My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
Trigger warning for mention of death
I have been trying to continue researching CTE. I am going to try and communicate what I found with doctor. I am relatively certain that is what is going on with my brain.
From all that I’ve read it can’t be officially diagnosed until after death. MRI and other imaging can’t detect it. But all the “new” issues I have been struggling with all correlate with CTE. Which happens do to excessive head trauma.
I have been debating whether or not I should say something to my neighbor about this CTE thing, not that they would care but just in case things progress much further down that road. Is it worth putting myself through an anxiety attack or not.
The more I think about it that is the worst diagnosis possible because it completely fits but there is nothing that can be done about it
meds may or may not do anything at all and medical professionals no little to nothing about it. Speed of progression is unknown, they believe average life expectancy is 51. I have hit that mark….so???? At the speed my cognitive issues are declining I can only guess but a few months of “sanity “ left?
Everything is a complete guessing game. My life is a complete mess and now this.
It truly brings to light the question of why bother trying. Even if I had the strength to fight this the future is a dimming one.
The progression of this is not one of any positive outcome. I keep saying I accept my fate, and I don’t have a choice but I am not 100% accepting this . How do I proceed?
What do I do? If this is the path I am destined It basically ends badly. Dementia, extreme volatility are strong possibilities .
So the consequences on me are bad enough but the people around me …strangers… could suffer because of me.
Not cool
My suffering….ok. Anyone else..not acceptable.
There is no positive path possible now.
Even if I could move to positivity, it is guaranteed to be ripped out at any time .
If I am going to keep getting knocked down, there’s no point in getting back up.
I think I am going to try and finish the tree idea tomorrow, that is the only thing I can think of doing right now.
I am a whining crybaby I know, but I don’t know what to do or where to turn to.
I probably sound like a broken record and I actually feel like one.
I’m not a doctor but I always have known my own body and if the doctors listened to me they realized I was either completely right or close enough to that they had an easy finish on diagnosis and treatment began. That is why I believe I am correct in my assessment of my situation. I may be losing a grip but I do know what’s been going on and I am the only one that is willing to take the time and research it the way the doctors should be.
