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- in the wonders of my mindš.
in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
I left my house at 7:15 on the first day. I was waiting for my friends (I think I can call her my friend now ;-; I kept waiting for the moment sheād idk hate me or leave or make other friends and replace me but idk) bus but apparently she doesnāt go by bus anymore
and I used to be in a group of 5 (best friends) and we stopped being friends a long time ago but one of them just ran up to me and started talking so excitedly and she hugged me and I was just talking the same way she wasĀ
she used to be in the class Iām in now, 9b. but she just switched this year too. I was thinking like sheād be the only good part if we actually ended up talking or something but the year I switch she switches to my old class. it used to be me, A(her), A, F and J and I was like aw youāre so lucky youāre gonna be with J and A and F and she was like oh well not F and I knew there were like problems I guess F was making her feel left out and then A told all of them about it and F wasnāt taking anything seriously and was sort of rude sometimes :ā)Ā
we saw J in assembly and she kept waving at us and by the time the pe assembly started my friend left early so J started talking to me and she was like (nadia) why did you move and today I talked to A (a different one-) after science because she was in my science set and both of them kept saying that now her and A J (f still hasnāt come back) are the only not popular girls in the class because like 2/3 new girls joined that group and are already just like everyone in it and people moved to that class so now theyāre one big group and they wonāt stop staring at my friends like "O-O"
oh and I stayed after school with J because her mom was so far away when she called her and she was alone so :ā) no one yelled at me in front of the guests or after they left or anything.Ā
and I had another friend from 9c that also wonāt stop talking to me casually
I canāt believe Iām on page 91 :p I always saw those 100+ or even just around 80 page diary threads and even if itās been around for 2+ years Iād still be shocked because well- 40x100ā¦
yeah thatās great I lost all the knowledge Iāve ever had
do you add the zeros? thatās 4000 right. or 40,000? I think itās
*calculator*Ā
I feel so dumb that was 4000
how do I do so horrible and gets proper marks I donāt even know how I did what I did in English last year I thought my brain was foggy and I was in so much pain and I couldnāt think but like-
land he reads them and assesses them fairly :ā) my english teacher was really nice tho and he was really good at helping you understand and actually teachingĀ
theres a new kid that was put next to my friend in the seating plan and everyoneās already picking on him and every time he talks everyoneās like giggling :ā) itās not even an accent itās just his voice. itās not weird or anything itās still- just his voice. :ā) but heās not mainly targeted for that anyway, everyone calls him Leena 2.0Ā
idk if I can explain why. leena was a girl in this school that left not too many years agoĀ
she used to hold the knife to my face and threaten me to death pretty often. if I didnāt do things she wanted me to and one time she came on me from the back and held a knife to my throat butĀ
honestly I donāt know what was going on in my head but I just knew itās not like sheās gonna kll me and I wasnāt ever scared or her or anything just annoyed sometimes but that was it
sheād go around like helloo this is my friend she has an eating disorder
she skinny shamed me at such random times and just as an example one time she walked into lead and she came to me and she just went girl youre so skinny youre skinner than my nail but not my nail like this (sgehbss the rest is just idk) (and she was just going into descriptions about how skinny I am )
sometimes sheād be staring at nothing with the craziest smile and Iād be like leena what are you doing and sheād say some really creepy things I wonāt mention
but Iām not talking about her like sheās a bad person she wasnāt :ā) I just got carried away. there was so much to it. but she told me that her bed doesnāt have the thing at the back itās just a bed and a mattress and stuff but thereās a space behind it so even when she knows thereās nothing there all night sheād be too scared to sleep. she was obese and had a problem with stress eating, her parents literally nickname her the word trash but in arabic. she made a sui.cide joke about herself once before.Ā
sheād think about something happening and sheād think it actually happenedĀ
she went to therapy except she wasnāt the one talking to the therapist she would stand outside and her mom would talk about what medicine to get for her like her mom knew her better ( they got her sleeping pills)Ā
yeah but one day in english someone yelled she has a knife. and everyone surrounded her and I saw her face and I wanted to run because she actually looked like she wouldāve done something (but she didnāt) but they were saying things like "bro are you good are you mentally insane bro" and everyone started saying she was mental or mentally ill, she held the knife up at one guy and opened her mouth and :ā) I feel like she couldāve had it in her to just. idk. then the teacher walked in and made everyone sit down and another girl raised her hand and said that she had a knife and
yeah long story short she got suspended. got switched to a class where everyone was told to be kind to her, got out into proper therapy and she moved a while afterĀ
there are so many rumors about it tho. like that she had a day planned to mrder this one guy (and I did see that plan in her reminders app thing but idk I mean maybe she wanted me to see it) and she did always talk to everyone about mrdering him. but :ā) okay well idk if itās a rumor
but other things are. like she never said "I donāt care if I get kicked out of the school or get sent to prison as long as I make sure theyāre de.ad"
I mean I doubt that itās true
actually let me think about something thatās definitely not :p
thereāre rumors that she actually tried to kll *me* in that english class. I even heard year 13s talking about it like they know my name for being in that story idk who made upĀ
but yeah now people talk about it like "itās not that bad we used to have a murderer in our class"
and people are talking about how he looks like heāll end up like her or heās the type of guy to or heās like the male version or weāre reliving leena
he doesnāt even do anything he just reads in breaks and listens in class. heās really smart too way smarter than a lot of us idk why anyoneās making fun of him, he talked to me and my friend a couple of times because I moved to my friends table most of that day since we were just in lead time for 5 hours.Ā
idk I want to stop thinking about it. he seems nice tho but really lonely :ā) and he looks really really sad sometimes.Ā
yeah I should think about something elseĀ
everyone keeps smiling at me and I love people smiling at me but then I have to smile back like every couple of minutesĀ
also. apparently the last 2 weeks I wasnāt in school my friend only came for one day.
I need a third day of the week to decide what I thinkĀ
we have pe two times a week now. it used to be three. still wish I could skip to year 10 for the pe :ā) Iād just pick the most random things Ā Ā
I donāt even know but everyoneās so smiley and nice and I mean I smile at them and then they see me and smile and go up to me but- Iāve always smiled at them.Ā
I donāt even know whoās new and whoās not this class is so random
its hard to explain but everyone here looks so normal and differentĀ
I feel like Iāve seen so little. some of them think Iām new. :ā) Iāve always been just- the class next door. I thought everyone knew their year group
back. I love how I was just talking about the most random parts of the 2 days that passed :] everything else is too long tho.Ā
but anywho.
this class is a lot more chaotic and weird but I like it better, my friend that moved to my old class hates it.Ā
I made another friend from my new class. she used to just stare at me all the time so I thought she didnāt like me but she was just lonely because she switched here too :ā)Ā
I was thinking, maybe I should add a tw, so here I am xD thereās a mentioned um..object? that was used for an unaliving attempt. maybe the tw should have a tw what- this isnāt triggering right. and thereās also mentions of unaliving so TWš¤
the girl came today she had the funniest story about how she managed to not come yesterdayĀ
and Iāve been laughing all day because honestly with her I always am something funny always happens or one of us says something really funny and then weāre both crying laughing but when I laugh my stomach hurts more and it still hurts all the way till nowĀ
im so confused no but really I come home and then I think about the day and Iām so confused because why am I having good days. and I donāt want to be so happy because I know the girls gonna make new friends and leave so easily and then Iāll relive year 7 year 7 was such a horrible year for me it was the year I just stood there with the knife for so long and well maybe I shouldnāt talk about it :ā)Ā
I donāt know if anyoneās noticed but, Iāve been trying to not talk about the negativest of thingsšI think Iām doing great/j
i donāt even remember what I was talking about beforeĀ
but yeah it was the first year I actually attempted- I had a full plan to when I was 7 but it was really stupid and how I thought and everything but when I was 10/11 that was when it got really bad year 7 was really really bad.
i went up to third floor, Iām gonna stay for a while but not too long Iām gonna leave at like 3:30 maybe and if not too many teachers are there Iāll take pictures of all the things they built cause itās also for myself xDĀ
I had food given to me for school today. and I gave it all to my friend. she was really happy xD
I might start going down now because Iām still gonna just go around so
*temporarypoof*
there were so many teachers I couldnāt
i logged on somewhere else because one of our guests is having a call in my room and I put my bag in my room :ā)Ā
I have a presentation I need to get done. for moral ed
Iām so tired. Iāve been sleeping right after school too much and itās not a good habit I knowĀ
I have a french test tomorrow but itās only a baseline for the teachers to know where we are as a class :p
i feel so disappointing this year Iām having the same french teacher I had in year 7 and she loved me so much and she was like (nadia) is really good at french normally I think and then she made me read out my answers and I mean they were answered but not as good as I used to be I feel like every time my mind is on something or I learn something or something happens i forget everything else beforeĀ
my lead teacher was yelling at me for so long today I just hate her she got the email from the teacher that helped me get to my class so that my lead teacher can help me get on my account
and I told her how IT told me she had the passwords and everything I needed for my account and apps
and she was like yeah and she said that yesterday I told her specifically that the problem was with the internet and thatās why she told me to go down to ITĀ
but I swear :ā) I could swear on everything a billion times itās how sure I am. I swear I told her I remember I told her my device got reseted so my school accounts arenāt there anymore and I remember she asked me do you know any of the passwords and I said no and she asked why my ipad got reseted and I told her like I got locked out and we couldnāt access it and she was like okay in break go down to IT theyāll help you get your accounts back
couldnt that day went the next they said my lead teacher has all of that I got lost and couldnāt find anyone a teacher found me and emailed my lead teacher literally just to help me access my account she didnāt lecture her for not doing her job properly
but I walked in lead today and she wanted to talk so I went to her and I just stood there the whole time and she was like
(nadia) okay this is unbelievable right now youāre making it appear as if Iām not doing my job properlyĀ
like youāre such a *** lead teacher I wonāt like vent about it but she was yelling at me like she was my mom I hope she gets fired sheās just ruthless :ā)Ā
and I kept saying Iām sorry and that ill tell the teacher it was my mistakeĀ
like should I tell her youāre an awesome lead teacher too
but for a long time she kept saying that I said the problem was my internet and I kept saying maybe she heard wrong or maybe she saw me raise my hand when she asked who had a problem with their device and maybe she assumed it was the internet from there but I kept saying that I definitely didnt say that and I knew she was getting madder the more I denied but I know Iām right Iām not just gonna be like yeah youāre totally right I did say that when I didnātĀ
she gave up eventually and literally just got my accounts back so easy like it was never even that big of a deal
guests left Iām gonna go change and maybe sleep Iām really tired.
byebye.
<3
Iām back :> again. Iām trying really hard not to fall asleep because maybe if I sleep after sunset but still early enough Iāll be able to wake up and like not start crying about the time because part of the reason I was crying that day was because I woke up at 6:21 and I was crying so hard because itās like what the second day and Iām waking up at 6:21 and I was so mad and really sad because I didnāt even want to go to school and now I was forced to get ready in a couple of minutes when I planned to be up at like 3am idk to do what but it makes me feel safer and better to be awake then and not have to rush like crazy to make it to the gates I really hate walking throughĀ
in moral ed in like the middle of that lesson the teacher was spinning a name wheel and whoever it goes on would have to tell us the last time they were in conflict with someone and what happened and after some awkward people it landed on one guy and everyone started..yelling, talking, screaming, and um what I got out of it was ohhhh (Iām gonna call him n) nās got a good oneĀ
and he said it was 30 minutes ago. (actually some people were yelling over him that it was like 30 minutes ago then he said it himself and went on so I guess other people were there) with someone in the class and they were in conflict because the person was being racist to them and everyone went crazy again and some people were yelling to say who it was and some were just laughing and some people were like oh well that got um..
and then later after the teacher said that racism is taken really seriously in this school she made people raise their hands and say what they think n should do if heās receiving racismĀ
and one guy raised his hand and he looked at n and went "just donāt care" and the teacher picked someone else I donāt remember what they said and then another guy raised his hand and he went "I think he should either tell a teacher.." and everyone just starting cussing at him and it started with the guy that said just donāt care saying bro get a life
and then he finished it with "or if you want to you can just punch him in the face" and everyone got excited againĀ
there are physical fights happening already but really serious fights and itās only the third day backĀ
a bunch of people were surrounded infront of the big stairs at the end of the math corridor and apparently there was another fight there too with different people
I did fall asleep- again :ā) but even after sleeping so early I still woke up really late and crying again
um I think why Iām so emotional in the mornings now is because Iām waken up from something peaceful and (Iād do anything to keep sleeping but then I think about school-) then I have to think about school first thing after I open my eyes and rush like crazy to- make it to the gates I really donāt want to go through :> and I donāt want to go to school especially with how late I wouldāve woken up but I never have a choice.
Iām so happy today tho :p it feels so weird to say
for some reason I feel bad for being happy while other people arenātĀ
Iām still in a lot of pain :> Iām not sure of course but I think itās myā¦left, yeah left-. I think itās my left lung it hurts really really bad and at school Iām always in so much pain because my bags so heavy
we didnāt have any tests this week tho Ā
Iām really really really tired I didnāt feel like coming on cups but I still did xD good night (in the morning)<3
*poof*