What am I supposed to do? The human thing is to chase the cure, go through medication trials and treatments, but the end result is more than likely some form of dementia. I’m already past the life expectancy age. I live alone, have no friends or family, so if the medication trials go badly, what happens?? My brain is already warning me of the future with these flickerings getting worse and worse. This has progressed rapidly.

I just need to finish the tree thing soon. I just wish I wasn’t so exhausted and drained when I get home from work. I could get it done within a few hours I think. Even with my brain issues.

Headaches, brain flickers, brain fog, memory lapses, memory losses, severe depression (and all the things that accompany it), social anxiety, childhood trauma, lifelong exposure to trauma, broken give a darn, extreme loneliness, extreme hermititas , compulsive behaviors, easily frustrated and quickly angered, constantly overwhelmed and exhausted and completely drained, newly realized extreme claustrophobia, possibly have CTE (but can’t be positively identified until my time expires) , though that diagnosis explains so much, failed at parenting, failed at everything, .

I am laying here trying to get motivated to get up and go to work. I am not sure why but I am dreading going there today . I always struggle with motivation and all that but this underlying feeling of dread I have felt before reaching traumatic scenes.

I am going to go but I fear the end result won’t be good.

I am going to try and finish that other thing tonight, the tree thing. I’m going to try and do it regardless of how I feel, I fear time is running at a record pace and my abilities to focus are diminishing quickly so in order for me to give this gift to this community as completely as I can, I fear I need to get it done yesterday.

I have another part to this gift that sends a message that I feel is very important that should be shared when this is completed.

https://share.icloud.com/photos/0c4JLmPv0XsbS3mwl9BqgaGZw

https://share.icloud.com/photos/02cSshtRZCscdjP-RtPU1IhgA

https://share.icloud.com/photos/0d1xtGHIGkmH2kCDmpMvcBXSw

The tree thing is done , above is links to 3 different clips of this dedication to everyone here. The left tree represents newbie’s and the right after getting showered with 7 cups kindness.

Thank you everyone. I am truly appreciative and grateful to each and every one of you.

All three should be a little different, mainly the right tree a little different lighting effects. If I posted one twice, please let me know I will try and send a link to the missing one.

Head is throbbing all over, I am trying to keep an anxiety / panic attack from escalating , my depression is so rampant I am crying. I keep having visions of things that I am assuming I experienced at some point in time.

What is next? This nonsense is getting old like me.

I apologize in advance to anyone who posts to my threads if I don’t respond to each one of them. My anxiety is on the edge constantly right now along with everything else and my brain and fingers are not communicating very well. Thank you all for letting me be here.

My head feels like it’s being pounded on by multiple sledgehammers at once, and the speed of thoughts has increased tenfold.

Taking the time off from work, now that it has started, not sure that was the wisest of decisions. I have too much acting up right now to be completely alone. At work I struggle but I have something to distract me a little.