amiableBunny4016 Member Profile

Raw and Reflective Thoughts - An Apology

Trauma Support / by amiableBunny4016

September 30th

...See more Hey, Fun seeing you here. Whoever is passing by. Hope your doing well. You probably don't know me but your welcome here. If you know me, hey! nice seeing you again. This is just another update... raw thoughts i have. <3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back then, nothing was the same. i was careless. i didn't care about myself. i didn't listen to my own voice. The only thing i listened to was the demons in my head. They lingered in places, and i let them have a place in my head. They lived there. To eat up all the pieces of self respect and care i had left. For my mind to rot from within. Its not the bricks and stones that make a home strong, its the love and warmth you put in to that home. Because then its just a house isn't it? My tears were drying, yet the 4 walls I hid in listened to my screams. Endured my pain for me. Safety. Its all you ever look for. Walking into the door of my own home was painful, because I looked and no one was there. No one was there to greet me. Or love me. Or see me. I couldn't care less about my health or the state I was in..I had lost a place in anyone's heart. My home was chaos. Abusive. I just wanted peace. I wanted some sort of peace to overcome me. And everywhere I looked, I wanted it to all end. I wanted it to be over. Everywhere I looked seemed empty. Like everything I looked into just looked back at me. Nothing is how its supposed to be. It haunted my mind every minute. And however traumatised I became I didn't understand anything. I truly didn't. For the first time in my life i felt like putting my gaurd down when my whole life I only learnt to keep my gaurd up and not trust anyone. My whole life, I just wanted to be able to get up on my own so when I feel into the trap again I would be able to get back up without anyone helping me. Because there was no one there. It was just me. And forgive me, But i didn't care about anyone else. My heart was filled with envy and anger. When other people got something, I would become frustrated. When other people said something, I snapped. When other people discussed, i interrupted. I was stubborn. I always said no. I didn't understand what love meant anymore, it had no meaning to me. I argued with people so much. Telling people it didn't exist. Telling people that it was all a dellusion and a mistake. Telling people that no one cared and nothing would get better. I guess till today, I still don't know if what people told me was true. i always looked for someone to change my mind. But every time someone tried, I would loose it all. I would become angry. And it was my fault. I know. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I forgived everyone but myself. I kept finding excuses for my wrong-doings. I was disillusioned. And so for anyone who tried to help me or support me, i'm sorry. I'm not doing this for sympathy from anyone, neither do I want you to create a place in your heart for me. I just want you to know, i'm so sorry and that it was all wrong. It wasn't meant to happen this way. Bunny.

For 15 Years

Trauma Support / by amiableBunny4016

August 28th

...See more hey, i hope your doing well, and if your not i'm proud of you for at least being here and making it this far and being alive. it takes alot to survive day by day.. idk if this is meant to be a vent or a rant.... or anything people want to call it. but i just need to lighten the burden in my heart.. -------------------------------------------------------------- for 15 years... for 15 years i kept falling in the same hole people kept digging like i was some sort they were digging my grave or something. for 15 years i dragged and pulled and did everything i could. for 15 years, i endured the *** abuse at home. wheather it was physically or mentally or emotionally. for 15 years people came in and out of my life and all i felt was alone because they found so much vulnerablity in a child like me. they found so much innocence. and used me like a piece of ***... you know... for 15 years the only thing i learnt to do was keep my gaurd up and protect myself from the people who were supposed to protect me. for 15 years, i tried to please my household but i had already left the hearts of everyone. i had already been a burden on everyone's shoulders. its not like i'm 5 years old anymore screaming for my mommy or daddy... i'm *** 15 years old. And no one can *** take care of me, i can't depend on anyone, i can't even forgive myself because my whole life i pleaded and begged for people's help but no one did anything about it. for 15 years i did anything i could to just get away from it all, for 15 years i hid behind everyone's smiles and lies just so i wouldn't feel suffocated in them yelling at me...... for 15 years, i felt like a burden on everyone's shoulders and just wanted to leave. i'm *** tired of it all. i survived *** 15 years just to hear the same old words people repeat in my ears. "it will all get better" and that i will grow up to be some old *** weird successful person and i would get away from all this ***, and that i can heal and ***. but all i ever see coming is the worse and more worse things. for 15 years, i forgived her so many times. i forgived everyone. yet they keep doing it to me.... i hate to blame anyone man...i hate blaming people. but you know... wrong is wrong. and right is right. i'm just a girl trying to somehow survive in a big scary world but no one gets it you know. no one understands me. i lived a life in fear of everyone hurting me... i didn't have anyone. i depended on myself. i had a little sibling to look after. i had to keep myself upright and keep myself strong for him... and just to survive another day. i didn't ask to come into this world man. why do i get blamed for it. i get it. i was a *** mistake and all. but if she really didn't want me i wish she had handed me over to someone else. i don't want to be strong, i just wanna be safe. i just wanna be safe. for 15 years i did everything i could.... i still live in this wreck. for how many more years will i crawl and run around and live in this disaster? screaming and pleading for help was of no use. the guilt. the fear. the shame. the grief. the emotions that run high every night screaming from nightmares and trying to cry silently so i don't get beaten the *** out of..... or yelled at. i can't even put words together to describe it all... i'm so tired of finding words for it. *** ***. ------ bunny.

Trauma - Healing and Growing Together

Trauma Support / by amiableBunny4016

July 1st

...See more There is a saying, that goes: “Everybody wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can’t have a rainbow, without a little rain” Trauma. A word we hear more or often in society today, the impacts, the misunderstandings, the stigmas, the facts, the science, the healing, the growth. It shapes us in so many ways. We all experience it at some point in our lives, we all have different stories and rocky paths we are still trying to cross, some of us are still on our journey to healing and seeking help. Trauma can happend at any age and how you react does not determine how much strength you have, it can depend on many other factors of your life. Many of us bare the pressure of society, hiding invisible scars and living in such events and circumstances can be so unpredictable. Life can take so many turns and it feels like the world has turned its back on us. It lingers beneath the surface everywhere we go, it floods our mind, and makes our heart race. It becomes our shadow at one point, following us everywhere we go, and there is no where to run or hide. But there has to be a way out somehow. Right? We all need someone to guide us, to show us a way, someone to lean on, a coping technique. We all need a helping hand at some point. In this post, I will talk about understanding trauma, and its potential effects as well as how to seek help and support. What is Trauma? Sometimes in life a stressful or scary event can occur which can have a really devastating impact on someone and may find it difficult to cope. This can be long term or short term and have significant effects on someone weather it be emotionally, physically or mentally. It is a result of a experience that can be difficult to emotionally or physically manage. Many events that happened in our lifetime can be extremely traumatic for some and everyone reacts to trauma differently. Not everyone will react or feel the same way about it. Examples of trauma can include loss of a loved one, physical or sexual abuse, childhood neglect, life threatening illnesses and so many more. There is so many ways and issues people experience in regards to trauma. Effects of Trauma When faced with a traumatic event, different people will be affected differently and can face many challenges. These challenges continue the influence our daily lives in various ways and understanding these effects can help us provide each other with support and help build empathy and understanding. Short Term Effects of Trauma: Short Term Effects can be immediate or quick reactions that people may experience in a time following a traumatic event. Examples of Short Term Effects include: Emotional responses such as fear, sadness, shock. Difficulties concentrating or finding it difficult to make decisions. Flashbacks or Intrusive Thoughts Changes in Behaviour, Eating Habits, Sleeping Patterns Long Term Effects: Long Term Effects are continuous mental, emotional , physical and behaviourial issues that can affect us for years, months or even for the rest of our lives. Examples Of Long Term Effects: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Anxiety and Depression Relationship and Social Problems Identity and Self Concept Dissociative Disorder The Importance of Seeking Support As humans we are social creatures, we depend on each other often for support and approval. We may think that we have to be strong, and that we can deal with it alone or we might feel its difficult to trust anyone and those feelings are valid and completely okay especially after a traumatic event. But sometimes it can be too much being alone in our own head, stuck in the prison of our mind. We all need a shoulder to lean on and cry on or someone to talk to to lighten the burden. At some point, there does come desperation and its okay to ask for help. Its okay, to be vulnerable and to struggle, or to make mistakes because thats what makes us human. You deserve the support you need, you deserve to feel heard and loved and cared for. You deserve to be here, and we can take this one step at a time slowly together. There is no rush and there is no pressure to get support from the people around you, so take your time. I know its difficult to accept help and support from other people at the moment, and you might feel helpless or desperate. But with time, things will slowly start to move forward if we put our minds to it. You have made it so far… 5 years… 10 years… 15 years… and so on. And you have survived and come this far. Your a flower waiting to bloom one day, just give it some time. Because without pain, there is no healing, no happiness, no realisations. I am so proud of you. Thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day! Bunny :)

happy birthday to me!

General Support / by amiableBunny4016

May 9th

You and Me - Poem by Bunny

Poetry / by amiableBunny4016

May 4th

...See more hi, TW///abuse, end of life./// this is a poem that i wrote because .... well... i'm near the end of my journey and sitting in this hospital knowing some day i might not wake up or something might happend to me. and .... well my own family failed to protect me, but abuse me. its just a really rough draft of a poem so dont judge.... so here it goes... You and Me - Bunny imagine if you... Opened the door to life, and i stepped inside it. Held me in your arms, and the fire in my heart was ignited. You whispered promises into my ears, and cleared all my fears. Or held my hand in the difficult times, and wiped away my tears. Showed me the world in a new light, and taught me how to fight. Loved me, because I would never stop loving you. But instead... you held the key, and i was the lock. you held the life, and i was the slave. you pulled the strings, and try as i might to close my eyes and convince myself it was all a nightmare just to save my love for you. but you can't wash away reality or it might just break you. you opened your heart, and i poured my love for you. every drop. every ounce. and I would do anything to take it away because my sins, once clean can never be washed away. I just hid behind your smiles and defended your empty lies. you break the heart, and it shatters to pieces. piece by piece. you poison the soul, and it rots and dies down. slowly. you lead the mind, and i was the prisoner to it. Convinced me with lies and cover it with a cover of promises and statements. like the one i hate the most. "I love you" - just the 3 words that we crave to hear most of our life, but your love hurts me. and when he left the world, you just found more reasons to hurt me. and as you fall, you drag me down with you and everyone else too. and now i'm near the end of this ever-lasting journey.... its not surprise you regret everything now so i don't reveal the disgusting truth before i go. in the midst of all humans, it was me. it was I you chose. your daughter. to beat and slam against the wall, and to throw across the room and let her fall. you always did the same thing. and if i was anything, i was just a useless doll to you. i loved you.

Eva, Bunny and Ni's Friendship Island🏝️

Friendship Support / by amiableBunny4016

3 days ago

a reflection on friendships ~ raw thoughts

Friendship Support / by amiableBunny4016

March 23rd

...See more hi friends, i hope your well 💛 and if your reading this, your existing. your hurting. your being. thank you for being. for existing. thank you for clinging on for one more day. so over the past 2 or 3 years, i have learnt alot about friendships. friendships are precious pieces of our life, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and someone to hug, someone to understand you and hear you, someone to be there, someone to laugh with you and joke around, and accept you. let you be yourself. as social creatures, we treasure these bonds, we cling on to them, we are dependent creatures. and frankly, it sucks to have friends sometimes, but sometimes its too hard to feel lonely too. that friend that was just there for you. and man..... my god.. it sucks when it all ends, when things go wrong, when misunderstandings happend, emotions get the best of us, thinking about things we shouldn't have said or done, things that hurt us, people that left us. you can only ponder on memories you made, and cry and feel emotions and wish it didnt happend. i spent most of my school years alone. i found it hard to make bonds with people, i found it hard to let myself be vulnerable to someone, to be open, because i refused to open my heart to someone. i didn't let them see my light, and they didn't see it either. i was a shy kid. but when i did make a friend over 2 years ago, i learnt what heartbreak was like with a stranger for the first time. she was so funny and caring, always made relatable jokes, she related to most things i was going through, she understood me, she loved me and i loved her. she defended me. she was just there. every time i was upset, she knew something was wrong. we always had an idea of how the other one of us was. and most importantly, i trusted her. she heard what i was going through, and i heard what she was going through. she cried for the first time in school. she said she had never cried in school before. so i held her hand and cried with her. it was beautiful. she put her head on my shoulder and we were sitting on a bench just staring at the beautiful world. but she became so burnt out, she started calling me names, she started making fun of me, calling me horrible things like idiot and *** and telling me most things that were wrong with me. i talked to her, but she said it was just a joke and so i laughed along with her. and i believed her. one day she even told my other friend in front of me, "she is so stupid and dumb" and "i love bullying her". confusion wrapped my heart like wrapping paper. but i kept quiet. i didn't stand up for myself because i thought i was less than her. and i thought she was above me. i loved her like nothing else. because no one else loved me, and i wanted to keep being loved. i couldn't let go even if it hurt. it sounds stupid but friendships are *** hard man, its so hard to understand someone without hurting them. and for the millionth time, it hurt to love someone. as humans, we cling on to each other, we want someone to be there for us, we need people. life is meaningless without people. we are strangers by face but friends by heart. it made me reflect and wonder if i could keep going.. but she continued. and i continued to let my self esteem fall. it didn't feel right. so i ended it. and i wished her the best. i didnt feel anger, or disappointment, or feel upset. we just made memories, and our time together ended. the childhood jokes we make about friendship like "best friends forever" were just our childhood imagination. friendships aren't forever, but memories are. and one day the bridge of life might bring us back together. but whatever the world thinks is right for me, wherever this life takes me, i love and cherish every friendship i made. i dont regret any inch of it. people come and go. and i guess thats life.... and its beautiful and i love it so much. its hard to be vulnerable and show someone your hurt and pain, its hard to be alone and in the dark, its hard to be yourself in a world that discourages you too, but even finding someone that makes you feel like human, could be the best gift in the world. letting people in is just as hard as letting them out. <3 Bunny

Any book reccomendations?

Reading & Writing / by amiableBunny4016

March 24th

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