My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
What am I supposed to do? The human thing is to chase the cure, go through medication trials and treatments, but the end result is more than likely some form of dementia. I’m already past the life expectancy age. I live alone, have no friends or family, so if the medication trials go badly, what happens?? My brain is already warning me of the future with these flickerings getting worse and worse. This has progressed rapidly.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Iam.
You told earlier that you have 3 siblings. Can you have some contact with them (or do they live far away).
@Helgafy
Contacting them is not an option. I tried that and it was made very clear to keep things as they have been, no contact. Thank you for the idea though.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi.
That is SO! sad. But you have a God who cares for you always. See what Jeremiah 31.20 says. You probably know that instead of Ephraim you can put your own name.
Is Ephraim my dear son?
uIs he my darling child?
I do remember him still.
vTherefore my heart2 yearns for him;
I will surely have mercy on him,
declares the Lord.
I just need to finish the tree thing soon. I just wish I wasn’t so exhausted and drained when I get home from work. I could get it done within a few hours I think. Even with my brain issues.
Headaches, brain flickers, brain fog, memory lapses, memory losses, severe depression (and all the things that accompany it), social anxiety, childhood trauma, lifelong exposure to trauma, broken give a darn, extreme loneliness, extreme hermititas , compulsive behaviors, easily frustrated and quickly angered, constantly overwhelmed and exhausted and completely drained, newly realized extreme claustrophobia, possibly have CTE (but can’t be positively identified until my time expires) , though that diagnosis explains so much, failed at parenting, failed at everything, .
I am laying here trying to get motivated to get up and go to work. I am not sure why but I am dreading going there today . I always struggle with motivation and all that but this underlying feeling of dread I have felt before reaching traumatic scenes.
I am going to go but I fear the end result won’t be good.
I am going to try and finish that other thing tonight, the tree thing. I’m going to try and do it regardless of how I feel, I fear time is running at a record pace and my abilities to focus are diminishing quickly so in order for me to give this gift to this community as completely as I can, I fear I need to get it done yesterday.
I have another part to this gift that sends a message that I feel is very important that should be shared when this is completed.
https://share.icloud.com/photos/0c4JLmPv0XsbS3mwl9BqgaGZw
https://share.icloud.com/photos/02cSshtRZCscdjP-RtPU1IhgA
https://share.icloud.com/photos/0d1xtGHIGkmH2kCDmpMvcBXSw
The tree thing is done , above is links to 3 different clips of this dedication to everyone here. The left tree represents newbie’s and the right after getting showered with 7 cups kindness.
Thank you everyone. I am truly appreciative and grateful to each and every one of you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Could you also add jpegs?
@juliak1968
do you want them with white or colored lights or both, basically what exactly are you wanting. I will try and take them for you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Thank you, can I see both? I'm just leery about clicking on cloud links. I appreciate it!~
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh Iam this is so beautiful! I'm so proud of you. You have shown such determination and perseverance to finish these beautiful trees. And to share them here with everyone. You are just an amazing person. I am so grateful and honored to have met you here. Thank you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, but it is because of people like you that helped give me the strength to finish it.
Please share this with all, it is dedicated to everyone here. I don’t like being in the spotlight so I may try and stay off of here for s few days.
I just hope this brings happiness to as many as possible here. Thank you for everything.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Its a beautiful dedication Iam. You're a good person and I'm sure many people will enjoy this. This is such an wonderful example of community I think
I can understand that you need to take a step back from the spotlight and that's ok. You take good care of yourself ok? You'll be missed ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you , I am going to probably ramble here a little tonight and then try and take a step back tomorrow. I need this place this rambling keeps what little sanity I have left in check.
I started another thread for this dedication, I included the links for the clips. If more people are interested in browsing it , hopefully they will check it out there. In case I can’t stay away and need to ramble here. I don’t want to add any negativity to their gift.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Ramble away my friend. I'll be sitting with you quietly. This is your safe space to ramble and I think a separate thread for your dedication is a wonderful idea!
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
This is something you and all of us here really can appreciate. They are so beautiful. Thank you for making my day🤶
All three should be a little different, mainly the right tree a little different lighting effects. If I posted one twice, please let me know I will try and send a link to the missing one.
Head is throbbing all over, I am trying to keep an anxiety / panic attack from escalating , my depression is so rampant I am crying. I keep having visions of things that I am assuming I experienced at some point in time.
What is next? This nonsense is getting old like me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hold on tight my brother. Take some deep breaths to calm your mind down and then try to lie down and rest a bit. We love you and are sitting with you❤️
I apologize in advance to anyone who posts to my threads if I don’t respond to each one of them. My anxiety is on the edge constantly right now along with everything else and my brain and fingers are not communicating very well. Thank you all for letting me be here.
My head feels like it’s being pounded on by multiple sledgehammers at once, and the speed of thoughts has increased tenfold.
Taking the time off from work, now that it has started, not sure that was the wisest of decisions. I have too much acting up right now to be completely alone. At work I struggle but I have something to distract me a little.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami that sounds really scary being completely alone when you have a lot going on i understand you wanting to be around people that can help quickly but i hope you remember you can call your emergency number and they can come and take you to a hospital if you want to go i think that is just what the people at work would do for you.
