Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
It would be nice to be able to come here and be all sunshine and roses. To show some progress to those who have stayed the course with me.
To be able to share positive thoughts and support.
I know this is only a fantasy but still….. it would be nice.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami but you did share some rainbow and sunshine:O look at all the deliveries you were able to get in all by yourself :) You managed to do a difficult task.
@BlueDarkAurora
Thank you, I suppose it was. It would be nice if my brain registered it as such. My brain only registers my failure to bring it all in without whining about the pain, just get it done. Like I always have. I think deep down I may know that what you’re saying is true.
The brain really grasped onto the fact that it was two rounds of this and I was in extreme pain for hours after. My inability to complete tasks, and letting pain impede my efforts is not something I have ever let happen. I couldn’t because I only have myself to count on, and now I barely have that. My brain is not comprehending that reality too well.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to see what you see and accept those kinds of things as positives and not allowing my brain to twist everything to fit its negative narrative.
I did it again, I took a simple positive thing that you said about me and I let my brain twist it all up.
I am tempted to erase this complete response and make it what it should be. No, I am making sure I keep it honest and true. So it stays.
I will end it simple though.
Thank you, I someday will hopefully see what you see. From the perspective of the light and not the darkness.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Honest and truth is what it should be, your space is for you to express yourself without having to think about sounding positive for the sake of others (others being me xD) ^-^
@BlueDarkAurora
It may have started as “my” space, but once someone else enters it with kindness, it becomes our space. Our space includes all those who enter with kindness.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami A space for all the kind people :D
@BluDarkAurora
I hope you continue to support me and share your love and kindness.
When I write I let my brain lead, I only modify for some wording (possible triggers, that kind of thing, autocorrect issues, that I miss regularly, hopefully spelling)
I try to leave as much as possible as my brain sees things.
This is where the ramblings come into play. Responses to messages like yours that the normal person would respond with a simple sentence or two Not me, I let my brain?analyze? Not sure if that’s the correct word for this , but analyze everything and respond accordingly.
Right now, with my current situation/condition, these types of observations that are relayed to me, I am able to try and force into my thinking and try and see what you see. Maybe someday that will amount to something.
So please try and continue to be my friend and continue with your thoughts and kindness.
Thank you fot being you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Forming such kind of positive thoughts or kindness for our own self can be very difficult and also the reason why I try to be supportive in this community, hoping some of the words I share would reach me as well ^^
Many times the external circumstances are not in our control and so I believe turning to our thoughts and how they make us feel is very important when feeling overwhelmed. I've been in the state of "I'll think of the light once I'm in the light" but then that leads to just more despair cause that's more of a constant realisation of what we don't have, same goes with toxic positivity. I think it's important to find the balance in what we feed our brain. The mental health matters a lot and the good thing is we can control it with constant efforts. I read somewhere that the mental diet is something that has to go on forever, it's a constant conscious choice of what we let ourselves believe.
@amiablePeace77
Hopefully I spelled that correctly, its been a minute.
I am sure you receive a never ending stream of messages. So I will keep this fairly brief.
If I am remembering correctly, After I first came here, or maybe it was when I started writing here somewhat regularly. I think you were one of the first to reach out to me , and I am pretty sure that even with everything that it seems you’ve taken on here , you have managed to pop in here and there and reach out . I am extremely grateful and thankful to and for you. You’re kindness and support means a lot to me. I may live in the darkness but you were one of the first to make an impression on me. Thank you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Thank you for these kind words of appreciation Iamwhoiamwhoami. Sending you comforting beams! 💙
@amiablePeace77 yep Ami is the most loveliest person evvvverrr ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
hugs tightly back 😀
Ever been in that zone that laying there with the fan blowing on you and you’re too cold, turn the fan off and you’re too warm?
I don’t have a fever or anything, just struggling with lingering pain from over exertion.
I would take some advil or something but with meds I am on I was warned about acetaminophen meds because of what I am currently taking. Between the too warm too cold I am not sure about warm/cold or cool compress , basically a damp towel on forehead. Any ideas?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh your having issues keeping your body at a good temperature😕 that's one thing I struggle with alot. How to deal with it, I don't know I have a fan on my bedside table, and blankets. All you can do is drink hot tea, and watch you ain't coming down with a cold or something🙂 you'll be ok ❤
yeah that wasn't much help there, I was doing a you, rambling😁😁😁
You are rambling from a place of love and concern. I periodically do have that temperature issue. That particular body temperature that a fan makes me shiver and blankets make me sweaty and uncomfortable. And laying without either is miserable. And that turns into that sick but not sick to the stomach feeling.
As much as I would love to say I love tea, I am not a tea drinker. I’m an individual who has some of the worst eating habits when in involves the healthy aspects of it.
I am somewhat better than I used to be but far from nutritious.
Long days, even longer nights. No regular sleep schedule. Absolutely no real schedule at all. Just every six hours, taking some pills.
Before this latest issue, I was basically bedridden when I wasn’t working, but I usually work a lot of hours . But on my off hours between severe depression and my other issues, I stayed in bed the majority of the time. I believe I wrote this all in my earlier writings. Two major differences between them and now. One, as many hours on the job gave distractions from my issues. Two , even wanting to do nothing I was capable of going to the garage and tinker about, straightening up or whatever. Every little thing didn’t make me cry out in agony.
@Tinywjisper11
💕💕Hugs and I Love You 💕 💕
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I love you more ❤ get ready for it...
Woke up after not sure how long. But by the way my pain is feeling and sick to my stomach feeling I missed my pain medication dose at midnight . Tried to wait a bit longer to see. If I could make it to the next dose, but the symptoms are getting worse so took a pill.
There have been a few questions asked of me recently that somehow have triggered memories, These memories I am confident of being completely true, they are very detailed and span a lot of years. I have a feeling that the other things I have remembered to be true as well just those were of singular points in time.
My ramblings have been voluntarily let loose in these responses to questions that trigger these memories because I feel I need to write them down before they are gone forever.
Unfortunately, the person who asks those questions may get a long detailed response with too much information, which is not out of the ordinary for me . And I think my regular ramblings are for similar reasons as well.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it won't let me ❤ your comments again 🙁 but I am reading ❤
@BlueDarkAurora
If you are ever willing to share any or all of your story or just want or need a different place to vent or anything, I invite you to please come here anytime to do so.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami see this is the kindness in you that we all keep talking about. You've got so much going on and yet you're willing to offer a complete stranger support and a space to talk ^-^
What I wanted to say from that was that I do understand the struggles of a negative mind and the efforts of trying to hold on to any bit of positive available. We all who come here don't know the true extent of your struggles or what you are going through but we all have empathy for you cause we understand.
I am one of those “grinches” that dies not participates in any holidays or celebrations I despise my own birthday. It only reminds me of how long this has went on it all continues to go downhill.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami birthdays are difficult ^^' but they don't have to be, they can just be any other day or they can also be a day for you to celebrate you, no reason needed to celebrate yourself. We put so much guilt, blame and anger on ourselves and most times without any valid reason, so why not celebrate ourselves without needing a reason why :D
@BlueDarkAurora
Maybe someday…. Just maybe…
@Iamwhoiamwhoami someday soon ^-^
@DarkBlueAurora
I suppose that could be possible?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Dark blue xD
Yes ^-^
@BlueDarkAurora
I’m so sorry for that, I mess up so much of my typing and spend a lot of time correcting, yet the most difficult thing is typing everybody’s names in on every response . My focus gets goofy typing them in. I didn’t catch that one.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami please don't be ^-^ I find it funny xD dark blue, it's like you're saying it how it should be while I was trying to be cool with the blue dark. All good :) you write well and we all suffer from the wrath of typos :p
Thank you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami @BlueDarkAurora
Till a few years ago I didn't realise people had birthdays or celebrated them. I never knew about xmas, Halloween Easter didn't know any holidays existed. So I told myself when I learned more about celebrations, that I'm gonna celebrate everything I possibly can from them on😁 I buy myself toys (scaletrix, or train tracks, remote control card and helicopters. Just fun things so I can celebrate even on my own😁❤
@BlueDarkAurora that's what I do😁🎈🎈🎈
❤️❤️❤️If I was there beside you I would celebrate with you ❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤❤🙂
What would you but me for a present???
I'd buy you🤔🤔 a easy access (for wheelchairs) ground floor log cabin in the woods, next to mine😁oooo! Ooo! I would buy you some walkie talkies 😁so we can talk to each other from our cabins😁😎
@Tinywhisper11
I would spend as much time with you as possible, maybe even exploring the world with you and learning what you want that would mean the most to you, something (that could be bought or attained) and give you that item. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to settle on the perfect gift.
❤️❤️Truly, what do you buy for an angel ❤️❤️
What is it about happiness that lures the masses? I have managed to still be breathing after a lifetime of not being in such a place. I mean, really, why would anyone want to be happy and enjoy life? To enjoy the company of others. I mean c’mon , wanting to be able to express love and feel the love of others? That is just utter nonsense.
And another attribute that I have and am able to express…. Sarcasm.
