Day's One Line A Day
Frustrated that I made mistakes on neuro hw. I still got an A on it though. It's ok to make mistakes. Always feel lonely and sad before I go to bed. I went to support group today but it's so hard to share things there sometimes. I try to tell myself I am doing my best to show up and share a little more each time.
I miss B so much today. It hurts a lot that he just disappeared, to not even be friends. I've been through a lot and wish we could just talk on the phone as friends for support. I also haven't gone to improv so long and I miss it. It's so weird that we could be so close and intimate and then he just kind of slammed the door in my face. I feel so lonely. Also have been unable to get practical around the house support at all.
Did I overshare? Did I embarass myself? It's ok to have emotions and share things. You're human. I am anxious about talking to mom and so mych content for this exam and haven't even really started studying much yet. All I can do is a little each day and do my best.
Feeling super lonely. I miss B and A a lot. Having such a hard time being productive. I wish I had B to hold me and wish A was still here to pet and snuggle with. I miss him so much. I don't know what to do with my mom. She did better but was still defensive in a lot of ways and I really don't know if I will every trust her or if she will really improve.
SHould I try to hire someone to help clean? What about changing the ink on computer? Investing? stop avoiding cooking? What about budgeting? Doing my taxes? Cleaning my car more? Declutter/getting rid of things, help with understanding my computer/ipad... Backing up files?
Very difficult final therapy session with my mom. I just feel like I want nothing to do with her ever again, keep things limited, only holidays and emergencies. I will have to not give in to her and stay strong despite guilt tripping. She did not take accountability, showed criticism and blaming me a lot again, flipped everything on me that I was shutting her out, doesn't understand the concept of boundaries and can't respect that. Very selfish and focused on getting her way or the highway. I just need as much distance from her as possible and will not be her friend.
What to bring up with my dad.
1. The need for him to go to therapy, issues from his childhood
2. Memory with my brother
3. Spanking, fear and punishment based parenting. How that affected me and perpetuated anxiety and lack of self confidence. Dismissing my emotions and wellbeing.
Sitting with what she said.
Not acknowledgin that she contributed to me going to the hospital and made me feel unsafe.
Judgement/criticism instead of understanding that I was having a hard time and was struggling to function well
Demanding that I open up to her and give her a lot of attention despite just beign mean and critical and mistreating me
Thinking that she was supposed to know a lot about mental health instead of lack of basic empathy/compassion/moral code. Justifying abusive behavior and really just not seeing a problem with it, thinking this is an acceptable way to treat other people when you are stressed instead of a cruel and mean overreaction to someone being human.
Yeah I just want her out the f of my life. I said I would send updates, but why at all should I give this awful person the time of day at all. She is fully focused on herself only, cannot show compassion or empathy. I just don't see what I would gain from it at all. I have other people to connect with who are more fun, have more shared values and more empathy.
As much as I feel angry, I am still so so scared of her and her influence. How do I stop being scared of her? I have worked really hard to stand up to her and face my fears even to show up and I did really well. It will take time to overcome long patterns and I am taking the first shaky steps and that is ok. It will get better.
Still reeling/triggered from counseling with my mom where I tried to bring up my most traumatic memory with my parents and how scary and hurtful it was. She just flipped everything on it's head and just that well I was the crazy depressed one and it couldn't possibly be that her behavior contributed to me feeling that way. She then criticized and insulted me for not wanting to talk and spend time with them after such a traumatic incident that put me in the hospital. She criticized me and implied I was not responsible for the things I was struggling to do because of being depressed. It just all really messed with my head for her to flip everything around and just go after me and deny everything and deny her behavior. I know my own experience and feelings are valid and she is emotionally immature but I am ruminating and dealing with the mental manipulation of her flipping me whole experience around and denying and dismissing my whole reality so much. I've been upset for two days and haven't been sleeping much and gotten behind when I have finals in two weeks.
I think I have to come to terms with how awful and abusive my mom really is and grieve her even though she is still here. When I spend time away from her I feel like maybe she will listen this time, surely she cares about me at some level, but that last session she really showed an extreme level of self-centeredness, like a 5% ability to show empathy at all for me and 95% focused on her getting attention and being right. It is just hard to accept, this is really the cards I was dealt, this messed up nasty person, this is the person I've tried to turn to for love and acceptance and she really is just that awful. It's honestly amazing that I am able to function at all and be in graduate school with the massive amount of abuse and selfishness that is there. I really survived this person.