Cycles of PTSD

The last two nights - same old same old - rough "sleep". yesterday I felt really worn down and not happy at all. I didn't want to talk to anyone, did not want to eat, did not want my garden, did not want 7cups, did not....etc just one of those days. Nothing could pick me up that day, Nor did I want to be picked up - or so it felt. Then another night with crazy dreams, had to get up and change sheets as I was soaking wet from sweat, heart pounding, dry mouth, feeling shaky, dizzy, and as mad as I could ever be. I was so angry and mad at the whole world and myself. Just STOP IT, STOP those dreams, STOP those feelings. It was 3:30 before I got back to bed. Then miracles happened. I woke up at 05:00 in the morning and felt great! I was in a good mood, coffee tasted good, felt wide awake!!! How did that happen??? I am baffled. It almost felt comical. Work was great, I made some of the best judgement calls that truly saved one of my patients. I felt ALIVE. and not a single flashback.

Life is crazy I don't understand it. but I do know that I am absolutely in need of nutrition, sleep, and perhaps some "tea" I would like to order what ever kinda sleep I had from 03:30 - 05:00 this morning because it made me feel like superwoman.

Today was - meehhh!

Yesterday was such a great day with lots of positive energy. Today I felt like an energizer bunny in need of a recharge. I didn't feel super anxious, stressed, sad or angry - rather, it was like an empty feeling. Not that I didn't care, I just couldn't "feel" my feelings. Phew, I better stop here And get some sleep. I can barely make sense out of it myself.

yeah, slept good. probably the best sleep I have had in three weeks. I am not sure if I have hit a turning point in this PTSD cycle. I have been down this road too many a times. But every good night or day counts. I am not going to worry about if this is the end of this PTSD cycle or if there is more to come, instead, today I am going to celebrate I had some quality rest. I did have dreams but thery were not nightmares or terrors - just dreams.

Today is even a stressfree day - no real work, just class all day learning about new exciting stuff.

Thanks for all the positive feedback on previous posts they have had such a great influence when the days and nights have appeared insurmountable. Your kind words have most certainly help hold up my spirit and your suggestions have allowed me to find hope that there are new views and techniques that I have not yet tried, thus there is still hope there is an end to this PTSD.

Embarrassed and upset

Today I was learning about some new exiting ways we can help heart Failure patients. There were eight of us in the class and 2 instructors. I felt good because I had slept great. Overall I am still a bit fatigued and the appetite has yet to arrive - but all in good time. Most certainly had a day I was looking forward to (even the physics and math parts of the lectures were exciting). We had gone through 2/3 of the class and I was sitting down at a table working on some sample data, while the other half of the class was working on some pumps and other equipment. Suddenly I get a flashback and I get all frozen. images and feelings are flooding in and I am trying to grasp hold of reality. It feels so futile because the feelings are so intense. It is fear, uncertainty, grief, guilt, helplessness. At some point I most have lost the battle of trying to get a grip of reality because next I just remember looking around trying to figure out where I am at.

my collegue sitting next to me has this funny look on her face and you just know that she saw it. She starts asking questions out of concern "are you ok, are you dizzy, what happened, are you having chest pains, do you want me to call someone, etc. I felt a little pale, dizzy, clammy. While she is asking all these question I am just frantically trying to gather my senses again. trying to think through my routine to regain "control".

I ended up lying to her just saying I had a moment of really strong nausea and just couldn't talk at the moment and excused myself to go to the restroom. I was so upset. This was my new job, I don't want to have any issues at work. You immediately get afraid that your future employment could be in danger and also what would people think of you know. It is a pretty highstrung environment with great demands put on you and you are expected to deliver your best.

Walking back into the classroom my collegue asked me some of the same questions and I just joked about it saying "I hope I am not pregnant with that kind of nausea". I kept redirectiong the conversation away to other topics, but I am fairly certain she knows something is not right and I am just not wanting to talk about it.

I am so embarassed about it. Glad that most of the class was doing other stuff with noisy pumps and alarms going off. I dont want to face my other collegue again anytime soon. I keep thinking about what I possibly could have said or done during my flashback, because I do not remember all of it. I know I at times can yell out or make gestures. I hope this was not one of those times.

I hate having to get government assistance. Once the computer system started there are people on my assistance such as my ex-husband (alcoholic/drug addict), my mother and her husband (alcoholic and drug/addict) on my case and the specialist won't remove them. My ex husband's mother is a retired Government Assistance Worker. My ex husband and I do not get along nor do I get along with his family. My sister was married to his cousin (reserved serviceman) and this is how my ex husband and I met. I was mailed a letter oneday by Government Assistance saying that any grant medical money that I use must be repaid or upon my death the monies will be collected from my oldest son (I guess no wonder anymore why I miscarried in my first pregnancy.) There are similarities of my rapist and bullies I have had through out my life as Government Assistance Workers working my Assistance Case and at the State Assistance facilities. I'm guessing the tax payer dollar I am supposedly using is a criminal offense despite the purple heart my grandfather acquired in ww2. There should be some law against Government Worker's family members dating State Assistance recipients (human trafficing). There should also be therapy posters at every State Assistance facility because if you have to get State Assistance I am for sure that you are under some type of tramatic stress. But, you know the Government, blood thirsty, belligerent and controlling.

I am about to start packaging my things for storage. This is hard everyone as I am really looking forward to being homeless again.

I am off work today. I have a thousand projects to do and none of them seems to be getting done right now! I am sure many of you can identify with the feelings of wanting to relax but you can't because there is so much to do, yet you are not getting much done because you feel overwhelmed by the tasks at hand. You start on one project, then before you finish you see something else that needs to be done and you get distracted and then nothing gets finished. I caught myself doing this today. I am taking a momentarily break to regroup and rethink what I am doing. After this I am going to sit down and study until I can't concentrate anymore, then I will work on one task until I feel like I can study again. So perhaps only one task will be done today, but that is one more than nothing.

The road of recovery has always been and always is a bumpy ride. It goes up and down, and sometimes you even get lost for a little while. Yesterday evening and last night was "bumpy". I know it happens, I know it does not mean it will always be bad, however, I can still lose faith in myself and the progress I have made in those moments. Lots of nightmares and flashbacks, it is so emotionally upsetting, that it is difficult to even think of recovery, I can only focus on breathing and surviving in the moment.

I feel drained and discouraged this morning. I do not want to go to work, I do not feel like I have the resouces in me to be able to give any of myself to day. I feel like running and hiding and not come out at all. But that is not how my recovery will improve. I have to keep my routines, I have to force myself to face people to people interactions to encourage my own outreach, I have to continue working on my grounding techniques, and I have to take some calm easy breaths. I feel scared and vulnerable today.

Have you ever had too much coffee to drink - to the point where you are wide-eyed awake but you feel a bit skahy, your heart is definately up in the next gear, and your mind is just racing because you are thinking of a million things all at the same time. I did not have any coffee this morning yet I feel like I ovedosed on caffeine. I feel shaky, a little unsteady, wide-eyed awkae, and thoughts are racing, as i think of a million things all at once. It has not been a couple of plesant days. Lots of flashbacks and nightmares.

I know it will not get better all of the sudden from day to day. prior to this I had a few good days and nights and somehow hope crept in making me think that perhaps this is the end of this cycle. I allowed hope to enter. After feeling so low and scared for a while I need that bit of hope to lift me up, however, it is so difficult when that hope gets crushed so quickly again.

I most certainly do not feel like getting "back on the horse again" today. I am tired, discouraged, not feeling great, a little hopeless, and a little mad. I know what i need to do: work on grounding techniques, get some exercise, eat right, and I ought to do some outreach. I am lucky if I do one or two of those things today because right now I really do not want to - I want to feel that anger to feel something besides scared.

I was sitting down with a cup of coffee trying to think through where I am at in regards to how I feel. I am not sure. I am still angry but not as angry as yesterday, I am still glad to see the garden grow but not excited, I am so fatigued but I still get up and get going. I think I feel as if I have lost the spark, the interest, the enthusiasm for life. I did not try to do 1:1 conversations the past couple days, I do not have the energy nor the motivation to try to explain what a flashback is or what PTSD is. No, I am not suicidal, I am just really really tired, yet sleep feels like the enemy. Sleep allows for the nightmares to come. Can't win for losing today. I guess this is where I am today.