Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
@Tinywhisper11
But in regards to your question , Still trying to figure that out.
I woke up a little while ago and I was kind of sick to my stomach mixed with something else, I don’t know how to describe it
It was like an empty nauseated feeling with impending fear mixed with dread.
I actually called emergency room and talked to a nurse and of course they wanted me to come in. I told them I would wait and see if things eased up any if not then I would call for an ambulance.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami ahhh, the feeling of pure fear and uncontrollable dread🙁 it's not nice is it? That's what I felt very often growing up, I don't know how I survived it. Luckily know there are people here when that happens. What I'm trying to say is maybe going to hospital isn't a bad thing right now. You don't want to be alone, and they might be able to move things along faster for you
but that's just my point of view, and I don't know what I'm talking about most the time. How are you feeling right now?
That weird nauseating feeling is gone for now.
Just trying to see about dozing off is a possibility.❤️❤️💕
@Iamwhoiamwhoami that's a good idea ❤ try and rest for a little while ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ sweet dreams angel ❤
Please don’t read the following writings , your to wonderful and beautiful to be tainted at all with my following writings. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I wont😏
I figured I should at least check in here and say something, anything. I’m definitely not in the right headspace right now. But I’m thankful for those that keep checking in on me. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
My thoughts are extremely dark however I also feel strange a new emptiness, a void that can’t be filled, a space that strikes fear in me for that void is not normal.
Why does the darkness refuse to take my breath away like it has everything else? Why am I forced to wake up everyday in a condition that continually manages to get worse, with depression that constantly keeps finding a lower level that didn’t exist before. One that proves that I was meant to suffer immeasurable pain and misery on a whole different level than the rest of the world. Combining an entire platoon of issues and burying me beneath them. Proving that self loathing can reach an unheard of level. Ensuring that any and all anxieties are on high alert at all times, continuously spinning all those issues like greasy plates on a stick. The more they spin and the faster they spin the bigger the guarantee that I will not gain control of any of it.
I can’t grasp any method to the madness that is my life. If knowing the root issues and details is the “key” to the beginning of rerouting the journey toward a less depressed way of life. What does it mean when your mind is slowly losing that information, and too much other information throughput too many other incidents in life? Would that not mean that the journey is then locked on to its current course of travel?
Trigger warning for multiple possibilities,
100’s of times I have been told that remembering and discussing the first known trauma in my life is the key to changing the direction of my journey. For a long time I only suspected that those first traumatic events even happened. There was a point in time a long ago that I had what I learned later was a panic attack caused by ptsd, I didn’t believe that but that is not important right now. I don’t remember details about much of it but I felt like I was watching and experiencing the violation and abuse that was occurring to me and it was flashing in my head like snapshots mixed with short clips .
don’t know what I was doing in the real world but I was screaming and crying and hitting and mortified. Yet I was just laying there as it happened. I was extremely young, I had visions of me in a diaper being molested by my speem donor of a father. These visions also included me at the age of walking and talking.
Even after this first episode I refused to even bring it up in therapy. I did eventually open up about it. But no progress was ever made with it. Maybe I was still holding back something, I don’t know. Skipping ahead to the here and now, I want to be a completely open book, however my mind is losing information constantly. Including about that first horrific thing that I experienced. I now realize that since that first incident is the key to a different journey, since that information is missing or completely gone, I am trapped in the one I am on
