Ramblings 3

One would think that the details make the difference. Those details wrapped inside those darkest of thoughts may hold the key to help. I am sure that whether it is someone who experiences this long term or short term, the key thoughts are going to be scarily similar. And considering the millions of people who have experienced these thoughts, granted many will never admit it ,even to themselves because it has become such a taboo topic. I don’t remember much of anything from my youth, but I do remember one particular therapist that was on my wavelength and was not afraid to speak those taboo words to a struggling kid. Unfortunately I was too stubborn headed to reciprocate and open up. She freely spoke those dark words trying to connect to me those dark words that mirrored the ones in my head. Even though those words and ideas are scarily similar in everyone’s minds, those minds are like fingerprints, all different. Yet the medical community has linked everyone experiencing these thoughts and feelings into a few basic groups . Speaking for myself, I have never fit into any of those groups or categories. Too many variables that impact all these people too many different ways. Infinite possibilities of directions people are pushed into during their journey with depression and/or any other issues added to their mix. Not unlike my scenario.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think just by writting your thoughts here, is enough. I'm learning from you ❤ I gotta go be back soon ❤❤

@mytwistedsoul

I thought about your suggestions earlier, and I put one to use and managed to struggle through an ok shower, enough for a little soap on the upper half anyway and an ok rinse of hot water for the legs. Thank you. ❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami sorry I wasn't around much this morning. It's not often I get to just spend time with my carers having a bit of fun, so that was nice ❤

did you manage to get some sleep?? Did you take your pills right today??

My carer was letting me shop in 'shein ' on her phone earlier, it's a clothes shop😁 I bought some nice things, and a halloween themed blanket😁 yaaay! I like fleece blanket throws. I always keep my body covered with blankets in the wheelchair, to hide the embarrassing, missing parts

anyways I love you ❤ gives you a giant hug ❤ I hope your ok

This new way of “life” has seemed to have come down to six hour chunks of something or other. Just breathing in and out coming here and doing my writings and responding to those wonderful people who reach out. Six hours, pill to pills.

This complete darkness, the overwhelming dark thoughts whilst being in the abyss of the darkness, this shame that I and so many others live in because of others judgement because of fear of the unknown, this shame should be allowed into the light , that is the only way to truly help us, bring it completely into the light. Let the warmth of the light, the love, kindness, understanding, compassion, courage, and so much else can help minimize the darkness, and build the courage and confidence of so many suffering in silence to summon up the strength to voice their ugly truths and bring them to the light that is the biggest and and most important medicine. The fear of the unknown that seems to reign over society needs to be a focus as well. That fear is something that needs to be addressed with understanding and compassion as well. Two different battles on the same front. The fear of the unknown according to so many writers spanning decades, centuries, is as old as time itself. One would think that that in itself would be enough to say that changing the course of thinking needs to occur, guided by all of histories examples. Bring these things we fear into the light so they can be accepted and understanding can begin.

As I struggle with the darkness in my mind, the darker it becomes the more important this new train of thought becomes as well.

It becomes more and more clear to me that this train of thought is unbelievably important and crucial to the ability to truly reach and hold onto people who are suffering in silence, I want to add like me to that statement but the reality is I am forever trapped in my prison of my own making.

yes there has been an interwoven thread of kindness, love, support and compassion attached to me, but I am too far and too deep That has no bearing upon my discussion here.

All the schooling and book education only goes so far. Street smarts is a very crucial thing in society as well as regarding my writings here however street smarts needs to be carefully combined with book smarts and experiences. Nobody should ever truly believe they know what is going on inside someone else’s mind nor how their experiences have affected them, no matter how similar or dissimilar they may be to your own. Like I said before, everyone is as different as their fingerprints, including how even the simplest of things affect them. We may be able to relate and partially understand but never will we be able to fully relate or understand.

The root of this is allowing what we fear and refuse to hear regarding this issue to be seen , accepted and heard and truly listened to without judgement and fear. Always being cautious but not afraid.

Someone like me who mentions the overall word of what we are thinking, or those of us who actually go out in a public area and are at the tipping point. Everyones fear kicks in and sll kinds of words and promises are said to dull the edge and put us in a hospital for “help”. That help occurs in the usual forms of sweeping what people fear most and don’t understand under the rug. And this happens by pills and group therapy (which really works well for those who suffer with severe anxieties including social) and as long as we get the hint that it is shameful and forbidden and in some places illegal to do anything relating to that topic in public. Then we are released into the wild again. Ensuring that we suffer in silence because the way we truly feel, and our experiences and mainly that we in turn are not valid as long as that forbidden word is part of our identity.

I expect that eventually I will get shut down because I am even trying to discuss this issue and thinking this way regarding this issue.

This community consists of so many walks of life from around the globe. All came here for the same thing, support and understanding . All those who have stayed the course have found so much more here. A community that supports it’s own as unconditionally as possible considering we understand triggers, and many have experienced them , we educate each as best we can while struggling with our own issues on a daily basis.

Whole snd complete truths need to be allowed to be spoken and freely discussed with no fear of judgement or repercussions for what is said or believed. With complete compassion and trying not to misunderstand or rush to trying to find a solution or cure. Because there is no true cure for these things. These things do fall into “the human condition “ . I never thought I would ever believe anything actually could be categorized into that truthfully. But it fits, from my eyes, it truly fits.

I am having some vision problems at the moment. Those light spots and such in my line of sight. So by the time I come back I will probably have completely lost sight of this direction of thought. Maybe somebody someday will consider my thoughts viable and know how to grow this thing into something that is helpful.