My Silent Voice (Diary)

@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much for your reply. I am in a bad frame of mind and it has been getting worse over this month. I have tried my hand at therapy and as of now, I guess I am so messed up that the therapist just seems to have no clue in how or where to help me to start untangling my web of issues. They have no problem taking my money every week. But I don't have a gold mind anywhere last time I looked. Even the therapist from this site just screwed over me and It is stuff like this that makes me even worse. I had a listener last night that told me to talk to them and I began and suddenly they were gone no, I have to leave no nothing they were just gone. I think that was very rude and inexcusable. That made me even angrier than I was. I began to feel totally abandoned" I am sorry you feel alarmed but we will talk about it at your next appointment. Why? so she can get the money $110.00 weekly. all I wanted was for her to give me a workable skill to try to calm myself till my appointment. I just needed to know that what had just happened to me was not a sign I was losing my mind.
I was sitting in my kitchen on my computer and this lady's voice began to ask me questions and I heard her so clearly and I found myself answering every one of her questions out loud. Before I realized there was no one there. This has never happened to me before. I have tried to remember any of the questions which it was about 6 of them and I am drawing a total blank. I was not asleep. My stress levels have been rising so I am freaking out. I am going to cut this therapist loose. It is hard for me to reach out but when I do it is because I really need support.
One of the Therapists on this site told me that even my normal thinking was messed up and that I did not need to be a Listener so I really now won't even try. She said she went to school for 15 years to do what she does and that I just had to follow whatever she said. I did not know her like that. Trust is not automatic for me, I have been burnt too many times.
trusting.
well I guess I ranted enough, Thanks for listening

@bubblegumPuppy68 I'm sorry things have been getting worse for you. Unfortunately - for every good therapist out there - there's probably six that are in it just for the money. I'm sorry that sounds horrible on my part but I've had a few that treated me like some experiment and they made things worse for awhile - I'm sorry to hear about the therapist from here too - tbh - I often wondered what they were like - It's email based isn't it? I mean it's cheaper then going to someone but I can't see paying for a professional penpal - but that's just my opinion on it

I hate when listeners do that - it's hard enough to pluck up the courage to reach out to them - so like you said - you know things are pretty bad when you do and to have them just leave with no warning - no apologies. I mean if they can't handle the chat - ok - but let me know and i'll understand - I also understand that things pop up and they may have to go but have the decency to say something

With therapists - I understand they have work hours and outside lives but if you call during their hours - it doesn't take but a few minutes of their time to help with a few quick skills to help get through the moment and to give some reassurance - especially with the amount of money they charge

That would be scary - to hear someone out of no where asking questions - can you recall the voice? Was it a voice you recognized in anyway? I know what you mean about stress - about it getting to freak out levels. I don't blame you for cutting this therapist loose - if they can't spare a few minutes of their time that isn't an appointment - that's no good. I mean I know they have to have boudaries and all that but I still think they should be able to step up when things are really bad

Trust is an issue here too and just because someone went to school for fifteen doesn't necessarily mean that they're any good and that it automatically instills trust in them. Trust is something that needs to be built up and the smallest things can mess it all up in a heartbeat. I hope it doen't totally turn you off from therapy - I know sometimes it can take time to find one that is the right fit

Anytime you need to vent and want to vent to someone - you're allways welcome to tag me. You can rant all you like - I don't mind at all
You're welcome :) Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul
Many hugs Soul. I really needed to just hear some reassuring words from someone. This helps the madness and turmoil that is raging inside of me. I pray that I can soon pull myself together so I don't have a mental breakdown.
Don't think I can ever remember being in this deep of a pit before.
Trying to be like the old cat hanging on with one paw for life.

@scarletPear1945 Hugs back to you and thank you. The pit might seem deeper right now because of everything that happened all at once - between the therapist and the listener. It probably felt a little like you were dismissed and abandoned by them both - it doesn't take much for it to slip deeper down when we feel all alone
Remember - cats have claws too :)

Hello Diary:
Just thought that I would come and share my thoughts with you today. I have been trying to recover from a major episode
You know how bad and scared I was with all the hallucinations and hearing voices was. It has been so long ago that things got this out of hand that I felt like I was really losing my mind. I had not been able to sleep in days and my anxiety level was off the chart I did not know what to do or how to get myself calmed down. everything I tried was failing me. So I emailed my therapist and she basically said we would talk about it on our next visit. That just escalated me even more. The feelings of Abandonment began to course through my veins and it felt as if I were an erupting volcano ready to spew my wrath down on her and everyone that I felt disappointed me. What began as a little fire had magnified into a whole forest fire gone wild. I went online and downloaded several self-help apps. MyPossibleSelf, FeelMo, Sanvello, Woebot, and Thought Diary. I began to use these every day as self-help.I was in crises mode with no help yet not suicidal.

I really now understand the real journey that a Listener plays. I reached out to a Listener who just abandoned me left with no explanation and again the feelings of just being thrown away began to surface. I was hurting and I had nowhere to go.
What was supposed to be safe all of a sudden no longer felt safe. Support began to take on a whole different feeling. One that did not look good nor feel good. So now in my head, I am reliving past experiences. Letting my head feed my emotions until I no longer even recognized what had set me ablaze. I became afraid of myself. Realizing I was spiraling out of control I called my doctor and he prescribed me something for sleep and for depression and began taking them right away. Within a few days, I began to come back
So I came back on to 7cups and I realized I was judging all 7cups for the negligence of one listener., I have no other support than what I get on this site and my therapist which I emailed and tole her off for abandoning me when I really needed someone. As I took my meds my mindset began to come back to level ground and I was no longer irrational
and judgemental. I could now see my Black and White thinking, and the judgemental spirit I had reacted to. The lesson in all this that I learned was to seek help early and don't throw everybody in the pot of boiling water because of one or two irresponsible people. Here several people reached out to encourage me and validate me and it helped me to snap back.
I apologize to all that I was rude to. Steps I made, joined in chatrooms several times and a few times I was not acknowledged and yes my first thought was they don't want you here, but now it does not matter I just leave and no hard feelings. I am grateful for all those that helped make my scariest aspect of 7cups not feel like such a scary place.
Taking small steps to work through the stress of the chatroom. I am so deficient in being around all those people.
..

GETTING REAL, OR, KEEP ON LIVING THE LIE

Traveling along the recovery journey is already a road that seems so less traveled. Day after day I go through the mode of trying to be Positive, Upbeat, Mindful and try to see this bigger picture that the trees have somehow hide from view. I really do try to stay and be this person that is striving to have it together. But on the Real, the pain of realizing it is all superficial.
Only in the wee hours of the night when silence creeps in and all are asleep but me. I try to not allow the night to torment me but yet it creeps up on me like a thief in the night. This is on the Real.

I once again must wrestle the demons that taunt my soul and WHY? because you are not really being real until you can face the lies you have been keeping hidden within. Someone said you have to face your fears so I have to acknowledge the lies and expose them as the deceptions they truly are. True healing can never be complete or lasting if you can"t get Real. Truth is so often a bitter pill to swallow, but Truth can set a soul free.

Life at my house is not a home. Day in and day out two strangers that pass in the night. Isolation and seclusion are all you know Husband and wife who are so estranged. You are in your room 24/7 and me in the home all alone yet you are here. No intimacy, no hugs, no kind words, just silence day after day and year after year. Tell me what is a wife to do? I don't know what you are dealing with because you do not talk. You in your room and I in mine passing one another like two ships on the sea. 49 years I have tried to be what and who I thought you wanted me to be. Yet you remain a total stranger
whom I just don't know. We have done well to keep it covered and smile and grin and tip your hat, All while I die inside, Getting on the Real is what I say. Every day I say Why am I here? No physical, The verbal abuse has now ceased for the most part. Yet I am alone desiring to just know I matter, just to hear a kind word but all is void cause we are living the lie.
Healing can not ever take place until we are willing to face the truth in the eyes. I have walked away so many times but you come to me and reel me back in. My need to belong and the fear of all my abuse makes me feel this is the safest place. Fear has its grip around my neck and I die a little bit day by day. Whatever progress I make I feel like I keep allowing myself to get drug back. But it is not the healthiest place for my mental health. I don't know if I can totally heal in this place. Just Being Real

@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry if you didn't want replies to this - I first read it last night and you've been on my mind since. The honesty in which you wrote is beautiful - painful but beautiful
There's comfort in familiarity - comfort in what's known to us. Comfort in the confines of the very walls that can hold us back
You're such a good person - with a good heart. And you're so strong - stronger than maybe you see yourself. You've sacrificed so much yourself for someone who gives you nothing in return. I'm sorry - that sounds harsh and I don't mean it that way. You have to do what's best for you - to heal yourself inside and out. You deserve to be happy - to find healing - to live and be appreciated for who You are. The people who care will stand beside you no matter what. Do what's right to you - for you and only you ❤

I wanted to reply to you on the thread where you wrote about your therapist but I can't find it - I'm sorry. I just want to say that its great that she helped you with your breathing and getting calm - especially before you left there. That's a good thing for sure
You've been in my thoughts

@mytwistedsoul
Hi, and thanks.
Unfortunately, I am back with this Therapist again. She reached out to me and said she was sorry for it appearing that she had dismissed me. She ask me to come into her office and let us talk about it. I agreed to not leave and she is doing so much better. She is going to give me an extra hour for no charge. She said that an hour with me was not giving her the time to produce better results.

@scarletPear1945 Hey that's a pretty big deal though for her to apologize to you for how she made you feel. And that she's putting forth more effort for you to help you more. It says alot and it shows she gave some thought to what you said about feeling dismissed. I really hope that this gets you to where you deserve to be

DEAR DIARY;
It's me again, have not talked to me in a while. but I guess it is time to share a little bit with you about how I am feeling so.stirred up inside, I can't sleep and I feel like a whirlwind inside. I keep trying to change my thoughts and distract myself from the little incident the other night. Old memories surfacing trying to torment me and make me feel unsafe. I know it is my mind messing with me and yet that does not matter. This should not be still happening
yet it is. Seems like when I make a step forward and feel like I got this I take three steps back.

Self, when are you going to rise above your obstales? tell me when. I get sick of you allowing small things to get in your way and you lose your bearings then you are ready to jump ship. You can not help anyone until you first help your self. Now is that not true?
Think this through:
are you being rashional? or a, this is what you are use to doingre you catastisizing? is your thoughts Black and White? Are you Fortunetelling?
feeling guilty and running away like always. Do you know you have to face your fears in order to resolve them?
Put your self in the other persons shoes, they have there own issues to. Can't you show that you are a bigger person? I guess not, you keep going back to what feels fcomfortable and what you are use to.Come back me
Enotional roller coaster, now!
Facing myself

@NoneTheWise\

So glad to see you and thank you for the loving and caring ways you support us

@NoneTheWise\

So glad to see you and thank you for the loving and caring ways you support us

@NoneTheWise

So glad to see you and thank you for the loving and caring ways you support us

@scarletPear1945 Just wanted to say you were in someone's thoughts today :)

@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much, tears flowing down my cheeks
You don't know how special those words are to hear

@scarletPear1945 I saw a quote that I wanted to share, "You couldn't not be a whole person" , Jon Kabat-Zin.

@scarletPear1945 I'm leaving a safe gentle hug for you - it's an open invitation anytime you need one. I see how hard you're trying and how hard you're working to heal ❤

^{BRAIN CONFUSION:* May contain Triggers**}

^{Hello Diary:}

^{It's midnight, and the house is pretty quiet except for the echoing noises of the televisions. I have tried to lay down and rest but that seems futile. I went to one of the forums and there was a body scan meditation we were asked to try. I did and I even went to Goggle to listen to a few more guided meditations. I attempted to get my mind to settle down and my thoughts to slow down but as usual, the thoughts of relaxing or getting into a state of calmness causes triggers, and the feelings of must stay on guard begin to flood my thoughts. Inducing a state of vulnerability that then brings on that hypervigilant mode and the feelings of fear of being too relaxed making me an easy target, which is unacceptable.}

^{My inability to sleep has become of great concern to me. I am wondering if maybe this state I am in has anything to do with this being the month my son was killed or my adopted mother's birthday. Maybe even some backlashes from the EMDR. Images and movies racing across my eyes as if I am watching TV, but none seem to make sense.}

^{The doctor gave me new meds to try but I don't think they are working or maybe I am making myself resistant to them. My new time frame with my Therapist has increased to 2 hours now and they seem to be getting harder and more revealing. As we talk the feelings of shame and guilt flood over me and I begin to feel like the child and not the adult. Shaking and weeping like a big baby uncontrollably. I try to hold myself but it does not help. Then she gives me the tappers as she tries to bring me back to a calm state. When I leave all those emotions get stirred up and things that I did not remember begin to surface and I find myself with nowhere to unleash my brain and the anxiety that follows.}

^{Wanting and desiring to be alright I find I am not. Trying to control my thoughts to stay on a positive balance seems impossible. Two steps forward and 5 steps backward. The body keeps the score is really true, If I become too relaxed I physically feel my body react, I feel as if someone is there but they are not. It is very frightening. Yet I must wait till my next session to talk about it but by that time there is so much other ground to cover. Am I spinning my wheels and going nowhere, or will it pay off after a while? I think that maybe I am a hand full for her. She is still grasping for a diagnosis. Meanwhile, she just says that you have so much trauma and dysfunctional things from birth to now that it is a lot to treat. I think that some of this contributes to being sickly as I am and have always been.}

^{Someone said fake it till you make it!! My outlet of thoughts. Maybe should not be telling this}😞

@scarletPear1945 I know there aren't really any words of comfort that are of much help right now. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Pear. I light a candle for you and in honor of his memory. I send you strength ❤️

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

You just don't know how much you mean to me❤️

@scarletPear1945 It means alot to me that you would say that ❤

I hope that you're able to get some rest tonight. You're still in my thoughts

@scarletPear1945 You've been in my thoughts. So I hope you don't mind but I wanted to check in and see how you are. I know you've been struggling with so much lately

@mytwistedsoul

I am trying so hard to be the best self I can but my efforts seem so futile. Even ventured off into becoming a room supporter, to a project agent. Just wanting to give back some of the love and support I was given. But I suck. Stress at home is mounting and I am about to hit the 70-year-old mark. All I want is to not live the rest of my life unhappy and stressed out and broke down for the lack of support here at home and the only family I have. Yet I can't leave for reasons I won't discuss here. Attempting to make myself believe I am happy and content here, lying to myself. Realizing that I am using my husband for what I have makes me feel even more undeserving of Peace and happiness. Too old to start over. Maybe happiness was never in the plan of the Creator for me because this has been one heck of a ride from the beginning till now. How do you try to encourage others when your own is in shambles? To me that is fraud. Yet where is the integrity in telling the truth when the truth just hurts more? Tired of the same story. Yet I keep trying to be better.

@scarletPear1945 Oh Pear ❤ I don't think you suck at all. It takes alot of courage to do the things here that you're doing. I admire you for doing those things. A room supporter requires you to be on your toes in case there are problems and to become a project agent? That sounds like a pretty big deal to me. I hope maybe you can take just alittle moment to allow yourself alittle pride for doing those things - it shows how hard you're trying. It shows how hard you KEEP trying and that says so much about you

To encourage and support others when you're going through your own things says alot about your strength and it gives you better understanding into what others are going through. If doing these things bring you comfort I see no harm in it. It shows what a good heart you have. To want to give back here what you have received - just needs you to be you. The fact that you're doing your best and trying to do even better? That is inspiring to people. It shows perseverance and it does give people hope

I know these words probably don't bring you much comfort and they don't make things any better or easier for you. My words don't want to come out right. But I see the good you're doing - others do too. I am so glad I met you and had the chance to get to know you alittle - you're more special and important than you know ❤

I hope I didn't say anything to upset you - I only mean good things here for you. A glimpse of you through what I see ok?

I'm sending you a big hug and I hope that even if its just for alittle - that you'll be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - even if its just for tonight ❤

@mytwistedsoul

Like I said you are so sweet and you always have kind words to say and I am thankful to have you here as well as many others.❤️❤️

@mytwistedsoul

You have in no wise upset me with your words. I appreciate your input, I really do.

I hate that I have allowed the enemy of my past to keep bring fear into my life. I attempted to take a position as Room Supporter, which was violated by a Listener, and that triggered me and caused me to back up and ask myself, am I crazy trying to take on this role when I struggle so much with feeling safe. I do not want to put anyone in an uncomfortable place but I think people just don't think hard enough about the actions we take toward one another and it is sad. Using our authority to try and exploit one another is wrong. My case was handled but it should not have happened in the first place, and I don't like to be rude to others. I do not like conflict. We must learn that this should be a place where all people can come and not be victimized. Not everyone can handle their ish. I am not cut out to be that type of leader which probably makes me a weak person. I have a whole lot of work to do on myself to walk in those tall shoes. I am not defeated just delayed a bit.❤️

@scarletPear1945 I don't think that it makes you weak, these roles are hard! My hands were shaking and it was hard to type my first times as room supporter! I get nervous doing it. It triggers me at times too. I thought about giving up and PM'd one of the leaders who was able to help me thru it. I have seen your responses to people here and I think that they are very good and supportive.

@adventurousBranch3786

Thank you so much dear friend. I don't know why I get so panicky and nervous. Thanks for letting me know that I was not alone in this feeling. I know that I backed up as room supporter. Even though I want to be a good supporter and empathic one.

To be able to give back what you all have given me. I appreciate you all more than my words can tell you.😢

@scarletPear1945 I can't figure out what made me so nervous either. Thank you for your kind words, they are helpful to me!

@adventurousBranch3786

You are so sweet, I have watched you grow into such a beautiful flower, You are amazing my friend.👌

@scarletPear1945 It doesn't make you weak at all ❤ I'm glad it was handled and I agree - it should have never happened in the first place. This is supposed to be a place of support and encouragement. There shouldn't be anyone adding to anyone's fears. There's ways of handling things constructively with out making anyone question their trying to help out. I'm sorry that happened to you

Tbh - the chats make me nervous just as a member joining in. I don't think I'd be able to do anything like that - I think it's really awesome that you did. Maybe you aren't ready to walk in those shoes just yet but you tried them on and that to me is awesome!

I really like what you said at the end - you haven't been defeated - just a bit delayed. I can see that when the time comes and you want to try it again - you are gonna go in like a boss ❤ just like your GIF - I betcha

Hey Diary: Today Oct.6th

I am feeling really kind of pissed off. maybe for no reason, yet My emotions are there.

First of all, I am sick with the flu or Covid. not sure which as I had not been able to find anywhere close to get tested. I have been sick for several days now running a fever and chills and just can't seem to stop sneezing. I asked my husband to go to the store and get me some rock and rye for colds and yes it is alcohol. He is a minister but he refused to go. He has got this for me before after recommendations

of being good to break flu symptoms. Yes, he has every right to refuse to go but because he and my daughter go everywhere they want and come back home and compromise my health makes me extremely angry. They just don't seem to take the fact that I have a compromised immune system regardless of me reminding them. When we got Covid before my daughter brought it into us. Will they not be happy till they kill me off?

I jumped in my car and went and got the stuff myself, now he is wandering around in the kitchen checking out what I am doing and just watching me. I want to cuss him out but am reframing. Keeping my mouth shut for the safety of everyone.

What am I suppose to think or feel? It hurts to know that your family really only is important when they can use you to their benefit.

Maybe this is a product of my faulty thinking. When they are sick I take care of them because I care it is automatic. No if and or but's.

I hope you feel better soon. Try to take good care of yourself ❤

@scarletPear1945 I'm sorry to intrude again. I just wanted to say you've been in my thoughts and I hope you're feeling better

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you❤️ I did not have Covid just the flu. I am feeling a lot better but at night things get bad again. Yet not as it was last week. Overall I am ok. Taking everything I can get my hands on to get well. When I feel better I better run and get that Covid booster shot. My immune system has never been very good. I think I got my wake-up call during this sickness that maybe I am ready to let go of my nonexistent marriage.

Getting to old to keep the madness going. Yet I know that is not possible right now

@scarletPear1945 You're welcome ❤ I'm glad you're feeling better. Night time is hard in alot of ways for alot of things - pain - thoughts - memories and sickness. Maybe when you're feeling bad at night you could curl up with a cup of hot tea and a soft blanket? Maybe watch a movie or read? Try to do little things that bring you comfort

Take good care of yourself - be gentle -with yourself and your thoughts

Sending you good vibes :)

@scarletPear1945 Hey :) You popped into my thoughts this evening - I hope you're still feeling better and you're doing ok ❤

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you for thinking about me. That means so much when I have had no one. My sister from birth and her daughter and son spent a few days with me and my daughter. It was special because we had not seen one another in like 25 years and that was only because I found them and my birth mom and connected to them, or tried to but I was rejected. This was the first time in my life that a sister came to visit me. I treated them like royalty and pampered them in a way they will never forget. Now after being here they expressed the peace and serenity they experienced here and we are planning they come back for ThanksGiving

She informed me of all the abuse she had gone through with my birth mom, and she has never had help with it and she cried and my heart went out to her. She remembers me trying to get my mother to let me keep her but my mom said no. Between the two of us, we have torn down a generational curse of incest, illiteracy, and alcoholism.

For that, I give God much Glory and Praise.

@scarletPear1945 You're welcome ❤️ I guess I just know what it's like to have noone too - so it's nice to hear when we've been in someone's thoughts

Wow - I mean just wow :) I can imagine the joy you must have felt and hopefully still feel. To be reunited with her after so much time and being rejected at first. I am so happy for you to have this - especially now when it felt like you had noone. To be given this opportunity is truly glorious and I can absolutely believe you were a wonderful host to her and her daughter. It is wonderful that you're planning on spending Thanksgiving together! Something to be truly grateful for!

I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that you've both found each other again - that in doing so you've broken the curse. That you were both able to validate one another and the suffering you both went through - to give voice to the pain and suffering - to find your voices and break the silence. I hope this leads you both to much more time spent together - getting to know one another better - to a brighter future - and towards healing. You both deserve it ❤️