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in the wonders of my mindšŸ’—.

iloveyouxx March 17th

hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnā€™t look like mešŸ§makes sense doesnā€™t itšŸ˜›since there can only be one *me*āœØone of a kind now arent IšŸ˜/sar. one out of 8118835999āœØšŸŒ·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youā€™re also one of a kindšŸ’– sorrysorry haha :PšŸ¤im just messing around xDšŸ’žalso itā€™s 2am- but shush no snitchingšŸ¤«Iā€™ll sleep in a whilešŸ˜when Iā€™m feeling a bit more sane :>šŸ˜›šŸ©·

wanted to have my own space.šŸ’œ for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.šŸ’™

to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šŸ’œplease dont lurk here.šŸ©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šŸ’™but please be respectfulšŸ©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :PšŸ’› yā€™all get crazy nosy haha- itā€™s alright.šŸ’›nothing too interesting will be here anywayšŸ’›if you would like to come in and be supportive itā€™s completely okiešŸ’›but please donā€™t make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšŸ’›because Iā€™d still like this to be just my space ^-^šŸ’›)

peach-and-goma.gif

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iloveyouxx OP August 25th

itā€™s almost midnight now. my dads still not backĀ 

iloveyouxx OP August 25th


okay so obviously I need to sleep because I havenā€™t been as good at surviving while being sleep deprived like I used to be I keep falling asleep in the day. my uncle keeps telling me this isnā€™t good for me like yeah. I know. and he says that it can lead to depression which idk Iā€™m not gonna like fact check I trust him he probably meant like- idk how to say it but heā€™s smarter than me so. but yeah I think itā€™s a little too late for that. ever since Iā€™ve joined all the way till now itā€™s been 100% for depression and anxiety but Iā€™m not miserable. I think. Iā€™m not miserable all the time.Ā 

anywho.Ā 

also I just look ugly and messed up and tired all the time.Ā 

what if I just. what if I sleep in like the afternoon, wake up at 12am or like an hour to 3 later and get ready from then.Ā 

4pm-ā€¦..5 1 6 2 7 3 8 4 9 5ā€¦I canā€™t count in my head I get so lost. 10 6 11 7 12 8 01 9 02 10Ā 

so if I were to sleep as much as I possibly could from 4pm Iā€™d wake up at 2

im so scared :ā€™) I canā€™t believe year9 is basically tomorrow. I got an extra month for summer break and it went by so insanely fast like I just left the gates and sat down and

I donā€™t know. in 7 minutes itā€™ll be Monday, and when itā€™s Monday itā€™ll be school tomorrow. tomorrow :ā€™) Iā€™m not ready. Iā€™m really not I mean Iā€™ve said it before but like what do I even do how do I like what do I do with my face and also omg :ā€™) what do I say when weā€™re introducing ourselvesĀ 

I have to do that for every single new teacher so they can get to know all of us better but really they donā€™t care. theyā€™d make you stand up and say your name where youā€™re from and then random stuff like your favorite color or sometimes theyā€™d make you say one thing you like and one thing you donā€™t like

what do I say that I donā€™t like.Ā 

actually im not mentally prepared enough :ā€™)

Iā€™ll just say that i like drawing because thatā€™s what I always say, and Iā€™ll sayā€¦.

what donā€™t I like :ā€™) I donā€™t like people. I like some peopleĀ 

1 minute till midnight.Ā 

gonna go.

iloveyouxx OP August 25th

I have school tomorrow. first day of year 9.

iloveyouxx OP August 25th

Iā€™m really excited. they need to make the summer breaks shorter tho, Iā€™ve been waiting for this and especially with the whole switching to 9b thing Iā€™m gonna make new friendss and you know the teachers are really nice Iā€™ve heard about them this is gonna be such a good year :)

***Ā 

iloveyouxx OP August 25th

Iā€™m so excited to have panic attacks in the middle of hallways. Iā€™m so excited to be stared at to the point where I want to cry because I feel like thereā€™s something wrong with me, so excited to be the center of attention, so excited to be yelled at for not participating enough

my primary teacher once made a list of her favorite to least favorite students which now I know wasnā€™t allowed it was a whole lesson with games and stuff and she did that and I was at the bottom and she was like mmm (nadia) youā€™re okayyy you can just like you knoww involve yourself more and take part in our lessons yeahh?

oh my dads actually here gotta go-

2 replies
iloveyouxx OP August 26th
I think it was take part in our discussions I donā€™t really rememberĀ 
iloveyouxx OP August 26th

my dad caught me awake :ā€™) and got mad and.Ā 

then he took my device but he left the door open this morning, the door to his room and thatā€™s where he hides and keeps everything so my brother woke me up when he left to tell me the door was open :pĀ 

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iloveyouxx OP August 26th

KHDA messaged me :DĀ 

they messaged my dad but our devices are connected so I got the message. I translated it.Ā 

"Welcome to a new academic year! We wish your children a year of learning, fun and growth. Letā€™s make it a great year together.Ā "

:pĀ 

iloveyouxx OP August 26th

I really donā€™t want to :ā€™)

start another year in this school. now Iā€™m too tired to complain about it

Iā€™ll just go for nowĀ 

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP August 26th

feels so good knowing Iā€™ll actually have my device until my dad comes back :p I missed this but that meant everything on it too and now itā€™s like I just bought a whole new one. might as well just replace it at this point thereā€™s nothing on here I want to keep anymore and now if I had a whole new device it would just be the same Iā€™d keep some of my accounts and everything else would be the sameĀ 

I was supposed to go Iā€™ll go now :>

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iloveyouxx OP August 26th

Iā€™ve been really mad latelyĀ :') I really donā€™t like being mad. but Iā€™m mad at everything Iā€™m mad at the system and how everything works and Iā€™m mad at people and people I donā€™t get like the people that drive kids to sui for fun and then laugh at them. the people that say they fantasize about getting kidnapped and raped but if you want it then itā€™s not really rape is it. Iā€™m sorry if I talk about idk dark topics openly I guess, I feel like I just make everyone leave. the people that say theyā€™re always there for you and then theyā€™re not. they never actually were. and I was always alone. the people that make jokes out of disabilities and things real people go through. I got told I walk like an autist, how does an autist walk? the people that treat other people worse because of who they like. or their race. or gender. or country or appearance itā€™s the first thing you get to judge someone for and here no one has to know any of that and I still feel like Iā€™m being judgedĀ 

I'm mad at how people change. like one day you were the kindest person i knew and we were gonna go to college together and live together and go to work together and always be best friends and now all you want to do is hurt people. for your entertainment and for your audience. so good for you.Ā 

and I donā€™t even care anymore. if someone held a gun to head Iā€™d tell them to shoot. Iā€™m not scared to die. Im a good person I always try to be, and I know I need to hurt to know what itā€™s like to be happy but I canā€™t hurt anymore and it feels like Iā€™m already dead I feel like Iā€™m already deadĀ 

Iā€™ve said it before but I remember in year 8 at school my skin genuinely looked grey. and I woke up every day gasping my first thought when Iā€™d wake up would just be "school" and then Iā€™d open my eyes and I felt like I was underwater and Iā€™d wake up with my heart beating every day just loud not fast but so loud

I donā€™t think Iā€™ll ever be close to anyone the same way I was with the now dead body I moved a continent away fromĀ 

hold on my grandpa needs help. :ā€™)

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP August 26th
I didnā€™t think that would actually post
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iloveyouxx OP August 26th

my grandma says my dads gonna be late today

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP August 26th
he came back and left again.Ā 
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iloveyouxx OP August 26th

Iā€™m trying so hard to prepare but I donā€™t know what to do :ā€™)Ā