in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
okay so obviously I need to sleep because I havenāt been as good at surviving while being sleep deprived like I used to be I keep falling asleep in the day. my uncle keeps telling me this isnāt good for me like yeah. I know. and he says that it can lead to depression which idk Iām not gonna like fact check I trust him he probably meant like- idk how to say it but heās smarter than me so. but yeah I think itās a little too late for that. ever since Iāve joined all the way till now itās been 100% for depression and anxiety but Iām not miserable. I think. Iām not miserable all the time.Ā
anywho.Ā
also I just look ugly and messed up and tired all the time.Ā
what if I just. what if I sleep in like the afternoon, wake up at 12am or like an hour to 3 later and get ready from then.Ā
4pm-ā¦..5 1 6 2 7 3 8 4 9 5ā¦I canāt count in my head I get so lost. 10 6 11 7 12 8 01 9 02 10Ā
so if I were to sleep as much as I possibly could from 4pm Iād wake up at 2
im so scared :ā) I canāt believe year9 is basically tomorrow. I got an extra month for summer break and it went by so insanely fast like I just left the gates and sat down and
I donāt know. in 7 minutes itāll be Monday, and when itās Monday itāll be school tomorrow. tomorrow :ā) Iām not ready. Iām really not I mean Iāve said it before but like what do I even do how do I like what do I do with my face and also omg :ā) what do I say when weāre introducing ourselvesĀ
I have to do that for every single new teacher so they can get to know all of us better but really they donāt care. theyād make you stand up and say your name where youāre from and then random stuff like your favorite color or sometimes theyād make you say one thing you like and one thing you donāt like
what do I say that I donāt like.Ā
actually im not mentally prepared enough :ā)
Iāll just say that i like drawing because thatās what I always say, and Iāll sayā¦.
what donāt I like :ā) I donāt like people. I like some peopleĀ
1 minute till midnight.Ā
gonna go.
Iām really excited. they need to make the summer breaks shorter tho, Iāve been waiting for this and especially with the whole switching to 9b thing Iām gonna make new friendss and you know the teachers are really nice Iāve heard about them this is gonna be such a good year :)
***Ā
Iām so excited to have panic attacks in the middle of hallways. Iām so excited to be stared at to the point where I want to cry because I feel like thereās something wrong with me, so excited to be the center of attention, so excited to be yelled at for not participating enough
my primary teacher once made a list of her favorite to least favorite students which now I know wasnāt allowed it was a whole lesson with games and stuff and she did that and I was at the bottom and she was like mmm (nadia) youāre okayyy you can just like you knoww involve yourself more and take part in our lessons yeahh?
oh my dads actually here gotta go-
KHDA messaged me :DĀ
they messaged my dad but our devices are connected so I got the message. I translated it.Ā
"Welcome to a new academic year! We wish your children a year of learning, fun and growth. Letās make it a great year together.Ā "
:pĀ
I really donāt want to :ā)
start another year in this school. now Iām too tired to complain about it
Iāll just go for nowĀ
feels so good knowing Iāll actually have my device until my dad comes back :p I missed this but that meant everything on it too and now itās like I just bought a whole new one. might as well just replace it at this point thereās nothing on here I want to keep anymore and now if I had a whole new device it would just be the same Iād keep some of my accounts and everything else would be the sameĀ
I was supposed to go Iāll go now :>
Iāve been really mad latelyĀ :') I really donāt like being mad. but Iām mad at everything Iām mad at the system and how everything works and Iām mad at people and people I donāt get like the people that drive kids to sui for fun and then laugh at them. the people that say they fantasize about getting kidnapped and raped but if you want it then itās not really rape is it. Iām sorry if I talk about idk dark topics openly I guess, I feel like I just make everyone leave. the people that say theyāre always there for you and then theyāre not. they never actually were. and I was always alone. the people that make jokes out of disabilities and things real people go through. I got told I walk like an autist, how does an autist walk? the people that treat other people worse because of who they like. or their race. or gender. or country or appearance itās the first thing you get to judge someone for and here no one has to know any of that and I still feel like Iām being judgedĀ
I'm mad at how people change. like one day you were the kindest person i knew and we were gonna go to college together and live together and go to work together and always be best friends and now all you want to do is hurt people. for your entertainment and for your audience. so good for you.Ā
and I donāt even care anymore. if someone held a gun to head Iād tell them to shoot. Iām not scared to die. Im a good person I always try to be, and I know I need to hurt to know what itās like to be happy but I canāt hurt anymore and it feels like Iām already dead I feel like Iām already deadĀ
Iāve said it before but I remember in year 8 at school my skin genuinely looked grey. and I woke up every day gasping my first thought when Iād wake up would just be "school" and then Iād open my eyes and I felt like I was underwater and Iād wake up with my heart beating every day just loud not fast but so loud
I donāt think Iāll ever be close to anyone the same way I was with the now dead body I moved a continent away fromĀ
hold on my grandpa needs help. :ā)