Day's One Line A Day
Frustrated that I made mistakes on neuro hw. I still got an A on it though. It's ok to make mistakes. Always feel lonely and sad before I go to bed. I went to support group today but it's so hard to share things there sometimes. I try to tell myself I am doing my best to show up and share a little more each time.
Feel really frustrated and anxious with my counselor because we didn't work on roleplaying today like we said we would. I guess she forgot. I am anxious because I am afraid of not getting up the courage to ask her. Also, sometimes she is mellow and I feel like I match her energy instead of being outgoing when I want to which reminds me of my family where they say things like "it's just quiet around here" or something and it pisses me off because they are so passive and it just sucks the energy out of me because of how bland and passive they are.
Struggling with motivation to study today. still feeling really depressed and struggling with my sleep. Opened letter from mom and felt angry again. She just focuses on gifts and money and doesn't listen. All I want is an apology, accountability, for her to understand how much she hurt me and how much I am struggling because of her behavior but she just dismissed me to try to uphold an image of look everything is fine I'm a good mom I got you gifts regardless of how I feel.
Feeling really depressed today. I am wondering if I should try paying someone to help me again but I am afraid of how this would work with the landlord situation and everything as usually there are not people over a lot. Maybe could just start with having the friend shruti over. maybe I can ask how she feels about helping each other sometimes like helping with decluttering or changing a tire, etc
Finding difficulty navigating lots of connections online with not having much time to actually meet up with them. Please I also really need help. But also now my room is clean so I guess I am ok. Maybe it could be asking to talk on the phone or facetime instead of text. Expressing that I am feeling overwhelmed but would like some people to connect with for quick phone calls when I have to study a lot or to either come over or go out on a Friday or Saturday night.
Worried about my cat. Wonder if it is his teeth. I ran out of dental chews and have avoided buying more cuz I'm so busy with exams. Tried to brush his teeth twice but i think maybe its bad if his teeth are hurting idk. Glad I moved up his appointment til wednday.
Also I don't know what to do with dating/relationships. Talking to this guy but I am worried he will push for a serious relationship but also I kind of like him so dont want to miss the chance? Do I want to try hooking up with people / do I feel safe. Definitely spending more time with friends and inviting more friends over
Worried about Archie. Glad I got him some meds but I am really worried about his teeth. I asked them to check on his teeth and they didn't say if they did or not. I am afraid of being too much or being too pushy or needy. Maybe when they call about the bloodwork I could ask about his teeth and see? Or I could call and ask. Maybe give it time and see if dental chews and gel and antibiotics help. If it is not too bad maybe that tooth can still improve? It's ok to advocate for myself and ask a question. They are there to help. Maybe give it time and try to ask with the blood work/follow up, especially if not improving with the doxy. If it is an infected tooth, maybe antibiotics will help anyway?
also anxious to ask John about letter. what would I say "hey I know you are probably very busy with loon duties; I just wanted to send a quick reminder about the letter, since I am having the lottery to find out my schedule for my clinical rotations in mid-November.
I deserve to ask for what I need. My needs matter. I worked hard for him for not much money and I deserve to have a reference.
Feeling frustrated that I wasn't more productive today. Was tired and had low motivation and kept getting distracted. I seem to be getting addicted to dating apps because I feel lonely and it feels so easy to connect to all these people that seem appealing but then I get overwhelmed when I don't have the time to keep up with them and I am doing my best to set boundaries and say no to people but I have trouble with dealign with angry responses or lack of respect for boundaries cuz it is really scary.
I also really need to send reminder to John but also am afraid of his reaction, afraid he will judge me or be annoyed or hurt me.
I also am frustrated a bit with Melissa, but I don't know how to bring up my feelings. She never checks in with me or asks how am I feeling about therapy.
I don't know what to do with all the people
Also got contacted by Daniela, but afraid it will stress me out with the time and I will be scared to say no because of being scared of how she will react. Would like to practice saying no more in therapy and being vulnerable/asking and expressing what I need.
To Brendan, I just want to be upfront that I don't feel comfortable jumping into something serious right away. I haven't dated in a while and I'm just trying to put myself out there a little bit to meet people.
I feel so lonely and tired and depressed today. I can't focus on school catching up. I feel really down that B cancelled our date. I understand it, it just sucks. I thought we would kind of slowly date and maybe be a light bf/gf while I am in school, like maybe be dating but not too serious. Getting rejected is really hard and letting go of something that was positive is really hard. There is a different person Gus. I messaged him but he hasn't responded yet. Maybe I can give him my number or ask to get a drink this weekend or next.