Cycles of PTSD
Headed to work, did not sleep well at all today, it is going to be tough being around people today and I definitely worry about having flashbacks at work.
Deep breath -
perhaps today is the day I can break the downward spiral of this round of PTSD exacerbation
I quit, I give up. Just let me have a few hours of restful sleep.
@TrineT
Hi again,
I not surprised you feel like giving up because your mind and body are under a great deal of stress, and having to deal with the upset and emotions of PTSD can be very exhausting, I really feel for you at the moment, as I follow your journey here, I see how strong and brave you are, each and every day, continuing to put yourself out there, determined to carry on despite how your feeling inside, it's just commendable. I know your not feeling to great right now, but let me explain something, by you being here, recording your journey for us all to follow, you are inspiring others to take the same steps you have, and that is an amazing achievement.
I am preying you are able to have some restful sleep this evening, face another day with slightly more energy.
Take care sweetheart
Emma x
@TrineT
Hang in there Trine. You are so worth it. There wil be ups and downs. You're doing the the work... you'll get there. :)
The past few days I have just given up. I have allowed myself not to fight back, did not try to stop the flashbacks, I just let it all happen, gave up "control" (which I never had anyway).
I did not give up easily and now there is such a sense of hopelessness, helplessness, and constant feeling down, but i just can't seem to muster the energy, willpower, or belief that I can fight this PTSD right now.
During this time I spoke to someone about how afraid the nightmares makes me. Their response was that I should just remember that the nightmares aren't real and then they will go away! I just want to put in a disclaimer - this was not a 7cup member/listener.
That statement made me so upset. You can't tell me that what I see and what I feel during a nightmare or a flashback isn't real. The memories and the images I see during nightmares and flashbacks are all too real and so are the feelings - that is the problem. I know the time is not real, but my body does not know that in the moment, thus everything seems real.
Not only did the stament make me upset I also brings doubt. Why am I not able stop this if it really isn't real (Trine please read your own sentences above), am I just so weak minded?, why are you even trying when you fail so often?, etc. so much self-doubt comes into play.
It has been almost a month with very little quality sleep, high stress and anxiety, lots of ups and downs, intense feelings, emotionally raw, lost a lot of weight, lost hope in myself. I am feeling so lost at the moment.
Routines - that is what keeps me going these days. I don't feel confident in my routines and techniques because I don't believe they are working so well for some reason right now. I going through the motions of my meditations and mindfullness but I have to admit my heart is not in it. I don't think the PTSD is getting any worse than last week, but I do think my own foundation of hope, healing, and belief is starting to crumble. It is time that I start thinking about getting professional help again. I need to find my way back. I have had the help from Psyhciatrist and counselors before, I do not like it, probably because they help me push myself to go to places I do not like to remember, so this is no going to be an easy decision. Have I really done all I can do by myself, what will they be able to do that I am not already doing?
@TrineT
Dear Trine, I'm so sorry you are losing hope these last few days. I hear you are hurting and overwhelmed with ups and downs and fight for healing. Know that you are cared for here, and even though we are on the other side of the screen, our hearts are right here with you. Hold on through these ups and downs - they are incredibly hard, you can get through them. With the detmination I've seen from you, you will get through them. Getting through this time is incredibly difficult. Those of us who have experienced it, know it's truth. You are in a battle for you and your healing.
If you ever need to message someone, please free to message me. I can't fix it by any means, but I can walk beside you through the pain and struggle, and through the joys and progress.
Hang in there and remember you are worth it - worth hanging on and continuing the journey. :)
A day off work. Although going to work can be stressful in so many ways, it most certainly also has its benefits. Work is usually so busy and demands my full attention that it is a distraction. It is a routine for me to get up at a certain time, do my meditation, get my cup of coffee and then get out the door. Then I am totally occupied for the next 13 hours or more at work.
When I am off work I lose my routine, I will try to sleep in a little because I am so tired and have been waking up multiple times every night. No good, can't sleep - better get up. I try to follow the same routine every morning with meditation, working on a grounding technique and of course - the cup of coffee. Then i get lost, there are all these projects, yet, I can't do A without doing B first etc. I also have to look online for a therapist, then there is the meal planning. I should have gotten A, B, and C done, yet it is afternoon and I am still on project A. Just planning dinner feels like a major accomplishment at this point.
I keep busy with little things yet lack the focus. I know I am just trying to hide from my own issues. I don't want to deal with it, but i don't get to choose when all of the sudden a flashback occurs, just because an ambulance drove by, or I am sitting quietly in my chair and memories or certain feelings suddenly sneak into my awareness.
Come on Trine figure it out - what caused this round of PTSD to start up? If I don't know how can I then prevent it from happening next time and how do you expect me to get better?
I am going to take some sleep medication tonight - because right now I feel like I am in survival mode and sleep is on top of the priority list.
First sleep, then nutrition, then I can deal with stuff - and that sounds a lot like a plan. I have a plan.
@TrineT
It's okay to still be on plan A in the afternoon if it's working, it's working. Time schedules may change in my experience. What we intended to do. It's good you are trying to keep your schedule. That's great. Sounds like your plan is in order, but it's okay to deviate from it if something else is working well, and you have taken care of necessities. :) Good job!
The sleep medication helped. I got several hours of sleep. I am not a fan of taking that kind of sleep aid on a regular basis as they cloud me the next day. But there are times like now when they are needed. Today I am going to church, enjoying the music. That is the only task I am setting for myself for today. I feel groggy, but also glad that my body got some needed rest.
This was the message at church today:
"Trust steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly"
I felt like the message hit a homerun.
I struggle with all three - but I struggle in particular with hope right now.
This was my flashback today.
I was sitting comfortably in my big chair looking at beautiful nature photos, when all of the sudden I have these feelings of terror and immense fear. I know where I am at, yet the images, memories and emotions are telling me differently. my mouth is dry and I am shaking. I am trying to say the word hope not sure if I am saying it out loud. It is difficult to breathe because I am so scared. It is tremendously overwhelming and I feel so helpless, I want this to stop but I feel powerless in doing so. I keep struggling with the word hope and at the same time I know I have lost. After a while I come out of it just for it to come back a couple more times. I am absolutely worn out now.
Afterwards I am feeling so guilty that I just gave up - I did not try hard enough. I never did try hard enough, that is my problem I think. The guilt is so multi layered by now, I can't even phanthom handling just a little of it. I tell my self that I will work on it some more to get better next time, but I also feel like I am just placating myself, I don't believe in what I am telling myself.
I am just trying to get through the day, so much anxiety is building up. I tried to call a counselor today but I did not even dare to leave a message on the answering machine. I know I need help but I am also scared of going through the process. I am not feeling strong enough right now.
The PTSD interferes so much that I can barely function - I need help, I don't think I am able to do it on my own. Yet, I don't want to accept help because it means I will have to open up! Maybe tomorrow
It can be a vicious cycle until you find the strength to take that first step. Making the call might be easier than you think. Remember all you are doing is setting up a future appointment, not opening up your soul that very moment.@TrineT
I have done it for three days now - I call the office for counseling services and when I get the answering machine I chicken out and hang up. I have tried the whole planning of what message to leave, but as soon as I hear the beep I hang up. One day I will have the courage to leave a message.
@TrineT
Its actually very difficult making that first connection with a counsellor, I did exactly the same as you are doing now, thinking I could manage everything on my own, the truth was, I actually wasn't doing a very good job at it, the time came to make the call, I like you, hesitated for days and days on end, and got quite upset and annoyed with myself because I couldnt find the strength to make one phone call, not just one call, but the all important call, so I guess what in trying to say, is, don't beat yourself up about this, take each step as it comes, and deal with it the best way you know how, so what if it takes many attempts to make the initial contact again, you will make that call, when you are ready to make it, but know when you eventually do, it will most likely be the best phone call you've made in a while.
It may not feel like it now, but I think your doing a grand job, by coming here and airing your thoughts, let me ask you, are you finding your writing beneficial at all? Are you gaining some relief by writing how you feel?
My thoughts are with you, and I really hope you can make that call soon!
Take care of yourself
Emma x
@professionalPerspective60,
journaling, I think, helps me. I have only done it for three weeks since starting here. The process of writing helps me to clarify my thoughts and feelings when it can be overwhelming. On the most difficult of days I find it intimidating to sit and try and write as I can't find my focus or I feel so down I don't want anyone else to read what I feel.
However, as you stated your question it made me go back and read my own entries and I feel like I can get a better sense of how I am doing and where I am at in this process.
