Day's One Line A Day

Hi,

I know maybe you mean well but I feel like you have missed the point. Our relationship is extremely difficult for me and I just want you to acknowledge that reality, and I feel that by trying to do these gestures or gifts you are just trying to act like everything is fine and you are doing something nice for me, and it feels dismissive of my feelings of anger, hurt and resentment towards the relationship. I feel like I have tried many times to raise my concerns and I made a big effort of arranging family therapy, which I would not have done over some small argument. I did that because in my opinion there have been very large problems in the family that I wanted addressed and I felt that my concerns were still met with dismissal, denial, and defensiveness. Certain things may not be a big deal to you, but they will always be a big deal to me. This includes many issues we have already been discussed like fighting with dad in front of me, having a history of yelling and criticizing me in stressful situations, etc. Those behaviors are a big deal to me and have significant harmed my mental well health and self confidence, and to be honest I am still really struggling in my adult life because of these issues.

It seems that you are unhappy and lonely and really wanting attention from me, but it is ultimately on you to become happier and heal yourself with a professional and other friends/peers who are more appropriate sources of emotional support. It is not appropriate for your daughter to take on a big role of emotional support. Sometimes parents unfortunately have children with the view that a child should make them happy and help the parent be less lonely, but it is a huge burden to place on your child to have the job of making you happy at the expense of their own needs and feelings. My role in life is to put myself first and make myself happy and at the end of the day you are not entitled to a connection with me.

At this point, I am really fed up with trying to push you to change and the ball is really in your court as to whether you really commit to working on things with a professional to heal from your own childhood traumas to make a real change.

I am really struggling with loneliness the past few days. just the struggle to have people who are consistent and the uncertainty about the future plus I think touch deprivation, like I just want to cuddle with someone. I hope maybe this guy this week we can hit it off

I think you unfortunately missed the point of what I was saying. While in other circumstances I do appreciate gifts from friends of mine, I feel frustrated with receiving these gestures from you because it feels like you are saying "look, I am doing something nice for you, I'm a nice mom" to make yourself feel good, but at the same time you have disregarding my feelings and needs and the reality of how I feel about our connection. Your behavior in the past has severely harmed my mental health to the point of my needing to be hospitalized. I have not seen you take accountability and really acknowledge your role in hurting me. I have already expressed that small gifts and gestures is not what I need, because what I do need is real acknowledgment and accountability of how much your behavior harmed me. I have seen you feel upset with not getting more attention or responses from me, but I have not seen you actually show empathy for me or remorse for how much you hurt me and how much I have been struggling in life because of the dysfunction and toxic behavior in the family.

I arranged family counseling sessions because I felt there are very big issues that needed to be addressed. I would not do that over some small argument. Unfortunately, I felt that my concerns were seen as not a big deal and were met with defensiveness and dismissiveness. I had the courage to bring up very scary and traumatic moments in my life, but it seemed you had limited ability to show empathy and started criticizing me instead. I understand that hearing criticism about your parenting feels threatening, but taking on that feedback is exactly what is needed to be a better parent.

While I am not able to diagnose you, I have received counseling for many years and have heavily researched many psychology topics. It seems that you are stuck in the mode of who you were as a young girl living with four sisters where you probably did not receive the attention and attunement you needed, so unfortunately you developed a habit as an adult of using unhealthy ways like control, criticism, and yelling to try to get your needs met and also struggle to empathize with others because you can only focus on your unmet needs. Unfortunately, many parents have children without healing from their own childhood trauma and expect their child, especially me as a daughter, to help you be less lonely and make you happy. This is a huge burden to place on me to make you happy, when I deserve to focus on making myself happy and living life with people who are kind and supportive of me, who do not put me down or yell or criticize me.

The way you responded to me bringing up your fights with my dad was a huge red flag to me. It really made me angry and sad that you had never even considered for 30 years that those fights were scary for your children, when to me that should be common sense for anyone who is considerate of other people. Again this shows your childhood trauma causes you to try to meet your own needs through unhealthy ways that have unfortunately hurt the family. When I was young, I was stuck in the situation, but as an adult I can choose to spend time with healthier people who recognize the importance of healing from their childhoods and developing emotional intelligence.

At this point, it doesn't seem productive to continue arguing back and forth. The ball is really in your court as to whether you take these issues seriously and really work on healing from your childhood traumas with a professional to make real change. At the end of the day, you are not entitled to a connection with me. Trying to get me to connect with you through control is not healthy or fair to me. Unfortunately, when you hurt other people, they may choose to not connect with you as much. I hope that a professional can help you to learn how to meet your needs in healthier ways so that you can both meet your needs and treat other people better. I hope at some point you will have the maturity and differentiation to understand that I am doing better and happier away from you and if you actually care about me being happy you should have the selflessness to understand that me being happier is worth respecting my space.

I am annoyed I stayed up later than wanted because roommate was upset about the bathroom and I would have done my workup first but she messed with my rhythm. I am frustrated with my counselor because I want her to validate my emotions.

I don't know where my life is going. Should I stay here with this guy. What about having hook ups and wanting to explore things more, can I do that and feel safe? Just take one step at a time, see what happens. Try to communicate and be honest. If you really develop something, can always compromise, apply to a few closer things, date other people more casually and come back after a year or something. Apply to internship at Angell, consider.

I am feeling lonely today after B avoided seeing me at our mutual friend's party. I really missed him and felt lonely. It also hurt that I tried to take a step to move forward and reconnect as friends but he just ignored me and didn't even respond or say sorry or something. I feel really lonely and anxious. Need to respond to Grace tomorrow and ask Kimberley to hang out. Feeling like I am forgeting things for school and want to try to practice overcoming avoidance tomorrow

Letter from my mother was like 80% guilt tripping, how I should forgive her, be patient with her, let things, go give HER attention, give HER joy by her giving me gifts. It was still all about what she wants from me. She tried to apologize but I still dont see her taking responsibility for her actions or respecting what is actually best for ME best for MY NEEDS and MY mental health. It's still guilt tripping me to spend time with her regardless of my needs or how I feel. She still can't be told NO.

I think I need to stick with prioritizing myself and things and people that bring me joy! my well being comes first.

Maybe chocolate chips or banana. Tbh I'm pretty insecure about cooking and sometimes really hate it tbh. I prefer to learn at my own pace privately and often feel judged by other people and have had bad experiences with more experienced people taking over or being patronizing to me. It's frustrating to have the expectation around dating to act like I would make something fancy for you, but I really don't want to for someone I barely know. I hope you can appreciate my other interests and that by prioritizing working 10-12 hour days to save lives I unfortunately have really no mental energy or desire to impress a man with domestic abilities.