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in the wonders of my mindšŸ’—.

iloveyouxx March 17th

hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnā€™t look like mešŸ§makes sense doesnā€™t itšŸ˜›since there can only be one *me*āœØone of a kind now arent IšŸ˜/sar. one out of 8118835999āœØšŸŒ·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youā€™re also one of a kindšŸ’– sorrysorry haha :PšŸ¤im just messing around xDšŸ’žalso itā€™s 2am- but shush no snitchingšŸ¤«Iā€™ll sleep in a whilešŸ˜when Iā€™m feeling a bit more sane :>šŸ˜›šŸ©·

wanted to have my own space.šŸ’œ for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.šŸ’™

to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šŸ’œplease dont lurk here.šŸ©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šŸ’™but please be respectfulšŸ©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :PšŸ’› yā€™all get crazy nosy haha- itā€™s alright.šŸ’›nothing too interesting will be here anywayšŸ’›if you would like to come in and be supportive itā€™s completely okiešŸ’›but please donā€™t make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšŸ’›because Iā€™d still like this to be just my space ^-^šŸ’›)

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iloveyouxx OP August 24th

I got in :') I'm not doing anything wrong. I just went on a mindful walk xD and I'm not hurting anyone. by going on a mindful walk :pĀ 

I don't know why I just felt like coming on here andĀ  wafflingĀ 

iloveyouxx OP August 24th

but I have to put this device away :') before anyone else wakes up.Ā 

my dad's not even trying to fix it he's not he keeps saying he'll take it to "the guy" and he doesn't or he says it'll be fixed by tomorrow and it's not and when I find ways to easily reset it because my device is under his apple ID he doesn't listen butĀ 

it's okay

anywho

Ill just go. byebye<3

oh also I don't really care who it is but can you please stop sending referrals I don't need them but thankyoušŸ©·

iloveyouxx OP August 24th

my brother fixed my device. and connected it to the internet and now I just need the apple IDĀ 

and this accounts still here :ā€™) sorryšŸ¤

I need to be forced off of here for long enough to the point where Iā€™m no longer addicted.


iloveyouxx OP August 24th

Itā€™s only 12am but I think Iā€™m gonna go to sleep

(look at me :> fixing my sleep :>/j)Ā 

goodnight<3

*poof*

iloveyouxx OP August 24th

I almost forgot- never mind Iā€™m back.Ā 

my aunt told me ice died of old age

she died of cancer.Ā 

actually she didnā€™t die she was- well itā€™s a complicated medical word I donā€™t remember but she was basically put on something to kll her and put her out of her suffering (the suffering part is what my uncle said)

they took her to the vet the same day they thought she seemed off and looked sick and they got ultrasounds and she died there.

my uncles going around telling people like "Ah did you know that ice died?" "Yeah yeah she had cancer"Ā 

he wants to get another cat. like cope in your own way but really-? for louis. louis didnā€™t even like ice, I donā€™t talk about it but every time she saw ice sheā€™d attack her and i actually mean every time she saw her :ā€™) ice never fought back. sheā€™d just meow and sometimes louis would be chasing her but sometimes heā€™d just hit her and run. ice had marks all over her and under her fur.Ā 

my uncle says louis needs a companion. but before when heā€™d attack ice heā€™d say something about louis and his territory and he doesnā€™t like any other cat in his territoryĀ 

but then why would you get another cat then :ā€™) I donā€™t know what cancer it was or anything.Ā 

my uncle got this carpet thing in front of his garden and itā€™s split with a glass door and it was louis and ice and he made whoever made it make louis smile and he made ice look grumpy and mean.Ā 

I donā€™t want to say that no one cares because you never know and they donā€™t have to be showing it the way Iā€™d see it but seriously when my uncle told me (after I already knew) he was smiling. my aunt told him not to get a cat but he actually really wants to. literally go ahead and replace her

i mean itā€™s okay he can get a cat he can not care about her death it just makes me sad. ice only trusted a few people to be around her. people get scared but Iā€™m only scared Iā€™ll scare her. sheā€™s was so sweet tho she was never gonna hurt you or anything :ā€™) she trusted me sometimes, she trusted my aunt completely, she didnā€™t trust my uncle or their nanny or anyone else

she was a really special cat. I feel like she understood really well, my aunt says anytime she was stressed out or tired sheā€™d be there for her.Ā 

I love louis and my uncles nice (he just has clear favorites :p louis loves him so much more than he loves me-) im just sad about iceā€™s death not them

louis is adorable but guilty of hurting his sister :ā€™) heā€™s been so different now im not gonna go into it right now tho because I have to go

I donā€™t know if Iā€™ll be able to sleep now but-goodnight- :p<3

*poof*

iloveyouxx OP August 25th

Iā€™m back with my dad again.

iloveyouxx OP August 25th

815720. that was my password :ā€™) I keep putting it in. I never remembered the numbers I just knew the pattern and like, my fingers got used to typing it in. I remembered it started with 8 and I sort of knew there was a 1 but I wasnā€™t sure. I was thinking about it so much and trying to think of what word I mightā€™ve made it (from the numbers but not from the letters there it was like. what numbers looked most like the letter idk I just made it up myself tho) or what numbers I mightā€™ve used and for some reason I was so convinced there was a 4 but I know that was my password-. 815720. I feel like if I just waited a little bit for my brain to calm down and- refresh itselfĀ :'P I wouldā€™ve remembered and i wouldnā€™t have had to lose literally everything *** everything I checked everything I still have some accounts I made from here of course but I checked iCloud and everything and all my photos are gone. photos and videos and everythingĀ :') my notes are gone of course. I had so much on there too. I had this silly contract I made with my brother when we were young it was so formal but funny too, and his signature was there. I had so many petitions airdropped about school , I had these like stupid 4am creations I donā€™t know what to call them but I actually put time into those. I had poems and so many drawings I was so good at it using just the tools on notes for some reason but on real virtual drawing apps I was horrible. and honestly I donā€™t even remember I just had a lot and itā€™s all gone and Iā€™m gonna forget more and more so thatā€™s nice. my photos were everything to me tho if you just went across them youā€™d know me more than anyone else does my whole life was there.Ā 

and now Iā€™ll have to be yelled at and sent to IT for like every class until my school apps and account and emails and stuff are all set up I think Iā€™ve touched a pencil at home like twice all our work is on our devices my screen time is the highest in school. Iā€™ll always hate how this school works itā€™s so unbelievable like Iā€™ve been to I'm not gonna count but a lot of schools and this one just sucks :ā€™) like again. all the teachers do is sit on their high chair and tell us to copy off the board, get on with the powerpoint independently you can discuss your answers but if I hear it getting too loud itā€™s a B1 this is your only warning *** *** *** I donā€™t know what Iā€™m writing down. itā€™s topics we havenā€™t taken you skip to the next slide and there are the answers. I donā€™t have anyone to talk to I always get in trouble for things I didnā€™t do. they target the wrong people. one of my teachers just stayed until November (2 months) and hasnā€™t been there the entire year so for that class for the rest of the 8 months everyone would just go crazy. our biggest concern is for your safety and well-being part of our job is to protect you but the worst years of my life have been in this school Iā€™ve never been worse and Iā€™ll have to back there after tomorrow and everyoneā€™s all oh are you excited for school no Iā€™m not but seriously everyone Iā€™ve been forced to think about it all day because I had to sit there with 8 people I barely knew other than my family and talk about school. they donā€™t teach and yeah I want to learn when I think about what Iā€™ve learnt in year8 I think about that one math lesson where- oh wait that was year 7. well I think about that one math lesson 2 years ago when my math teacher back then started talking about cars

its so hard to care because I legit just go in there wanting to run I just want to run itā€™s so horrible being there for meĀ 

one time in year7 I was basically just getting bullied and I just walked in the gates and went to second floor and someone said something and when they were gone I ran downstairs and I just ran and I was new ish at the time so someone thought I got lost and told me class was the other way and then they were like wait are you crying and I just ran again and I went to the big staircase and I saw them just standing there looking back at me and it was so crowded I was trying to cover my face I ran down I ran to the gates again and the security guy literally held me back and he almost got distracted enough for me to run out but I was running and he was just holding me back and at first he was like what what happened but eventually he stopped caring and probably thought I was gonna skip and he yelled at me to go to class and I canā€™t leave without the thing that idk a type of pass I guess itā€™s a long process to get one

i got carried away.

3 replies
iloveyouxx OP August 25th
Iā€™m not ready for a new year. Iā€™m really not.Ā 
2 replies
iloveyouxx OP August 25th

for what literally for what. to lock myself in bathrooms and cry because I donā€™t want anyone to see me and because I canā€™t *** take it I canā€™t stand being there I swear I remember walking back from an assembly last year and my head was just like d.ie just d.ie just *** d.ie just *** d.ie just *** d.ie

im so scared. I wasnā€™t even this scared before I started typing.Ā 

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP August 25th

and you know our apartment sent this thing to everyone living here that we need to move out cause (I donā€™t actually know maybe theyā€™re selling can you sell an apartment? or maybe theyā€™re destroying it but that would be random in the middle of like here like what would you replace it with or do you just not-)

and my dad was asking my brother so um..you like this place here? And my brother wasnā€™t even saying anything he was just like why and he wouldnā€™t give an answer and I was like why donā€™t you ask me. and he just looked at me like I was some disgusting sort of person and he aggressively asked me but then I didnā€™t know what to say.Ā 

but later on they were talking about it again. my grandpa wants to move somewhere close to here for the school, and everyone else that knows about it says the same, and my dad says he picked this apartment specifically and all the other apartments are tight and donā€™t have a good view. my grandpa argues because he says weā€™re lucky that we live so close to the school and we do itā€™s less than a minute walk away and I am really lucky itā€™s so much easier and calmer. they were arguing about it for a while and I was like or we could just switch schools but seriously whyā€™re they so obsessed with this school and my grandpa freaked out and he was like "what?! and why! isnā€™t this school nice and.." and from there he was just muttering but we can just switch to any school and I donā€™t know how to explain it but the first part of my school so um for example the schools name is icecream and the school Iā€™m in is chocolate icecream but here thereā€™re so many like strawberry andā€¦well this is a wonderful example :> but itā€™s basically the same type of school and everything and itā€™s the same likeā€¦itā€™s connected and all the icecream schools have these competitions and stuff and if you were to move to strawberry icecream itā€™d be just the same. I know people from other schools that you know the same thing and it really is just the same. my example sucked but you know.Ā 

my dad wants me to sit with them gonna go.

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iloveyouxx OP August 25th

I wanted to sleep early today. thereā€™s nothing I could say thatā€™s anything different I guess. nothing new.Ā 

part of all the stuff my brother got on his birthday someone got him like 3 different types of rubikā€™s cubes, I only know how to solve the 3 by 3 ones and the fastest Iā€™ve ever gotten was 19 secondsĀ 

but I was just playing with that one because I didnā€™t have anything else to do :ā€™) and I didnā€™t get anything for my birthday which Iā€™m okay with but my brother doesnā€™t really shareĀ 

my dad was asking my brother to help him with something and my brother wasnā€™t so he came over and was like give it to me just just give it to me and I gave it to him and he literally just threw it on the floor and it broke into a bunch of pieces. I donā€™t even know like good job do you feel better now? and he kept yelling at both of us to help him but I swear he didnā€™t ask me it was my brother that he asked and it was my brother that was on his phone and not listening, itā€™s not even my rubikā€™s cube. what was the point of that. if he asked me to help him I swear I wouldā€™ve but he genuinely didnā€™t. my hearing sucks my memory sucks my ability to process things sucks but he genuinely didnā€™t ask me. he was looking for a reason to get mad but I didnā€™t do anything :ā€™)

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP August 25th
every time my dad tells my brother to do anything heā€™s like make (nadia) do it and he actually does. and Iā€™ve been throwing the trash and collecting the trash and vacuuming and cleaning and folding laundry and hanging laundry and doing everyoneā€™s beds and fixing the couches and getting things (remotes water etc) for everyone when its always- right there. and usually when Iā€™m throwing the trash I look around and I run from place to place to make sure that no oneā€™s there or no one sees me. and itā€™s not like Iā€™m doing anything bad itā€™s just I donā€™t want anyone to see me :ā€™) but now I canā€™t run. I tried forcing myself to but if I fall I literally canā€™t get up. and I actually did end up bumping into someone like once. Iā€™ve only seen them once before and this was the first time someone saw me throwing the trash out of 2 whole years. Iā€™d hide in places for so long until anyone that was there was gone but most of the time Iā€™d just manage with the looking around and running from place to place.Ā 

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iloveyouxx OP August 25th

my grandpa had surgery. I donā€™t even get to know anything about it and no oneā€™s gonna tell me anythingĀ 

iloveyouxx OP August 25th

I think my dad left Iā€™m gonna go check- :p

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP August 25th
yeah heā€™s gone.Ā 
I think im gonna be off for the rest of today- 2 hours :p no but Iā€™ll actually be off :ā€™) Ā this thread is soā€¦umā€¦anxiety inducing/j Iā€™m stressing myself out. maybe Iā€™m anxiety inducing :p I feel the need to watch spongebob after thinking too much../j no but Iā€™m just gonna go breathe. byebye.
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