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Ramblings 3

Iamwhoiamwhoami December 31st, 2023

Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

Well, I think “normalcy” is somewhat back, for now. At least on the depression front. The darkest of thoughts are resting I believe. Thoughts have resumed full speed in my head and the demolition derby seems to be the venue still.

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 9th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I wish I could do this😁

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Helgafy September 6th

Hi Iam.

I just want to say thank you for the powerful talk we had yesterday. And here is the Bibleverse
for today: Psalms 118:24 Amplified Bible (AMP)

This [day in which God has saved me] is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice

and be glad in it.

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

@Helgafy

I enjoyed it as well. It has been wonderful hearing from you again. Thank you.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

The things I wish for the most, something from somewhere that I can’t decipher where is contradicting that deep seeded want. That want has been another thing that is intertwined with my being. Something I have wanted to happen since childhood. Something that now , this hidden thing is corrupting. Enough so that it is like a hidden message, one that is just loud enough to be heard, But not found . Telling me that I don’t want that . But I do.

Confusing words, but I understand there meaning.

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

I am grasping the thoughts regarding things I really want but will never be lucky enough to experience and ?enjoy?.

It is a positive and warming thought. Yet when I realize the futility of these thoughts the spot that held them becomes sooo cold 🥶 cold enough that my entire body is shivering and can’t get warm.

It’s things like this that brings the thoughts regarding my being here and whether or not it is a true place for me. Unlike the majority of people in this community , I will never live in the light , never have close friends outside of here.

So , even though the wonderful people here that I am lucky enough to call friends regularly reinforce the belief of the true value of staying here, I am regularly led to believe otherwise by the whirlwind of thoughts in my mind.

So far my friends here have managed to fend off the deluge of negativity that I currently struggle with.

Nobody but me can see what I battle with internally, Nobody therefore cannot understand the intensity of those battles. But They all should understand the extent and the importance of my thankfulness and gratitude and appreciation to and for them.

13 replies
Helgafy September 6th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

When did these battles begin?

12 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

@Helgafy

Nice to hear from you again. How are you??


As far as the battles I struggle with and when they began? As a young child I started having these internal issues, the same timeframe that I first attempted to end it.

11 replies
Helgafy September 6th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"attempted to end it". You tried to hush the battles inside you? I think it is very rare that children get these (dark? - hard?) battles inside - is it not? (I don't have children).

10 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

@Helgafy

Yes , that is what I tried to do. I believe that there are multitudes of young children who struggle and those thoughts cross their minds, some like me have it grab hold and never let go.

Of course there are multitudes of children who never experience anything like that.

Mine was rooted in the fact I was molested by my sperm donor of a father , it did the same to my sisters.

So , my confusion and my self worth were in turmoil at a very young age.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

with all of the issues I struggle with, and combined with a brain that behaves like mine. I have a tendency to wonder if I am losing my sanity. I don’t know what the definition is or the qualities that would put me in that category. I’m pretty sure that I am not, but I know that my mentality has been pushed in every direction repeatedly for so long that it can’t continue to exist as a whole for much longer…can it??

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

If there ever was anyone brave enough to actually read everything I have written here. They would realize that I may be a bit, well maybe a lot screwy in the head but I was right that I was past the point of no possibility of making it into the light.

18 replies
BlueDarkAurora September 6th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope someday you ((standing in the daylight)) get to prove yourself wrong here

17 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

@BlueDarkAurora

To an extent I hope you are right and that happens, on the flip side of that is I have spent a lifetime in the darkness, I have adapted, yes I am still struggling and currently flailing about. But I truly wonder if being brought into the light would in short order, blind me and the warmth would be too much for me to handle.

12 replies
Helgafy September 6th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"brought into the light would in short order, blind me and the warmth would be too much for me to handle." - you are not talking about the physical light and warmth from the sun - are you? (lol - you have 2 persons to answer their questions now).

9 replies
BlueDarkAurora September 6th

@Helgafy the sun feels nice ^-^ 

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

I’m taking about humanities warmth and light they project with their combined compassion, empathy, live,kindness,support,strength, and a lot more

7 replies
Helgafy September 6th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Yes - I thought so. I'm the kind of person who need to have some words taken in by small spoons (as we say here - lol).

6 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

@Helgafy

I understand that completely, I also understand that the words that I manage to put down here can be confusing to others. But if asked about it I will try my best to explain, I apologize for rambling while I do that

5 replies
Helgafy September 6th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

You're not rambling. And your English is perfect and mine is not and sometimes I don't understand the depths because my first language is not English.

4 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

I am always open to trying to explain something that I wrote to help you understand it better.

Tinywhisper11 September 9th

@Helgafy I would never have guessed, what is your first language ??

2 replies
Helgafy September 9th

@Tinywhisper11

My first language is Norwegian. In Sweden they talk Swedish, in Denemark Danish, in Finland Finnish. In Iceland  they also have their own language - a bit like Old Norwegian - very old language here. In Europe the different countries talk Spanish, Italien, German, Polish. Maybe you can find a map where all the languages is written.

I'm very sorry you have been very sick.

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 9th

@Helgafy oh cool there are many languages, it's to much to learn about them all ❤ don't worry about me ❤🙂I'll be ok

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BlueDarkAurora September 6th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I believe not ^^ Being in the darkness for so long gives a false sense of knowing, a false sense of belonging. We only realise how much we needed the light once we are outside. The darkness wasn't able to take away the light of kindness from you and so take that as a proof that you'll be just fine. 

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

Thank you again, and it would be nice if your words hold true for me.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 7th

@BlueDarkAurora

The last time I looked back, I was asked by my mother and a couple of my sisters if I had any intentions of discussing the past in regards to the one called father? If that was the case not to bother them with any of it. They all had dealt with those things and they locked the door behind them.

I never dealt with any of it , in the end I ran and reinforced the walls around my hiding spot in my head. So with that type of ultimatum I had no choice but to say goodbye and have a nice life. I cannot try and reconnect without working through the past issues with them as well.

And 40 years is too long. Especially for me who has so many issues. Family is a very important part of life. I don’t have that and I will continue to support my decision to walk away those many years ago.

I’m not too sure how much of my writings you have read , and I am not going to go into details right now. But there are some secrets about me that I have only truly recognized a lot fuller in the last several years. Those things would have me pushed completely from those people if they found out. They area very judgmental group.

That is all an extreme amount of drama I can’t handle. I can’t handle all the drama I create and I live alone.

Too much info as usual. I haven’t remembered any of that stuff for a long long time, so I figured I should get it down here while the brain is turned to that section.

3 replies
BlueDarkAurora September 7th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's good to let your thoughts out or they can start to feel overwhelming. I haven't been around long to know the whole story and be able to see things from your point but I do know that walking away from anything or anyone that is causing you a lot of distress is a good idea. You've stood strong in your decision and handled whatever came to you on your own so that's one another quality of yours you can feel proud of :) 

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 7th

Thank you

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 9th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't have any family either. But it's ok cause I got you and many others here has friends, friends can mean much more than family sometimes ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤

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Helgafy September 6th

You must tell when I have made a big whole in your head with all my asking and go to rest.

Helgafy September 6th

Iam - I think I have to take a rest now. Thank you for talking!

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

@Helgafy

I apologize again for the delay, I had one delivery of two show up and the physical pain of bringing it sll in the house took it all out of me and I fell asleep as soon as I fell down into bed. Now I have the second delivery of 5 larger boxes that I need to go outside and bring in.

I hope you have a peaceful and pleasant rest.

2 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 9th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm sorry sweetie I have to lie down for a while, I'll be back as soon as I can ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 9th

❤️❤️Gentle hugs and I love you ❤️❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

I have definitely not gotten used to the pain, I think I was just behaving myself and not doing much to aggravate it. I have ticked it off massively. I had a couple of different deliveries dropped off today. The first one was supposed to notify when they left the store and they didn’t. They unloaded everything outside without even letting me now they were here. For whatever reason I didn’t hear them. So I had quite a few trips up and down the steps then putting the stuff away in the freezer which is in the back of the house. Needless to say, I did lay down a few times for a couple minutes to ease the pain. But after that was done I laid down and literally passed out from the pain. I wake up a bit later and my second delivery had arrived, five large/extra large boxes, that due to size were sitting about halfway to my mailbox. I had to lay down a few times in the process but finally got them in.

I’m so popular with the neighbors they just drive on by while I am struggling. Not that I expect them to do anything but I do know most of them go to church regularly and well I guess helping those in need is no longer taught.

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Tinywhisper11 September 9th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙁 it seems to be that everywhere, people just don't seem to care about anyone else, it's sad. But their are many good people to ❤❤ just hold on to the goodness you see in some people ❤❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 6th

Granted that the secondary delivery was one probably something not necessarily needed right now , I wanted to be a little bit better prepared in case a move is forced upon me following the probable upcoming back surgery. I ordered a few (10) 27 gallon totes which was what showed up this afternoon . Then I also have (10) 17 gallon totes coming next week.

Those definitely were a major battle to get in the house.

The earlier delivery was another grocery delivery, a lot of Mountain Dew and a few other items. The dew was the extreme pain . I think it was (10) 12 packs of bottles so 10 trips since I am getting to be extremely weak and minimal weight carrying is painful. The weight of 12 bottles and trying to make it up and down a few steps repeatedly definitely ticks off my pain.

So , I brought it upon myself as far as the double whammy of pain , unfortunately the timing was not that far apart.

So , there we go, I have managed another rambling about my pain.

4 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 9th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami what is a tote??

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 9th

@Tinywhisper11

It is a plastic storage container, the ones I bought were ones with a removable lid.

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Tinywhisper11 September 9th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh ok ❤ thanks for explaining it to me ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 9th

If I could figure out how to do it I could include a picture of one of them if that would help ❤️❤️

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