How do I stop being scared of her? I have worked really hard to stand up to her and face my fears even to show up and I did really well. It will take time to overcome long patterns and I am taking the first shaky steps and that is ok. It will get better.

Still reeling/triggered from counseling with my mom where I tried to bring up my most traumatic memory with my parents and how scary and hurtful it was. She just flipped everything on it's head and just that well I was the crazy depressed one and it couldn't possibly be that her behavior contributed to me feeling that way. She then criticized and insulted me for not wanting to talk and spend time with them after such a traumatic incident that put me in the hospital. She criticized me and implied I was not responsible for the things I was struggling to do because of being depressed. It just all really messed with my head for her to flip everything around and just go after me and deny everything and deny her behavior. I know my own experience and feelings are valid and she is emotionally immature but I am ruminating and dealing with the mental manipulation of her flipping me whole experience around and denying and dismissing my whole reality so much. I've been upset for two days and haven't been sleeping much and gotten behind when I have finals in two weeks.

I think I have to come to terms with how awful and abusive my mom really is and grieve her even though she is still here. When I spend time away from her I feel like maybe she will listen this time, surely she cares about me at some level, but that last session she really showed an extreme level of self-centeredness, like a 5% ability to show empathy at all for me and 95% focused on her getting attention and being right. It is just hard to accept, this is really the cards I was dealt, this messed up nasty person, this is the person I've tried to turn to for love and acceptance and she really is just that awful. It's honestly amazing that I am able to function at all and be in graduate school with the massive amount of abuse and selfishness that is there. I really survived this person.

I'm tired lonely, can;t focus. I feel like I'm going to flunk from how little I can function. Going to try to go to the gym tomorrow and trader joe's. need to leave the house do something. Try to work on the paper 10 minutes at a time tomorrow.

Felt really triggered the past two days. I think I will go to panera tomorrow maybe and sat and sunday too. And the gym again. I have been really feeling lonely and triggered and ruminating a lot about the situation and doubting myself and her kind of launching an onslaught of criticism at me and taking no responsibility and not respecting or even understanding boundaries, kept saying I shut her out.

I feel so lonely and tired of my life today. I know I didn't take the right path bur now I have to live with it. I miss b so much I can't believe he stopped talking to me indefinitely. I miss him so much

I really regret not telling him about my cat but it was also very personal and I did my best and that's OK. I'm human and it's OK even though now I am frustrated but I can't change it now and I did my best.

I feel so angry. I feel really *** off for being viewed as not logical when berating your child is not a logical response, it is in fact an emotional response. Me knowing how to respond calmly is much more logical. I want to defend myself again because I don't appreciate the implication that I am overly emotional when I am highly educated and logical person, but I value being able to keep my cool and respond in a way that is both calm and kind. Lashing out at your children is not logical. Having huge fights in front of your children is not logical. Yelling at your wife for missing one turn while driving is not logical. In my opinion, you are expressing anger but there are often many emotions underneath that you don't know how to express like being worried. I think by having  a lack of self awareness of your emotions and lacking the ability to communicate that you are upset in a calm way leads to the lashing out behavior. This behavior can happen because your own emotions were not attuned too as a child and perhaps someone taught you that emotions are weak, but this actually leads you to respond in a highly activated way of lashing out because you are not able to communicate that you are frustrated more calmy. All human beings have emotions. If you bottle your emotions can cannot ask for your needs in a more calm way, you are prone to lashing out. I also have extensively researched and studied these issues and honestly believe I have a greater understanding and knowledge of these issues. In my opinion, taking on the role of being a parent includes the responsibility of healing from your childhood and past traumas to show up as a better parent. If you continue to deny those things and insist that things are fine now, you need to understand that it will be difficult for things to improve. As an adult, I get to choose who to connect with and huge priority is how that person responds when I raise concerns and whether the person can be humble enough to actually recognize that they need to work on themselves. I believe I deserve to be heard and to be taken seriously and I want deeper issues to be addressed instead of assuming things are fine now. If there was a pattern of having fights in front of your kids for 30 years, that shows there are deeper issues in your marriage that really need to be addressed; it's not enough to just say we are trying to not say the wrong thing. Again, I have been familiar with counseling and done a lot of research about these types of issues, and maybe for once I would like you to take my expertise on these issues seriously and be open to using counseling to work on yourself. I felt angry that my experiences were denied and flipped. My experience and memory and concerns are just as valid as yours and I feel angry that my experience was dismissed because again I know I am smart, have a good memory, and have done a lot of research about family trauma and I believe I know what I am talking about and deserve to be taken seriously. If you are wondering why I don't want to connect more, I feel like now I have been very clear that I have asked you to go to counseling to address deeper concerns and the causes of behavior patterns that lasted many years and are still a concern for me, and you have refused, so that is the main reason why I will not be connecting with you more and if you want to change that it is on you to make the choice to show me that you take issues in the family seriously.

Dear Dad,

I appreciate you coming to family counseling, but I feel quite frustrated with your responses, so I wanted to write my concerns in a letter so that you can just take that in and not dismiss or deny my experiences. It took me a lot of courage to bring up my concerns about issues in the family with both you and mom. If I am taking the time to do that, I hope you understand that what I brought up are not small issues but big concerns that are part of longer term patterns that have been going on for many years. I believe I am an intelligent person and I have heavily researched many psychology topics including parenting and family trauma and believe I have a level of expertise in this and I felt like I made many valid points that were dismissed. I understand that it is difficult to admit that you may have made mistakes as a parent, but to me in a healthy connection, I should be able to raise my concerns and have that be taken seriously and addressed. If you care about me, I hope that maybe one day you are able to put your pride aside and seek professional help so that you can work on yourself and your patterns that have hurt me. I think it is the responsibility of a parent to heal from issues within their own childhood that cause them to react certain ways. In therapy, I have learned about something called attachment theory, which means the way you were raised affects how you show up in relationships. I am attaching a quiz you can take that will help you understand more about it. I believe you may have something called avoidant attachment.

I understand that you feel like things are better now and you have tried to be more amiable, but I think that longer standing patterns need to be addressed by a professional. A big issue for example has been the relationship with you and mom and having heating fights in front of me and my brother. These issues have been taking place for 20-30 years. I have dated some people and have never had the types of extreme conflicts that I saw growing up. As a child, these fights were very scary and disturbing. Also, I was put into the role of being my parent's couples therapist; for example mom would complain to me about you walking too fast and wanted me to comfort or validate her. That is an extremely unhealthy and inappropriate role for me to play. Even in my own counseling session with her, she complained to me about you again. As an adult, I am extremely fed up with this issue not being taken seriously when professional help is a simple solution. Having heated fights in front of your children for 30 years shows that there are deeper issues. Mom mentioned seeing her parents fight growing up, and I know your parents were divorced. If you do seek professional couples counseling, it will help you to break that pattern and learn how to have a healthier marriage for the sake of your family as a whole. However, if the attitude is still that things are fine now, you can expect to not see much of me. I deserve to be in a positive environment with mature people who exhibit harmful behaviors.

I also think that both you and mom have issues of low tolerance to stress, poor emotional regulation and lashing out at others in times of stress. These issues also have been happening for 20+ years, so again this needs to be addressed at the level of healing from childhood wounds with a professional. I think most likely you grew up in an environment were someone was not attuned to your needs and someone taught you that emotions are weakness but the result of that is to bottle your emotions and then lash out under stress instead of learning how to express your needs in healthier ways. I believe that I have a lot to offer the world and I work hard to contribute and help others. I deserve to receive kindness, comfort, and help in return. It is not okay to yell at me. It is not okay to put me down. I may make mistakes sometimes but everyone is human and it is not okay to lash out at me or put me down. I treat others with kindness when they make mistakes and I deserve the same in return. I feel angry and resentful at the implication that I am less logical than you as I am highly educated and logical and I would not be where I am if I wasn't a highly intelligent and logical person. The implication is deeply insulting to me as somebody who is going to be in the role of a doctor. I actually think I process most situations in a highly logical way and focus on problem solving, but I cannot accept someone criticizing me and yelling at me as okay in the name of "logic". I deserve to be treated better. It is fine to want to help me in practical ways, but yelling or lashing out at your children is not acceptable, and I need to stand up for myself. I believe in comes from your own discomfort with emotions and perhaps being told that emotions are weakness growing up. It is really not ok to put me down. I value being calm and communicating with maturity, and I often feel like I am alone in the family since I have been to counseling and learned communication skills to communicate calmly and maturely. To me, your behavior pattern of lashing out in signs of stress, shows that you actually are very emotional but have difficulty expressing your emotions in a healthy way. I also feel frustrated that I feel like I am also expected to comfort or provide emotional support for members of the family, but when I express my need to be treated better, to not be yelled at or put down, it is dismissed. It is really unfair for me to be expected to provide emotional support and receive mistreatment in return. I need to save that energy for friends who treat me better and are more positive and encouraging to me.

Again, while I know that the two of you love me, I have to ultimately stand up for myself and how I want to be treated. I only want to connect with people who take me seriously and take my concerns seriously. I am not going to just give in to what you want if what I want is different.

Got upset this weekend because of date disappearing on Friday. I thought I had plans and would have gone dancing. Tonight went and nobody there. I guess it is  only on Fridays now. Still upset about my dad and parents overall. To know that I cannot count on them anymore. Maybe I could get help with moving but I would have to tolerate them. I feel super lonely and struggle to feel like I have people I can truly trust. I just don't know. i am anxious about the brunch tomorrow but I hope it will be okay. I feel like I should wear pants because it's cold out. I don't really trust any of these guys. The girls are nice though. I hope they actually follow through and meet with me. Anxious about my avoidance of the externships. Kind of dont know where to start. Do I really want to go to Florida, what do I want to do. what about a 2 week or one week one in January. I just don't understand the whole system. It makes no sense to me.

At lpc. Feeling a lot of feelings. Brought up missing people from the summer, also feeling lonely. The uncertainty about my career and love life is hard to cope with. Will I find a spouse. Am I making a mistake moving too much. Where should I go. What if I do something wrong. But I can only do my best and I'm juggling a lot. Feel lonely at night and wish had a friend or bf to talk to at the end of the day.

Hi, I am confused as to why you think the sessions went well. I felt like I made a big effort to organize counseling sessions. I would only do that if I have some very important concerns and believe there are very important issues that need to be addressed. From the first session, I felt frustrated and upset because, both of you were very defensive and dismissive of my concerns. It seemed that you have a lot of deep insecurities and admitting that you have things to work on as a parent is a huge threat to your self esteem and you had a difficult time hearing my concerns or showing compassion and empathy for me. I felt angry and frustrated at the lack of accountability and lack of ability to understand the impact of your behavior on me. Your behaviors in recent years and throughout my life have deeply harmed my mental health and wellbeing and have made it more difficult to ask for help when there is a history of such hostile and judgmental reactions. The problems I brought up are big issues and areas of dysfunction in the family including the verbal attacks, yelling, conflicts with dad, overbearing behavior and frequent criticism and judgment. It really blew my mind that you were not at all able to consider the impact of marital fights on your children or view this as not okay, when to me this is common sense for someone with basic empathy. It seems that unfortunately you are in a place of struggling to meet your own needs and are often oblivious of other people's needs and feelings and the impact of your behavior on others. This type of dynamic is deeply unhealthy for me as your daughter. As someone who has been in a fair amount of therapy and who has heavily researched mental health topics, I believe these behaviors stem from your childhood trauma where you had many unmet needs and developed unhealthy ways to try to meet your needs. Unfortunately, many parents may have children without healing from their past and may be lonely and unhappy and think the child's job is to help them be less lonely and make them happy. I am sorry you are lonely and grieving and have unmet needs for attention, but I cannot take all of that on. I feel a deep sense of resentment at the expectation that I provide emotional support to or spend more time with people who have harmed my mental wellbeing so significantly and who unfortunately have showed very limited ability to change and to show empathy for how much I am hurting and struggling as a result of your behavior.

The ball is really in your court to take these issues truly seriously and to take responsibility for healing from your childhood with a professional. If you really truly change, things might change between us, but if you continue to be dismissive and just want to sweep things under the rug and pretend like my concerns, feelings, and needs are no big deal, unfortunately I really cannot be happy connecting a lot with someone who views my concerns as no big deal, and at the end of the day my priority is my mental wellbeing and happiness. I may be in contact briefly for some holidays or some emergencies or practical circumstances but only if I cannot find help from someone else, since your help comes with the price of sometimes being criticized or verbally berated and I will choose to ask for help elsewhere with people who treat me with more respect.

I don't intend on changing my mind since I have now had significant mental health support to empower me to stand up for myself, and I can no longer be a submissive people pleasing daughter. I do not wish to discuss this further unless you have made significant progress with a professional.

I am tired and lonely. I don't know how I will move on from him. These guys I don't really feel any emotional investment, they seem the same, bland. I miss my kitty so much. Maybe if I go through the motions try to find some people I will eventually find somebody I like.

Hi,

I know maybe you mean well but I feel like you have missed the point. Our relationship is extremely difficult for me and I just want you to acknowledge that reality, and I feel that by trying to do these gestures or gifts you are just trying to act like everything is fine and you are doing something nice for me, and it feels dismissive of my feelings of anger, hurt and resentment towards the relationship. I feel like I have tried many times to raise my concerns and I made a big effort of arranging family therapy, which I would not have done over some small argument. I did that because in my opinion there have been very large problems in the family that I wanted addressed and I felt that my concerns were still met with dismissal, denial, and defensiveness. Certain things may not be a big deal to you, but they will always be a big deal to me. This includes many issues we have already been discussed like fighting with dad in front of me, having a history of yelling and criticizing me in stressful situations, etc. Those behaviors are a big deal to me and have significant harmed my mental well health and self confidence, and to be honest I am still really struggling in my adult life because of these issues.

It seems that you are unhappy and lonely and really wanting attention from me, but it is ultimately on you to become happier and heal yourself with a professional and other friends/peers who are more appropriate sources of emotional support. It is not appropriate for your daughter to take on a big role of emotional support. Sometimes parents unfortunately have children with the view that a child should make them happy and help the parent be less lonely, but it is a huge burden to place on your child to have the job of making you happy at the expense of their own needs and feelings. My role in life is to put myself first and make myself happy and at the end of the day you are not entitled to a connection with me.

At this point, I am really fed up with trying to push you to change and the ball is really in your court as to whether you really commit to working on things with a professional to heal from your own childhood traumas to make a real change.

I am really struggling with loneliness the past few days. just the struggle to have people who are consistent and the uncertainty about the future plus I think touch deprivation, like I just want to cuddle with someone. I hope maybe this guy this week we can hit it off

I think you unfortunately missed the point of what I was saying. While in other circumstances I do appreciate gifts from friends of mine, I feel frustrated with receiving these gestures from you because it feels like you are saying "look, I am doing something nice for you, I'm a nice mom" to make yourself feel good, but at the same time you have disregarding my feelings and needs and the reality of how I feel about our connection. Your behavior in the past has severely harmed my mental health to the point of my needing to be hospitalized. I have not seen you take accountability and really acknowledge your role in hurting me. I have already expressed that small gifts and gestures is not what I need, because what I do need is real acknowledgment and accountability of how much your behavior harmed me. I have seen you feel upset with not getting more attention or responses from me, but I have not seen you actually show empathy for me or remorse for how much you hurt me and how much I have been struggling in life because of the dysfunction and toxic behavior in the family.

I arranged family counseling sessions because I felt there are very big issues that needed to be addressed. I would not do that over some small argument. Unfortunately, I felt that my concerns were seen as not a big deal and were met with defensiveness and dismissiveness. I had the courage to bring up very scary and traumatic moments in my life, but it seemed you had limited ability to show empathy and started criticizing me instead. I understand that hearing criticism about your parenting feels threatening, but taking on that feedback is exactly what is needed to be a better parent.

While I am not able to diagnose you, I have received counseling for many years and have heavily researched many psychology topics. It seems that you are stuck in the mode of who you were as a young girl living with four sisters where you probably did not receive the attention and attunement you needed, so unfortunately you developed a habit as an adult of using unhealthy ways like control, criticism, and yelling to try to get your needs met and also struggle to empathize with others because you can only focus on your unmet needs. Unfortunately, many parents have children without healing from their own childhood trauma and expect their child, especially me as a daughter, to help you be less lonely and make you happy. This is a huge burden to place on me to make you happy, when I deserve to focus on making myself happy and living life with people who are kind and supportive of me, who do not put me down or yell or criticize me.

The way you responded to me bringing up your fights with my dad was a huge red flag to me. It really made me angry and sad that you had never even considered for 30 years that those fights were scary for your children, when to me that should be common sense for anyone who is considerate of other people. Again this shows your childhood trauma causes you to try to meet your own needs through unhealthy ways that have unfortunately hurt the family. When I was young, I was stuck in the situation, but as an adult I can choose to spend time with healthier people who recognize the importance of healing from their childhoods and developing emotional intelligence.

At this point, it doesn't seem productive to continue arguing back and forth. The ball is really in your court as to whether you take these issues seriously and really work on healing from your childhood traumas with a professional to make real change. At the end of the day, you are not entitled to a connection with me. Trying to get me to connect with you through control is not healthy or fair to me. Unfortunately, when you hurt other people, they may choose to not connect with you as much. I hope that a professional can help you to learn how to meet your needs in healthier ways so that you can both meet your needs and treat other people better. I hope at some point you will have the maturity and differentiation to understand that I am doing better and happier away from you and if you actually care about me being happy you should have the selflessness to understand that me being happier is worth respecting my space.

Well he cancelled. I feel hurt and tired and like I can't trust anyone and the world. Also messaged another guy and Cathy. Feel like I was desperate for the other guy. But I am just human and wanted attention? If it was me I would be understanding. I don't know if guy will work out if he work 5 to 5 every weekend. The only time would be 5 to 9 or Maybe Friday like 6 to 9.

I am annoyed I stayed up later than wanted because roommate was upset about the bathroom and I would have done my workup first but she messed with my rhythm. I am frustrated with my counselor because I want her to validate my emotions.

I don't know where my life is going. Should I stay here with this guy. What about having hook ups and wanting to explore things more, can I do that and feel safe? Just take one step at a time, see what happens. Try to communicate and be honest. If you really develop something, can always compromise, apply to a few closer things, date other people more casually and come back after a year or something. Apply to internship at Angell, consider.

I am feeling lonely today after B avoided seeing me at our mutual friend's party. I really missed him and felt lonely. It also hurt that I tried to take a step to move forward and reconnect as friends but he just ignored me and didn't even respond or say sorry or something. I feel really lonely and anxious. Need to respond to Grace tomorrow and ask Kimberley to hang out. Feeling like I am forgeting things for school and want to try to practice overcoming avoidance tomorrow

I am feeling very frustrated with my counselor. I want to switch but I am scared and don't know if that is even possible with my schedule. I tried to bring up feeling frustrated she didn't respond a lot and how I felt abandoned. She kind of nodded and said oh okay but then changed the subject. Didn't give me any reassurance or explanation. Didn't ask me to talk further about how I felt or what I needed from her. Just dismissed me and changed the subject.