Ramblings 3

you do better with the middle one better than I do with any of mine.❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂

I was able to convince a coworker to pick up a grocery order Monday evening. I sent them a copy of the order so they weren’t surprised when it was brought out to them. Tried stocking up on the quick microwave and simple oven heat up meals. For one person the bill was outrageous. $900 a few years ago it would have been a third of that. I know prices have been high for awhile. I normally don’t buy the amount of items I did .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh yaaay! That's great ❤ not the prive, but asking for help and getting food, that's a huge relief. I've wanted to ask you if your eating for the past few days now. But I didn't want to sound like I was nagging😁❤ so that's made me really happy ❤

you know the Beatles song 'help ' that reminds me of you, it's ok to ask for help, especially know when you need it most ❤

@Tinywhisper11 you know there are many people out there that just don't do the basics like you mentioned in a previous message, alone their minds can't bring them to get out of bed, or wash or get dressed. So if you think about it you did that for all theese years, you managed to do things some would never have been able to. So yes you are a very strong person. But now with all the pain your in I wish you had someone to help you with all that. I can't shower myself, or get dressed, in and out of bed myself, cook. There's so much I have to rely on other people for. It is embarrassing, but just something I can't do alone. Hopefully they will be able to fix you up, so you won't have to have someone help you with all that ❤❤ 

it is meant to be that my mobility will be limited or minimized and need to rely on others for the basics , so be it. I am not saying that it will be easy for me because it won’t be. If I had someone here right now to help me I would be thankful for that, I also would probably be crabby and cranky. But I would be thankful because I know I can’t do it on my own.❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I really do wish you had someone to help. I can't believe that your doctor hasn't sorted help out for you🙁

Maybe that is something that is addressed with surgeon? Maybe that will be addressed then with insurance?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I really hope so ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami That's great! Hope the doctors and you can figure out a way to get a helper too. 

@BluDarkAurora

So do I but that will be about 4 weeks yet.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it sure is frustrating<3 

Please know that the time it is taking doesn't mean that you or your issues matter any less. I know you're trying, we all do and feel so proud of you for that! 

Thank you.

@Tinywhisper11

With my memory issues along with everything else. I don’t consider questions like that anything close to nagging. Especially coming from a friend.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami thankyou ❤ so now I have your permission to nag you😁

I know you don't like taking meds, but probably best not to focus on the addiction part right now, like you said, you need them right now. So just focus on having to take them.🙂❤ it could take a little while for the loopiness to go, side effects suck 🙁

And not remembering your past is a blessing and a curse🙁 sorry you have to deal with that🙁 gives you a giant hug ❤❤

my thoughts are really foggy right now so I’m going to rest for a bit then come back and try again. Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami "come back and try again" Love that ^^ Hope you get some good rest.

Still foggy, but this is the only distraction I have.

Even if it’s just staring at this white screen while I try to grasp a thought to write.

Probably should try and take a shower tomorrow morning. Not bathing regularly is just not me , well I guess now it is me. I’m not the au naturel type, I am the regular, daily bathing type. .

Maybe I will finally get to clean a little more thoroughly before I am denied completion by the pain.

Much longer I might have to see about getting the fire department to blast me down with their tanker truck hose.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami just start a small controlled fire in your bedroom and give them a call, they'll probably be happy to help😂😂😂

It’s the simple things that are the most annoying I need a pedicure… I need my nails clipped, they are splitting from rubbing on the blanket/comforter I can’t trim them, yes, due to the pain. Should be fine as long I don’t get a hangnail.

I know I whine and cry and bellyache a lot. But I know from a lifetime of bottling everything up deep inside that compressing everything and trapping it only leads to an uncontrollable release. Where as doing this, writing it all down, everything that goes through my head, at least those thoughts I can grasp fo a second or two. This writing is the pressure relief valve. Keeping everything from boiling over. It’s the only way I know of to keep things from catastrophic failure.

I am thankful to the brave few who keep coming back and reading my writings and supporting me through all of this. I am quite sure that if my writings would have went unnoticed I probably wouldn’t be breathing right now.

What is scary with this brain flickering thing is that there are times, more often than not that I don’t remember yesterday. Not just a little bit of it but all of it. I’m not necessarily referring to the time involving this back and leg issue. Since this issue started everything just blends together. Remembering thirty seconds ago could be an issue,

I don’t remember writing a lot of my writings here. Most of the time I don’t remember writing the segment before the current one I am writing.

Been quite itchy all day, could be side effect or just lack of proper hygiene. Laying her in the dark legitimate dark , nighttime and no lights on trying to see what others see me as via my writings. Try as I might I can’t see what they see. I still see the same thing I always have. . Some see hope, not me I see someone so lost that while they are curled up rocking in despair that they would whisper for directions to the spider walking by

I see someone so scared that they don’t want to open their eyes for fear of what they might see. I see someone so scared of their own voice because their voice speaks truth, sometimes incoherent jumbled sentences but still the truth. Someone who fears happiness because it only harbors disappointment. Someone who sees the darkness and lives in the darkness yet fears that same darkness. Someone who fears love because they know not of love.

I see someone scared of living because they know not how. Someone who trembles at everything that is outside of the day. I see someone who is so broken and beaten down that they prefer to be someone they are not instead of exploring their true self hidden deep beneath the massive mountain of life’s baggage. Someone who finds an excuse to stay hidden from all including themselves.

I see someone who is scared of compliments , who is scared of pretty much everything anymore. I am scared of the unknown. , of finding out that all of this was a figment of my imagination. Of realizing that I am never getting any better than I am right now.

I fear that I have become the sum of all I have hidden away and buried in the darkness, the sum of all the words I have written here. I do not know that sum but yet I do fear it. I fear that finding out the truth of the reality of these fears would completely break me . I fear the truth as told by reality. I speak the truth based in my version of reality.

The last several bits of writing were written by starting the sentence and staring at the screen trying to grasp the first words I could grasp in this fog I am in, and converting those words to written words . Repeatedly doing this and the end result is what I wrote, the writings of a strange individual

I fear being right

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie ❤ I fell asleep for a bit, I see you did not😕 did you at least get any sleep?

Fears are what controls you, hiding is what you know to do. It's not always easy to come into the light, when you've lived in the dark so long. But also the fear the darkness, it doesn't let you see properly, so let your friends here guide you through ❤ we are your light, and we want to be your light through all the dark times. And why?? Because we love you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami are you ok??

@Tinywhisper11

I am still here❤️❤️

@Tinywhisper11

But in regards to your question , Still trying to figure that out.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I was hoping the strength of the meds would make you sleep better😕 your in America, so everyone in America own guns?? 

For better or worse I think the majority of them do.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think for worse, not better😕

I woke up a little while ago and I was kind of sick to my stomach mixed with something else, I don’t know how to describe it

It was like an empty nauseated feeling with impending fear mixed with dread.

I actually called emergency room and talked to a nurse and of course they wanted me to come in. I told them I would wait and see if things eased up any if not then I would call for an ambulance.