in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{I left my house at 7:15 on the first day. I was waiting for my friends (I think I can call her my friend now ;-; I kept waiting for the moment she’d idk hate me or leave or make other friends and replace me but idk) bus but apparently she doesn’t go by bus anymore}

_{and I used to be in a group of 5 (best friends) and we stopped being friends a long time ago but one of them just ran up to me and started talking so excitedly and she hugged me and I was just talking the same way she was} 

_{she used to be in the class I’m in now, 9b. but she just switched this year too. I was thinking like she’d be the only good part if we actually ended up talking or something but the year I switch she switches to my old class. it used to be me, A(her), A, F and J and I was like aw you’re so lucky you’re gonna be with J and A and F and she was like oh well not F and I knew there were like problems I guess F was making her feel left out and then A told all of them about it and F wasn’t taking anything seriously and was sort of rude sometimes :’)} 

_{we saw J in assembly and she kept waving at us and by the time the pe assembly started my friend left early so J started talking to me and she was like (nadia) why did you move and today I talked to A (a different one-) after science because she was in my science set and both of them kept saying that now her and A J (f still hasn’t come back) are the only not popular girls in the class because like 2/3 new girls joined that group and are already just like everyone in it and people moved to that class so now they’re one big group and they won’t stop staring at my friends like "O-O"}

_{oh and I stayed after school with J because her mom was so far away when she called her and she was alone so :’) no one yelled at me in front of the guests or after they left or anything.} 

_{and I had another friend from 9c that also won’t stop talking to me casually}

_{I can’t believe I’m on page 91 :p I always saw those 100+ or even just around 80 page diary threads and even if it’s been around for 2+ years I’d still be shocked because well- 40x100…}

yeah that’s great I lost all the knowledge I’ve ever had

do you add the zeros? that’s 4000 right. or 40,000? I think it’s

*calculator* 

I feel so dumb that was 4000

how do I do so horrible and gets proper marks I don’t even know how I did what I did in English last year I thought my brain was foggy and I was in so much pain and I couldn’t think but like-

land he reads them and assesses them fairly :’) my english teacher was really nice tho and he was really good at helping you understand and actually teaching 

_{theres a new kid that was put next to my friend in the seating plan and everyone’s already picking on him and every time he talks everyone’s like giggling :’) it’s not even an accent it’s just his voice. it’s not weird or anything it’s still- just his voice. :’) but he’s not mainly targeted for that anyway, everyone calls him Leena 2.0} 

_{idk if I can explain why. leena was a girl in this school that left not too many years ago} 

_{she used to hold the knife to my face and threaten me to death pretty often. if I didn’t do things she wanted me to and one time she came on me from the back and held a knife to my throat but} 

_{honestly I don’t know what was going on in my head but I just knew it’s not like she’s gonna kll me and I wasn’t ever scared or her or anything just annoyed sometimes but that was it}

she’d go around like helloo this is my friend she has an eating disorder

she skinny shamed me at such random times and just as an example one time she walked into lead and she came to me and she just went girl youre so skinny youre skinner than my nail but not my nail like this (sgehbss the rest is just idk) (and she was just going into descriptions about how skinny I am )

_{sometimes she’d be staring at nothing with the craziest smile and I’d be like leena what are you doing and she’d say some really creepy things I won’t mention}

_{but I’m not talking about her like she’s a bad person she wasn’t :’) I just got carried away. there was so much to it. but she told me that her bed doesn’t have the thing at the back it’s just a bed and a mattress and stuff but there’s a space behind it so even when she knows there’s nothing there all night she’d be too scared to sleep. she was obese and had a problem with stress eating, her parents literally nickname her the word trash but in arabic. she made a sui.cide joke about herself once before.} 

she’d think about something happening and she’d think it actually happened 

she went to therapy except she wasn’t the one talking to the therapist she would stand outside and her mom would talk about what medicine to get for her like her mom knew her better ( they got her sleeping pills) 

yeah but one day in english someone yelled she has a knife. and everyone surrounded her and I saw her face and I wanted to run because she actually looked like she would’ve done something (but she didn’t) but they were saying things like "bro are you good are you mentally insane bro" and everyone started saying she was mental or mentally ill, she held the knife up at one guy and opened her mouth and :’) I feel like she could’ve had it in her to just. idk. then the teacher walked in and made everyone sit down and another girl raised her hand and said that she had a knife and

yeah long story short she got suspended. got switched to a class where everyone was told to be kind to her, got out into proper therapy and she moved a while after 

_{there are so many rumors about it tho. like that she had a day planned to mrder this one guy (and I did see that plan in her reminders app thing but idk I mean maybe she wanted me to see it) and she did always talk to everyone about mrdering him. but :’) okay well idk if it’s a rumor}

_{but other things are. like she never said "I don’t care if I get kicked out of the school or get sent to prison as long as I make sure they’re de.ad"}

I mean I doubt that it’s true

actually let me think about something that’s definitely not :p

there’re rumors that she actually tried to kll *me* in that english class. I even heard year 13s talking about it like they know my name for being in that story idk who made up 

_{I got sooo distractedd :’) I’m surprised I haven’t been caught} 

_{but yeah now people talk about it like "it’s not that bad we used to have a murderer in our class"}

_{and people are talking about how he looks like he’ll end up like her or he’s the type of guy to or he’s like the male version or we’re reliving leena}

_{he doesn’t even do anything he just reads in breaks and listens in class. he’s really smart too way smarter than a lot of us idk why anyone’s making fun of him, he talked to me and my friend a couple of times because I moved to my friends table most of that day since we were just in lead time for 5 hours.} 

_{idk I want to stop thinking about it. he seems nice tho but really lonely :’) and he looks really really sad sometimes.} 

yeah I should think about something else 

_{12:20am. It’s still so early}

_{everyone keeps smiling at me and I love people smiling at me but then I have to smile back like every couple of minutes} 

_{also. apparently the last 2 weeks I wasn’t in school my friend only came for one day.}

_{I need a third day of the week to decide what I think} 

_{we have pe two times a week now. it used to be three. still wish I could skip to year 10 for the pe :’) I’d just pick the most random things}   

_{I don’t even know but everyone’s so smiley and nice and I mean I smile at them and then they see me and smile and go up to me but- I’ve always smiled at them.} 

^{I don’t even know who’s new and who’s not this class is so random}

^{its hard to explain but everyone here looks so normal and different} 

^{I feel like I’ve seen so little. some of them think I’m new. :’) I’ve always been just- the class next door. I thought everyone knew their year group}

_{back. I love how I was just talking about the most random parts of the 2 days that passed :] everything else is too long tho.} 

_{but anywho.}

this class is a lot more chaotic and weird but I like it better, my friend that moved to my old class hates it. 

_{I’m in the last class of the day :>}

_{I made another friend from my new class. she used to just stare at me all the time so I thought she didn’t like me but she was just lonely because she switched here too :’)} 

_{I was thinking, maybe I should add a tw, so here I am xD there’s a mentioned um..object? that was used for an unaliving attempt. maybe the tw should have a tw what- this isn’t triggering right. and there’s also mentions of unaliving so} TW_🤍

_{the girl came today she had the funniest story about how she managed to not come yesterday} 

and I’ve been laughing all day because honestly with her I always am something funny always happens or one of us says something really funny and then we’re both crying laughing but when I laugh my stomach hurts more and it still hurts all the way till now 

im so confused no but really I come home and then I think about the day and I’m so confused because why am I having good days. and I don’t want to be so happy because I know the girls gonna make new friends and leave so easily and then I’ll relive year 7 year 7 was such a horrible year for me it was the year I just stood there with the knife for so long and well maybe I shouldn’t talk about it :’) 

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed but, I’ve been trying to not talk about the negativest of things😎I think I’m doing great/j

i don’t even remember what I was talking about before 

but yeah it was the first year I actually attempted- I had a full plan to when I was 7 but it was really stupid and how I thought and everything but when I was 10/11 that was when it got really bad year 7 was really really bad.

i went up to third floor, I’m gonna stay for a while but not too long I’m gonna leave at like 3:30 maybe and if not too many teachers are there I’ll take pictures of all the things they built cause it’s also for myself xD 

_{I had food given to me for school today. and I gave it all to my friend. she was really happy xD}

_{I might start going down now because I’m still gonna just go around so}

_{*temporarypoof*}

_{there were so many teachers I couldn’t}

_{i logged on somewhere else because one of our guests is having a call in my room and I put my bag in my room :’)} 

_{I have a presentation I need to get done. for moral ed}

_{I’m so tired. I’ve been sleeping right after school too much and it’s not a good habit I know} 

_{I have a french test tomorrow but it’s only a baseline for the teachers to know where we are as a class :p}

_{i feel so disappointing this year I’m having the same french teacher I had in year 7 and she loved me so much and she was like (nadia) is really good at french normally I think and then she made me read out my answers and I mean they were answered but not as good as I used to be I feel like every time my mind is on something or I learn something or something happens i forget everything else before} 

_{my lead teacher was yelling at me for so long today I just hate her she got the email from the teacher that helped me get to my class so that my lead teacher can help me get on my account}

_{and I told her how IT told me she had the passwords and everything I needed for my account and apps}

_{and she was like yeah and she said that yesterday I told her specifically that the problem was with the internet and that’s why she told me to go down to IT} 

_{but I swear :’) I could swear on everything a billion times it’s how sure I am. I swear I told her I remember I told her my device got reseted so my school accounts aren’t there anymore and I remember she asked me do you know any of the passwords and I said no and she asked why my ipad got reseted and I told her like I got locked out and we couldn’t access it and she was like okay in break go down to IT they’ll help you get your accounts back}

_{couldnt that day went the next they said my lead teacher has all of that I got lost and couldn’t find anyone a teacher found me and emailed my lead teacher literally just to help me access my account she didn’t lecture her for not doing her job properly}

_{but I walked in lead today and she wanted to talk so I went to her and I just stood there the whole time and she was like}

_{(nadia) okay this is unbelievable right now you’re making it appear as if I’m not doing my job properly} 

_{like you’re such a *** lead teacher I won’t like vent about it but she was yelling at me like she was my mom I hope she gets fired she’s just ruthless :’)} 

and I kept saying I’m sorry and that ill tell the teacher it was my mistake 

like should I tell her you’re an awesome lead teacher too

but for a long time she kept saying that I said the problem was my internet and I kept saying maybe she heard wrong or maybe she saw me raise my hand when she asked who had a problem with their device and maybe she assumed it was the internet from there but I kept saying that I definitely didnt say that and I knew she was getting madder the more I denied but I know I’m right I’m not just gonna be like yeah you’re totally right I did say that when I didn’t 

she gave up eventually and literally just got my accounts back so easy like it was never even that big of a deal

guests left I’m gonna go change and maybe sleep I’m really tired.

byebye.

_<3

_{I’m back :> again. I’m trying really hard not to fall asleep because maybe if I sleep after sunset but still early enough I’ll be able to wake up and like not start crying about the time because part of the reason I was crying that day was because I woke up at 6:21 and I was crying so hard because it’s like what the second day and I’m waking up at 6:21 and I was so mad and really sad because I didn’t even want to go to school and now I was forced to get ready in a couple of minutes when I planned to be up at like 3am idk to do what but it makes me feel safer and better to be awake then and not have to rush like crazy to make it to the gates I really hate walking through} 

_{in moral ed in like the middle of that lesson the teacher was spinning a name wheel and whoever it goes on would have to tell us the last time they were in conflict with someone and what happened and after some awkward people it landed on one guy and everyone started..yelling, talking, screaming, and um what I got out of it was ohhhh (I’m gonna call him n) n’s got a good one} 

_{and he said it was 30 minutes ago. (actually some people were yelling over him that it was like 30 minutes ago then he said it himself and went on so I guess other people were there) with someone in the class and they were in conflict because the person was being racist to them and everyone went crazy again and some people were yelling to say who it was and some were just laughing and some people were like oh well that got um..}

_{and then later after the teacher said that racism is taken really seriously in this school she made people raise their hands and say what they think n should do if he’s receiving racism} 

_{and one guy raised his hand and he looked at n and went "just don’t care" and the teacher picked someone else I don’t remember what they said and then another guy raised his hand and he went "I think he should either tell a teacher.." and everyone just starting cussing at him and it started with the guy that said just don’t care saying bro get a life}

_{and then he finished it with "or if you want to you can just punch him in the face" and everyone got excited again} 

_{there are physical fights happening already but really serious fights and it’s only the third day back} 

_{a bunch of people were surrounded infront of the big stairs at the end of the math corridor and apparently there was another fight there too with different people}

maybe I’ll just close my eyes for a while

_{I did fall asleep- again :’) but even after sleeping so early I still woke up really late and crying again}

_{um I think why I’m so emotional in the mornings now is because I’m waken up from something peaceful and (I’d do anything to keep sleeping but then I think about school-) then I have to think about school first thing after I open my eyes and rush like crazy to- make it to the gates I really don’t want to go through :> and I don’t want to go to school especially with how late I would’ve woken up but I never have a choice.}

_{I’m so happy today tho :p it feels so weird to say}

_{for some reason I feel bad for being happy while other people aren’t} 

_{I’m still in a lot of pain :> I’m not sure of course but I think it’s my…left, yeah left-. I think it’s my left lung it hurts really really bad and at school I’m always in so much pain because my bags so heavy}

_{we didn’t have any tests this week tho}  

_{I’m really really really tired I didn’t feel like coming on cups but I still did xD good night (in the morning)<3}

_*poof*