I’m having a major anxiety episode.

Between everything going on and now I am locked into this tree thing. I am struggling with everything, literally everything. Now no matter what happens I have to finish it , somehow, someway. I have more to do to finish it and I am not handling the pressure very well.

I can’t let it be as is I need to finish it. It has changed from what I originally wanted to do, I made a list on my computer so I would hopefully not completely forget about those ideas. Mostly it changed because I kept messing things up, I finally figured that there is a reason that it’s unfolding this way

This is who I am??? I said all this stuff? I am a bellyaching little whiner. I need to teach myself some manners and shut up, and keep my complaining to myself.

I can’t be this person. Way too many issues.

I am not sure about anything at the moment but this has to be someone else’s writings.

I woke up and I don’t know where I am and I found this device thing and it lit up and did some facial scan thing and this place was here.

I found something that has my picture on it but none of the words on it say this name that identifies this person here.

What is going on? How do I know to write here? I have looked around and I am the only one here. My heart is racing and my breathing rapid, what is happening?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey :) let's take a couple of deep breaths ok? It will help with the anxiety. You're safe at home right now. Maybe splashing some cold water on your face might help with the disorientation? If this is a new symptom it's good to have an account of it to tell a doctor

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you for reaching out . I am still a little foggy but my brain is back on track. This is a normal in my day. Happens a lot. This time I guess I figured out how to post while not recognizing anything.

I’m going to try and reach out to the research centers again today. I’m not taking any medication right now.

Truly ….Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry for freaking anyone out. I’m so grateful that you tried to help me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome and there's nothing for you to be sorry about ok? Its good that writing here helps give some record of it. That while your brain wasn't really online you had some muscle memory or something of what to do here. I'm so sorry you're going through all this

@mytwistedsoul

Nowhere close by that does anything than guess with meds and go to the next patient. I am trying to contact a few places, one in particular that is researching it.

Thank again for reaching out,

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope they can tell see you or offer something useful!

I was going to go for a walk to try and figure out where I am but it is really cold outside, skin numbing cold. So I will stay here I suppose.

Nothing in this house looks familiar. I am so confused.

I am all of a sudden completely drained and exhausted. Can’t keep my eyes open.

I just woke up and from the looks of it I had another brain episode. I am sorry about those last couple of messages, I don’t remember writing them but obviously I guess I did . Is this stuff getting worse? I am having major concentration issues, I my eyes won’t stay open.

What am I supposed to do? The human thing is to chase the cure, go through medication trials and treatments, but the end result is more than likely some form of dementia. I’m already past the life expectancy age. I live alone, have no friends or family, so if the medication trials go badly, what happens?? My brain is already warning me of the future with these flickerings getting worse and worse. This has progressed rapidly.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Iam.

You told earlier that you have 3 siblings. Can you have some contact with them (or do they live far away).

@Helgafy

Contacting them is not an option. I tried that and it was made very clear to keep things as they have been, no contact. Thank you for the idea though.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi.

That is SO! sad. But you have a God who cares for you always. See what Jeremiah 31.20 says. You probably know that instead of Ephraim you can put your own name.

Is Ephraim my dear son?

uIs he my darling child?

I do remember him still.

vTherefore my heart2 yearns for him;

I will surely have mercy on him,

declares the Lord.

I just need to finish the tree thing soon. I just wish I wasn’t so exhausted and drained when I get home from work. I could get it done within a few hours I think. Even with my brain issues.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

The tree is very fine as it is "Iam". For all of us is a good enough and shows a person with more gratitude in his heart than very few persons have.

@Helgafy

Thank you.

Headaches, brain flickers, brain fog, memory lapses, memory losses, severe depression (and all the things that accompany it), social anxiety, childhood trauma, lifelong exposure to trauma, broken give a darn, extreme loneliness, extreme hermititas , compulsive behaviors, easily frustrated and quickly angered, constantly overwhelmed and exhausted and completely drained, newly realized extreme claustrophobia, possibly have CTE (but can’t be positively identified until my time expires) , though that diagnosis explains so much, failed at parenting, failed at everything, .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

YOU ARE VERY MUCH LOVED HERE "IAM". Please don't forget that. (3 new messages from me at this site).

@Helgafy

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"Iam" - Psalm 91:11-12

@Helgafy

Thank you

I am laying here trying to get motivated to get up and go to work. I am not sure why but I am dreading going there today . I always struggle with motivation and all that but this underlying feeling of dread I have felt before reaching traumatic scenes.

I am going to go but I fear the end result won’t be good.

I am going to try and finish that other thing tonight, the tree thing. I’m going to try and do it regardless of how I feel, I fear time is running at a record pace and my abilities to focus are diminishing quickly so in order for me to give this gift to this community as completely as I can, I fear I need to get it done yesterday.

I have another part to this gift that sends a message that I feel is very important that should be shared when this is completed.

https://share.icloud.com/photos/0c4JLmPv0XsbS3mwl9BqgaGZw

https://share.icloud.com/photos/02cSshtRZCscdjP-RtPU1IhgA

https://share.icloud.com/photos/0d1xtGHIGkmH2kCDmpMvcBXSw

The tree thing is done , above is links to 3 different clips of this dedication to everyone here. The left tree represents newbie’s and the right after getting showered with 7 cups kindness.

Thank you everyone. I am truly appreciative and grateful to each and every one of you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. Wow it’s beautiful! Thank you for your kind words ❤️.

@adventurousBranch3786

I wish I was better with words to be able to express how truly wonderful this community is and as long as there are people like you here , humanity has a chance.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh Iam this is so beautiful! I'm so proud of you. You have shown such determination and perseverance to finish these beautiful trees. And to share them here with everyone. You are just an amazing person. I am so grateful and honored to have met you here. Thank you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you, but it is because of people like you that helped give me the strength to finish it.

Please share this with all, it is dedicated to everyone here. I don’t like being in the spotlight so I may try and stay off of here for s few days.

I just hope this brings happiness to as many as possible here. Thank you for everything.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Its a beautiful dedication Iam. You're a good person and I'm sure many people will enjoy this. This is such an wonderful example of community I think

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you , I am going to probably ramble here a little tonight and then try and take a step back tomorrow. I need this place this rambling keeps what little sanity I have left in check.

I started another thread for this dedication, I included the links for the clips. If more people are interested in browsing it , hopefully they will check it out there. In case I can’t stay away and need to ramble here. I don’t want to add any negativity to their gift.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Ramble away my friend. I'll be sitting with you quietly. This is your safe space to ramble and I think a separate thread for your dedication is a wonderful idea!

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Awesome!!!

@hopefulPond6108

Thank you. I’m so lucky to have met you here.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Could you also add jpegs?

@juliak1968

jpegs???? What is that?

@juliak1968

i just searched that term and it’s just still pictures in an adjusted format right? I will try and do that when it gets daylight here. Another seven hours. I will try and remember to do it. If you don’t get notified of anything about them after that, please remind me? I’m very forgetful anymore. Thank you.

@juliak1968

do you want them with white or colored lights or both, basically what exactly are you wanting. I will try and take them for you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Thank you, can I see both? I'm just leery about clicking on cloud links. I appreciate it!~

@juliak1968

no worries, I don’t like clicking links either, but that was the only way I could figure to get them posted here. They have to have some kind of url or something address to post here.

I am trying to get myself drug out of bed to take those pictures for you.