Cycles of PTSD

I am not alone

I am loved

I am healing

In working on my PTSD and the path of healing I am receiving some great support. It is amazing to go from being so afraid to ask for any help to being in a spot where you are encouraged to ask and share. I am not saying I am good at sharing or opening up, but I think that will come, but I feel like I have a found a potentially safe place.

Through all the support I am also trying to learn and accept that it is ok if we take a few steps backwards, because tomorrow it might go in the right direction again. Also, I am finding that I have to take much smaller steps that I first thought, for me to feel relatively safe. Safety is so important to me, yet it is really hard to find and keep.

I have attended a lot of the Trauma support group sessions before I always leave feeling a little more informed, but today I felt like I needed to leave. I went for a walk and tried to think though what it was this time that made me feel unsafe and scared. I don' have the answer. I am just glad I left.

Perhaps it is because I am trying to work on stuff or trying to open up a little more, whatever it is, my body seems to be in high alert. I am so anxious, I feel unsettled, constantly looking at who and what is around me, can't seem to relax and get to a more calm state. I keep having the thoughts that I need to get to safety, but I am in a physically safe place.

Getting up extra early today - I am tired of waking up witht the nightmares.

Opening up, allowing myself to share, is difficult I think in part because I am afraid of the responses I might get. I have tried to share small parts before and the reponses felt truly hurtful such as "you should have gotten over that a long time ago, it can't be that bad now", that really hurts when you are trying to explain the continuous nightmares and you are feeling vulnerable due to having exposed your feelings.

Today there is a sense of "just being". I know I feel tired, I know it is rough, but I also know I am still moving, I am not feeling stuck today. I have worked on the positive affirmations for a few days, journaling, continue to add and work on coping skills, and I am trying outreach, perhaps some of all the work is slowly starting to show results? I feel like I can breathe this morning, I can go through this day with a little less fear. I can "just be" in the bit of calm of the moment.

I have noticed a few times while journaling that I am not even being totally honest with myself. There are times when I sit down and try to describe an event and the associated emotions and I find myself being very superficial in my description or not writing down the correct emotions such as understating the emotion/feeling. It might just be a denial thing or perhaps I just don't want to face the real thing, not sure. Just an observation.

The last two nights have been so hard as it has been so many nightmares. I keep trying to use the grounding techniques but I can't make them work. I get up and try to go to bed a little later but the nightmares come right back. Last night it was the same thing, so eventually I just quit going to sleep. My whole body feels shaken and on edge right now. I hate having such nights, I don't like the memories and I would so much like for it to stop.

Got all wrapped up in my blanket after having a cup of warm tea and toast and a couple of sleep meds. I was in the middle of chatting and trying to read the messages as I fell asleep. I slept so good and solid for a few hours. It was such a great relief. Just a few hours with no fear and no interruption in the sleep makes a huge difference. I actually think I can handle this day much better. I am looking forward to this day.

Wednesday was such a great day filled with my favorites - outdoor activities. climbing from morning to early afternoon and then mountainbiking til it got dark. Didn't even get home until 10pm. I went to bed having a great attitude and felt more relaxed than I have been in a while. I think I fell asleep immediately but after three hours of good sleep I started waking up again with the nightmares and they did not let up. I finally just got up and stayed up the rest of the night. I can only hope that the nightmares were triggered because I am working on stuff that causes them, because I can't figure out what else would be a trigger for that day. It really was a day full of good self-care and doing fun positive stuff with lots of pysical activity to let my mind relax and my body wear out a little. Thursday I was just tired all day and last night was only a little better in terms of restful sleep. I am so tired this morning and I feel so burned out on these nightmares.

I matter.

I won't give up because I have not yet tried all the different possibilities for healing.