Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I just learned something else I don’t like about this situation. When I sneeze I experience this pain on a whole new level, and it’s even more fun when I can’t stop sneezing.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah sneezing hurts bad, just be thankful you don't have a cold right now, coughing is unbearable😁 it's really hard to keep going through this alone, it's very sad, I wish I had a way to make things easier for you. Just one day from monday, your doing really well, hopefully tommorow now you will hear from your doctor ❤ I'm right here for you ❤❤
Tried searching on the initial findings, just what the x-rays shown on the first set. Next step to try would be steroid injections, and possibly physical therapy, there probably was a couple other things but I forgot already. This seems to be more for slight to moderate pain.
I definitely classify my pain level at severe on the low end.
I am scared that due to the dance with insurance that I will have to endure this pain and noninvasive treatment, just to try.
If surgery is needed, I would rather endure it now than suffering for politics of insurance and trying other methods.
Even though I had the leg pain that was mid thigh to knee, varying in pain intensity and was fairly consistent for quite awhile and I ignored it because I have aches and pains all over, one more is not an issue. The sudden increase and rapid debilitating pain along with back pain, numbness and tingling progressing to both legs but a majority of the left leg.The increase in time it takes for pain to decrease, I don’t want to be put through the torture of enduring this any longer.
I need relief from this pain, Everything I struggle with is turned up to near maximum levels. It is difficult enough when just a couple of my issues max out together, for example depression and social anxiety. I managed that combo for years, probably not as well as I thought but still managed.
Trying to manage the mental aspects to avoid physical reactions while body is screaming at maximum is currently impossible. My ability to focus has been slipping away for quite awhile. This added ordeal is the straw that makes the weight unbearable.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm so sorry sweetie 😥 your going through so much, bless you. When pain levels hit you that bad, it is sooo hard to concentrate on anything else, it's just so draining on every physical and mental aspect😥 I hope whatever the doctors decide to do, works really well, and really quickly. Hugs you gently, your always in my thoughts and prayers ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
I have tried to avoid writing here for the last …actually I am not sure how many hours it has been. I have written quite a bit the last week of so and probably mainly the same things over and over. I have laid in bed , flopping around like a fish out of water, trying to endure the pain, I also let the extreme darkness envelop me and while it ravaged my mental side I let the pain have its way with me as well. So, needless to say, my sleep was 10 times worse than usual. Sleep for 10-15 minutes , wake up. Come here, start to write a little, erase if I even was able to put anything down, sleep for a few , wake up , again and again. Not sure if I had any dreams/nightmares.
I don’t truly know what you experience on a daily basis, nor could I ever truly know how it affects you. This latest addition to my collection has made me aware of a lot of things that I never imagined I would experience, at least while my brain was still flipped on. I have no clue as to what lies ahead, and with what has been happening recently. I am guessing that my recent experience isn’t enough for me to say that I can relate, that would be a major mistake . I am constantly amazed that you are willing to keep coming back to my writings and commenting on some of them. I am constantly worried about how my writings actually affect you. I am selfish in a lot of my feelings and how that comes out in my writings is selfish as well.
I pose a question for you, however if you asked me that same question right now I would start rewriting what I have been recently.
How are you? Are you happy? I don’t expect an answer, though I would like to know.
This stems from something I heard/read that was actually part of a quote from someone that was overwhelmed, (I think they) died young, and was a little famous. I think they were 100% correct
People ask a lot of questions about/to you, but they never ask if you’re happy.
That is far from the wording but the message behind it is the same. I don’t ask questions like that here or in daily life. I am so wrapped up inside my own darkness and issues and I don’t have much of anything in regards to true social abilities. I have s as tendency to forget that those who reach out here are human too.
@Tinywhisper11
This may not be my place and I hope I am not overstepping.
I stumbled upon your writings in the trauma support room. I am here for you, if you need to vent or discuss anything I am here. I will listen to anything you need to say. Please, use me if you need to.
@Tinywhisper11
I am here for you…and so are countless others .
🤝❤️🩹🤝
@Iamwhoiamwhoami and yes my sons birthday in 2 days ❤ he will be 13 years old🙂 the whole month just stirs up bad memories, it's a difficult time for me. But just like you do, I use cups as a mental distraction ❤ I am really sad today, but I'll be ok ❤ thanks sweetie ❤
@Tinywhisper11 and your definetly not selfish, this is your safe place to express yourself. Never hold back for anyone, your feelings your struggles are very real, if I couldn't handle it, I wouldn't be here reading and trying to be a friend to you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤
I’m not good at them but I want to give you the warmest and soothing of hugs. To soak up your tears and be there for you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's ok you just stand there I'll hug you 🙂
@Tinywhisper11
That particular picture there is actually a fairly accurate depiction of how I react to someone trying to hug me. I guess it’s got to do with my pushing everyone away and hiding from everything.
The company I work for moved out of their original town earlier this year. There’s a gas station that serves some hot food there as well. I, like a few others frequented this place for years, it was the only place around for food and fuel. I rarely said anything to the people there. I kept to myself. When the time came that signaled the daily stops were ending the one lady there came up to me rather quickly and embraced me in a big scary hug. ( I was scared of being touched, she wasn’t scary) but I think the reaction I had in that moment was almost exactly what the one above had.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤🙂 your amazing I hope you know that, you probably don't so I'm telling you know your amazing ❤ am I happy? Yes I am, I love my life now😁 I lived a life in captivity, I belonged to a bad group of people who used me as a sex slave, and torture was a huge part of it. But I was rescued when I was 18 years old. I spent months in hospital recovering and having surgerys, trying to understand what was happening. I'm 23 years old now, I live in a different country under government protection. The bad people made me disabled. But now I live without frar, I've learnt everything theese past few years including how to use the internet. I didn't know music exsisted, or what a bird was. I'm discovering a world now and I see that I'm surrounded by beauty and magic😁 ❤ I love life, I really do. So when I hear you write here, I want to just hug you forever and ever, cause I've been there, where you are now. But I got through it, I know you don't like change, but change saved my life. I wish there was a way I could save you. But the only thing I can do, is be your friend till the very end ❤
@Tinywhisper11 damn it I always forget! Trigger warning for message above
@Tinywhisper
I also have reached my daily limit of upvotes on your posts, I didn’t realize there is a limit.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami haha! Yep there's a limit for each day😁 I've used mine up a few times ❤
Overdid it already today. I forced myself to change bedsheets, they needed done well before I began having mobility issues due to extreme. Much longer they might have got up and ran away. I layed down for a couple minutes but pain didn’t ease and I figured I should go shower before I ruin the reason I changed them. It was a couple of hours before pain level decreased. When pain was at a consistent point at a minimal level, I tried to install a couple more panels in the garage. I made it into the garage and that was about all I accomplished, I staggered back into bed. Back pain is minimal but left leg is still very intense with tingling and numbness. I do have a sore point on my left leg on the outside (left and above knee) a small area maybe an inch in diameter. I need to get up and scrape up something to eat, then I will try and stay down for awhile.
I got up and went to the bathroom then walked to the back room/laundry room, no purpose in mind out of bed and hoping even though pain is still very much present that it wouldn’t increase much, I then slowly walked to the other end of the house, pain woke up and isn’t happy with me. I made my way back into bed. I keep trying anything involving walking and slight movement in the remote chance that the pain levels out and I could maybe go to work, doing what I don’t know but this struggle is at the top of the charts for most difficult ones that I can remember. Of course with my memory issues isn’t necessarily saying much.
One thing about being stuck in bed with only my thoughts for company I don’t know for sure if my brain flickers. With the way my thoughts race and careen around I think I zone out like a small flicker. If I can’t grasp on any thoughts I am just a blank screen.
Throughout this past week or so, have been trying to figure out what seems like everything because I am so completely lost, confused and frustrated. Enough so that one of the things that I am going to have to do, no choice about it, is to trust other and ask for help in a system that I strongly disagree with. I need help, and I want help navigating the issues that have arisen around me. But trusting anyone (including myself) is something that I am extremely inexperienced at. I know I should take baby steps and address one thing at a time. I need to get a grasp on a lot more than that. I think this situation requires me somehow handling several different issues at once. Which I am not mentally capable of doing right now.
Therapy and psychologists, counselors in one form or another, in general, basically teach methods involving one step at a time, for anxieties, depression, etc. For most situations I agree with that. However nobody has ever been able to explain how to navigate scenarios such as mine. At least not with fully understanding the mental effects the situation has instilled into people affected.
In my situation, This back and leg issue is front and center of what needs addressed asap. However, work / income, insurance, what changes are coming because of the main issue need to be addressed also so some kind of stability can be attained. Having nobody by my side creates its own set of obstacles regarding the main issue.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm not sure how it works outside the UK. But here the doctor can refer you to a council worker, who comes to your house, and then go through things that would help you the most, they cover everything mental health help, nurses, help with safety and cleaning. But I'm not sure if that's a thing out in America