My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@scarletPear1945 *just dropping off some hugs* we're sitting here quietly with you
Sending you strength and love ❤️
@scarletpear1945. Wishing you a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.
@scarletPear1945 Hope you don't mind. Wanted to drop off a friend and wish you a Merry Christmas!
@mytwistedsoul
❤️
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) You've been in my thoughts. I know you're probably struggling with somethings right now. I guess I just want you to know that even though you might feel so alone - there's people sitting with you
*leaving you a safe hug and sending you good vibes*
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, for just being there and thinking about me even when I disappear. Yes, you are right going through a he...l of a lot of ish. I am losing my battle and I am drained of my energy. Too many forces coming against me at one time and I can't seem to catch my breath to breathe. I have been in this war too long. and all I wanted was just peace of mind and to just be me or find the real me. That is all and I did not think that was too much to ask, but I guess it was.
@scarletPear1945 It's not too much to ask ❤️ It just seems that in order to to find ourselves we have to dig and sift through mountains of BS - because there's so much added to it over time. We add to it - other people add to it - life adds to it. Childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving long after childhood has passed. It sets the stage for - everything. Those earlier lessons were the most important and the people who were supposed to teach us messed it all up and we're the ones who have to clean it up but it's like we've been given really lousy equipment to do it with. It's like trying to empty a sinking boat with a teaspoon
I wish there was something I could say - some hidden gem of knowledge I could pass to you to make it easier for you - to make it easier for everyone
It's ok to get tired - to rest - to take breaks. I'm sitting with you - we can sit quietly or you can talk and I'll listen - but I am sending you strength and peace ❤️
@scarletPear1945 Just dropping you a note because you were in my thoughts and wish you a belated Happy New Year.
@adventurousBranch3786
How are you my friend? sorry I have not been responsive. Thanks for caring enough to just stop by😊
@mytwistedsoul
Really do thank you😭
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome ❤️
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) you've been in my thoughts the past few days and I hope you're ok - but I also I understand if you're not. I guess I just wanted you to know that we're here for you - me and Branch and others. We're here through the good and the bad. Holding a light for you ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for keeping me in the loop of your thoughts. Means a lot to me. I wish I had some good news to tell you but I am just doing all I can right now to maintain my self and everything else.
@scarletPear1945 You're welcome ❤️ It's ok - I know that there are days when that all we can do - just barely keep our heads above the water that threatens to drown us. I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now and I hope things get better for you *leaving you a hug and sending you strength*
@mytwistedsoul
thinking about you and @aventurious ❤️
@scarletPear1945 Thank you :) You've been in my thoughts too 💙 How are you?
@scarletPear1945 So nice to hear from you. You have been in my thoughts.❤️
@scarletPear1945 *dropping off a hug* you've been in my thoughts ❤
@scarletPear1945 You have been in my thoughts the past few days. I lit a candle for you tonight and I'm sending good vibes ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, Thank you for the candle and your thinking of me. I have been struggling with DID and my home life really not good. It has been one thing after the other not getting to catch my breath. Not sleeping much because the night terrors are going wild whenever I close my eyes. I never got my taste back after Covid so my appetite sucks. My sugars keep dropping very low and just worn down.
I keep trying to pick my self up, but it is so very hard, when nothing else is changing.
@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry you're struggling ❤ is your therapist helping any with the DID? Would you like to talk about it? I mean - I dont have all the answers but I'll listen - there's no pressure of course - just - I'm here if you'd like to ok?
I'm sorry to hear you haven't gotten your taste back - that would make it hard to enjoy eating anything :( is there anything that helps with the low sugar?
I'm sending you strength. I hope things get alittle better for you all the way around. With home and Illnesses ❤
*leaving you a safe hug* no pressure though ok?
@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts the past few days ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, I am ok have been learning how to communicate with my headmates and trying to calm down the internal dialog. It has been hard but making progress slowly.
@scarletPear1945 Hey :) That's great! I'm glad to hear you're working on communication. That's the most important thing. I hope things keep going good with that ❤
* leaving you a safe hug* no pressure :)
@scarletPear1945 Hey you :) just dropping in to see how things are - no pressure to reply. Tbh - I feel like a mosquito lol - I'm sorry if I'm pesting ❤
@mytwistedsoul
Hello friend, I always love to see a reply from you. You are always welcome in my life❤️.
Still having a terrible time as my husband has got us in a real mess that I have been trying to straighten out but have been running into brick walls. This time his Dementia may have gotten us in big trouble. May even lose our home. I am pissed that I can not get anyone to block his account to stop him miss spending and not paying the bills. Not the bank or Veterans affairs nor anyone can stop him without a court order. I am so tired of trying to be the one that cleans up the messes he makes. This time it may not be possible for me to do anything. My nerves are shot and I don't know what else to do that I have not already done. I can not focus on my own healing for being pulled into his mess and then the organizations telling me he is not responsible and that I have to change the way I talk and interact with him. He is getting aggressive and I will not tolerate from him no matter what they say. I am human and have feelings too. I just want to throw the towel in and say the he.......l with it all and just leave. Our home is more than I can handle by myself .
@scarletPear1945 (safe hugs) Oh my. You definitely have a full plate right now. It's so sad how hard people make everything when you're trying to get things handled. On top of everything else you're dealing with too. It sounds as though the people you're going to for help aren't very sympathetic towards you either. I understand that his thinking isn't right and that while it may not really be his fault, surely they could offer more then just to have you talk and interact with him differently. You need support with this not just suggestions to talk differently. None of this is very helpful to your stress and I would imagine his aggression is probably triggering for you too. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to put up with that. It's scary and usually ends up with someone getting injured.
I have a few idea's but I also understand if they might not work for you. First, is there anyway that you can have some of the bills put on automatic payments? That way they get paid on time and you don't need to worry about them. I understand too that it might not be possible because some times we have to jockey things around in order to pay bills. Unfortunately money doesn't grow on trees and when there's more money going out than what is coming in, it makes it even more difficult. Second, I'm going to assume he has a bank card. Is there anyway you could just hide it and replace it with something that's pre-loaded? Are you able to discuss any of this with him? That you could explain what you're doing and why you're doing it? Would your daughter be able to help you talk with him? Or maybe even his doctor? If not, then you may have to get a court order and get power of attorney. It shouldn't be too hard but you'll probably need paperwork from the doctor, his medical records. Do you have an attorney that could works with elder law? Or could recommend someone? I'm sure this is the last thing you want to deal with right now and I'm so sorry that you're facing all this. I've added a link but depending on where you live it may not be of any help to you. Alzheimer's Association - hopefully it will be of some use or maybe will give you some idea's.
❤️ Sending you huge amounts of strength right now!
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for the suggestions, Because his Dementia is yet in the early stages he can still say yes and no the bank would not let me do that without a court order. I took them our power of attorney and all our last will and testament documents and they still won't do anything will not agree to anything at all. I even went to the VA and they said I could get a caregiver if he agrees and signs the paperwork, he won't do it. He wants me to be his personal nurse. I don't want the job.
@scarletPear1945 I don't blame you one bit for not wanting the job. You have enough you're dealing with right now. He hasn't been very supportive of you with anything either and that's just sad. It's -well - to be blunt - it sucks that you have no options and you're the one doing all the work to save your house after his misspending and not paying bills. It's not fair to you at all. It's not right that there's nothing you can do until it's basically too late. The laws and rules they have in place - they've never been in this position themselves or they would be more understanding of the position your in and the fears you have
I know it's not much but I'm sending you strength ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
hugs💙
@scarletPear1945 Hugs to you too ❤️
