@Iamwhoiamwhoami what are you going to do about your meds?? Are you gonna take more?? This is definitely another issue a carer would take care off for you ❤hugs you tightly ❤

The melatonin? Maybe a couple after 1 PM my time. It is getting close to the timeframe that mail comes and I’m waiting on disability check from insurance so I can try and scan it and get it deposited into my account. Hopefully sometime in the next couple days that check will arrive.

As far as carer, I am at the mercy of my situation. The appointment with the surgeon might shed some light on what comes next.💕💕💕

@Tinywhisper11

As far as disability they approved until the appointment date which I believe is the 19th. That might be the timeframe for a rollover from short term to long term disability, not sure about those details.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami are you going to be able to go back to sleep at all now today?

I try to make sure I reach out to all that reach out to me. I doubt that I ever said thank you to the one that made this community possible. I have tried to read about this site and I have concentration issues and I didn’t retain what I read.

From what little I have retained over the time I have been here. GlenM is the one I should be saying this to.

So to @GlenM Thank you for making this community possible. Thank you for letting me borrow a little corner in this wonderful community to write my thoughts and ramblings.

Am not one of those that are capable of being outgoing and forward enough to be a positive influence to the beautiful people in this community. I mainly stay in my lane, writing a not so normal journal involving my true thoughts and happenings. My own struggles span nearly 50 years. My writings involve the true negativity I experience in everything in my life.

I apologize I am rambling and that is not what this is about, I am not in my lane with this.

A very big thank you and I will always be grateful and appreciative to have been a part of this beautiful and wonderful inspiring community.

Thank you.

There are too many things that I don’t understand. One of them is . The deeper the darkest of thoughts take me the more thankful I am for this community. The extreme level of appreciation to have been accepted here and a few friends have found me and continue to reach out to me.

That continues to baffle me.

To have spent a lifetime watching people experience life with such a wide range of emotions. To have spent a lifetime not truly understanding and ever experiencing those same emotions myself. I don’t know if being able to experience those emotions is something worthwhile or not.

One of those lifelong things I have longed for and am undecided whether I truly want that or not.

It’s amazing the more decrepit I get plus reading these writings of others about the little things people are grateful for and here I am grateful for a natural trait for all creatures to have occurred twice in a day because it hasn’t happened without extreme pain for me in quite awhile.

The thoughts one experiences whenever the dark takes over. Those very thoughts that trigger some and scare the ones who supposedly want to help and heal. The kind of thoughts that the place to mention them is in a hospital where if you even slip a little bit of it they sedate you. But somehow, somewhere, there needs to be some kind of open discussion without pure fear because of no understanding. Which in itself is how society reacts about pretty much everything. I have spent a lifetime experiencing the darkest of thoughts in regards to the final steps or stages of depression. One would think that with this becoming as natural as coloring one’s hair that knowledge would be a key thing wanted by those wanting to help. In order to help people like me , fear of those dark words and ideas cannot lay claim. Overcoming that fear and listening without judgement in order to try and understand what people like me experience on a daily basis for so long.

There is so much talking about awareness on this topic. How about understanding and compassion as a start to helping.

I have been hospitalized many times over the years, some voluntarily and some not so voluntary. What they all had in common was. If any mention of those thoughts regardless of ideation, the response was sedation and under watch. Nobody was in any way interested in any details of any kind.

Any thing mentioned in regards was like cursing in front of your parents back in the day, getting your mouth washed out with soap.

It currently is national awareness month regarding this. And it is infuriating to me that the wording actually represents the true response to this issue. I believe everyone is aware of it but to scared to have a truthful discussion regarding the multitudes experiencing the darkest of thoughts and trying to navigate in the darkness on their own, while the general consensus is to keep letting them know you are there for them. Which has its merits, but open minded discussion and completely open and truthful, transparent discussion by those going through this daily themselves is a key step to beginning to getting a clue on a possibility of understanding that thinking and trying to correlating that with societal thinking to try and figure out a better way, possibly a quicker and safer way to start a path of communication instilling a better lifeline that has a better chance of anchoring that person to the plus side not the negative.