Cycles of PTSD

The feelings of helplessness and guilt seems so tied together.

so... I decided to push myself today. I called the counseling service again and of course I lost courage when I heard the beep and hung up. I have thought about this for a while and I just don't have the courage to talk to an answering machine!

Thus I decided to write an email instead and I pressed SEND. Phew, I should be relieved but I am totally stressed. I wish I could take back the email and just call again next week, yet it is done and I now have to just accept it. All of the sudden I am not ready for counseling. I am not ready for this I do not want to do it. I am a little panicky now.

I am still all anxious about that email I sent yesterday. I shouldn't be, that is such a first world problem. I have food, shelter, and I live in a safe place. If only I could get that into my head that being worried over a tiny email is overreacting.

Finished reading the 7cups book last night - I couldn't sleep. There are a lot of good points in that book. It made me want to sign up as a listener, but I am not sure I am ready for that, I am too much in survival mode right now. At what point do you feel ready for that.

The past few days I have gone back to working on my grounding techniques again and I have done a little bit of reaching out, It is an ambivalent feeling not to be giving up. When nothing seems to be working and I get so overly tired and fatigued I eventually run out of energy and just can't keep up, thus it was a relief to just give up. Then the feelings of helplessness and guilt kicks in because I am not doing anything and all of the sudden I feel like I am back in an even worse crisis than before, only now it is even harder to pick myself up. Thus I need help - I just need someone to help keep me in place while I relearn how to "swim" again. However, I do not look forward to the process of counseling. It is so difficult to come face to face with the issues and deal with it in a way so I still can feel safe. It makes me want to give up again thinking of all that. Deep breath.

waking up after nightmares is a turbulent time and in that moment I am ready to do counseling because that seems like the lesser scary option rather than another nightmare. Now, however, that I am awake and feeling a little more on solid ground I again start having doubts. Overall though, I can feel a shifting in my thinking. The email is sent, I can't retract it. I have to deal with the situation, can't just "hang up".

Yesterday I felt panicky most of the day because I felt like I went faster than I was ready for. I do think I made good decisions as I spent some time trying to reach out just to feel connected to stop the feelings of spinning out of control. I also tried to respond to other people's postings (that made me feel a littly hypocritical because I am not doing so well with my own stuff).

Today I am wobbling between excuses for backing out and reasons for why I should start therapy. I feel foggy because I am tired and a bit overwhelmed with all of this. A little bit of denial or hiding would be nice right now.

Continue to work on the pro and con list for counseling.

I also stated a list with what I want to accomplish if I go through with it. I think I need to write out/practice ways I can safely say stop, when I can't handle the topic.

Nightmares: I wish you would take a hint and just stop. All the thinking about therapy and the anxiety thereof has gotten me a little rattled. But, yes I have nightmares without therapy so what if I have nightmares with therapy! Looking at that way makes it sound so logic and less scary, then I go through a night and I feel as if I can't tolerate it if it gets worse.

How do I deal with work if I get increased flashbacks? - not sure I like the answer to that one.

Would it be inconsiderate to bring a written list to a first seesion with a therapist with things I would like to work on? (I already started one).

I was thinking perhaps I could list as number one the need for relearning coping skills and I could also list the ones I am currently using that are not working very effectively.

I am not sure how to bring up the subject otherwise as something to work on first - would it be pushy to just ask? I am trying to practice initial conversations in my mind with a therapist and it all sounds so demanding or I feel like I am inappropriate in asking for that to be what I need to work on first.

I made a list of what I need to work on, what I have done in the past, what I want to accomplish, and just some random thoughts that I might want to share with the therapist or perhaps not.

also thinking about getting me a paper journal.

I went for a little walk in a park, and it was so nice to just enjoy the sunshine warming me. Of to the side of the trail in a grassy spot I saw a little baby rabbit just enjoying itself eating grass not caring whether I was there or not. I got all lost in the joy of the moment. The little ears turning, the little bunnyhops, the munching on the grass, it was so cute, innocent, relaxing, and just pure joy to be observing the little rabbit.

It felt so good to be feeling relaxed for a while. I want to remember this feeling and the image of this little rabbit, it was such a positive moment.

@TrineT I cqan totally relate to the lack of sleep, I hate it when I lack sleep..I feel horrible. PTSD and lack of sleep is a bad mix.

Today is going to be a difficult one I think. Sleep was elusive with nightmares that was a little too intense at times. I wake up and I feel so exhausted from lack of sleep, then the fear, guilt, grief, helplessness slowly take over for a while and it feels overwhelming. I fall back asleep eventually and i starts all over again. I truly makes you hate having to go to sleep. I tried to think of the little bunny I saw yesterday, I listened to a guided meditation, and I tried to tell myself it is not happening right now. It is just as if the nightmares are too strong or perhaps my coping skills are too weak, I can't seem to overcome the nightmares (nor the flashbacks during the daytime).

Why do I have to be grateful to be a survivor - I never asked for any of this in the first place. "I should just forget and move on", well I tried that and it is not working so well right now. I am feeling hurtful and angry.