in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
I was crying all of this morning because I didnāt want to go to school. I was still getting things done because I had to but I couldnāt stop crying and then my brother wakes up after me and he was like whatās wrong why do you look so sad and he gave me a hug but I couldnāt talk or anything. I donāt even know if I was being dramatic I just hate everything so much and itās only the second day and I have 10 more months of just this year and then Iāll be a senior and then thatās 3 years and then I donāt know what Iāll do after that but right now this year Iāve barely even started but I wish I could just stopĀ
one of the guys in my class said I shouldnāt have moved here. but like I can handle it :ā) itās so chaotic way more than the most chaotic moments of my old class but itās also just like when you talk no one stops everything theyāre doing just to stare at you. everyone just minds their own business. they donāt care what youāre doing or what you look like or anything
today we did a mental health test this on this website cause you know, they care about our wellbeing so much. now we have well-being wednesdays like really.
and it was all questions like pick one from the listed below stuff like thatĀ
and I just chose the lowest or worst on everything because I didnāt want to be there :ā) and my teacher asked me if Iām sui.cidalĀ
I know itās serious but that made me laugh because..sui.cidal. well not right now I guess thatās a stretch I just donāt want to be here. and he said itās not funny and now hes mad
it only made me laugh because he was asking me if I was suici.dal after I submitted a mental health test while being depressed about school
I didnāt know all my teachers had access to that. I thought it was just lead teachers or hoy
the girl I switched with, she left early yesterday for a doctors appointment and she was absent today. and 2 of the girls in that group that gave us no other choice but to switch. sort of the main ones I guess one of them went did S skip and get caught and I said no she didnāt come in today what do you mean and she kept saying that no she came and she was registered in in period one and two but sheās in my class for those and she didnāt come today at all and I said the teachers probably made a mistake and they kept saying no she skipped i donāt know why they care so much thoĀ
and another girl was in my arabic class and she asked why I moved out of her class and her friends started banging the tables every time Iād start talking.Ā
a group of seniors were walking the opposite way and one of them just looked at me and they did the hand thing and they went "well well well look what we have here" and their friends told them to stop
thereāre already fights happening.Ā
we got lectured in assembly by different teachers and everyone was laughing at the heartfelt speech guy I feel bad but there were some funny things he said in a serious tone like he yelled so seriously "there is a difference, between tucking in your shirt, and folding. if you want to fold, fold origami." but if I could use caps :p and then the part where he was like I am speaking from the very bottom of my heart and out of my compassion and etc etc that made people laugh for some reasonĀ
I was looking for my math class and it was really really crowded and two year 7s came and one of them was like my friend thinks youāre cute can he get your snap. and I sort of just huh smiled and continued looking and the kid screamedĀ
in lead class after we were supposed to do the two truths and a lie with someone our lead teacher was picking some people to say thereās and make the class guess and one guy started his with "um im 6 foot" and the teacher choked on her coffee for a while and everyone started laughing. and some other guy started it with "i like spaghetti" and everyone started laughing again-.
all my ex friends have been talking to me so casually :ā) my dad wants me to close. byebye.Ā
I left my house at 7:15 on the first day. I was waiting for my friends (I think I can call her my friend now ;-; I kept waiting for the moment sheād idk hate me or leave or make other friends and replace me but idk) bus but apparently she doesnāt go by bus anymore
and I used to be in a group of 5 (best friends) and we stopped being friends a long time ago but one of them just ran up to me and started talking so excitedly and she hugged me and I was just talking the same way she wasĀ
she used to be in the class Iām in now, 9b. but she just switched this year too. I was thinking like sheād be the only good part if we actually ended up talking or something but the year I switch she switches to my old class. it used to be me, A(her), A, F and J and I was like aw youāre so lucky youāre gonna be with J and A and F and she was like oh well not F and I knew there were like problems I guess F was making her feel left out and then A told all of them about it and F wasnāt taking anything seriously and was sort of rude sometimes :ā)Ā
we saw J in assembly and she kept waving at us and by the time the pe assembly started my friend left early so J started talking to me and she was like (nadia) why did you move and today I talked to A (a different one-) after science because she was in my science set and both of them kept saying that now her and A J (f still hasnāt come back) are the only not popular girls in the class because like 2/3 new girls joined that group and are already just like everyone in it and people moved to that class so now theyāre one big group and they wonāt stop staring at my friends like "O-O"
oh and I stayed after school with J because her mom was so far away when she called her and she was alone so :ā) no one yelled at me in front of the guests or after they left or anything.Ā
and I had another friend from 9c that also wonāt stop talking to me casually
I canāt believe Iām on page 91 :p I always saw those 100+ or even just around 80 page diary threads and even if itās been around for 2+ years Iād still be shocked because well- 40x100ā¦
yeah thatās great I lost all the knowledge Iāve ever had
do you add the zeros? thatās 4000 right. or 40,000? I think itās
*calculator*Ā
I feel so dumb that was 4000
how do I do so horrible and gets proper marks I donāt even know how I did what I did in English last year I thought my brain was foggy and I was in so much pain and I couldnāt think but like-
land he reads them and assesses them fairly :ā) my english teacher was really nice tho and he was really good at helping you understand and actually teachingĀ
theres a new kid that was put next to my friend in the seating plan and everyoneās already picking on him and every time he talks everyoneās like giggling :ā) itās not even an accent itās just his voice. itās not weird or anything itās still- just his voice. :ā) but heās not mainly targeted for that anyway, everyone calls him Leena 2.0Ā
idk if I can explain why. leena was a girl in this school that left not too many years agoĀ
she used to hold the knife to my face and threaten me to death pretty often. if I didnāt do things she wanted me to and one time she came on me from the back and held a knife to my throat butĀ
honestly I donāt know what was going on in my head but I just knew itās not like sheās gonna kll me and I wasnāt ever scared or her or anything just annoyed sometimes but that was it
sheād go around like helloo this is my friend she has an eating disorder
she skinny shamed me at such random times and just as an example one time she walked into lead and she came to me and she just went girl youre so skinny youre skinner than my nail but not my nail like this (sgehbss the rest is just idk) (and she was just going into descriptions about how skinny I am )
sometimes sheād be staring at nothing with the craziest smile and Iād be like leena what are you doing and sheād say some really creepy things I wonāt mention
but Iām not talking about her like sheās a bad person she wasnāt :ā) I just got carried away. there was so much to it. but she told me that her bed doesnāt have the thing at the back itās just a bed and a mattress and stuff but thereās a space behind it so even when she knows thereās nothing there all night sheād be too scared to sleep. she was obese and had a problem with stress eating, her parents literally nickname her the word trash but in arabic. she made a sui.cide joke about herself once before.Ā
sheād think about something happening and sheād think it actually happenedĀ
she went to therapy except she wasnāt the one talking to the therapist she would stand outside and her mom would talk about what medicine to get for her like her mom knew her better ( they got her sleeping pills)Ā
yeah but one day in english someone yelled she has a knife. and everyone surrounded her and I saw her face and I wanted to run because she actually looked like she wouldāve done something (but she didnāt) but they were saying things like "bro are you good are you mentally insane bro" and everyone started saying she was mental or mentally ill, she held the knife up at one guy and opened her mouth and :ā) I feel like she couldāve had it in her to just. idk. then the teacher walked in and made everyone sit down and another girl raised her hand and said that she had a knife and
yeah long story short she got suspended. got switched to a class where everyone was told to be kind to her, got out into proper therapy and she moved a while afterĀ
there are so many rumors about it tho. like that she had a day planned to mrder this one guy (and I did see that plan in her reminders app thing but idk I mean maybe she wanted me to see it) and she did always talk to everyone about mrdering him. but :ā) okay well idk if itās a rumor
but other things are. like she never said "I donāt care if I get kicked out of the school or get sent to prison as long as I make sure theyāre de.ad"
I mean I doubt that itās true
actually let me think about something thatās definitely not :p
thereāre rumors that she actually tried to kll *me* in that english class. I even heard year 13s talking about it like they know my name for being in that story idk who made upĀ