Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Still struggling with the darkest of thoughts. The overall pain I am in is actually making me physically ill. I am assuming it’s the pain maybe it’s just my thoughts doing it. I don’t know.
other than that, life is grand.
I will save the boredom, still at the mercy of my darkest thoughts.
I am struggling with a different dilemma. I have made the first few introductory messages to a possible listener who was recommended to me by someone special here. I’m not sure about whether or not it is a beneficial thing for either of us.
I struggle with way too many things that I have tried to write down in my many writings here. I place my reality out in the open here, and anyone can read or not read. Anyone can ask anything of me as long as it’s not rooted in hate.
I feel like I’m starting all over again explaining myself, at a time when my memory is not reliable. This person hasn’t read any of my writings. My darkness is too much for most people.
What am I going to gain by following through with this?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Iam.
We know about your situation here. You have told that you saw a therapist when you were a teenager - something you didn't like because your mother let you go. But I wonder - have you seen a therapist the years after that - it seems like you have struggled so long (with many of the same things - not having light thoughts).
@Helgafy
I have seen numerous, I would say over a hundred different counselors, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists over the years. I have been in psychiatric hospitals probably 25 times.
All that and I am where I am.
Thank you
@Helgafy
I reread your message, I want to clarify one thing, the issue with the hospital and my mother was that she used me in the hospital and the reason I was there as a tool against her husband in their divorce.
Thank you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I remember you told.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Maybe this listener will be a friend to you.
As I lay here pretending to sleep
thoughts in my mind continue to race
never ending continual barrage of thoughts
bouncing around, to and fro
catching a complete one is a no go
so grasping strand or two is what I’m able
however concentration and focus is what I lack
summoning the internal strength to maintain my grasp
while I try and write it here before it all goes black.
Memory lapses and loss continue to join forces with the rest of my foes, severe depression has always been the leader
with social , emotional, performance, and failure anxieties , at its side. Over the years other issues joined the ranks, different phobias that I don’t remember their names, claustrophobia is a big one, fear of public speaking, fear of the public, fear of failure, self blame for anything that has to do with me. Major trust issues.
Even though I have been blessed with many people here who share their love , kindness, support, compassion and suggestions, and so much more. I still worry that I am going to do or say something accidentally to jeopardize that at any moment. My self blame and doubt cause me to scrutinize every word looking for anything that could possibly create that kind of thing. I know I am completely wrong for thinking that, but I lose that internal battle almost immediately.
The negative thoughts I write here are usually counteracted on by my friends. Once again I know they are right, but my self blame and doubt win the battle every time.
This self loathing segment has taken too long and I am drained.
Not that it matters but forced myself to take a quick shower, no improvement on cleaning capabilities or anything. Extremely painful as always. Still able to count the number of times in the last two months in the low single digits. I feel so gross.
Did you read some of Tiny's threads?
If you did - did you like to do it?
@Helgafy
I read a couple of them, but I stopped. For some reason it made this feelings I am experiencing regarding her hurt worse than I did before. I know she touched a lot of people. But seeing the evidence of how many people are missing her was too much for me.
Even though I know she is seriously ill and would never do so, I tried to push her not responding to me in the category that she just finally had an issue with my negativity and ended communicating with me. It was easier to think that then admit she is seriously ill and struggling with so much by herself. She has her caregivers and maybe they are her friends as well but she should have her friends there by her side. Not alone.
Reading those messages from others missing her made me feel a deep hurt that I don’t ever remember feeling.
I don’t regret reading them, I probably needed to see that , to see the truth.
Thank you, I truly do appreciate your suggesting for me to do that, it was a good idea, and if I had to go back to that point I would definitely read her writings again.
You are a wonderful friend.
@Tinywhisper11
❤️❤️❤️❤️. SENDING YOU HUGS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE, WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS HAND IN HAND. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
@Tinywhisper11
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️. Wonderful Hugs accepted ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Have I said I Love You lately?❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
How are you?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I love you more🙂❤ you just made me cry 🙂❤ I'm still very sick, but I'm still alive.
how did things go at the hospital appointment?? How are you feeling, have you been ok?
@Tinywhisper11
You are a true fighter. So many people here are worried about you. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I wish I was there with you in and not just in spirit. How are you feeling?
My appointment is in a couple of days. I’m doing the same as I was before. I’m so relieved to hear from you
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh I'm a couple of days, you must be getting quite anxious😕 do you have the travel all sorted out? Did you get your cheque through?? You've been on my mind everyday ❤ ❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11 people missed me?? Is that just you?? Cause of it is, I missed you more ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I strayed over to a thread or two of yours and it seems that more than a few people there posted many messages of concern. I was trying to see if anybody had heard anything from or about you.
The not knowing was devastating for me. I felt and still do feel so helpless, not being able to be there with you by your side 24/7. ❤️❤️❤️
@Tinywhisper11
Thursday morning around 5AM my time, someone should be picking me up. Check finally went through. You have been on mine as well. ❤️❤️I can feel your warm embrace ❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I really hope this goes well for you ❤ I've been nervous about it for you. Remember of you get scared at all, I'm holding your hand, just squeeze and I'll squeeze back ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Well Iam - I guess you have gone from the deepest deep to the highest high in being in contact with Tiny again. I wish you all the best for your examination of your back and leg tomorrow.
@Tinywhisper11
Your health is priority, please don’t over exert yourself. As long as I know you are still fighting, that is enough to keep me going. 💕💕I love you, I will never let go of you. 💕💕
@Iamwhoiamwhoami thanks sweetie ❤ we both are constantly battling in similar ways, but yes (queue titanic scene moment) ...
@Tinywhisper11 😂😂 we will always have each other ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I am eternally grateful to have been blessed with having you embedded in my heart.
I truly was lost without knowing how you were doing…..
It was terrifying for me , fearing the worst, we just found each other and the negative thoughts that overwhelm me took over and just made it so much worse.
Then the warmth came flooding over me with the first message you sent me a little while ago I literally just about passed out with relief.
❤️❤️❤️I love you ❤️❤️❤️
@Tinywhisper11
I wish I could type faster and with no mistakes to correct. I don’t want to lose this connection with you . I should figure out this thing with these pictures that you love to send, so I could send some back to you as well.❤️❤️💕
@Iamwhoiamwhoami we will never loose our connection ❤ not ever, not in heaven or on earth🙂❤ chosen family stays together always
@Tinywhisper11
I actually am kind of feeling a little hungry, I haven’t felt hungry for several days. And the knot in my stomach is loosening up. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yaaay! Go get yourself something nice to eat, and have one for me too. Liquid food is disgusting😝😝😝
@Tinywhisper11
I agree , liquid food whether it’s through a straw or an iv is very disgusting. Food for can wait, talking with you is more important right now.❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami next time if I dissapear it's either cause I'm just to week, but will try to check in as much as I can ❤
I'm normally paralysed from the waist down, but now my left side is paralysed too, I'm gonna have another spine surgery soon, hopefully they can sort that part out ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I understand, I’m not sure I won’t freak out again, but I understand. I will never let go, I just want to be there in person, sitting beside you, I am always thinking of you, I hope they figure it out really soon. I will try and be patient for you.
❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I will try to be here as much as possible ❤ you mean the world to me, I really love you. We will always be holding hands, and together we can get through everything. Now you go eat I'm gonna have to rest a little while ❤
