@mytwistedsoul

it feels like somethings stuck inside my chest...maybe its just me panicing. i dont know... there is something inside of me thats telling me to panic. sort of like a red light alert. i dont know why...

@amiableBunny4016 Sometimes a panic attack can hit without any reason. Where you thinking about anything? May e you saw or heard something? If it gets worse maybe call for a nurse ? 

@mytwistedsoul

just.. stuff . you know. i think im gonna call someone, this machine is beeping for some reason..i... i think i'm gonna logout for a while.

take care.

@amiableBunny4016 I'm glad you're calling someone. Especially if something is beeping 💙 

@amiableBunny4016

*sending hugs and strength your way if okay, bunny bean* 💜

*** ***

*** ***... my bp is dangerously low... 

@amiableBunny4016 Oh that's not good 😬 that explains why it was beeping! 

@amiableBunny4016

hi.

@amiableBunny4016

hi friend 💗

@LoveMyMoonflowers

heyo ni. hows it going?

@amiableBunny4016

hi bun 💜

um… im fine. :') life is life-ing lifelily. being real lifey. in the lifiest way possible. i’m being my weird self, how's you bun 💜 how are things in your world 💜💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

yeah, i hear you 💗 life can be rocky and upsy and downsy, almost unpredictable at this point. I'm fine. just the same old xD. 

@amiableBunny4016

yeah.. :/ life is strange. 💜

*sending comfy hugs to bunny if okay* 💜 i know it’s not always easy. :( it's good to be fine/ok but you don’t have to pretend to be if your not bunny friend 💜💜 (no pressure though, i don’t mean to pry, im sorry) 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

@amiableBunny4016

*accepts hugs* thank you lovely friend 💜 

so.... i had a panic attack. and screamed. alot. and threw a tantrum like a toddler today. and became aggressive. and pushed people away.

and now... i'm just sitting here... and i've lost my voice. and idk what im supposed to do. i just feel dead.

@amiableBunny4016

do you know what might have caused it bun? :( *no pressure* 💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

idk not gonna lie. i dont know what i was thinking...💜

@amiableBunny4016

it's okay 💜 sometimes we don’t know the cause of it and that’s okay friend. 💜💜 

@amiableBunny4016 That's definitely a rough time 😞 Sometimes panic attacks can make us act in ways we would never dream of normally 💙

@mytwistedsoul

i've lost my voice too. T-T oh well, i'll survive. lol. 💙 i'm just distracting myself with sad dramas and shows and talking weird stuff on here. beep. what you up to? how ya doing?

@amiableBunny4016 Could you have strained them? If you were screaming alot? It sucks when that happens though 😕 Maybe you could have some ice chips or something? I haven't been up to much tbh. Mostly just keeping to myself and trying to stay out of trouble

Thank you for asking 💙

@mytwistedsoul

oh well.. its over now. idk. i give up on people here at this point. but you barely get into trouble soul friend :( 💙 you always so kind and lovely! *sends hugs if okay* 

@amiableBunny4016 Tbh I realized that about here recently too. A lot of people have proven my point on something that I said a while back. Yeah I don't worry to much about getting in trouble here. It's more - real life darker thoughts type trouble

*gladly accepts hugs and sends some back to you 💙 💙 

@mytwistedsoul

i don't quiet understand soul but it sounds like things on here been difficult, i know the rules on here and some people on here are a bit rude/tough. 💙 yeah, i understand, sometimes it gets too much we dont even care. i'm sorry dark thoughts coming back 💙 i understand it can bring up difficult thoughts and emotions. 💙 *sits with you*

@amiableBunny4016 It's ok. It's probably best if I don't try to explain either. Past experiences have shown me it never goes well when I try to talk about things 😅 Or it just makes people look alittle silly as they try to prove you wrong

@mytwistedsoul

yeah, i understand sometimes talking about it causes misunderstandings and chaos, or makes it alot worse 💙 you know, at least your here soul. i know it takes alot of energy, and alot of proving to people that you are a good person and so much overthinking to be part of a community like this or society in general 💙 its alot to take in, and so many rules and guidelines and sometimes unfair events occur. and it gets too much :(

i'm really proud of you friend, for surviving it all. it sounds cringy, i know! because no one ever congratulates or gives us awards for surviving 💙 your feelings are valid.

if you need someone's company, or someone's presence, or comfort, i will be here friend 💙 and I know i dont have to but i want to. and yes, i can give you space if you want it or need it 💙 life has not been easy for you, and its super hard being in such a dark place, but idk, there are points where we just get used to it. 💙 it sounds like these thoughts are always lingering in the air, and following you, it can sound appealing to us sometimes.  (relatable) 

but in the meantime,  if you ever wanna talk about anything i'm here for you, and i'm sure so many other people would love to listen to you friend. 💙 i know it sounds weird, and almost unfamilar at this time, because we often have that fear of being judged or misunderstood. sometimes we just need a shoulder to lean on, and to let out emotions/feelings. and if it helps talking to me, i'm happy to sit here with you.  if not, i hope and pray you find someone that can comfort you and I hope things get better for you friend, because you deserve so much more than you can ever imagine.

you are someone i look up to most soul 💙 you have made such a difference in my life. 

Bunny :)

@amiableBunny4016  I'm not sure what to say. This is so incredibly sweet - thank you 💙 There are things I think but won't say because it would hurt others. There are things I think but can't say because we're not allowed to talk about them here and even though I understand why we can't - it would be nice to be able to talk with people we know - ya know?

You might be surprised to know that there aren't many people here who've offered me what you just did - to listen and be there. Sometimes I think people try but idk - it's hard to explain. I'm also aware that others are struggling with their own things and I don't like to add my stuff to things they're dealing with

@mytwistedsoul

sorry for the late reply. bunny's device died and bunny got distracted. 💙 

We live in such a strange world soul, seems like we are all alone somehow. We get caught up in such tangles as a kid (or at least for most of us) and then growing up and all this trauma and crazy-ness and in the end we still feel alone. There are so many people, yet its difficult to even trust anyone or lean on anyone 💙 I understand that feeling friend, sometimes its difficult to share things because we don't want to offend or hurt anyone and stuff :( its hard when there is only so much restrictions on what you can talk about and then we feel there are lots of things we cannot share friend 💙

you offered me every piece of your trust and care, and you never expected anything back. you never asked anything from me, or made me feel bad or terrible or anything 💙 And it breaks my heart to think that in those times, when i was in pain and you offered your support not many people were there to offer it to you 💙 it breaks me. 

i hear you friend. i see you. i feel you. 💙 you are so thoughtful and selfless to be caring about others and to be offering such beautiful support. you have a unique way of doing such things and so much understanding of struggles 💙 

but you also matter friend. your mind might not convince you of such but trust me.... your body is fighting for you. 💙  your heart beats and pumps blood for a reason, to keep you alive. 💙 and i'm so proud of you for coming this far.

When you need them most, they are not there. but from now on, i will try my best to give them to you. 💙  Honestly, i might sound like a crazy 15 year old unsure of what to do with her life, and i might not have the same experiences as you do or the same understanding, but i can give you company and try to understand 💙  because thats what i'm here for. not to just seek support friend.

and i will pray for you and hope you find someone, even if its not me. i hope you find someone you can confide in and talk to, and feel peace in yourself. 💙  because trust me.... you mean the world to me.

Bunny :)

@amiableBunny4016 I get distracted all the time lol It happens - life happens

@mytwistedsoul

There is never too much or too little to dump in this space, because its not mine soul. 💙 strangely enough it is called amiablebunny4016's space, but this space is for us. Its for talking and being silly, and venting and being ourselves. Talk about anything. honestly, i would love to hear you. 💙 No pressure though to share anything you don't want to, you are yourself and only you can decide what you want to talk about 💙

Well, people are almost like clouds friend. 💙 Weirdly enough, I could never come up with a good analogy for it other than my weird spider analogy. People pass like clouds, some stay for longer and some pass by and walk past us, leave us. 💙 Its hurtful to think it was our fault, it puts pain in our mind and sometimes we just end up overthinking if we did anything wrong. But you know? The people that hurt you or left you, for something else or for their own benefit, have just made a huge loss. 💙 just imagine the loss they have made by leaving you. Leaving this caring, bright human being who has so much wisdom 💙 they are missing out on alot. hey? trust me... you might not see it. but i dont know what i would have done without you 💙

i know soul 💙 i know you don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel bad, i can see it through how you talk to people and how gentle you are 💙 and you know it too friend. embrace it. its a beautiful thing to be able to have, to have empathy and understanding 💙 and just being kind is an accomplishment in its own thing!

its hard living in a world feeling unheard and alone, its hard trying to support others and being kind as well as juggling with your own emotions and feelings. and you might not believe me when i say this... just give it a little bit of time... and you will bloom too 💙 like flowers do during the summer. You will find someone to confide in one day, you will discover new things and have new experiences, and... i hope you find your people. the people that treat you with respect and kindness. 

 i mean look how far you made it.... 5 years.. 10 years..... 15 years....18 years.... and even more years and you survived soul. you made it to this day. and i am so grateful for that 💙

i know friend 💙 at my age we are still discovering the world and I might not have the same understanding of the world as you do. But I will try my best, to be here for you and be a shoulder to lean on. i'm just a tag away friend. 

Lots of love to you too 💙 

your friend - bunny :)

@mytwistedsoul

people step over me, because they see something inside of me, they see something in my suffering, that makes it easier for me to feel small. they see, that i'm broken and small. so they do it. :')  sometimes flowers grow to be beautiful, but some flowers grow thorns. my thorns were just the way to protect myself. the panic attacks, the snappy bunny, the angry bunny, the emotional bunny... it was just a way to keep my gaurd up and protect myself. 

i dont think i'm meant to understand any of this *** anymore

@amiableBunny4016

what's happened bun? :( 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

nothing... just stuff. a bit stressed out.

@amiableBunny4016

*sending hugs if okay* does bunny friend wanna talk about it, if comfy? 💜 *no pressure* 

@amiableBunny4016 Hope it's ok to put this down here. The messages are shifting too far to the side 😕

Sorry I didn't mean to take so long to reply. Thank you for such a thoughtful and sweet message 💙

This reminds me of a poem. Reason Season Lifetime. How people come into our lives. On some level I DO know this. I guess I just wish I knew where they fit in the beginning because then it might not be so painful when they have to leave. That would make it too easy though I guess 😕 

I think sometimes we get so caught up in the fake it to make it that on days when reality hits it hits like a ton of bricks

My father dying hit harder than I thought it would. I hated him but loved him too. When we reconnected I thought - no - I hoped to get to know him better that we'd get closer and I would have at least one member of my family in my life. Realistically I know it wasn't his idea to die but in many ways it feels like abandonment all over again

I've often end up putting trust in the wrong people. So I hesitate to share anything lately. The listener I have gives me fluff. I think she means well but I usually just end up agreeing - smile and nod and say thank you

There are days when it's hard to be kind and understanding. Those are days I usually keep to myself. Because under the surface there's a lot of anger and I know all too well the effect words can have. Idk I think maybe my blooming days are done. Some days I'm ok with that