Cycles of PTSD

@TrineT

It's okay to still be on plan A in the afternoon if it's working, it's working. Time schedules may change in my experience. What we intended to do. It's good you are trying to keep your schedule. That's great. Sounds like your plan is in order, but it's okay to deviate from it if something else is working well, and you have taken care of necessities. :) Good job!

The sleep medication helped. I got several hours of sleep. I am not a fan of taking that kind of sleep aid on a regular basis as they cloud me the next day. But there are times like now when they are needed. Today I am going to church, enjoying the music. That is the only task I am setting for myself for today. I feel groggy, but also glad that my body got some needed rest.

This was the message at church today:

"Trust steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly"

I felt like the message hit a homerun.

I struggle with all three - but I struggle in particular with hope right now.

This was my flashback today.

I was sitting comfortably in my big chair looking at beautiful nature photos, when all of the sudden I have these feelings of terror and immense fear. I know where I am at, yet the images, memories and emotions are telling me differently. my mouth is dry and I am shaking. I am trying to say the word hope not sure if I am saying it out loud. It is difficult to breathe because I am so scared. It is tremendously overwhelming and I feel so helpless, I want this to stop but I feel powerless in doing so. I keep struggling with the word hope and at the same time I know I have lost. After a while I come out of it just for it to come back a couple more times. I am absolutely worn out now.

Afterwards I am feeling so guilty that I just gave up - I did not try hard enough. I never did try hard enough, that is my problem I think. The guilt is so multi layered by now, I can't even phanthom handling just a little of it. I tell my self that I will work on it some more to get better next time, but I also feel like I am just placating myself, I don't believe in what I am telling myself.

I am just trying to get through the day, so much anxiety is building up. I tried to call a counselor today but I did not even dare to leave a message on the answering machine. I know I need help but I am also scared of going through the process. I am not feeling strong enough right now.

The PTSD interferes so much that I can barely function - I need help, I don't think I am able to do it on my own. Yet, I don't want to accept help because it means I will have to open up! Maybe tomorrow

It can be a vicious cycle until you find the strength to take that first step. Making the call might be easier than you think. Remember all you are doing is setting up a future appointment, not opening up your soul that very moment.@TrineT

I have so much on my mind but I refuse to even talk about it I can't handle it.....

@bestMelon743,

I am not in a position to say anything as I cant get it right myself, but I want you to know you are not alone in feeling so. It takes so much to deal with just a little bit

I have done it for three days now - I call the office for counseling services and when I get the answering machine I chicken out and hang up. I have tried the whole planning of what message to leave, but as soon as I hear the beep I hang up. One day I will have the courage to leave a message.

@TrineT

Its actually very difficult making that first connection with a counsellor, I did exactly the same as you are doing now, thinking I could manage everything on my own, the truth was, I actually wasn't doing a very good job at it, the time came to make the call, I like you, hesitated for days and days on end, and got quite upset and annoyed with myself because I couldnt find the strength to make one phone call, not just one call, but the all important call, so I guess what in trying to say, is, don't beat yourself up about this, take each step as it comes, and deal with it the best way you know how, so what if it takes many attempts to make the initial contact again, you will make that call, when you are ready to make it, but know when you eventually do, it will most likely be the best phone call you've made in a while.

It may not feel like it now, but I think your doing a grand job, by coming here and airing your thoughts, let me ask you, are you finding your writing beneficial at all? Are you gaining some relief by writing how you feel?

My thoughts are with you, and I really hope you can make that call soon!

Take care of yourself

Emma x

@professionalPerspective60,

journaling, I think, helps me. I have only done it for three weeks since starting here. The process of writing helps me to clarify my thoughts and feelings when it can be overwhelming. On the most difficult of days I find it intimidating to sit and try and write as I can't find my focus or I feel so down I don't want anyone else to read what I feel.

However, as you stated your question it made me go back and read my own entries and I feel like I can get a better sense of how I am doing and where I am at in this process.

The feelings of helplessness and guilt seems so tied together.

so... I decided to push myself today. I called the counseling service again and of course I lost courage when I heard the beep and hung up. I have thought about this for a while and I just don't have the courage to talk to an answering machine!

Thus I decided to write an email instead and I pressed SEND. Phew, I should be relieved but I am totally stressed. I wish I could take back the email and just call again next week, yet it is done and I now have to just accept it. All of the sudden I am not ready for counseling. I am not ready for this I do not want to do it. I am a little panicky now.

I am still all anxious about that email I sent yesterday. I shouldn't be, that is such a first world problem. I have food, shelter, and I live in a safe place. If only I could get that into my head that being worried over a tiny email is overreacting.

Finished reading the 7cups book last night - I couldn't sleep. There are a lot of good points in that book. It made me want to sign up as a listener, but I am not sure I am ready for that, I am too much in survival mode right now. At what point do you feel ready for that.

The past few days I have gone back to working on my grounding techniques again and I have done a little bit of reaching out, It is an ambivalent feeling not to be giving up. When nothing seems to be working and I get so overly tired and fatigued I eventually run out of energy and just can't keep up, thus it was a relief to just give up. Then the feelings of helplessness and guilt kicks in because I am not doing anything and all of the sudden I feel like I am back in an even worse crisis than before, only now it is even harder to pick myself up. Thus I need help - I just need someone to help keep me in place while I relearn how to "swim" again. However, I do not look forward to the process of counseling. It is so difficult to come face to face with the issues and deal with it in a way so I still can feel safe. It makes me want to give up again thinking of all that. Deep breath.

waking up after nightmares is a turbulent time and in that moment I am ready to do counseling because that seems like the lesser scary option rather than another nightmare. Now, however, that I am awake and feeling a little more on solid ground I again start having doubts. Overall though, I can feel a shifting in my thinking. The email is sent, I can't retract it. I have to deal with the situation, can't just "hang up".

Yesterday I felt panicky most of the day because I felt like I went faster than I was ready for. I do think I made good decisions as I spent some time trying to reach out just to feel connected to stop the feelings of spinning out of control. I also tried to respond to other people's postings (that made me feel a littly hypocritical because I am not doing so well with my own stuff).

Today I am wobbling between excuses for backing out and reasons for why I should start therapy. I feel foggy because I am tired and a bit overwhelmed with all of this. A little bit of denial or hiding would be nice right now.

@TrineT

I've found the journey of healing is an up and down - forward and backward process. Over time however with taking our baby steps forward, when we look back we can see some of that rogress we've been making.

I hope you will find the courage deep inside to follow through on connecting with a counselor. A counselor who knows about trauma can be a strong ally who can help you to learn more and help carry your load. When you listen inside, what do you think? Any pros or cons?

In my opinion, it's okay to take a day off and not be so hard on you. Give yourself permission to relax one day and not worry if you can... give yourself 20 minutes to worry then rest.

Hang in there Trine - you're worth it.

Continue to work on the pro and con list for counseling.

I also stated a list with what I want to accomplish if I go through with it. I think I need to write out/practice ways I can safely say stop, when I can't handle the topic.

Nightmares: I wish you would take a hint and just stop. All the thinking about therapy and the anxiety thereof has gotten me a little rattled. But, yes I have nightmares without therapy so what if I have nightmares with therapy! Looking at that way makes it sound so logic and less scary, then I go through a night and I feel as if I can't tolerate it if it gets worse.

How do I deal with work if I get increased flashbacks? - not sure I like the answer to that one.

@TrineT

You really are doing good in even considering therapy. It's a frightening avenue, but so worth it for many people. Have you thought about after the intake asking to work on coping skills first? If so, how might you ask about that while conveying the ones you already use?

Would it be inconsiderate to bring a written list to a first seesion with a therapist with things I would like to work on? (I already started one).

I was thinking perhaps I could list as number one the need for relearning coping skills and I could also list the ones I am currently using that are not working very effectively.

I am not sure how to bring up the subject otherwise as something to work on first - would it be pushy to just ask? I am trying to practice initial conversations in my mind with a therapist and it all sounds so demanding or I feel like I am inappropriate in asking for that to be what I need to work on first.

I made a list of what I need to work on, what I have done in the past, what I want to accomplish, and just some random thoughts that I might want to share with the therapist or perhaps not.

also thinking about getting me a paper journal.

I found that my first discussion went much easier than I thought it would. Bring your list. Whatever you need to help that person get to know you. Remember they are there to care. @TrineT

@TrineT

Best is right... having a list or letter is not inappropriate to help you remember what you want to check out and ask about. Great ideas.

I went for a little walk in a park, and it was so nice to just enjoy the sunshine warming me. Of to the side of the trail in a grassy spot I saw a little baby rabbit just enjoying itself eating grass not caring whether I was there or not. I got all lost in the joy of the moment. The little ears turning, the little bunnyhops, the munching on the grass, it was so cute, innocent, relaxing, and just pure joy to be observing the little rabbit.

It felt so good to be feeling relaxed for a while. I want to remember this feeling and the image of this little rabbit, it was such a positive moment.

Those are those moments of mindfulness that you are looking for that help keep you going.@TrineT

@TrineT I cqan totally relate to the lack of sleep, I hate it when I lack sleep..I feel horrible. PTSD and lack of sleep is a bad mix.

Today is going to be a difficult one I think. Sleep was elusive with nightmares that was a little too intense at times. I wake up and I feel so exhausted from lack of sleep, then the fear, guilt, grief, helplessness slowly take over for a while and it feels overwhelming. I fall back asleep eventually and i starts all over again. I truly makes you hate having to go to sleep. I tried to think of the little bunny I saw yesterday, I listened to a guided meditation, and I tried to tell myself it is not happening right now. It is just as if the nightmares are too strong or perhaps my coping skills are too weak, I can't seem to overcome the nightmares (nor the flashbacks during the daytime).

Why do I have to be grateful to be a survivor - I never asked for any of this in the first place. "I should just forget and move on", well I tried that and it is not working so well right now. I am feeling hurtful and angry.

@TrineT, I don't think what you are looking for will ever come. I just think your ability to live with and cope with it improves. Maybe someday you'll get to a point where you can learn from it. I think with time you can take away learned experiences....or at least this is what the shrink keeps telling my husband. 😔

sorry you are hurting.

Spent some time with my coloring book and trying to calm down after yesterday. (thanks 7cups that was a realxation tip I got from here)

The anger, it is still there simmering underneath the surface. Why did I take the comments personal, I should know better. I have to learn that their intention is not to hurt but rather to help. A lot of people do not know what to say and so they just say whatever comes to mind thinking it might be helpful. This is part of why I do not like to open up, I feel like I have to only say things that people can easily handle, and I have to say it in such a way that most people can just give a very benign response. That makes me feel manipulative and like a liar. Like not too long ago I had a flashback at work, and used the excuse of strong nausea as to why I had to leave the room. People can relate to nausea, I do not have to share difficult stuff, but I just lied.

Last night was nightmare after nightmare. I am exhausted this morning. I wish my body and my mind would respond a little less intense each time I had the same nightmare just like desensitivity training.

I have been feeling a heaviness on my spirit; that is the best way to describe it. Then I realized it is just a month away September 11th. I get like this every year but now I can identify it. I hate that they will start showing it all ofver the TV the planes, people running its 15 years and I hate this feeling. I like staying close to home around my family. I will pray for this to pass.

I am feeling so scared of this counseling decision I made. If I am this scared does that not mean I have made a mistake? My stomach is all upset and my chest feel so tight that I have to consciuosly make myself take some deep breaths. I am not scared of the counseling place, I am a little nervous about meeting the counselor, and I am terrified of the whole idea of counseling. I am so afraid of things not working, what if the nightmares and flashbacks just get worse, what am I to do then? Will I lose my job if I have more flashbacks at work, I am not sure I can handle all the memories and emotions all at once, am I even safe then? I don't have an answer and I don't have a plan for if that happens. I am feeling really scared these days.

I am just hanging in there today - doing my routines - get up, go to work. I feel like that is all I can handle today. There are too many emotions in regards to counseling and how I am doing right now.

@TrineT

Taking care of you Trine, is what is most important. Remember, there is no lifetime commitment here with a therapist. Just hang in there... maybe it'll be the perfect fit between the two of you.

So nervous about the counseling appointment today - I feel like my heart is jumping out of my chest. I am as shaky as if I had drank a whole pot of strong coffee. I hope it goes well and that all my fears are proved wrong.

The first meeting with a counselor went well, it was not as scary as I had thought. I was most certainly nervous and I am glad I had brought a list with me of what I wanted to accomplish with therapy because when asked the question I felt like I couldnt remember much.

The counselor was calm and I did not feel pushed or rushed and I left the office feeling like I had been given some hope. I was also told that it could get worse but only for a short time while we go through tough stuff.

It was most certainly exhausting because I had so much anxiety built up before hand.

First thing first - I am going to work on my existing coping skills and grounding skills so they can get effective again. I was told one of the ways to do that is by adding layers onto what I already do.

I have to remin d myself that the grounding skills are not expected to work on the first try. It takes practice. I get my hopes up and when something does not work I get so diappointed that I have to remind myself not to give up but keep practicing. I feel extremely exhausted today after a night with very restless sleep. Counseling is not a magic thing but right now I wish it was.

It feels difficult to retain the hope I felt Monday after leaving counseling. When you have a lack of sleep everything is so much harder to focus on. It takes a lot to gather your energy to do small tasks. It is back to struggling again. What a roller coaster ride - but what goes down must come up. I just got to keep holding on, I am working on it, I am not passive, it will get better, I can get through today.

trying to come up with some positive affirmations and I am continuing to work on grounding skills, but it can feel a little empty, when you don't feel it is true what you write down as an affirmation. I feel a little better than yesterday. Last night I got almost a full night's sleep, it was wonderful.

@TrineT

You're doing well Trine. :) It is a yo yo process.. but you can get through it.

I am not alone

I am loved

I am healing