Ramblings 3

Well, I think “normalcy” is somewhat back, for now. At least on the depression front. The darkest of thoughts are resting I believe. Thoughts have resumed full speed in my head and the demolition derby seems to be the venue still.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I wish I could do this😁

Hi Iam.

This [day in which God has saved me] is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice

and be glad in it.

@Helgafy

I enjoyed it as well. It has been wonderful hearing from you again. Thank you.

The things I wish for the most, something from somewhere that I can’t decipher where is contradicting that deep seeded want. That want has been another thing that is intertwined with my being. Something I have wanted to happen since childhood. Something that now , this hidden thing is corrupting. Enough so that it is like a hidden message, one that is just loud enough to be heard, But not found . Telling me that I don’t want that . But I do.

Confusing words, but I understand there meaning.

I am grasping the thoughts regarding things I really want but will never be lucky enough to experience and ?enjoy?.

It is a positive and warming thought. Yet when I realize the futility of these thoughts the spot that held them becomes sooo cold 🥶 cold enough that my entire body is shivering and can’t get warm.

It’s things like this that brings the thoughts regarding my being here and whether or not it is a true place for me. Unlike the majority of people in this community , I will never live in the light , never have close friends outside of here.

So , even though the wonderful people here that I am lucky enough to call friends regularly reinforce the belief of the true value of staying here, I am regularly led to believe otherwise by the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind.

So far my friends here have managed to fend off the deluge of negativity that I currently struggle with.

Nobody but me can see what I battle with internally, Nobody therefore cannot understand the intensity of those battles. But They all should understand the extent and the importance of my thankfulness and gratitude and appreciation to and for them.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

When did these battles begin?

@Helgafy

Nice to hear from you again. How are you??

As far as the battles I struggle with and when they began? As a young child I started having these internal issues, the same timeframe that I first attempted to end it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"attempted to end it". You tried to hush the battles inside you? I think it is very rare that children get these (dark? - hard?) battles inside - is it not? (I don't have children).

@Helgafy

Yes , that is what I tried to do. I believe that there are multitudes of young children who struggle and those thoughts cross their minds, some like me have it grab hold and never let go.

Of course there are multitudes of children who never experience anything like that.

Mine was rooted in the fact I was molested by my sperm donor of a father , it did the same to my sisters.

So , my confusion and my self worth were in turmoil at a very young age.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I'm really, really sorry to hear that.

@Helgafy

Thank you but you have nothing to apologize for.

I am thankful for you and the others like Blue and Tiny and Twistedsoul who brave the negativity and reach out and ask questions. Who try and support me .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Well - I really have nothing to say - except that your a son of the most high God and he loves you - but I know it can be difficult for you to feel his love when you didn't feel your earthly fathers love.

@Helgafy

Thank you, you are such s wonderful person, thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Can you ever forgive your father - not for his sake, but for yours?

@Helgafy

I honestly don’t know anymore. I need to find and forgive/love myself before anything like that could ever possibly happen. I know that is not Gods will, but I am not a religious person, I don’t know what I believe. I welcome anyone’s prayers and/or blessings. I fully respect and accept others beliefs.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

That's OK - I guess you don't see him often so the distance to him will probably do you good. And yes - I hope you can find love for yourself. I guess you don't need to forgive yourself if you don't know that you have done something wrong. Did your mother give you value (love) you think? 

@Helgafy

Sorry for the delay,

I actually haven’t seen or talked him for near 40 years

That goes the same for the rest of my “family “. I came from a broken, separated and just plain miserable family.

there were more than ten years between me and my youngest sister. So they already “dealt “ with things their own way, my mother, I think was broken and lost, I was just the child she was waiting to grow up and get out, I don’t think she wished me ill will, she was just struggling herself and was not able to help me. There was too much drama and I made a decision those many years ago and I have made the mistake of looking back a time or two, but I have never went back nor do I have any regrets about that decision.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami @Helgafy

 " you have to be strong to be able to forgive and forget" But I don't believe that, sometimes your a stronger person to not forgive and forget. ❤

with all of the issues I struggle with, and combined with a brain that behaves like mine. I have a tendency to wonder if I am losing my sanity. I don’t know what the definition is or the qualities that would put me in that category. I’m pretty sure that I am not, but I know that my mentality has been pushed in every direction repeatedly for so long that it can’t continue to exist as a whole for much longer…can it??

If there ever was anyone brave enough to actually read everything I have written here. They would realize that I may be a bit, well maybe a lot screwy in the head but I was right that I was past the point of no possibility of making it into the light.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope someday you ((standing in the daylight)) get to prove yourself wrong here

@BlueDarkAurora

To an extent I hope you are right and that happens, on the flip side of that is I have spent a lifetime in the darkness, I have adapted, yes I am still struggling and currently flailing about. But I truly wonder if being brought into the light would in short order, blind me and the warmth would be too much for me to handle.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"brought into the light would in short order, blind me and the warmth would be too much for me to handle." - you are not talking about the physical light and warmth from the sun - are you? (lol - you have 2 persons to answer their questions now).

@Helgafy the sun feels nice ^-^ 

I’m taking about humanities warmth and light they project with their combined compassion, empathy, live,kindness,support,strength, and a lot more

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Yes - I thought so. I'm the kind of person who need to have some words taken in by small spoons (as we say here - lol).

@Helgafy

I understand that completely, I also understand that the words that I manage to put down here can be confusing to others. But if asked about it I will try my best to explain, I apologize for rambling while I do that

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

You're not rambling. And your English is perfect and mine is not and sometimes I don't understand the depths because my first language is not English.

I am always open to trying to explain something that I wrote to help you understand it better.

@Helgafy I would never have guessed, what is your first language ??

@Tinywhisper11

My first language is Norwegian. In Sweden they talk Swedish, in Denemark Danish, in Finland Finnish. In Iceland  they also have their own language - a bit like Old Norwegian - very old language here. In Europe the different countries talk Spanish, Italien, German, Polish. Maybe you can find a map where all the languages is written.

I'm very sorry you have been very sick.

@Helgafy oh cool there are many languages, it's to much to learn about them all ❤ don't worry about me ❤🙂I'll be ok

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I believe not ^^ Being in the darkness for so long gives a false sense of knowing, a false sense of belonging. We only realise how much we needed the light once we are outside. The darkness wasn't able to take away the light of kindness from you and so take that as a proof that you'll be just fine. 

Thank you again, and it would be nice if your words hold true for me.

@BlueDarkAurora

The last time I looked back, I was asked by my mother and a couple of my sisters if I had any intentions of discussing the past in regards to the one called father? If that was the case not to bother them with any of it. They all had dealt with those things and they locked the door behind them.

I never dealt with any of it , in the end I ran and reinforced the walls around my hiding spot in my head. So with that type of ultimatum I had no choice but to say goodbye and have a nice life. I cannot try and reconnect without working through the past issues with them as well.

And 40 years is too long. Especially for me who has so many issues. Family is a very important part of life. I don’t have that and I will continue to support my decision to walk away those many years ago.

I’m not too sure how much of my writings you have read , and I am not going to go into details right now. But there are some secrets about me that I have only truly recognized a lot fuller in the last several years. Those things would have me pushed completely from those people if they found out. They area very judgmental group.

That is all an extreme amount of drama I can’t handle. I can’t handle all the drama I create and I live alone.

Too much info as usual. I haven’t remembered any of that stuff for a long long time, so I figured I should get it down here while the brain is turned to that section.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's good to let your thoughts out or they can start to feel overwhelming. I haven't been around long to know the whole story and be able to see things from your point but I do know that walking away from anything or anyone that is causing you a lot of distress is a good idea. You've stood strong in your decision and handled whatever came to you on your own so that's one another quality of yours you can feel proud of :) 

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't have any family either. But it's ok cause I got you and many others here has friends, friends can mean much more than family sometimes ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤

You must tell when I have made a big whole in your head with all my asking and go to rest.