PTSD Diary

This weekend has been enlightening. I went out on Friday & got rip-roaring drunk & let everyone down.

Simply put, it was addictive behaviour. I have mentioned before I had a gambing problem, well really I have an addictive personality & have done for all my life!

Mix this in with PTSD & its a fun ride.

I've decided to stop going to therapy. I thought it was helping but it wasn't. It was just dragging up past negative experiences and not resolving anything. I actually think sometimes my therapist came across as bored!

I am deciding to move on with my life & let the past be the past, whilst living in the now. I am going to work the 12 steps & stop being so critical of the people around me. I need to accept myself as I am 'an addict' which I will find easier in time!

My life isn't really dissimilar to when I set the business up 7 years ago. Hmmm, really is it that much different than when my Mum died? Probably not.

The best thing I can do is move on with my life & away from the problems that have consumed me. I have been so negative, I have decided to be positive today & it feels great!

Thanks @hoping4harmony :) I'm trying my best!

I'm going to check out the addiction community on here also, I think it will be of benefit!

Did my addictions come about because of my PTSD? Maybe, but I'm not going to throw myself under a bus to find out!

I need to engage more with this community & build a life! The thoughts I have seem mad, but I need to share them...

I'm meant to be going out on a friends work do tomorrow night, but I know there would be a lot of drink involved & right now that isn't something I can be involved in. I am however, terrified of rejecting my friend on account of repurcussions, which won't happen!

I'm going to Whatsapp him when I'm done on here & explain, same with the therapist. At the moment I am just ghosting him & that isn't fair to me or him. It's like something eating away at the back of me.

It is fear that stops me from doing it. Fear of being in that place where everything is dark & I can't get out. Where I'm terrified to go to sleep & my hearts pounding.

BUT

My friend won't beat me up for not going to his work do or threaten me. He might be a bit annoyed, but he will understand!

My therapist won't condemn me for moving on to something else in my recovery.

It's crazy how my thoughts can escalate.

I had a haircut & a shave today expecting to feel better, & I did, temporarily. These things do help & are good, but they are like putting a band-aid on a broken leg.

I am changing my life one day at a time & I want it to look completely different in a month than it does now.

The root cause of my problems are my own character defects. Yes I witnessed abuse & yes I've been in traumatic events, but it is how I relate to them that is the problem, not everyone else.

Not even my Dad who put me through some of the trauma. Infact, he has been through trauma himself & me blaming him probably doesn't make anything better, to say the least!

I need to change. No more debauchorous nights out. No more sugary drinks every day or chocolate. No more masturbation or fantasies of other people.

Even then. I can stop all that & still be the same. It is my character that needs to change. Not completely, I am not an utterly bad egg.

I'm feeling great on the whole. I'm starting to stop the negative aspects of my personality in my tracks, feel much better & be a lot more positive.

Things still bother me & trigger me, but I'm working on keeping them in perspective. I need to accept that they bother me to be able to let them go. I fight my emotions & it can be draining!

A big pattern of thought I am working on altering is my link/relationship with my Dad. I am in my mid 20's now, have my own house & am my own man.

My Dad is his own man & can do what he wants, he can play the games he wants & it's his lookout, I can speak up about it, but really it isn't anything to do with me.

We have a business together, which can be good, but also stressful. By design he does a lot of the road work & I am office based. I am going to set up a side business a la '4 hour work week' to gain my financial independence whilst also working on the things I feel passionate about in my current business.

I am going back to a regular support meeting in my hometown, which helps to keep my addictive personality in check.

I am finding my diet the hardest thing to change, as I have had a poor relationship with food for a long time, but I am doing it & already feeling better & less bloated.

So on the whole, I feel as though I am making healthy progress for the first time in my life. I am taking one day at a time & doing my best.
It does feel like baby steps at the minute, but I know the more I do, the better I will get!

I haven't updated this in a while & I want to check in!

The journey I've been on since the start of December is one of self-discovery & I feel as though my life is slowly but surely getting better.

As I've written previously, I went out partying at the start of December & nearly blew up my entire life. Since then, I've decided that the teetotal life is for me.

I had a beer on January 14th at a friends Birthday. I didn't even want it, I just did it out of wanting to feel comfortable, to conform. Infact, as much as I hate to admit it, a lot of what I've done has been to conform.

Since then I have been alcohol free, so that makes it... 45 days now . I feel as though my brain is rewiring itself. My memory is improving & my performance at work is getting better. It is a slow process, but I can feel a definite change.

I came close to having a bet a few weeks ago, and need to put more blocks in place. Infact, thats one thing I'm going to do today.

I actually don't blame my Dad anymore for the things that have happened. I can understand that he was in pain as well & he has his own problems. (Alcohol, unhealthy relationships.)

I had a decade of debauchery, from 16 to 25. I am struggling to move on from what I've done & the position I'm in, but I think the way to do that is going to be accepting the past as 'lessons learned' & moving on with my life to new things that I enjoy.

At 16 I left school to go to college & instantly started going out getting rip roaring drunk 2-4 times a week. The people I surrounded myself with did the same. Actually doing work was NOT the priority. My gambling started in the 12 months that followed. It soon escalated into more than I could afford. To be brutally honest, I cannot remember much of 2011. I got into a 12 step programme in mid-2012, but aside from stopping gambling, nothing really changed. My drinking wasn't 4x a week, it was one blackout binge a week that took days to recover from. There was one time where I went out drinking for pretty much 24 hours straight. Or the time I got a 1200 tax rebate & spent it on clothes & booze. I had debts to pay at that time.

The problem is that me acting the way I did was seen as normal by the people around me. I was never seen as someone who had a problem with alcohol, even by members of my family, when looking back, it was pretty obvious. If you would have substituted 'alchohol' with any other drug, you would have said I had a problem. So why does society as a whole not do this with drink?

It's seen as fun to be out drinking until the early hours. A lot of our favourite TV stars are functioning alcoholics who drink all the time, with no repurcussions.

The perception that an 'alcoholic' is a down & out, a loser with no hope or even someone that drinks every day & in the morning needs to change. On a scale of 1-10, my alcoholism was probably a 6. I've never drank every day however, I have drank in the morning a couple of times (Hi, 13 year old me!). The flipside of that is that I would binge whenever I went out. I would be out of control. I would steal & lie & do a lot of other things that I've forgotten.

Even with gambling, it was only in the last 6 months that I was gambling every day & in the mornings. It was only then when I plunged myself into debt. It took me being a '10' as far as gambling is concerned to find the right help.

There are going to be some tough conversations ahead with friends & family to reframe the relationships. I want to leave no stone unturned. I need to explain where I'm at & torch the bridge between me & my old lifestyle.

I must say I feel reluctant to share my thoughts & feelings. I'm reluctant to accept that what I went through as child was traumatic.

My inner voice is saying:

"So what you heard your Mum die in the room next to you, that isn't traumatic. People get physically & sexually abused. Losing a parent isn't traumatic."

"So you heard your Dad in a relationship that consisted of physical & verbal abuse, even sometimes extending to death threats. That isn't traumatic, just get a grip of yourself."

"So you were bullied when you are younger, so are lots of people, grow up!"

When my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD, I felt like a fraud. I felt as though that couldn't be me. I felt as though my problems weren't serious enough to have PTSD. That PTSD was only for people who'd suffer the abuse themselves. Not people who had 'witnessed' things that are bad. I didn't want the label of suffering with my mental health. I wasn't ready to accept it. I wasn't ready to accept that my Dad put me in horrible situations as a child & I suffered because of it.

The facts are:

From 16-25 I have suffered with various addictions. This is very common in survivors of traumatic abuse.
I repress the hell out of any emotions that I feel.
I keep busy all of the time
I haven't processed any of the emotions regarding my Mum or the subsequent abuse. I avoid it at all costs.
I don't trust anyone.

I could keep on going with pretty much all of the symptoms of PTSD barring having flashbacks. Maybe I don't have flashbacks because I've spent my life running away from my problems & setting fire to my brain. Just 45 days into recovery & I'm nearly in tears reading a book. Each time I feel something, its like a layer of my dead skin is being peeled away.

I want to step out into the world as a decent, functioning member of society. I now understand it is not healthy for me to heavily involve my Dad in my recovery. He needs to know that I'm doing well & in recovery, as well as checking the Business accounts. That is it for now. This may change in time, but for now, thats what I want & believe is best for my recovery.

Truth be told, he is an addict himself & on his own journey.

I want to be here, in the now, in the moment, & for today, I will be!

On a separate note, I am going to update this daily again, with a slightly different take.

Instead of focusing on the past, I am going to focus on the NOW. I want to look at how PTSD & addictions affect my daily life. I want to recognize behavioural patterns & change my actions!

For a long time I have been staring at the past whilst trying to sprint to the future, when there is only the moment!

Ok, so today:

Today hasn't been fantastic. I have spent a lot of time pacing around the house talking to myself about my mental state, rather than working. Is that a good thing? I'm not actually sure. It's made me set up this diary as a way to process/get out my rambling thoughts.

I still feel as though I should always be busy. I am actually on top of the work for my current business & have had some enquiries. Being on top of my work is a new thing for me. I was always behind even though I wasn't busy. That takes away a lot of the guilt from talking to myself!

I haven't lost my really lost my temper today, which is good. I rarely lose my temper overtly, when internally I may be seething.

I'm taking my Gran out tonight, this may explain why I've been less productive. She is a big trigger for me to check out. I don't think my Girlfriend is coming, so it will be me & her. I find her poisonous, narcissistic & deluded. She is very negative & lies constantly. It takes all my energy to not snap at her.

I took her shopping after my 12 step meeting at the weekend & was exhausted on getting home.

As a solution to her ways, I've been trying to be super positive with her, as tough as I find it. I need to let the past go.

I can only do this by achieving my goals & focusing on myself.

Right, so goals. I'm going to look at the next 6 months & what I want to be, do & have.

Be

Consistently happier.
Looking at moving abroad.
Flexible
Excellent runner
Excellent cook.

Do

Manchester Half Marathon
Introduction to Buddhism course
Go on 3 holidays.
Bench 100kg.
Read all of my books.

Have

New running clothes
Pay off all consumer debt.
New half decent watch.
New car.

I've adapted this from the 4 hour work week, which is a solid read for all! I actually feel better for putting down what I want. It puts the shit around into perspective for what it is.

Until tomorrow morning!

I was going to post this after my first hour working, but I need to do it now.

I woke up this morning & within an hour I was in a terrible mood. I got up at 6:15 with the aim of taking the dogs out, meditating, having breakfast, & a shower ready to start work at 8am. I just didn't have enough time, mainly because I was dropping my girlfriend off at work. I always say yes to her, thats my frustation with myself. My frustration with her is that she is more than happy to pressure me into taking her, which with the weather being bad near me, could take up to 45 minutes, instead of her walking in the cold for 20 minutes.

My Dad messaged me about a bank transaction, which I don't mind, but it was a recurring payment that has been going out for the best part of a year & he only queries it now. I am a gambling addict. The support I want is for him to check the bank. This would also give him peace of mind. Granted, recovery is a choice that I am making & him checking/not checking the bank isn't going to change that, it's just something I want that helps with trust.

The thought has just gone through my mind that maybe he doesn't want to build a relationship built on trust, maybe he likes playing the victim. This would certainly be congruent with the rest of his life!

I am realizing that I have simply survived in relationships, not thrived & got what I want! I could moan all day about different situations, but the fact is that things need to change. I am going to text my girlfriend explaining that I'm frustrated that I got up early, yet couldn't start work at 8am. I am going to set a monthly meeting with my Dad to review the bank account/finances. We should be doing this anyway.

I haven't kept my calm today, but I can make the rest of the day good.

My recovery needs to come first in my life. Without recovery, I cannot hold my own in any relationship.

I'm updating my list of what I want. I'm doing this because I put myself under pressure. A lot has actually stayed the same. My main priority is becoming a business owner. A lot of the goals interlink. If I improve my confidence in relation to work, I will come close to being a business owner. If i consistently hit the gym, I will feel more confident. If I increase my income, I can comfortably afford the things I want.

Be

A business owner - I do own a business, but I want to run the business as opposed to working as a self employed person. I want to quadruple the businesses income in the next 6 months.
Taking steps to move abroad - I want to move to NYC, identify which visa is best & start the process.
Flexible - Consistently attend yoga 1 x per week.
Excellent runner - Do Half marathon in under 1:45
Confident - I want to be comfortable making sales calls, going out without alcohol & having difficult conversations. I want to have more balance in my relationships.
Happier - I want to rant less, stay away from my vices & improve my relationships with those closest to me.

Do

Manchester Half Marathon - Booked
Introduction to Buddhism course - 90, will do in 6 weeks
Go on 3 holidays. - Got 1 booked, with another being booked soon, need 1 more.
Bench 100kg. - Can roughly do 80-85kg right now!
Read all of my books. - Got about 10-15 to read!
Try a new restaurant each month!

Have

New running clothes - 150-200
Pay off all consumer debt. - 1500
New half decent watch. - 200-500
New car. - 1500 downpayment.
New friends - Can be done through running, buddhism & recovery meetings!
Macbook pro - 1500

All of this is pointless if I don't start taking steps to achieve my goals. Some, I could technically do now. For example, I could buy a macbook pro on finance. I want to comfortably afford a macbook pro, not cop out by getting it on finance. So, for the rest of the week I'm going to:

Discuss frustrations with my girlfriend.
Take steps to pay off consumer debt.
Keep all tasks up to date in business 1 & finish setting up business 2.
Call all leads for business 2.
Remove 2 clients from business 1.
Go to the gym twice to run & do weights.
Throw out old things I'm keeping hold of.
Get to the buddhist centre to try out a meditation.

I'm going to update my feelings daily and update this list a couple of times a week, it's important to me to detail where I'm up to & have a plan that relates to my goals.

Today has been a good day, I've felt strong.

I've done a workout & made a challenging call. I've also eaten pretty healthily.

My Dad has frustrated me, but I took a break to do a workout & I felt better. He gets so involved in negative situations & they bother him deeply.

I want to maintain a healthy distance from my Dad.

I went to my 12 step meeting last night & it proved to be a revelation. I was going to speak about PTSD & how I've suffer. However.... certain things happened that made me realize that I'm not the only person who has been through tough situations in life. My woes in life are my own. No-one forced me to go out & drink or gamble, I did that myself & I must hold myself accountable. I dealt with situations in the wrong way & its up to me with the support of others to learn a new, better way!

I have been selfish in the past & I'm now looking to help people on their journey also, which is great!

Until tomorrow..... Have a good one folks :)

Thanks guys, your support is massively appreciated!

This weekend just gone wasn't the best. 100% honesty, I am finding the weekends the toughest thing to crack. In the week I am getting better with work by the week & have something that resembles structure. Further to this, the triggers of alcohol & gambling are far less in the week than at the weekend.

I was meant to help my friend move in on Friday & he cancelled on me. I felt really pushed out, considering that I was solely trying to help him. I think I have issues around this friend, which I will try to make sense of below:

I met this friend when I was about 11. I wasn't at all close to him until we were freshmen in high school. He was in a lot of my classes & decided to sit next to me in most of them. I felt like he just wanted to be around the cool people & I was a route into that. He gossiped constantly & I found him annoying. He couldn't keep a secret, for example he told my girlfriend what present I had got her on Christmas Eve.

We have stayed in touch, he has had his own struggles & I would now say that we are close friends. I want to keep him in my life, but I want a bit more distance. I don't trust him & I can't have any kind of deep conversation with him. I find stuff like this ironic because I don't trust him, even though I am a recovering addict.

I think that is the deeper issue. I feel conflicted distancing myself from people when I've done the things I've done. I struggle to be 'selfish' even if its the best thing for me. I don't really enjoy his company. He may be the one person from high school whose tried to stay in touch, but honestly, he has mithered everyone & I've probably been the soft touch. I will keep in touch with him, but on my terms!

I saw my Gran on Friday, which was OK as my girlfriend was there. I find my Gran incredibly stressful & I'll be glad to have a break from her this weekend.

My girlfriend is frustrating me as I feel there is an imbalance in the relationship. I feel as though I do most of the heavy lifting & she doesn't see all the things I do. She nitpicks over me not shutting a door or leaving the light on, when I will drop her off at work, pick her up & then she comes home, sometimes makes tea & sits down on her phone. It isn't good enough. She doesn't see that I take the dogs out 3 x a day, keep the kitchen clean & do try with everything else. My day is dominated by the dogs & making sure she can get to/from work & there is just no appreciation.

My Dad works at the weekend & I feel as though he expects me too also, even though my workload is up to date. I then supplicate by doing things like buying ink on a Monday morning.

Having put all this down, I now know what I need to do. I need to be myself in these relationships, rather than being a supplicating partner. I need to put myself first.

After ranting for a while, I know what I need to do. I need to make my intentions clear. My intentions are for the house to be clean & tidy, for us to get the house how we want it & to progress my business & for me to be financially secure. If I don't want to buy something or do something, it is with that intent in mind. I want to achieve the goals above & that needs to be communicated to everyone!

I cannot force everyone to come with me on my journey.

On a positive note, I told one of my sports buddies about my gambling etc & I will tell the coaches today.

I am meeting a good friend this week & I will tell him about where I'm up to. I am going away this weekend which I'm really looking forward to & I intend on getting my debt consolidated into my mortgage this week, which will save me a lot of outlay this year.

I need to be more comfortable in what I want. I need to understand that the ridicule I suffered when I was younger is not absolute & I just need to go for it!

Actions for today:

Contact coaches for sport.
Arrange day to meet friend
Finish new product for new business
Find bank details.
Give bank details to girlfriend for transparency.
Keep on top of first business tasks.
Plan week.

I haven't actually got a lot done in terms of action today, but I actually had a great conversation with my Dad.

I've realized that I need to let negative people in my life go, and that includes my friend from Friday. My Dad knows this person well & he thinks it's for the best!

Having reviewed the past ten year of friendship I honestly believe it is best if I move on. The girlfriend incident is one of many, many incidents. I tolerate him & that's not what friendship is about. I'm not doing him or myself any favours by keeping us really close! I have other better friends who I should spend more time with!

Having no friends is better than having bad friends. It's well known that we are most like the 5 people closest to us.

I am going to get some superstar mentors in my life & move on.

I am going to be doing a lot of sociable things & carrying baggage around will do me no good moving forward.

The barriers are coming down & it feels great! The fuzz is lifting from my brain daily & I just need to keep on moving forward. I can not gamble or drink today & as long as I do that, I can overcome anything.

I'm posting A LOT at the minute & thats because I'm making sense of myself.

I want to work on boundaries a lot. It's where I'm weak! I want to be a lot more comfortable in my own skin & thats only gonna come by making myself uncomfortable & pushing the boundaries of what I'm capable of!

I'm looking forward to a good evening!

See you all tomorrow :)