Ramblings 3

I will save the boredom, still at the mercy of my darkest thoughts.

I am struggling with a different dilemma. I have made the first few introductory messages to a possible listener who was recommended to me by someone special here. I’m not sure about whether or not it is a beneficial thing for either of us.

I struggle with way too many things that I have tried to write down in my many writings here. I place my reality out in the open here, and anyone can read or not read. Anyone can ask anything of me as long as it’s not rooted in hate.

I feel like I’m starting all over again explaining myself, at a time when my memory is not reliable. This person hasn’t read any of my writings. My darkness is too much for most people.

What am I going to gain by following through with this?

As I lay here pretending to sleep

thoughts in my mind continue to race

never ending continual barrage of thoughts

bouncing around, to and fro

catching a complete one is a no go

so grasping strand or two is what I’m able

however concentration and focus is what I lack

summoning the internal strength to maintain my grasp

while I try and write it here before it all goes black.

Memory lapses and loss continue to join forces with the rest of my foes, severe depression has always been the leader

with social , emotional, performance, and failure anxieties , at its side. Over the years other issues joined the ranks, different phobias that I don’t remember their names, claustrophobia is a big one, fear of public speaking, fear of the public, fear of failure, self blame for anything that has to do with me. Major trust issues.

Even though I have been blessed with many people here who share their love , kindness, support, compassion and suggestions, and so much more. I still worry that I am going to do or say something accidentally to jeopardize that at any moment. My self blame and doubt cause me to scrutinize every word looking for anything that could possibly create that kind of thing. I know I am completely wrong for thinking that, but I lose that internal battle almost immediately.

The negative thoughts I write here are usually counteracted on by my friends. Once again I know they are right, but my self blame and doubt win the battle every time.

This self loathing segment has taken too long and I am drained.

Did you read some of Tiny's threads?

If you did - did you like to do it?

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️❤️❤️. SENDING YOU HUGS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE, WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS HAND IN HAND. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

@Tinywhisper11

Your health is priority, please don’t over exert yourself. As long as I know you are still fighting, that is enough to keep me going. 💕💕I love you, I will never let go of you. 💕💕

@Tinywhisper11

I wish I could type faster and with no mistakes to correct. I don’t want to lose this connection with you . I should figure out this thing with these pictures that you love to send, so I could send some back to you as well.❤️❤️💕

@Tinywhisper11

I actually am kind of feeling a little hungry, I haven’t felt hungry for several days. And the knot in my stomach is loosening up. ❤️❤️❤️❤️