Eva’s Crazy Mind

@justmeeva and that’s why i trust you ❤️ 

Decisions are hard. If my family knew how many plans ive made in my life, maybe theyd stop saying that i do nothing and let everything go to waste xD. 

more and more, as time goes by, i’ve began to wish i had no emotions at all. by ‘being away’, i often am emotionless, but boy the times i do have emotions..

every emotion equals pain sooner or later anyway. why have them? i’d be much better off without them. 

honestly, i’m kind of trying to avoid meeting new people at all costs. in real life, 100% - i’m staying away from people as absolutely much as i can, and on cups - well.. i try to stick to rather few of them, and don’t rush to find new ones.. at all. the thing is, they’ve all got someone else. they will get tired of me eventually, i’ll sloowly fade away, until i’m all alone, and then it doesn’t matter what i do or what happens to me. nothing will for now, i couldn’t do this to the people i have, i couldn’t hurt them like that, i care way too much about them, but once i’m alone.. it doesn’t really matter.. i can do whatever i want, whatever i need. 

tw? 

i wonder.. if i were.. gone. what would my parents think? would they be mad? would they be sad? what would they do? what would they say about me? how would they describe me? who do they even know me as? they don’t know much about me. they might know some of what i used to be, they know the me i pretend to be, but there’s so much they don’t know. what am i like in their heads? i know they care, my dad does for sure, and my mom.. i think she does too, she just forgets she does sometimes. or she just doesn’t always show it. or there’s something else i just don’t really understand. 

what would my classmates think? or the people i used to be friends with? would they care? would they have any thoughts about it at all? how long would it take for them to forget about it, to forget about me? assuming they cared, i think my classmates would be confused. sure, i was quiet, but i smiled and laughed relatively much, i seemed to be doing great in school, i didn’t seem to have anything wrong with me. they never saw me break in school, not a single tear, but just because they didn’t see it, doesn’t mean it never happened. but let’s be honest, i never belonged there. i was never one of them. they probably wouldn’t even notice i was missing. as for the people i used to call friends, or best friends even? i don’t know. i don’t know what they would think. they all seem to be doing just fine. they all have someone. i don’t. i’m lonely. again. they all left my life, one by one, and here i am now. all alone. it’s funny how strangers from the other side of the world know me better than the people i spend time with every day. it’s funny how strangers from the other side of the world care about me more than my own family. funny. 

i’m scared to leave, that’s why i won’t just yet. i want to, but i won’t. i can’t. i won’t. but one day, i will. one day i will. 

“i don’t hate life, i just hate mine.”

i used to crave for that ‘teenage dream’ more than anything. now.. i’m praying i’ll never get it. 

how can one have so many thoughts, and at the same time, none at all?

thinking about the way i once said to someone that i had been struggling lately, and that was why i had been more distant. i said i’m sorry. “it’s fine” they said. “it’s fine”? well i’m glad.