Ramblings 3

Iam - I think I have to take a rest now. Thank you for talking!

@Helgafy

I apologize again for the delay, I had one delivery of two show up and the physical pain of bringing it sll in the house took it all out of me and I fell asleep as soon as I fell down into bed. Now I have the second delivery of 5 larger boxes that I need to go outside and bring in.

I hope you have a peaceful and pleasant rest.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm sorry sweetie I have to lie down for a while, I'll be back as soon as I can ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤

❤️❤️Gentle hugs and I love you ❤️❤️

I have definitely not gotten used to the pain, I think I was just behaving myself and not doing much to aggravate it. I have ticked it off massively. I had a couple of different deliveries dropped off today. The first one was supposed to notify when they left the store and they didn’t. They unloaded everything outside without even letting me now they were here. For whatever reason I didn’t hear them. So I had quite a few trips up and down the steps then putting the stuff away in the freezer which is in the back of the house. Needless to say, I did lay down a few times for a couple minutes to ease the pain. But after that was done I laid down and literally passed out from the pain. I wake up a bit later and my second delivery had arrived, five large/extra large boxes, that due to size were sitting about halfway to my mailbox. I had to lay down a few times in the process but finally got them in.

I’m so popular with the neighbors they just drive on by while I am struggling. Not that I expect them to do anything but I do know most of them go to church regularly and well I guess helping those in need is no longer taught.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙁 it seems to be that everywhere, people just don't seem to care about anyone else, it's sad. But their are many good people to ❤❤ just hold on to the goodness you see in some people ❤❤

Granted that the secondary delivery was one probably something not necessarily needed right now , I wanted to be a little bit better prepared in case a move is forced upon me following the probable upcoming back surgery. I ordered a few (10) 27 gallon totes which was what showed up this afternoon . Then I also have (10) 17 gallon totes coming next week.

Those definitely were a major battle to get in the house.

The earlier delivery was another grocery delivery, a lot of Mountain Dew and a few other items. The dew was the extreme pain . I think it was (10) 12 packs of bottles so 10 trips since I am getting to be extremely weak and minimal weight carrying is painful. The weight of 12 bottles and trying to make it up and down a few steps repeatedly definitely ticks off my pain.

So , I brought it upon myself as far as the double whammy of pain , unfortunately the timing was not that far apart.

So , there we go, I have managed another rambling about my pain.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami what is a tote??

@Tinywhisper11

It is a plastic storage container, the ones I bought were ones with a removable lid.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh ok ❤ thanks for explaining it to me ❤

If I could figure out how to do it I could include a picture of one of them if that would help ❤️❤️

It would be nice to be able to come here and be all sunshine and roses. To show some progress to those who have stayed the course with me.

To be able to share positive thoughts and support.

I know this is only a fantasy but still….. it would be nice.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami but you did share some rainbow and sunshine:O look at all the deliveries you were able to get in all by yourself :) You managed to do a difficult task. 

@BlueDarkAurora

Thank you, I suppose it was. It would be nice if my brain registered it as such. My brain only registers my failure to bring it all in without whining about the pain, just get it done. Like I always have. I think deep down I may know that what you’re saying is true.

The brain really grasped onto the fact that it was two rounds of this and I was in extreme pain for hours after. My inability to complete tasks, and letting pain impede my efforts is not something I have ever let happen. I couldn’t because I only have myself to count on, and now I barely have that. My brain is not comprehending that reality too well.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to see what you see and accept those kinds of things as positives and not allowing my brain to twist everything to fit its negative narrative.

I did it again, I took a simple positive thing that you said about me and I let my brain twist it all up.

I am tempted to erase this complete response and make it what it should be. No, I am making sure I keep it honest and true. So it stays.

I will end it simple though.

Thank you, I someday will hopefully see what you see. From the perspective of the light and not the darkness.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Honest and truth is what it should be, your space is for you to express yourself without having to think about sounding positive for the sake of others (others being me xD) ^-^

@BlueDarkAurora

It may have started as “my” space, but once someone else enters it with kindness, it becomes our space. Our space includes all those who enter with kindness.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami A space for all the kind people :D 

@BluDarkAurora

I hope you continue to support me and share your love and kindness.

When I write I let my brain lead, I only modify for some wording (possible triggers, that kind of thing, autocorrect issues, that I miss regularly, hopefully spelling)

I try to leave as much as possible as my brain sees things.

This is where the ramblings come into play. Responses to messages like yours that the normal person would respond with a simple sentence or two Not me, I let my brain?analyze? Not sure if that’s the correct word for this , but analyze everything and respond accordingly.

Right now, with my current situation/condition, these types of observations that are relayed to me, I am able to try and force into my thinking and try and see what you see. Maybe someday that will amount to something.

So please try and continue to be my friend and continue with your thoughts and kindness.

Thank you fot being you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Forming such kind of positive thoughts or kindness for our own self can be very difficult and also the reason why I try to be supportive in this community, hoping some of the words I share would reach me as well ^^ 

Many times the external circumstances are not in our control and so I believe turning to our thoughts and how they make us feel is very important when feeling overwhelmed. I've been in the state of "I'll think of the light once I'm in the light" but then that leads to just more despair cause that's more of a constant realisation of what we don't have, same goes with toxic positivity. I think it's important to find the balance in what we feed our brain. The mental health matters a lot and the good thing is we can control it with constant efforts. I read somewhere that the mental diet is something that has to go on forever, it's a constant conscious choice of what we let ourselves believe. 

Definitely food for thought, I have read through this a couple of times and my brain is not fully comprehending it at the moment so I will try and come back later and read through it again

thank you.

@amiablePeace77

Hopefully I spelled that correctly, its been a minute.

I am sure you receive a never ending stream of messages. So I will keep this fairly brief.

If I am remembering correctly, After I first came here, or maybe it was when I started writing here somewhat regularly. I think you were one of the first to reach out to me , and I am pretty sure that even with everything that it seems you’ve taken on here , you have managed to pop in here and there and reach out . I am extremely grateful and thankful to and for you. You’re kindness and support means a lot to me. I may live in the darkness but you were one of the first to make an impression on me. Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Thank you for these kind words of appreciation Iamwhoiamwhoami. Sending you comforting beams! 💙

@amiablePeace77 yep Ami is the most loveliest person evvvverrr ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

hugs tightly back 😀

Ever been in that zone that laying there with the fan blowing on you and you’re too cold, turn the fan off and you’re too warm?

I don’t have a fever or anything, just struggling with lingering pain from over exertion.

I would take some advil or something but with meds I am on I was warned about acetaminophen meds because of what I am currently taking. Between the too warm too cold I am not sure about warm/cold or cool compress , basically a damp towel on forehead. Any ideas?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh your having issues keeping your body at a good temperature😕 that's one thing I struggle with alot. How to deal with it, I don't know I have a fan on my bedside table, and blankets. All you can do is drink hot tea, and watch you ain't coming down with a cold or something🙂 you'll be ok ❤

yeah that wasn't much help there, I was doing a you, rambling😁😁😁

You are rambling from a place of love and concern. I periodically do have that temperature issue. That particular body temperature that a fan makes me shiver and blankets make me sweaty and uncomfortable. And laying without either is miserable. And that turns into that sick but not sick to the stomach feeling.

As much as I would love to say I love tea, I am not a tea drinker. I’m an individual who has some of the worst eating habits when in involves the healthy aspects of it.

I am somewhat better than I used to be but far from nutritious.

Long days, even longer nights. No regular sleep schedule. Absolutely no real schedule at all. Just every six hours, taking some pills.

Before this latest issue, I was basically bedridden when I wasn’t working, but I usually work a lot of hours . But on my off hours between severe depression and my other issues, I stayed in bed the majority of the time. I believe I wrote this all in my earlier writings. Two major differences between them and now. One, as many hours on the job gave distractions from my issues. Two , even wanting to do nothing I was capable of going to the garage and tinker about, straightening up or whatever. Every little thing didn’t make me cry out in agony.

@Tinywjisper11

💕💕Hugs and I Love You 💕 💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I love you more ❤ get ready for it...

Woke up after not sure how long. But by the way my pain is feeling and sick to my stomach feeling I missed my pain medication dose at midnight . Tried to wait a bit longer to see. If I could make it to the next dose, but the symptoms are getting worse so took a pill.

There have been a few questions asked of me recently that somehow have triggered memories, These memories I am confident of being completely true, they are very detailed and span a lot of years. I have a feeling that the other things I have remembered to be true as well just those were of singular points in time.

My ramblings have been voluntarily let loose in these responses to questions that trigger these memories because I feel I need to write them down before they are gone forever.

Unfortunately, the person who asks those questions may get a long detailed response with too much information, which is not out of the ordinary for me . And I think my regular ramblings are for similar reasons as well.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it won't let me ❤ your comments again 🙁 but I am reading ❤

@BlueDarkAurora

If you are ever willing to share any or all of your story or just want or need a different place to vent or anything, I invite you to please come here anytime to do so.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami see this is the kindness in you that we all keep talking about. You've got so much going on and yet you're willing to offer a complete stranger support and a space to talk ^-^

What I wanted to say from that was that I do understand the struggles of a negative mind and the efforts of trying to hold on to any bit of positive available. We all who come here don't know the true extent of your struggles or what you are going through but we all have empathy for you cause we understand. 

And for that I will forever be grateful

I am one of those “grinches” that dies not participates in any holidays or celebrations I despise my own birthday. It only reminds me of how long this has went on it all continues to go downhill.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami birthdays are difficult ^^' but they don't have to be, they can just be any other day or they can also be a day for you to celebrate you, no reason needed to celebrate yourself. We put so much guilt, blame and anger on ourselves and most times without any valid reason, so why not celebrate ourselves without needing a reason why :D

@BlueDarkAurora

Maybe someday…. Just maybe…

@Iamwhoiamwhoami someday soon ^-^