in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{it’s almost midnight now. my dads still not back} 

_{okay so obviously I need to sleep because I haven’t been as good at surviving while being sleep deprived like I used to be I keep falling asleep in the day. my uncle keeps telling me this isn’t good for me like yeah. I know. and he says that it can lead to depression which idk I’m not gonna like fact check I trust him he probably meant like- idk how to say it but he’s smarter than me so. but yeah I think it’s a little too late for that. ever since I’ve joined all the way till now it’s been 100% for depression and anxiety but I’m not miserable. I think. I’m not miserable all the time.} 

_anywho. 

_{also I just look ugly and messed up and tired all the time.} 

_{what if I just. what if I sleep in like the afternoon, wake up at 12am or like an hour to 3 later and get ready from then.} 

_{4pm-…..5 1 6 2 7 3 8 4 9 5…I can’t count in my head I get so lost. 10 6 11 7 12 8 01 9 02 10} 

_{so if I were to sleep as much as I possibly could from 4pm I’d wake up at 2}

_{im so scared :’) I can’t believe year9 is basically tomorrow. I got an extra month for summer break and it went by so insanely fast like I just left the gates and sat down and}

_{I don’t know. in 7 minutes it’ll be Monday, and when it’s Monday it’ll be school tomorrow. tomorrow :’) I’m not ready. I’m really not I mean I’ve said it before but like what do I even do how do I like what do I do with my face and also omg :’) what do I say when we’re introducing ourselves} 

_{I have to do that for every single new teacher so they can get to know all of us better but really they don’t care. they’d make you stand up and say your name where you’re from and then random stuff like your favorite color or sometimes they’d make you say one thing you like and one thing you don’t like}

_{what do I say that I don’t like.} 

_{actually im not mentally prepared enough :’)}

_{I’ll just say that i like drawing because that’s what I always say, and I’ll say….}

_{what don’t I like :’) I don’t like people. I like some people} 

_{1 minute till midnight.} 

_{gonna go.}

_{I have school tomorrow. first day of year 9.}

_{I’m really excited. they need to make the summer breaks shorter tho, I’ve been waiting for this and especially with the whole switching to 9b thing I’m gonna make new friendss and you know the teachers are really nice I’ve heard about them this is gonna be such a good year :)}

_*** 

_{I’m so excited to have panic attacks in the middle of hallways. I’m so excited to be stared at to the point where I want to cry because I feel like there’s something wrong with me, so excited to be the center of attention, so excited to be yelled at for not participating enough}

_{my primary teacher once made a list of her favorite to least favorite students which now I know wasn’t allowed it was a whole lesson with games and stuff and she did that and I was at the bottom and she was like mmm (nadia) you’re okayyy you can just like you knoww involve yourself more and take part in our lessons yeahh?}

_{oh my dads actually here gotta go-}

_{KHDA messaged me :D} 

_{they messaged my dad but our devices are connected so I got the message. I translated it.} 

_"Welcome to a new academic year! We wish your children a year of learning, fun and growth. Let’s make it a great year together. "

:p 

_{I really don’t want to :’)}

start another year in this school. now I’m too tired to complain about it

I’ll just go for now 

_{I’ve been really mad lately :') I really don’t like being mad. but I’m mad at everything I’m mad at the system and how everything works and I’m mad at people and people I don’t get like the people that drive kids to sui for fun and then laugh at them. the people that say they fantasize about getting kidnapped and raped but if you want it then it’s not really rape is it. I’m sorry if I talk about idk dark topics openly I guess, I feel like I just make everyone leave. the people that say they’re always there for you and then they’re not. they never actually were. and I was always alone. the people that make jokes out of disabilities and things real people go through. I got told I walk like an autist, how does an autist walk? the people that treat other people worse because of who they like. or their race. or gender. or country or appearance it’s the first thing you get to judge someone for and here no one has to know any of that and I still feel like I’m being judged} 

_{I'm mad at how people change. like one day you were the kindest person i knew and we were gonna go to college together and live together and go to work together and always be best friends and now all you want to do is hurt people. for your entertainment and for your audience. so good for you.} 

_{and I don’t even care anymore. if someone held a gun to head I’d tell them to shoot. I’m not scared to die. Im a good person I always try to be, and I know I need to hurt to know what it’s like to be happy but I can’t hurt anymore and it feels like I’m already dead I feel like I’m already dead} 

I’ve said it before but I remember in year 8 at school my skin genuinely looked grey. and I woke up every day gasping my first thought when I’d wake up would just be "school" and then I’d open my eyes and I felt like I was underwater and I’d wake up with my heart beating every day just loud not fast but so loud

I don’t think I’ll ever be close to anyone the same way I was with the now dead body I moved a continent away from 

hold on my grandpa needs help. :’)

_{my grandma says my dads gonna be late today}

_{I’m trying so hard to prepare but I don’t know what to do :’)}