Eva’s Crazy Mind

i’ve talked so much today- like- so much- although.. a part of it was tomorrow. which is now today. so.. i talked so much yesterday. but a part of it was today- i talked so much in the past 24 hours. yeah. 

i can hear the early morning birds chirping already- :D should i even go to sleep at all-? ok tbh i probably should lmao. 

@justmeeva get some rest it can't hurt

@Lovingflower2141 

you’re probably right. i will, thank you

the blue of the sky is becoming lighter. hm.

went to sleep a little past 6am. had to wake up at like 7:40. mm.

just imagine living your life not being your absolute worst enemy or wishing to disappear every time you’re around another human being. how.. free.. it must feel. 

tw 

i found something- 

“hangman teaches us that saying the wrong thing could end someone’s life” 

..

things are still getting harder, day by day. still. 

“when was the last time you cried?” 

the answer is always gonna be “yesterday”.

maybe it’s just me, but let’s take a moment to talk about the struggles of struggling as a, say 14 year old. you have to go to school, you have to be around your family, your options and choices are limited, you don’t get a break how ever much you may need it. of course it’s different for everyone, but imagine living on your own, having the option to get away from all people anytime for however long, do basically whatever you want, heal in peace. it’s certainly not everyone’s wish, but it is mine. one that’s just a wish. dumb. unrealistic. just a wish. 

@justmeeva Yes but it would be pretty lonely. And think of how the people around you have perhaps hurt you, yet you still stand up for yourself now. That in itself proves many if not all people around you are making you stronger.

@justmeeva

I wish for that too. I get the whole "it could be lonely/hard" but alone is not always lonepy. When you live alone you can still seek company. When you live, a young teen, with your family, it is difficult to be alone imo

@unassumingEyes 

exactly ❤️

i don’t wanna be here

*** this ***

i had to be in a group with 2 girls, one of them being that kinda mean girl who i’ve mentioned commenting that boy’s outfit and whatever. we’ll just call her M bc i know it’s not gonna be the last time i have to talk about her. basically, when i hadn’t joined them yet, M looked at me and then whispered something about me and they laughed so yk it’s not very hard to guess what (who) they might’ve talked about. then we went to a different room bc we needed to record a podcast for an assignment and basically the first thing they did is tell me to bring my phone, actually just finding an excuse to make me leave for a moment because they wanted to film a *** video. then i finally got back to them and M looked at me multiple times and i could just feel the *** judgemental look she was giving me. anyways. later when the class was starting to end, there’s a possibility she *** filmed me. not entirely sure, she pretended to film herself but idk it was strangely angled at me. it’s not certain but if she *** did- and now i’m in the restroom waiting until the next class starts bc they told me they wanted to talk (threw me out (as if i ever wanted to be with them)) but luckily i won’t have to be with them in that next class. ❤️❤️❤️ (i wanna ___.)

next class is starting bbl. 

tw. 

today, that one certain thing was taking over my mind more than it ever has before. 

possible tw.

here’s what i want to do. i want to have my own place, with no family or people around. just do my *** by myself. no school. no necessary interaction with anyone. i want to say the things i need to say and do the things i need to do. it would be quiet, dark, and lonely, but it’s comforting, so it’s okay. i would do a couple of things for the world, for the ones struggling, so many ideas and thoughts and things i have i could share with the world. and then, i’d leave.

but i’m stuck in this reality. so i don’t know what i’m gonna do. 

7 unfinished assignments. and i don’t even really care to fix them anymore.

guess i’ve really just given up. 

tw.  

my mom seems to have a clear plan for my future. i have one too, but it doesn’t involve a future. 

it’s all just so heavy. 

tw. 

counting days, counting days..

we’ve lost so many people. 

so many..

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry..

if i don’t know how to answer some questions on a worksheet in class, by what logic am i supposed to know them after class

gtg bbl. 

if any teacher comes to me right now i swear i’ll not be able to speak without tearing up. 

oh and of course i did cry already. 

i’m so *** done

literally how has anyone not *** noticed yet

how *** blind do you have to be 

not about cups ppl btw

tw

cant *** wait to leave this ***

tempting.

“cause even if i’m one in a million, there’s still over 8000 others like me you could choose.”

22 days. 22 days and at least 2 chances to say something. but nothing. though i said there’s a chance i might leave. that i wasn’t so okay lately. yet still - nothing. though i was supposedly special to them. nothing.