Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Well, I think “normalcy” is somewhat back, for now. At least on the depression front. The darkest of thoughts are resting I believe. Thoughts have resumed full speed in my head and the demolition derby seems to be the venue still.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I wish I could do this😁
Hi Iam.
This [day in which God has saved me] is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice
and be glad in it.
The things I wish for the most, something from somewhere that I can’t decipher where is contradicting that deep seeded want. That want has been another thing that is intertwined with my being. Something I have wanted to happen since childhood. Something that now , this hidden thing is corrupting. Enough so that it is like a hidden message, one that is just loud enough to be heard, But not found . Telling me that I don’t want that . But I do.
Confusing words, but I understand there meaning.
I am grasping the thoughts regarding things I really want but will never be lucky enough to experience and ?enjoy?.
It is a positive and warming thought. Yet when I realize the futility of these thoughts the spot that held them becomes sooo cold 🥶 cold enough that my entire body is shivering and can’t get warm.
It’s things like this that brings the thoughts regarding my being here and whether or not it is a true place for me. Unlike the majority of people in this community , I will never live in the light , never have close friends outside of here.
So , even though the wonderful people here that I am lucky enough to call friends regularly reinforce the belief of the true value of staying here, I am regularly led to believe otherwise by the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind.
So far my friends here have managed to fend off the deluge of negativity that I currently struggle with.
Nobody but me can see what I battle with internally, Nobody therefore cannot understand the intensity of those battles. But They all should understand the extent and the importance of my thankfulness and gratitude and appreciation to and for them.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
When did these battles begin?
@Helgafy
Nice to hear from you again. How are you??
As far as the battles I struggle with and when they began? As a young child I started having these internal issues, the same timeframe that I first attempted to end it.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
"attempted to end it". You tried to hush the battles inside you? I think it is very rare that children get these (dark? - hard?) battles inside - is it not? (I don't have children).
@Helgafy
Yes , that is what I tried to do. I believe that there are multitudes of young children who struggle and those thoughts cross their minds, some like me have it grab hold and never let go.
Of course there are multitudes of children who never experience anything like that.
Mine was rooted in the fact I was molested by my sperm donor of a father , it did the same to my sisters.
So , my confusion and my self worth were in turmoil at a very young age.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I'm really, really sorry to hear that.
@Helgafy
Thank you but you have nothing to apologize for.
I am thankful for you and the others like Blue and Tiny and Twistedsoul who brave the negativity and reach out and ask questions. Who try and support me .
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Well - I really have nothing to say - except that your a son of the most high God and he loves you - but I know it can be difficult for you to feel his love when you didn't feel your earthly fathers love.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Can you ever forgive your father - not for his sake, but for yours?
@Helgafy
I honestly don’t know anymore. I need to find and forgive/love myself before anything like that could ever possibly happen. I know that is not Gods will, but I am not a religious person, I don’t know what I believe. I welcome anyone’s prayers and/or blessings. I fully respect and accept others beliefs.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
That's OK - I guess you don't see him often so the distance to him will probably do you good. And yes - I hope you can find love for yourself. I guess you don't need to forgive yourself if you don't know that you have done something wrong. Did your mother give you value (love) you think?
@Helgafy
Sorry for the delay,
I actually haven’t seen or talked him for near 40 years
That goes the same for the rest of my “family “. I came from a broken, separated and just plain miserable family.
there were more than ten years between me and my youngest sister. So they already “dealt “ with things their own way, my mother, I think was broken and lost, I was just the child she was waiting to grow up and get out, I don’t think she wished me ill will, she was just struggling herself and was not able to help me. There was too much drama and I made a decision those many years ago and I have made the mistake of looking back a time or two, but I have never went back nor do I have any regrets about that decision.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami @Helgafy
" you have to be strong to be able to forgive and forget" But I don't believe that, sometimes your a stronger person to not forgive and forget. ❤
with all of the issues I struggle with, and combined with a brain that behaves like mine. I have a tendency to wonder if I am losing my sanity. I don’t know what the definition is or the qualities that would put me in that category. I’m pretty sure that I am not, but I know that my mentality has been pushed in every direction repeatedly for so long that it can’t continue to exist as a whole for much longer…can it??
If there ever was anyone brave enough to actually read everything I have written here. They would realize that I may be a bit, well maybe a lot screwy in the head but I was right that I was past the point of no possibility of making it into the light.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope someday you ((standing in the daylight)) get to prove yourself wrong here
@BlueDarkAurora
To an extent I hope you are right and that happens, on the flip side of that is I have spent a lifetime in the darkness, I have adapted, yes I am still struggling and currently flailing about. But I truly wonder if being brought into the light would in short order, blind me and the warmth would be too much for me to handle.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
"brought into the light would in short order, blind me and the warmth would be too much for me to handle." - you are not talking about the physical light and warmth from the sun - are you? (lol - you have 2 persons to answer their questions now).
@Helgafy the sun feels nice ^-^
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I believe not ^^ Being in the darkness for so long gives a false sense of knowing, a false sense of belonging. We only realise how much we needed the light once we are outside. The darkness wasn't able to take away the light of kindness from you and so take that as a proof that you'll be just fine.
You must tell when I have made a big whole in your head with all my asking and go to rest.
Iam - I think I have to take a rest now. Thank you for talking!
@Helgafy
I apologize again for the delay, I had one delivery of two show up and the physical pain of bringing it sll in the house took it all out of me and I fell asleep as soon as I fell down into bed. Now I have the second delivery of 5 larger boxes that I need to go outside and bring in.
I hope you have a peaceful and pleasant rest.
I have definitely not gotten used to the pain, I think I was just behaving myself and not doing much to aggravate it. I have ticked it off massively. I had a couple of different deliveries dropped off today. The first one was supposed to notify when they left the store and they didn’t. They unloaded everything outside without even letting me now they were here. For whatever reason I didn’t hear them. So I had quite a few trips up and down the steps then putting the stuff away in the freezer which is in the back of the house. Needless to say, I did lay down a few times for a couple minutes to ease the pain. But after that was done I laid down and literally passed out from the pain. I wake up a bit later and my second delivery had arrived, five large/extra large boxes, that due to size were sitting about halfway to my mailbox. I had to lay down a few times in the process but finally got them in.
I’m so popular with the neighbors they just drive on by while I am struggling. Not that I expect them to do anything but I do know most of them go to church regularly and well I guess helping those in need is no longer taught.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙁 it seems to be that everywhere, people just don't seem to care about anyone else, it's sad. But their are many good people to ❤❤ just hold on to the goodness you see in some people ❤❤
Granted that the secondary delivery was one probably something not necessarily needed right now , I wanted to be a little bit better prepared in case a move is forced upon me following the probable upcoming back surgery. I ordered a few (10) 27 gallon totes which was what showed up this afternoon . Then I also have (10) 17 gallon totes coming next week.
Those definitely were a major battle to get in the house.
The earlier delivery was another grocery delivery, a lot of Mountain Dew and a few other items. The dew was the extreme pain . I think it was (10) 12 packs of bottles so 10 trips since I am getting to be extremely weak and minimal weight carrying is painful. The weight of 12 bottles and trying to make it up and down a few steps repeatedly definitely ticks off my pain.
So , I brought it upon myself as far as the double whammy of pain , unfortunately the timing was not that far apart.
So , there we go, I have managed another rambling about my pain.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami what is a tote??
@Tinywhisper11
It is a plastic storage container, the ones I bought were ones with a removable lid.