Eva’s Crazy Mind

i am insane. 

a whole day and a half being like this.. ***.

fear is the only emotion i can feel during those times. 

fears. fears. fears. 

homework shouldn’t seem so overwhelming. it not even thaaat much. yet i still can’t bring myself to start, or even if i do, i give up midway repeating to myself “i can’t i can’t i can’t”. i don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i can’t keep being like this. i *have* to do the work. i can’t leave them unfinished. i *can’t*. what would i say to the teachers? it would just seem like laziness to them anyway. and laziness is no reasonable excuse. but what can i do, if i just.. *can’t*?

i’m like thiss 🤏 close to giving up and leaving them be. but, i know i can’t do that. both of the homework are for tests tomorrow. they’re worth a reasonable amount of the semester’s grade. i’m just stuck with my stupid self. 

@justmeeva

*sends hugs for evabuddybeanie if okie* 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugss*

@LoveMyMoonflowers

how’s it going with schoolwork for you? /nf

@justmeeva

me kinda done for the day lol. :') i got some work done… not all of it, i still have a lot of stuff overdue :') (oof) and due soon… 😭 welp. but i got a good deal of work done and i feel okie. 

thanks buddy 💙 sending lucky beams and more big motivational huggies for the bestest evabuddybeanie 💙 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

proud of you nibuddyy :D 💕 *big big hugs for de one and only nibuddy* 🫂🩷

@justmeeva

thank you friend ^-^ 💙 *huggle wuggles* 

i’m gonna fail absolutely everything 

i have to prepare for two tests tomorrow, one being in geography where i have to remember like 27 rivers or whatever, the other being in english where it’s some future tenses i understand nothing about. not to mention, i have to finish a book by wednesday (i haven’t chosen the book and i have tonight and tomorrow but exclude the tonight because we’re not doing good with the other stuff) i actually can’t do this

still haven’t done ***. not even got myself to start. 

i’m such a failure.

an absolute disappointment. 

my brother is doing the protesting against school again. i’m already half an hour late to school, we haven’t left the house and it’s an at least 30 minute drive. my mom called my dad, but here’s the plot twist, my dad asked if i could be driven to school and my mom said “no” because apparently it’s my fault that he went to sleep late (no idea how me studying in my room disturbs his sleep but whatever) and my dad asked something like “how’s it her fault? isn’t she in her room?” and my mom replied with “oh she basically lives her whole life in that room” uh like sorry about that? that’s on me yeah uh and then she said that i never listen to her, don’t know what she meant by that but yes i take the blame, now she’s on the phone with him again and she’s talking about how i’m such a bad role model for them, i have the worst relationship and communication skills with my mom, oh oh and she said “i have 3 *** in my house” (i believe that’s me and my 2 siblings) so that’s fun, theenn she’s kinda blaming my dad now that we shouldn’t stay up late at his either (they’re not together with my mom but still get along normally yk) lmao and now she’s telling my dad about how she’s trying to be very understanding and supportable about me but as soon as she turns her back i’m “on that phone again” (classical phone blaming lmao).

don’t we just love life?

@justmeeva I am so sorry :0 it sounds like she’s trynna blame anyone but herself. None of that was your fault :0 *hugs if okay*

@justmeeva

*offers huggies* 💙

@unassumingEyes @LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs the both of you* 🩷

@justmeeva

🥺💙

i’m at my dad’s tonight and he talked to me. he told me about how my mom has told him about me going to sleep late, he told me to try to be a good role model, to try to communicate and get along with my mom better etc etc. notice the similarities? yeah, i did too. he’s a good man, my dad. he told me about how he wants things at home to be okay, how he can’t really help that much (talking about my brother) but there’s plenty of things we can do, how he wants things for my mom to be easier. i’m not mad at him at all, i understand, it just bothers me that he’s so quick to believe the things my mom says, although the things my mom says are not at all correct all the time, rather just her point of view. i have a good and healthy relationship with my dad and i don’t want that to be changed. i don’t want him to believe bad stuff about me that my mom has overreacted with. i don’t want him to blame me just because my mom does. i hope he doesn’t believe everything my mom says. 

this makes me wonder, if she “backtalks me” in front of me, has she complained about me behind my back too..? honestly, i wouldn’t be surprised, but still. 

@justmeeva I hope your dad realizes the truth ❤️ *hugs if oki frnd*

man i can’t with those people. when i got to school, they (classmates) were backtalking others again. they commented on people’s clothes, their body types, their interests, the most random things. just let the poor people exist. as a someone who has had and also currently has tons of insecurities and reasons to be made fun of, i know how terrible it feels. can you really not find any other ways to entertain yourselves? right now, one of the girls said to a boy “i like your pants”. it was so obviously fake. it was so obviously sarcasm. i felt terrible for the boy. he kept a smile on his face but i know he knew she didn’t mean it in a good way. why do people do stuff like that? why? 

i hate to see my cups friends suffer. i hate to see them feeling lonely. i hate to see them losing hope. i hate the way they get treated horribly. i hate it how they’re not understood. i hate it how things just seem to be getting worse. i hate it how i want to help every one of them but i can’t because in reality, i’m afraid i’m following that path aswell..

@justmeeva You help just by being there. You help by just saying you’re here, you understand. You help more than you realize, but you help anyways ❤️ and I hope we can help you some too ❤️

@unassumingEyes

*hugs if okay*

🩷🩷🩷

@justmeeva *hugs* (i always hug in my head and forget to type it. Silly me :0)

@unassumingEyes

I saw this earlier but didn’t reply then :') I agree wholeheartedly.🥺💗

the stupid derealisation *** again, just when i need to uh.. *not*.

to be fair i don’t think it ever really leaves me anymore. it’s just, sometimes it’s more, sometimes less. 

all those scenarios and conversations and actions that never became reality. 

i’m gone again..

i- *trying to find words* …

i’m like really, really close to giving up on absolutely everything right now. 

@justmeeva

*sits with you if okay*

@LoveMyMoonflowers

thank you.. 🩷

@justmeeva

*offers hugs* 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs you tight*